Love or Opportunity? Coffee Social

[amikety]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

Wow and thank you so much - quite a response

I never thought about it from my husband's point of view - thanks for that reminder

You know, being insecure never even crossed my mind - same for my husband, but the distance can do the trick - we'll stay focused )

And I yes - I'll finally get to work on those last 5 lb's - that's a heart-warming thought


You know, I was thinking about it, I guess I am also worried that I will have hard time adjusting once I am back in canada. It is one thing that my husband'll be back home but another that I'll just be handling everything by myself. I ain't a whiney little kid, but... but I don't know - seems different this time around.


Well, enough for the sentiments - thanks once again. It'll all be ok))

The good news is, if you can survive this, you can survive just about anything

 

[spaceraceone]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

The good news is, if you can survive this, you can survive just about anything

if? when!!! )))

 

[Halfmoon]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

if? when!!! )))

Couldn't help it:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=i%27m+a+survivor&oq=i%27m+a+sur&gs_l=youtube.1.0.0l10.3401.4686.0.9187.9.8.0.1.1.0.148.801.3j5.8.0...0.0...1ac.1.9BAJRoJYOYA

Good morning ladies!!

Waves at amikety!!

 

[NicAnn]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

Love this thread, and love the "What to do while waiting" advice. Thank you Halfmoon. My DH and I do alot of the things you list, mostly because my DH is such a great guy. He's the Canadian, I'm the Yankee (sort of), and he's always reminding me of how wonderful Canadians are...and to be honest, I have found Canadians to be super wonderful folks.

He texts and/or calls everyday and we always tell each other everything, often talking about what we are having for dinner, and how work went, etc. He would also sometimes give me an "assignment" ... and because he's got a wonderful Canadian sense of humour, before I visited Canada the first time, he had me watch "Canadian Bacon" warning me that it IS a comedy so they do make many exaggerations, and it's all tongue in cheek, but it did help me as a funny introduction. I love that movie...and also the movie about the Arrow with Dan Aykroyd.

We've also traveled together with other family members included in our trips. I love his family, sometimes even more than him!

 

[amikety]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

We've also traveled together with other family members included in our trips. I love his family, sometimes even more than him!

Isn't that the truth!

Hi Halfmoon

 

[Halfmoon]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

Love this thread, and love the "What to do while waiting" advice. Thank you Halfmoon. My DH and I do alot of the things you list, mostly because my DH is such a great guy. He's the Canadian, I'm the Yankee (sort of), and he's always reminding me of how wonderful Canadians are...and to be honest, I have found Canadians to be super wonderful folks.

He texts and/or calls everyday and we always tell each other everything, often talking about what we are having for dinner, and how work went, etc. He would also sometimes give me an "assignment" ... and because he's got a wonderful Canadian sense of humour, before I visited Canada the first time, he had me watch "Canadian Bacon" warning me that it IS a comedy so they do make many exaggerations, and it's all tongue in cheek, but it did help me as a funny introduction. I love that movie...and also the movie about the Arrow with Dan Aykroyd.

We've also traveled together with other family members included in our trips. I love his family, sometimes even more than him!

Welcome to the Love Boat (in your case) NicAnn and thanks for your feedback. Not the typical immigration forum thread but just a good place to give your two cents on just that.....Love or Opportunity.

Yes Canadians are usually the happiest crowd of people in any place in the world. We never mean any harm. You did well!!! Love the "assignment" part. If I tried that with my hubby...in classic JA fashion he'd say " yes baby, mi soon come" translated can be 5 mins to 5 years. LOLOLOLOL!!

 

[Ms Malawi]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

I love this forum. Thank you Half moon! And thank you to everyone for sharing!

I have been in a situation where my previous spouse was after me to sponsor him, but as a young and naive girl I was blind. I never went through with the paperwork, however I did marry him. (I am very grateful as I have learned he is the definition of man out for opportunity). I said never again.. and as luck would have it I met and married a guy from Malawi. Not in the "plans" but happened.

As mentioned it is that question of love or money/opportunity. In time does the question ever leave or can it remain in the back of your mind? I love my husband and I know he loves me. But through past experiences i am a little apphrensive and just wish it was easy to get over! However I love his family and have learned that I would not be an accepted member of the family if it wasn't for his love.

 

[amikety]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

I love this forum. Thank you Half moon! And thank you to everyone for sharing!

I have been in a situation where my previous spouse was after me to sponsor him, but as a young and naive girl I was blind. I never went through with the paperwork, however I did marry him. (I am very grateful as I have learned he is the definition of man out for opportunity). I said never again.. and as luck would have it I met and married a guy from Malawi. Not in the "plans" but happened.

As mentioned it is that question of love or money/opportunity. In time does the question ever leave or can it remain in the back of your mind? I love my husband and I know he loves me. But through past experiences i am a little apphrensive and just wish it was easy to get over! However I love his family and have learned that I would not be an accepted member of the family if it wasn't for his love.

It's my opinion if we listened to the little warning bells in the back of our heads, we'd all be a lot happier.

That being said, if your distrust is based on a previous relationship, you may want to talk it over with a qualified counselor. It may be growing pains, it go away, or it might stay around and nag at you forever. If you can't get over it - get help. Don't let it interfere with your current relationship

 

[Ms Malawi]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

It's my opinion if we listened to the little warning bells in the back of our heads, we'd all be a lot happier.

That being said, if your distrust is based on a previous relationship, you may want to talk it over with a qualified counselor. It may be growing pains, it go away, or it might stay around and nag at you forever. If you can't get over it - get help. Don't let it interfere with your current relationship

Thanks, that is definitely something I am working on and my partner is a great support for that. Being honest has been good and its increased open communication and I have found it explains some of my questions or distrusting attitudes when word just can't.

Trying to listen to the warning bells are not always easy, but a great lesson!!

 

[Halfmoon]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

I love this forum. Thank you Half moon! And thank you to everyone for sharing!

I have been in a situation where my previous spouse was after me to sponsor him, but as a young and naive girl I was blind. I never went through with the paperwork, however I did marry him. (I am very grateful as I have learned he is the definition of man out for opportunity). I said never again.. and as luck would have it I met and married a guy from Malawi. Not in the "plans" but happened.

As mentioned it is that question of love or money/opportunity. In time does the question ever leave or can it remain in the back of your mind? I love my husband and I know he loves me. But through past experiences i am a little apphrensive and just wish it was easy to get over! However I love his family and have learned that I would not be an accepted member of the family if it wasn't for his love.

Well congratulations Ms Malawi for getting away from that horrible man. Thank you for complimenting the thread. Posts from various forum members is what makes this thread valuable for some. It appears that there is always someone here to respond to questions which I am really loving.

Don't be hard on yourself, none of us are perfect and we all make faulty decisions, it's what you gain out of it for your future or for the benefit of helping someone else that is a "gain". It's hard to let go of past hurts especially when someone has taken advantage of your kindness and we tend to put our shields up and make the next person climb unnecessarily harder which could be a bit unfair. I say, don't forget but do forgive not just the person who's done harm to you but also yourself. I tend to be harder on myself when I make mistakes but as someone asked me one day " Do you believe you deserve happiness ?" I replied " Why of course, doesn't everyone deserve happiness ?"

My friend went on to say " If you believe you deserve happiness, then why are you keeping yourself from it and living in the past and staying in a situation that is everything but happy?" That was the turning point for me. There comes a point where we have to let go, and let GOD and move on. Who we are today is a result of the choices we make. The past is gone.. what matters is where we stand today and the steps towards where we are headed.

On that note, when you were with your ex aka the opportunist, what were some of the things he did that you would share with someone going through a similar situation? Of course, you don't have to answer just if you'd like to share.

 

[Halfmoon]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

It's my opinion if we listened to the little warning bells in the back of our heads, we'd all be a lot happier.

True Words.

 

[Ms Malawi]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

Thank you Half Moon

On that note, when you were with your ex aka the opportunist, what were some of the things he did that you would share with someone going through a similar situation? Of course, you don't have to answer just if you'd like to share.

I have no problem sharing what I went through, especially if it saves someone else from the pain and uncertainty I went through.

My ex was all about getting married and shoving immigration papers under my nose every chance he got. I was not into the whole "my sisters will lie and say this or that happened" or "I love you and just want to marry you". He was living in Canada and told me he "cancelled" his PR interview so I could sponsor him. He was not honest about anything, as I later learned.

After we were together and married, he never had a straight story. He had an explanation for every woman in his life, even the ones I never asked about or knew about. He would make me pay for everything, use my money to buy his "nephew" presents or complain that we never went out. He would "go visit" friends only to go hook up with another woman, ask for money for "his mom's meds" only to use the money for who knows what, he would tell me I wasn't good enough for anyone but him, or that he had the world to offer me. He would make me feel very insecure and belittle me every chance he got. When I would start to question him or his stories he would let me talk to his mom or family who would reassure me that we were a perfect couple that they were so happy to have me as a member of the family. He was very secretive and was very set that my family, whom we lived with, did not know the details of our life. There were little things he would do like when we were out with female friends he would flirt and be all over them in front of me, he would accuse me everything from cheating to lying to hiding money from him and he just became creepy.

After I decided I was done and wanted to move on ( had not sponsored him) I found out he had a child with another woman and was "dating" at least 6 other women at the same time.

As most of the advice I have gotten says trust your gut and believe in yourself. There are manipulative people out there, but at the same time there are amazing people out there and someone will love you for you, never to doubt who you are.

 

[amikety]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

Your ex and my ex were cut from the same cloth. Only difference is we were both Americans, so no sponsorship push. And no kids that I know of.

I feel the situation made me a lot wiser, but also a lot less trusting and more cautious. Maybe even a little paranoid. But wiser and that's a good thing.

I'm glad you got away from him. It's time to find happiness

On a paranoid side note, I have thought of the idea of a pre-nup regarding sponsorship. Basically having the pre-nup state if your spouse leaves you before the three years is up, they would have to repay you (for repaying the goverment) for any social assistance they collect. And all fees you paid on his behalf, plane tickets, medical exams you paid for, etc. If you were supporting him, he could also owe you backrent. Don't know if it would work, but it could at least scare off the scumbags? I'm also in favor of not mentioning the two year conditional PR... just not mentioning it. Ignorance can be your friend at times

 

[Ms Malawi]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

I agree it definitely makes a person smarter. I think it has made me really appreciate my husband now. I know he is different than my ex was, but having someone who is willing to work through my past with me does make things a little easier in trusting again! And happiness is worth it!

I like the idea of the sponsorship pre-nup contract kinda thing. I think if its completely genuine then there should be question about signing it, because when you got married it was with forever in mind!

Thanks for sharing that some of us go through the same things, and that we are live and learn and move to better things.

 

[Halfmoon]

Re: Love or Opportunity?

Thank you Half Moon

I have no problem sharing what I went through, especially if it saves someone else from the pain and uncertainty I went through.

My ex was all about getting married and shoving immigration papers under my nose every chance he got. I was not into the whole "my sisters will lie and say this or that happened" or "I love you and just want to marry you". He was living in Canada and told me he "cancelled" his PR interview so I could sponsor him. He was not honest about anything, as I later learned.

After we were together and married, he never had a straight story. He had an explanation for every woman in his life, even the ones I never asked about or knew about. He would make me pay for everything, use my money to buy his "nephew" presents or complain that we never went out. He would "go visit" friends only to go hook up with another woman, ask for money for "his mom's meds" only to use the money for who knows what, he would tell me I wasn't good enough for anyone but him, or that he had the world to offer me. He would make me feel very insecure and belittle me every chance he got. When I would start to question him or his stories he would let me talk to his mom or family who would reassure me that we were a perfect couple that they were so happy to have me as a member of the family. He was very secretive and was very set that my family, whom we lived with, did not know the details of our life. There were little things he would do like when we were out with female friends he would flirt and be all over them in front of me, he would accuse me everything from cheating to lying to hiding money from him and he just became creepy.

After I decided I was done and wanted to move on ( had not sponsored him) I found out he had a child with another woman and was "dating" at least 6 other women at the same time.

As most of the advice I have gotten says trust your gut and believe in yourself. There are manipulative people out there, but at the same time there are amazing people out there and someone will love you for you, never to doubt who you are.

Thanks for sharing Ms Malawi - He tried to use and abuse you in every sense of the word. Karma will give him a hard dose what he's sown but the good news out of this is that you were strong and courageous enough to back out and save yourself from even more pain and hurt; emotionally and financially. I applaud you.

You have to give yourself a big pat on the back because not everyone would be able to back out especially since you went through with the marriage. Outside of him trying to use you as a passageway to permanently stay in Canada, this I'm sure has made you become more aware and a stronger person today.

Did he get sent back to his home country?