IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[H0peAndFa1th]

Thank You so much for previous essay correction of Facebook page. I would appreciate if you can evaluate this writing task 1 and 2 as I have improved my mistakes and tried to write better.

Task #2

Some people think that when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative
and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to
work in a team and follow instructions.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although it is sometimes thought that organizations ought to employ skilled workers who can work
independently, other people believe that ability to work within a team should be considered at the time of hiring process. In my opinion, deciding whether to hire an independent employee or an effective team person should completely depend on the size of the company.

poor paraphrasing - avoid giving opinion in introduction in Discussion essay, make a different para or give it in conclusion

On the one hand, persons who work individually often have a better growth in the organization,
according to some. This is due to the fact that people can easily understand their responsibility because they do not have to depend on other team members to finish their tasks. Therefore, individual workers' results are always skillful and as a result, they usually are promoted to a higher position. To illustrate, a recent report from the Toronto University described that 93 percent of independent employees are being offered a management position in the New York, since they were able to deliver the productive end result for their company.

nice but said nothing about hiring, read the question again, your para become irrelevant.
to avoid this you must have said something about hiring in last sentence, conclude your para in regard to hiring process.

On the other hand, it is often thought that the team member provides efficient and qualitative results.
This is because each project is divided in the small proportions, so every member can completely focus on the particular task. Accordingly, it is often believed that a team always manage to complete all the tasks accurately and quickly as they have enough hands to support. That is why, some people believe that employers should recruit the person, who can easily manage with other team members.

nice 100% relevant, concluded well by using "that is why"

Finally, in my view, the choice of the employee should totally depend on the size of the organization and its project. While small companies usually have tiny projects, which do not require team efforts, large infrastructure possesses huge tasks, which individual players can not finish on the time even they are innovative. Companies, therefore, should employ people based on company's requirements.

1) wrong use of "finally"
2) idea is good, but badly written

In conclusion, despite people having different views regarding the selection of an employee, I believe it would be better to select the worker based on the company's size and requirement.

Badly written conclusion, see blue lines, its all repeat, learn the difference between, repeating and paraphrasing.
your conclusion must include conclusion of para 1, para 2 and your own view ( you can skip it)
but trick is to say same thing with different words.

Task #1

You have just spent a week with a friend on holiday. When you got home, you realised you had left
your wallet there.
. thank your friend for the holiday.
. explain that you left your wallet in their house.
. give them instructions of how to send it back to you.

Dear Alay,
Thank you for joining me on the holiday, which we just spent last week. I really enjoyed those precious days. I am writing this letter to inform you that I have forgot my wallet in the bedroom of your house.

Let me explain in more detail. When I reached my home and checked my wallet for the key, I realize that my wallet was left on the cupboard of your house. This is because I was in the hurry at the time of the leaving since my flight was about to depart 2 hour earlier. Fortunately, I had back-up key so I was able to enter in my house, but I will require my wallet as many important documents are there in it. So you can find that on the top right corner of the cupboard, where I used to place all the my stuff.

I would like you to send my wallet to me so I can have necessary documents that need to be with me while I drive. My address is ‘123 Major Drive, Toronto’ and please courier it with an express delivery method. I will e-transfer all the charge that requires you to pay.

Thank you so much for your time and support.
Your sincerely,
Pritesh[/QUOTE]

your letter is not smooth, its bit abrupt. try to make a better story with nice explanation, and there's irrelevant information there too.

 

[Gagan4790]

It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, technological innovations are being discovered and developed thus, neglection and abandonment of customary civilization arises. I completely agree that we cannot possess both technology and culture together.

Throughout the years, mankind has always been doing research and invention to contribute to the progress of science. In other words, they focus more on the importance of manufacturing new devices thus, gradually omitting traditional practices. Modernization has already been the center of attention and preservation of culture has been slowly relinquished. For instance, children would prefer to play more with their electronic devices such as phones, tablets, and computers rather than playing outside with their neighbors or friends with customary games. Another example is, students, at the present time, would like to use computers to do their homework rather than going to the library and read books. Therefore, people have already developed an attachment to technology and innovation.

Moreover, new advancements have already contributed to make mankind's life easier and more comfortable. With this, a lot of people have already forgotten traditional culture and have moved on to the new era. To put it simply, technology and tradition can never go together, if people choose technology, then, tradition will be eradicated and forgotten, and if people choose tradition then, new technology will definitely not exist. For instance, the use of modern equipments and building materials for building an elegant house is already popular these days, as opposed to the use of old stones and wood in constructing homes. Needless to say, these innovations are stronger and can provide a stronger foundation to prevent any kind of natural calamities or other problems that can cause destruction of houses. If people will stick to the notion of using stones and rocks for the sake of cultural beliefs, then they will neglect forming new ideas as to improving people's homes.

To conclude, I strongly believe that traditional culture will be lost if technology advances and the idea of having the two together is clearly impossible due to certain circumstances that both have different ways of contributing to people's lives.

I hv corrected n posted ur essay on my page ielts support for all..
https://m.facebook.com/IELTS-Support-For-All-181704142453200/?ref=bookmarks

 

[Gagan4790]

Thank You so much for previous essay correction of Facebook page. I would appreciate if you can evaluate this writing task 1 and 2 as I have improved my mistakes and tried to write better.

Task #2

Some people think that when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative
and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to
work in a team and follow instructions.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although it is sometimes thought that organizations ought to employ skilled workers who can work
independently, other people believe that ability to work within a team should be considered at the time of hiring process. In my opinion, deciding whether to hire an independent employee or an effective team person should completely depend on the size of the company.

On the one hand, persons who work individually often have a better growth in the organization,
according to some. This is due to the fact that people can easily understand their responsibility because they do not have to depend on other team members to finish their tasks. Therefore, individual workers' results are always skillful and as a result, they usually are promoted to a higher position. To illustrate, a recent report from the Toronto University described that 93 percent of independent employees are being offered a management position in the New York, since they were able to deliver the productive end result for their company.

On the other hand, it is often thought that the team member provides efficient and qualitative results.
This is because each project is divided in the small proportions, so every member can completely focus on the particular task. Accordingly, it is often believed that a team always manage to complete all the tasks accurately and quickly as they have enough hands to support. That is why, some people believe that employers should recruit the person, who can easily manage with other team members.

Finally, in my view, the choice of the employee should totally depend on the size of the organization and its project. While small companies usually have tiny projects, which do not require team efforts, large infrastructure possesses huge tasks, which individual players can not finish on the time even they are innovative. Companies, therefore, should employ people based on company's requirements.

In conclusion, despite people having different views regarding the selection of employee, I believe it would be better to select the worker based on the company's size and requirement.


Task #1

You have just spent a week with a friend on holiday. When you got home, you realised you had left
your wallet there.
. thank your friend for the holiday.
. explain that you left your wallet in their house.
. give them instructions of how to send it back to you.

Dear Alay,
Thank you for joining me on the holiday, which we just spent last week. I really enjoyed those precious days. I am writing this letter to inform you that I have forgot my wallet in the bedroom of your house.

Let me explain in more detail. When I reached my home and checked my wallet for the key, I realize that my wallet was left on the cupboard of your house. This is because I was in the hurry at the time of the leaving since my flight was about to depart 2 hour earlier. Fortunately, I had back-up key so I was able to enter in my house, but I will require my wallet as many important documents are there in it. So you can find that on the top right corner of the cupboard, where I used to place all the my stuff.

I would like you to send my wallet to me so I can have necessary documents that need to be with me while I drive. My address is ‘123 Major Drive, Toronto’ and please courier it with an express delivery method. I will e-transfer all the charge that requires you to pay.

Thank you so much for your time and support.
Your sincerely,
Pritesh

Yes will do. Also i recommend u to join d watsapp group link that i hv shared on my facebook page since i check this forum less often

 

[xhae101191]

I hv corrected n posted ur essay on my page ielts support for all..
https://m.facebook.com/IELTS-Support-For-All-181704142453200/?ref=bookmarks

can you give me a band score for each criteria please.

 

[priteshgondalia]

Yes will do. Also i recommend u to join d watsapp group link that i hv shared on my facebook page since i check this forum less often

Sure I will do.

Thank you so much for your help and support regarding IELTS. You are doing great work.

 

[Eimaankhwaja_15]

Hi Everyone! I have attempted IELTS three times. Third time i was successful i scored listening 8, reading and speaking 7.5 and 7 in writing i am sharing few helpful tips that helped me scoring the above mentioned score. Also there are readymade templates for ielts writing essays. Subscribe to the channel for more videos. hope it will help a little instructions in urdu/hindi and english

Thankyou

 

[xhae101191]

Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Although it is mostly believed that men and women have different skills and limitations in any aspect, in my view, there should be equality in the workplace and jobs should not discriminate based on gender.

First of all, the job market should accept both males and females based on their qualifications. This is because companies demand the finest working individuals who can contribute significantly to the industry with their skills set and knowledge. In other words, either men or women, if they have attained certain pre-requisites of the job and achieved certifications, they should be hired instantly. For example, in the field of politics, it is commonly perceived that men are more qualified for leadership positions, however, nowadays, most countries around the world such as Sweden and Poland, have excellent female leaders who are able to handle and manage their respective nations effectively in a different way compared to men leaders.

Second of all, selecting either male or female for certain jobs could hinder the growth of a country. This is due to the fact that regardless of the sex, every citizen has something to contribute to their economy's development. For instance, professions such as nursing and education, it is commonly regarded that females are more suitable for these jobs, however, it is undeniable that men can also do the job because they also possess unique qualities that can make them function their duties efficiently. Hence, both genders can perform their responsibilities and help with the progress of the healthcare and education sector in a country.

In conclusion, despite the differences in strengths and weaknesses men and women possess, all kinds of professions should always take into consideration the qualifications of a person regardless of their gender.


How about this?

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Although it is mostly believed that men and women have different skills and limitations in any aspect, in my view, there should be equality in the workplace and jobs should not discriminate based on gender.

believe it or not, its badly written introduction. no matter what is below, won't give you 7 in any case.

read sample introductions, gooogle it.

First of all, the job market should accept both males and females based on their qualifications. This is because companies demand the finest working individuals who can contribute significantly to the industry with their skills set and knowledge. In other words, either men or women, if they have attained certain pre-requisites of the job and achieved certifications, they should be hired instantly. For example, in the field of politics, it is commonly perceived that men are more qualified for leadership positions, however, nowadays, most countries around the world such as Sweden and Poland, have excellent female leaders who are able to handle and manage their respective nations effectively in a different way compared to men leaders.

first 3 sentences are fine, love them actually.
but
4th sentence is messed, very badly.
give example
then draw a conclusion from it.
it is not clear what do want to prove in this para,
you switched from companies/qualifications to politics ?? seeing this ??

rewrite
First of all, the job market should accept both males and females based on their qualifications. This is because companies demand the finest working individuals who can contribute significantly to the industry with their skills set and knowledge. In other words, either men or women, if they have attained certain pre-requisites of the job and achieved certifications, they should be hired instantly. For example, Pepsi's CEO Indra Nooyi is prominent woman to represent that women today can handle multi-billion dollar business efficiently. Moreover, number female CEO's in fortune 500 companies is growing day-by-day, which depicts that with right qualification and experience both gender could handle contemporary professional roles.

its not perfect, but see the logic.

Second of all, selecting either male or female for certain jobs could hinder the growth of a country. This is due to the fact that regardless of the sex, every citizen has something to contribute to their economy's development. For instance, professions such as nursing and education, it is commonly regarded that females are more suitable for these jobs, however, it is undeniable that men can also do the job because they also possess unique qualities that can make them function their duties efficiently. Hence, both genders can perform their responsibilities and help with the progress of the healthcare and education sector in a country.

well written

In conclusion, despite the differences in strengths and weaknesses men and women possess, all kinds of professions should always take into consideration the qualifications of a person regardless of their gender.

crisp - clear - precise

keep writing like this one

How about this?

this one 6.5
but you can write 7 band essay.
what's missing,
Could, would,, lacking in grammatical range.
include past and future tense sentences.


read sample 9 band essays and dissect them.

 

[priteshgondalia]

Public library will soon no longer be housed in a building as all facilities and books will be available
online for all access. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of public library only existing online.

It is usually considered that huge infrastructure of library will be converted into the online data server as
most facilities and books will be accessed through online software. Community can have efficient access
to all books and those buildings can be utilized for other public services, however, there are also
drawbacks to be taken into account.

On the one hand, there are a number of important advantages that online library possesses. Firstly, all
facilities and electronic books will be easily accessible at any places and any time. To illustrate, due to
the revolution of the internet, almost all people have affordable internet connectivity in their devices, so
individuals can easily read a book from their mobiles while they are travelling or sleeping. Secondly,
library spaces ca be used to build high-rises apartments because major metropolitan areas have housing
shortage issue. Therefore, by erecting apartments, government can accommodate numerous families in
a library space. Overall, the idea of online library is efficient and helpful for the society.

On the other hand, despite the benefits, there are some detrimental impacts available for the virtual
library. One problem is that the security concern. This is because that all data of each library is stored in
the online storage space, and simultaneously the number of hackers are trying hard to develop hacking
software which could destroy every file of particular library within a second. Another possible issue is
that students, who use library for peaceful reading, will lose these places for their educational activities.
As a result, this will have an immense effect on their studies and grade. For example, in 2017, a survey
from Ghana described that 23 percent of pupils had dropped their scores due to the close of library
buildings.

In conclusion, while society can benefit from online access of library facilities and books, it can also lead
to data insecurity as well as lower grades of any student.



Please and Thank You.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Public library will soon no longer be housed in a building as all facilities and books will be available
online for all access. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of public library only existing online.

It is usually considered that huge infrastructure of library will be converted into the online data server as
most facilities and books will be accessed through online software. Community can have efficient access
to all books and those buildings can be utilized for other public services, however, there are also
drawbacks to be taken into account.

improve your introductions, its the not the right way to introduce a topic.

On the one hand, there are a number of important advantages that online library possesses. Firstly, all
facilities and electronic books will be easily accessible at any places and any time. To illustrate, due to
the revolution of the internet, almost all people have affordable internet connectivity in their devices, so
individuals can easily read a book from their mobiles while they are travelling or sleeping. Secondly,
library spaces ca be used to build high-rises apartments because major metropolitan areas have housing
shortage issue. Therefore, by erecting apartments, government can accommodate numerous families in
a library space. Overall, the idea of online library is efficient and helpful for the society.

hmm nice points, well organized

On the other hand, despite the benefits, there are some detrimental impacts available for the virtual
library. One problem is that the security concern. This is because that all data of each library is stored in
the online storage space, and simultaneously the number of hackers are trying hard to develop hacking
software which could destroy every file of particular library within a second. Another possible issue is
that students, who use library for peaceful reading, will lose these places for their educational activities.
As a result, this will have an immense effect on their studies and grade. For example, in 2017, a survey
from Ghana described that 23 percent of pupils had dropped their scores due to the close of library
buildings.

this is ambiguous --> hackers are trying hard to develop hacking software
is it "hackers are trying hard"
is it "hard to develop hacking software"
better to make it one word with "trying-hard"

again
will lose these places for their educational activities
lose for ? does not make sense
better: will not have a place for their educational activities.
again
close of library buildings.
better: due to closed library buildings

In conclusion, while society can benefit from online access of library facilities and books, it can also lead
to data insecurity as well as lower grades of any student.

here you tried to do make an effort, but missed.
any student ? Really ? how ?

never ever left the reader wondering in your conclusion. it must be solid, must closed the essay fully, reader should not be thinking else or wondering about anything.

better : ...data insecurity as well as overall reduced educational activities.

now see this in a way, that if someone who has never got 7 band in writing can point out these mistakes, imagine an ielts examiner, he/she will rip your essay apart.

may be that's the reason why we are not getting band 7 (beside conspiracy)

 

[priteshgondalia]

Thank you for review.
What about this one.


Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?


Although providing knowledge of a foreign language at a primary school is thought by some to be an effective experiment for children, other people think that it can be detrimental. In my opinion, I believe that learning a global language at early age can bring about more positive outcomes for children compared to any problems it might bring.

Despite the drawbacks below, I consider that benefits gain by children learning an international language are extremely useful for their future. Firstly, it will be easier for children to learn any language at an early age because numerous scientists have discouraged that young children have ability to grab the information faster than adults. As a result, they will not face any difficulty to learn several aspects of that language. Secondly, children will occupy the information about several culture, including its morals, festivals, issues, cloths, and living styles. This will eventually aid them to understand various social problems, such as gender inequality and racism. In short, children from primary schools will be able to learn a foreign language quickly and understand several issues of today's society.

Admittedly, there are some minor issues involved when primary schools teach a global language to their student. One problem is that children might not provide their proper attention to technical subjects, which may also affect their overall results. Consequently, children will face more difficulties when they will try to find any professional jobs in their future. Another possible issue is that pupils may lose their interest from a native language, if they put more emphasis on a foreign language. One supporting piece of evident for this argument is that in India, 23 percent of students, who are studying in English-medium primary schools, are speaking in English at their home because they are not able to adopt their native language.

In conclusion, learning process of a global language will be easier for children due to their early age, and this is also helpful for them to understand the issues of society. Due to these positive impacts, advantages clearly outweigh any disadvantage.


Word Count: 343


You have a full-time job and are also doing a part-time evening course. You now find that you can not continue the course.

Write a letter to course tutor,

- Describe the situation

- Explain why you cannot continue at this time

- Say what action you would like to take


Dear Mr. Mehta,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I can not continue my part-time course as I am finding it difficult to maintain a balance between work and study life.

Let me explain why I can not attend any evening class from today. Since our company have assigned for an important software deployment task for the next month, most employees are required to work overtime in order to finish all developments and testing components before the deadline. That is why, I have to stay in the company until 11 o'clock in the night for one month.

I would like you to place me on a temporary hold for this semester. For you reference, my student number is 0123456543. In addition, I am thinking to rejoin the course in next semester because all of my work-related tasks will be finished in this term, so I would like you to register me for a next semester in advance.

Thank you for your help and support in this matter.

Your faithfully,

Pritesh Gondaliya


Word Count: 174

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Thank you for review.
What about this one.


Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.

Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Although providing knowledge of a foreign language at a primary school is thought by some to be an effective experiment for children, other people think that it can be detrimental. In my opinion, I believe that learning a global language at early age can bring about more positive outcomes for children compared to any problems it might bring.

first, question did not asked your opinion
second, don't give it in intro of advantage/disadvantage type essay

Despite the drawbacks below, I consider that benefits gain by children learning an international language are extremely useful for their future. Firstly, it will be easier for children to learn any language at an early age because numerous scientists have discouraged that young children have ability to grab the information faster than adults. As a result, they will not face any difficulty to learn several aspects of that language. Secondly, children will occupy the information about several culture, including its morals, festivals, issues, cloths, and living styles. This will eventually aid them to understand various social problems, such as gender inequality and racism. In short, children from primary schools will be able to learn a foreign language quickly and understand several issues of today's society.

why did you write this kind of strange and stupid first sentence ?

rest is fine. clear logical and all that

Admittedly, there are some minor issues involved when primary schools teach a global language to their student. One problem is that children might not provide their proper attention to technical subjects, which may also affect their overall results. Consequently, children will face more difficulties when they will try to find any professional jobs in their future. Another possible issue is that pupils may lose their interest from a native language, if they put more emphasis on a foreign language. One supporting piece of evident for this argument is that in India, 23 percent of students, who are studying in English-medium primary schools, are speaking in English at their home because they are not able to adopt their native language.

very clear and precise.

In conclusion, learning process of a global language will be easier for children due to their early age, and this is also helpful for them to understand the issues of society. Due to these positive impacts, advantages clearly outweigh any disadvantage.

very clear and precise.

this essay clearly feels like 7 and above, but don't get your hopes too high.

You have a full-time job and are also doing a part-time evening course. You now find that you can not continue the course.

Write a letter to course tutor,

- Describe the situation

- Explain why you cannot continue at this time

- Say what action you would like to take


Dear Mr. Mehta,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I can not continue my part-time course as I am finding it difficult to maintain a balance between work and study life.

Let me explain why I can not attend any evening class from today. Since our company have assigned for an important software deployment task for the next month, most employees are required to work overtime in order to finish all developments and testing components before the deadline. That is why, I have to stay in the company until 11 o'clock in the night for one month.

I would like you to place me on a temporary hold for this semester. For you reference, my student number is 0123456543. In addition, I am thinking to rejoin the course in next semester because all of my work-related tasks will be finished in this term, so I would like you to register me for a next semester in advance.

Thank you for your help and support in this matter.

Your faithfully,

Pritesh Gondaliya


Word Count: 174

letter is fine, don't see any big issues.

its clear that your writing is becoming more refined.

 

[priteshgondalia]

first, question did not asked your opinion
second, don't give it in intro of advantage/disadvantage type essay



why did you write this kind of strange and stupid first sentence ?

rest is fine. clear logical and all that


very clear and precise.


very clear and precise.

this essay clearly feels like 7 and above, but don't get your hopes too high.





letter is fine, don't see any big issues.

its clear that your writing is becoming more refined.

Thank you so much, I must admit it’s all because of you and gagan that i am improving my writing.

Thanks again.

 

[priteshgondalia]

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs.
Why do you think so many children are overweight?
what could be done to solve this problem?

A large number of youngsters are obese and consequently, this could lead them toward some potential problems in their future, including health and health care costs. In my opinion, this is mainly because of the easy access of fast food and the lack of physical exercises. There are number of solutions which could be implemented to deal with the child obesity.

To begin with, there are two major reasons of the child obesity issue. Firstly, the reason for most children becoming overweight, is due to the efficient access of fast food in various metropolitan areas. In other words, adolescents have adopted fast food dishes as their primary source of food, which has excessive amount of sugar and fat in it. Secondly, importance of physical activities, such as yoga, outdoor sports and gym, have been decreased in teenagers and as a result, they are not able to keep their body fit and healthy. This is because children are spending their most of time in television and enormous video games. In short, consumption of unhealthy food and lack of physical activities can be the reasons for child obesity problem.

There are two effective solutions to the problem of overweight children. One way to tackle this is to ensure that healthy food becomes cheaper than fast food, which can only be done by the government. Therefore, state authority will have to encourage shop owners to diminish the cost of healthy food which will eventually inspire teenagers not to consume unhealthy food. To illustrate, since Indian government has reduced the price of organic food, overall sale of fast food has been dropped to 15 percent, based on a recent report. Another method of dealing with obesity is to have extra-curricular subjects, such as sports and yoga, in the syllabus of schools. By doing this, it will aid to influence youngsters to perform regular exercise and physical activities. These solutions would hopefully prevent children from becoming obese.

In conclusion, making healthy food inexpensive and promoting physical activities, including yoga and gym exercises, in the school curriculum could be an effective in dealing with the child obesity issue. If government and school owners implement these solutions, obesity figure would drop soon.

Word Count: 365

Please and Thank You.
Appreciated.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs.
Why do you think so many children are overweight?
what could be done to solve this problem?

A large number of youngsters are obese and consequently, this could lead them toward some potential problems in their future, including health and health care costs.

"consequently" means "this could lead to", you wrote both
A large number of youngsters are obese, which could lead them to potential problems in their future, including health and health care costs.
moreover, i still feel "lead" is still not appropriate, use repercussions

A large number of youngsters are obese, in their future, which could create some potential problems such as health and health care costs.

In my opinion, This is mainly because of the easy access of fast food and the lack of physical exercises. There are number of solutions which could be implemented to deal with the child obesity.

question did not asked of your opinion, so stop giving it in introduction or anywhere for that matter

To begin with, there are two major reasons of the child obesity issue. Firstly, the reason for most children becoming overweight, is due to the efficient access of convenient access to fast food in various metropolitan areas.

"reasons of" or "reasons for" ?
efficient ?? it is a positive word. you are giving it in a negative scenario, use another word.
and "access of" is wrong.

and you used "the reason for" and "due to" for same thing, they mean same
so right could be

the reason for overweight children is efficient/convenient access to fast food
or
Due to efficient/convenient access to fast food in various metropolitan areas most of children are becoming overweight.

seeing this ???

In other words, adolescents have adopted fast food dishes as their primary source of food, which has excessive amount of sugar and fat in it. Secondly, importance of physical activities, such as yoga, outdoor sports and gym, have been decreased in teenagers and as a result, they are not able to keep their body fit and healthy. This is because children are spending their most of time in television and enormous video games. In short, consumption of unhealthy food and lack of physical activities can be the reasons for child obesity problem.

there are logical and grammatical errors in almost every sentence.

There are two effective solutions to the problem of overweight children. One way to tackle this is to ensure that healthy food becomes cheaper than fast food, which can only be done by the government. Therefore, state authority will have to encourage shop owners to diminish the cost of healthy food which will eventually inspire teenagers not to consume unhealthy food. To illustrate, since Indian government has reduced the price of organic food, overall sale of fast food has been dropped to 15 percent, based on a recent report. Another method of dealing with obesity is to have extra-curricular subjects, such as sports and yoga, in the syllabus of schools. By doing this, it will aid to influence youngsters to perform regular exercise and physical activities. These solutions would hopefully prevent children from becoming obese.

there are logical and grammatical errors in almost every sentence.

In conclusion, making healthy food inexpensive and promoting physical activities, including yoga and gym exercises, in the school curriculum could be an effective in dealing with the child obesity issue. If government and school owners implement these solutions, obesity figure would drop soon.

again ? there are logical and grammatical errors in almost every sentence.

Word Count: 365

please keep it to 265, cuz more you write, more mistakes you make.

I feel somebody else wrote this essay, not you.