locolynn said:
Hi Dair,
I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. I think you already know that none of us can tell you anything more than you already know. No one here can say if your husband is an honest man, a complete scammer or one of the other million shades of gray in between.
I do know this. Marriages between Moroccan men and Canadian women are primed for failure. Putting MOC's aside completely, there are so so so many cultural differences that you haven't even thought of. Or worse, you HAVE thought of them, talked about them and THINK you have come to an understanding...but guess what? - you haven't.
Brushing everyone with a broad stroke - Canadians and Moroccans alike - how Moroccans and Canadians view the world is FUNDAMENTALLY different. Yes you both may value family. But what that means to you and what that means to him are likely two REALLY different things. And how that plays out in your marriage is anyone's guess. That goes FOR EVERYTHING - from division of labour, to how you spend your money, to who makes decisions and why decisions are made, EVERY little thing under the sun will need to be renegotiated.
For all of you waiting - if you think this is hard now....wait until he gets here. Honestly. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years now. And I tell you it does not get much easier.
I know there are some success stories out there - but I promise you they had to work harder than anyone can imagine, and for many of us - it's still anyone's guess. I don't really believe in happily ever after...maybe that makes me bitter. Ok I know it does.
Sorry - I know that got a little off topic - back to that:
Dair - you need to be straight with your husband. Cut the romance, cut the lovey dovey. Give it to him straight. Explain that you are in it this far because you love him and think you two might really have a future together. Let him know that if things don't work out for the two of you, that yeah it will suck and you'll be crushed, but you can accept it.
What you won't be able to accept is if he turns around and eff's things up for you and your daughter by going on welfare. Explain very clearly, that if he abuses your sponsorship he'll be DESTROYING not only you, but your beatiful child. If he takes the conversation well, it maybe a good time to half jokingly remind him that you know where his family lives and would have no problem going there and making sure all his family and neighbour new what a snake and a loser he was for ruining yours and your daughters life. JK (kind of) LOL.
Locolynn
Sometimes I think Lynn and I share a brain. I agree 100% with everything she said.
I KNOW how tough it is, even when there is lots of love. I know for a fact that it's not enough. After almost 2 years of living together in Canada my husband and I separated. He loves me, he was NEVER mean to me, it was definitely a "genuine" marriage, but try as we might, we could not find that common ground to make our marriage work. Or at least, I had no more energy left to put in. Lynn is right, there are SO many fundamental differences that we were not able to overcome. I can't even begin to describe all of them but they touched on almost every aspect of our daily lives. I don't want to get into details of what he did wrong or I did wrong because there wasn't a "thing". It was more like "everything" that took so much work of negotiation, renegotiation, testing limits, fighting, crying, etc. Honestly, it was just too much work with not enough reward. So love was never our problem. We were both faithful to each other and separating was hard. But being together was harder. I chose peace over love. And I haven't regretted it, not for one minute.
Would I say that our cultural differences played a big role in our separation? Yep. Absolutely. We drove each other nuts with the way we did things, me being so Canadian and him being so Moroccan. Do I regret marrying him and sponsoring him? That's harder because putting so much time, effort and even money into something and then watching it fail is not easy. BUT I will say that he has not and will not take advantage of the sponsorship agreement. Even though we are not together anymore he does care about me and would never do anything to jeopardize mine or my son's future. He would sleep on the street before he would do something like that. He is a good man in many ways. But we are not right for each other.
And I guess I would have to say that NO, I don't regret it because when I think about all the new experiences and richness that my meeting him brought to my life, I wouldn't trade that for the world. Even my career changed and I'm passionate about the work I do. I love my clients and I work day and night for them. I can't remember the last time I took a whole day off from my work. And I'm happy to say that it's all paid off with an extraordinary success rate. My immigration experience with my husband gave me a depth of understanding in my work that I would never have had otherwise. So no regrets. Actually, I am so very grateful for the experience.
Lynn is right. All of the things you've "discussed" mean nothing when you start living together. Some of the concepts of just living are SO very different between Canada and Morocco. Credit cards and mortgages are new things in Morocco. When you say you "own" your home to a Moroccan they think you own it free and clear. Yet in Canada, your name might be on the deed but the bank probably owns most of it. Financial planning is not a strong suit of most Moroccans that I've known, but not all. I know some exceptions to this, people who just "got it" and adapted very quickly. But this is not the norm. I've brought several foreign workers from Morocco to Canada over the years and it's been interesting to watch how, when and if they adapt. With only a couple of exceptions, the women do MUCH better than the men. They adjust more quickly because honestly, they try harder. Overall, I'm happy with how the majority of both the men and women have done but there have been a few that just couldn't make it and had to go back. I joke with the others about some of the difficulties they had in their first year as they find it funny now. It didn't matter that I told them about many things before they arrived, they just couldn't "understand" it until they were actually "living" it. But you know the advantage they had over a spouse? As workers they were on their own. They HAD to figure it out. There was no crutch to ease them into it. It forced them to grow up FAST and become self-reliant. Remember all the things you had to learn when you first moved out from your parents? How to budget, pay bills, be responsible or face the consequences? All of those hard lessons we face when we venture out on our own. I will almost GUARANTEE you that unless your Moroccan spouse already lives away from his/her family, they will have NO IDEA how to do this when they arrive in Canada, just like we didn't when we lived with our parents.
EVERYTHING works differently here. So unless you've got a really smart spouse who is downright EAGER to adapt and learn how to be responsible, prepare yourself for some hard times. They have to learn, make mistakes, fall on their face, pick themselves up and do it all over again. Those that do "get it" quickly are a blessing. Even if it doesn't work out with them, at least you won't be faced with financial ruin. In that respect, I'm somewhat lucky although I have had to "help" my husband out a few times since he left. Part of me is annoyed about that but I know he's trying and getting better at being self-sufficient so I can live with it. The other part of me feels sorry for him because he wants to go home. If we aren't together he doesn't see what is so great about Canada anymore. BUT he would be vilified by his family and friends as well as the whole fricken' neighbourhood if he moved back. Because no matter how many times he tells them how difficult it is here, they don't get it. Sound familiar?
That's just my story and experience. I hope for happier results for all of you in your marriages. I did get my happy ending in many ways. It's just not what I had imagined it would be. But maybe it's better. I know I'm peaceful and content in my life, my experience makes me better at my work, and I teach Family Class to others in my profession because of my passion for it, my expertise and my track record. The only thing that would make me even happier would be that my husband would find his own peace and contentment as well. So even when a marriage ends, it's not always a horror story. Just remember to let go of the fairy tale. Happily-ever-after does NOT exist. Marriage is work. Marriage to a Morrocan will likely be triple the work. That doesn't mean it's bad, just way outside of your norm. Prepare yourself for that as best you can. Make a wish, say a prayer but ALWAYS deal with reality. There is no shame in trying just like there is no shame in ending something that does not work.
