How to cope with a spouse who has recently landed?

[saima13]

Habibiti I have been reading your posts during appeal process as I have the same timeline. My husband recently got his pasprt back and is landed this weekend. Ours took almost five years for the whole process. Right now we are so excited...but it creeps me out to think this could also happen. I hope things get better for you and he values you and your love for him.

 

[Habibti]

Habibiti I have been reading your posts during appeal process as I have the same timeline. My husband recently got his pasprt back and is landed this weekend. Ours took almost five years for the whole process. Right now we are so excited...but it creeps me out to think this could also happen. I hope things get better for you and he values you and your love for him.

Congratulations Saima13!!! What an exciting time! and a challenging one too! lol

Do not worry too much... it is normal there is a period of adjustments and compromises the first few months. It requires patience, strength, endurance and sacrifices. My husband has been here for 3 months now and I must say that the last 7 days were very happy and harmonious days. It is true what the other member said. When you live far apart from each other day after day, month after month, year after year, you imagine how will be your life with your partner when he or she starts living with you. I must say that most of it won't happen the same way you imagined it. What you thought would be easy turns out to be difficult and what you thought would be difficult turns out to be easy. For the first few months, there is a lot of imbalance. I feel that my husband and I reached a plateau of understanding this week. Now I know which buttons not to press and which ones to press and it is the same for him

My husband is still looking actively for work. He went to Labor Unlimited one morning this week and he was not the only one waiting for a job. He was sent home and some other people too without a job

He went to a job fair and he was told by employers there that he must be in Canada for at least a year (???). Most of the jobs require a BC driver's licence

In the meantime, my account is still overdraft and we cannot pay the bills anymore. I keep the little I have for food and gas. Last time I wrote on this forum that my husband wanted to spend his Friday evenings at the mosque and I accepted. Last night was Friday night... as I am an opportunist, I turn every situation to my advantage. I decided I would go for a ride in the countryside and go close to the US border to fill my car with gas as it is much cheaper. When my husband heard of my plan, he decided not to go to the mosque, but come with me lol lol (reverse psychology?). We had an AMAZING evening! After 45 minutes of driving, we stopped for iced tea. My husband passed his written driving test earlier this week and last night he drove so he can learn how to drive better for his road test. After iced tea, he drove for another 30 minutes and we got at the gas station. After we filled the cars, we bought donuts. On the way home, we listened to very loud country-rock music. We felt so mellow. From the time we left home and the time we return home, we talked a lot and laughed so so much!

So... be loving, giving, understanding and patient with your husband during his first few months. It will touch his heart and in return you will have the most caring and devoted husband. Last night my husband told me how happy he is with me and he added: "You are such a good woman!"

And another advice... try to add a little fantasy here and there to uplift his spirits. For example, one morning this week, I was going to work and my husband came with me so he could have a ride to go to this job fair. Halfway, I decided to stop at a park he has never seen. A park along the water. It was so beautiful with all the pink Japanese trees. We spent 5 minutes there admiring the view. It was so inspiring and because of that we had an excellent day.

Again all my congratulations to you and your husband! Wow! After 5 years.... I clap my hands!

 

[Habibti]

Here is another update. I was not expecting that one. Last night, my husband told me he spent the afternoon in a college to take some tests (English, maths, etc.). He passed them. He decided to register and start a 6 weeks course that will give him some sort of Canadian certification. He feels he is going nowhere and he is hoping to have better chances in June. Also this college finds work places for these students.

I was quite upset with the news. For the past few weeks, I have been unable to pay all the bills and there is less money for grocery. My creditors and the bank will be after me. I tried to explain to him that I might lose my excellent credit rating or they might seize my car or worst my house. He told me he felt sick and to stop putting pressure on him. He said his plate is full: he lost his friends, his family, far from his country, almost no mosques, difficulties with the weather and English (he is not 100% fluent), no money, no job, the pace is too fast, etc. etc. etc. He said that if the pressure is too great, he will return to Morocco. Later, he told me he regretted saying that.

Really.... I was not expecting this kind of situation. For 4 years, we discussed how would be our life. We are far from what we have dreamed and discussed together

 

[ITsoftware]

thanks

I don't know where in BC you're based. You might want to try Mosaic.

http://www.mosaicbc.com/home

All the best, and hope things start to go smoothly soon.

 

[scylla]

Here is another update. I was not expecting that one. Last night, my husband told me he spent the afternoon in a college to take some tests (English, maths, etc.). He passed them. He decided to register and start a 6 weeks course that will give him some sort of Canadian certification. He feels he is going nowhere and he is hoping to have better chances in June. Also this college finds work places for these students.

Is he asking you / expecting you to fund his tuition for this course?

Sorry you're going through this...

 

[Habibti]

Is he asking you / expecting you to fund his tuition for this course?

Sorry you're going through this...

No, the course is free. After more than 2 months searching and getting lots of refusals (you have to have the BC driver's licence or your own transportation or experience for at least one year or Canadian certification, etc.), that my husband came to the point he lost his self-confidence. He is hoping with this course to boost his self-confidence and with the help of the college at the end of the course, to get a well paid permanent job.

 

[scylla]

No, the course is free. After more than 2 months searching and getting lots of refusals (you have to have the BC driver's licence or your own transportation or experience for at least one year or Canadian certification, etc.), that my husband came to the point he lost his self-confidence. He is hoping with this course to boost his self-confidence and with the help of the college at the end of the course, to get a well paid permanent job.

That's good news - at least you don't have to pay for the course. Do you think he might be able to get a part time job while he studies? Lots of students work while studying and this will certainly help you. Good luck.

 

[Habibti]

That's good news - at least you don't have to pay for the course. Do you think he might be able to get a part time job while he studies? Lots of students work while studying and this will certainly help you. Good luck.

This is intention too. To work evenings or weekends or both. In the meantime, I just found a cleaning job a few hours on weekend. The good news is that his course is only 6 weeks long, not one or two years. But I am afraid that once he is finished in June, he will have to compete with all the students getting out of college and university looking for a summer job.

 

[AnaMaria]

I understand your frustration but the reality here in Canada for immigrants is far worse than people would think. Don't expect that he can get a part time or full time while he is taking courses or immediately after he finishes the courses. He might of course but it is not that easy. I have a degree from a Canadian university but still have not found a full time position. I used to have excellent credit history but who cares now? I need to survive. Food for tomorrow is more important than credit score. (And if you know how, it is not difficult to get your score improved.) So many rejections will depress us. One would think the problem is him/herself, and self esteem will be low. Taking courses will give him accomplishment as well as opportunity to learn things, like the course materials, get to know other people. But one thing important is keep trying. You mentioned he tried Skills Connect but left. The program is 1 year program. The program can reimburse some fees and expenses, provide various free workshops including job hunting, resume writing, interview techniques, which are way better than those provided at university. It seems too early to determine that it won't work. Take advantage what's available. Nothing will work unless he sticks to it to the fullest.

You are not alone. We have negative balance on our accounts, our credit cards are maxed out. Our debt exceeds what he brings regularly. But we have each other, and we are determined to work hard to achieve financial stability.

Good luck!

 

[dair2dv8103100]

I understand your frustration but the reality here in Canada for immigrants is far worse than people would think. Don't expect that he can get a part time or full time while he is taking courses or immediately after he finishes the courses. He might of course but it is not that easy. I have a degree from a Canadian university but still have not found a full time position. I used to have excellent credit history but who cares now? I need to survive. Food for tomorrow is more important than credit score. (And if you know how, it is not difficult to get your score improved.) So many rejections will depress us. One would think the problem is him/herself, and self esteem will be low. Taking courses will give him accomplishment as well as opportunity to learn things, like the course materials, get to know other people. But one thing important is keep trying. You mentioned he tried Skills Connect but left. The program is 1 year program. The program can reimburse some fees and expenses, provide various free workshops including job hunting, resume writing, interview techniques, which are way better than those provided at university. It seems too early to determine that it won't work. Take advantage what's available. Nothing will work unless he sticks to it to the fullest.

You are not alone. We have negative balance on our accounts, our credit cards are maxed out. Our debt exceeds what he brings regularly. But we have each other, and we are determined to work hard to achieve financial stability.

Good luck!

Well said and agreed. You can't give up just because something seems difficult.

Ditto on the finances too.

 

[Habibti]

I calm down... I feel more serene

Thanks for everything you wrote... you are right on all accounts. It will be difficult and stressful, but we'll get out of this eventually. Like we did for the appeal lol

I just thought he could work in a grocery store or any other store or do small labor jobs until he finds something better.

 

[amikety]

I calm down... I feel more serene

Thanks for everything you wrote... you are right on all accounts. It will be difficult and stressful, but we'll get out of this eventually. Like we did for the appeal lol

I just thought he could work in a grocery store or any other store or do small labor jobs until he finds something better.

From my experience with my first husband - he'll only work if you make him. He had no issues leeching off of me and his parents. It wasn't until I stopped giving him money for anything and told him to get a job or get out that he went and finally found work...

I hope your situation isn't that bad :/

 

[Habibti]

No problem at all... the first week he got here, he started to look for work and he made some connections at the mosque where he got work from one of the Muslims. He worked for him on four different occasions (4 different days). He went around my neighborhood and then got work from one of my neighbors (it was a demolition job - 5 days).

He went to Labor Unlimited in the morning for three weeks and he got labor jobs minimum wage. A few mornings, Labour Unlimited had no work for him. It is because of the instabiliby (not knowing if he will get a job or not) and the low wages that my husband thought it best to take a course in order to have a more secure job. He was told that instead of the minimum wage ($10.25), he could get stable labor jobs at $15/hour. This course will allow him to be the helper of a carpenter, or a plumber or an electrician, etc. He wants so much to have a better life with me and help me with the debtload (and also send money to his family in Morocco), that is why he was motivated to take that course.

 

[CdnandTrini]

Reply: How to cope with a spouse who has recently landed?

Thank you so much Dair for your very interesting feedback! I always find that you make sense and reading your words help me to see things clearly. Yes, sometimes my husband has a hard time to sit down with me and be open about his wants. As you said he is young and has to learn how a marriage works. The good thing is that he is full of goodwill and take seriously into account what I have to say. I can see his efforts, but sometimes he forgets he is married

About work... his intention was to go to a technology institute to learn the trade of welding. I told him we cannot afford that. He has to work. I have so many debts due to the Immigration process, the appeal and my trips to Morocco. Also I lost an important job a few weeks ago. It was a sideline and I made more money with this sideline than with my regular permanent job.

His dream work would be to work for himself. He has a hard time to work for someone else and would like to be his own boss. As the time at the mosque is very important to him, he would like to work and go to the mosque anytime he wants. He has a hard time to get crappy jobs with low wages.

Habibti - Welding is a very well paid job with a good future. Is there some way you could find out about small business loans/student loans for new immigrants? Or at least get your hubby to do some research on it. By the way it is ILLEGAL for employers to ask for "Canadian" experience or deny a person an opportunity because they do not have "Canadian Experience". Make sure your husband knows how to navigate that type of discrimination in job situations. Blessings to you both and your posts are interesting to read simply as relationship issues for couples even without the immigration layer. ;D

 

[AnaMaria]

Sounds better than killing himself in a survival job . Carpenters and plumbers and other skilled labour can make money! The problem of keeping survival jobs is not just we won't be able to make enough money, it takes our time and energy, depresses us, and keep us in the bottom.

I know it is hard for you but it is hard for him too. My prayers go out for you, him and all the immigrants and their families!