amikety said:
I'm not familiar with the Canadian system yet. I just know being a visitor with no income gets you a nice Pell Grant with the USA. However, I'm not aware of any engineering schooling online. (My dad and two brothers are engineers of different types.) I would strongly encourage you to invest in you, though. Investing in you gives you the power to take care of yourself and those you care about.
I understand your pain trying to find friends without kids. All my friends have kids and sometimes all they talk about is kids. Bleck.
I do wish my husband I could do more things too. He doesn't like going anywhere except the Casino. Even just going for a walk around the block is too exciting for him. It gets very boring very quickly, then I get frustrated.
Thanks. Definitely moving towards investing in myself. I'm working right now on getting the things I need together to get my invitation business started up once the immigration business is said and done. I'm happy that my partner supports me in doing this and he has more faith in it than I do myself! lol
Zouk Princesse said:
I'm not trying to be insensitive or disrespectful of anyone's relationship, and I apologize in advance if what I'm about to say offends anyone. The issues I see being discussed here, these really are not issues of immigration, these are relationship issues, due partly or wholly to getting married before really knowing the person you're marrying. Emotional disposition, attitudes towards work and school, expressions of love, sharing, communication, outlook on life, opinions on how the home is run, sharing the same interests, these are all very, very important things that both partners should be fully and intimately familiar with before marriage. When you marry someone without having a clear picture of all these key elements, you're going to run into major problems no matter where you live. Missing family, working out the daily routine, deciding which side of the bed to sleep on, getting lost on the highway, these are issues of newly immigrated partners. Not being able to communicate, or being on different wavelengths emotionally - those are relationship problems. I'm saying all of this because I think many couples are hiding behind the guise of immigration, rather than accepting the true cause of their problems, and until you really get at the root cause, you can't fix anything. If you continue to seek out remedies for "new immigrants", you're never going to get your marriage back on track. Being in love is all well and good, but it's only a very small part of a healthy and happy marriage, and if loving each other is the only thing you're clear on before marriage, you're going to have a bumpy road ahead
Just my two cents
No disrespect taken, but I don't share the same sentiment. We knew each other well and had been together long before this. This has come from immigration. What I have found is that with the culture shock parts of your former culture that you didn't really seem to care about when you met the person and were with them for a while seem to really matter when you have been separated from that culture for a long time and thus becomes a problem.
Yes, I and others have vented further frustrations about our relationship and what not, but these tense situations are a result of stressors that came from h immigration and cultural differences.
The things you say should have been known were known - how our personalities have changed and shaped as a result of immigration stress and the change in location does change reactions. You can never know how you will REALLY feel and react until you're put in the situation, no matter how much you know someone. Also, you are right, loving each other is not enough, and that's not all that is there.. but it is all I mentioned as I don't want to go into deep details of our relationship on the forum.
The issues are superficial, but the things we have together and our bond is deeper than that, and thus we can get through it. But yes, immigration is the reason for this because the issues didn't come until we had to take on the stress of it and we had been together for quite some time (even lived together and were married) - it just became problematic when the initial honeymoon phase of the culture wore off and the paperwork began for immigration, etc.
The reality is it does come back on immigration creating relationship issues. To say that we didn't know our spouse well enough is a bold assumption with not enough information being known. Think of it like this... if a married couple had stated how they wanted to handle kids but had never had any then have kids and come to find out "hey... I don't really want to do it this way, I want this" - is that a product of not knowing the person well enough? No. It's a product of environment changing the situation. Immigration works the same way. It changes things. I always hated living down south and couldn't wait to get out, but now I feel very different. Time and circumstance changes people. If your foundation in the marriage is strong, you will get through it... but it won't be easy always. That's life.
Again, no disrespect from myself either. But I think if you viewed it from this perspective you could see how this (my post at least - not so sure about OP) can and does relation to immigration problems. And bringing it up on the board is fine when others have been through it too. I mean honestly, do you think we all didn't know our spouse? Some of us spent years together before the immigration process (living together and all) and never faced some of the problems faced once immigrating came into play. Sorry to sound defensive, but I am as I have a firm foundation in my marriage and when you take away the stressors of immigration boundaries (money, culture differences, etc) we just have the typical relationship strains that all face at some point.
Now don't get me wrong.. we're not all that way and some ARE indeed issues of just not knowing your partner and never living together and learning them, but I'm speaking mostly from my case and a couple others I know. So your assessment can apply to some, but please keep in mind, not all
I apologize if I come across rude, I mean no disrespect.
Habibti said:
Thank you KIRI for sharing your experience and a part of your inner world! Thank you for being genuine! Reading you helped me (and as you said it helped you too lol). You have all my compassion.
You are certainly welcome! I pray that I have been of some help.
Ramadan is in 4 days and I guess that is why my husband started to feel depressed and anxious sometime during June... He told me he would have preferred to be in Morocco with his family and friends during this time of the year (his favorite.... it is the time of the year where he feels the happiest). This special time of the year must trigger past happy memories and that is why he started to see his new life with negativity. I found this one yesterday, it helped me to understand things a bit better:
I feel this way everytime Thanksgiving comes. Canada celebrates it in October (this last year 2 days after my birthday) and America in November (within days of my brother's birthday) so between the birthday stuff and holiday being off it hits hard. Celebrating in October with his family and thinking I wouldn't have it come November really hurt.. but he asked something of me that made it a lot easier. He asked would I cook a southern Thanksgiving meal for us. (that was another odd thing for me... the meal dynamic is different in Canada in his family too -- it's late in the day and small and where I'm from it's early and very large family affair) I had never made a Thanksgiving meal so that was awesome to try it for the first time for my family. I'm used to my grandparents doing it even though I'm as old as I am. It just was my grandmother's thing. But even with that I still was lonely for my family.
I can relate to his feelings and the memories that come back.
It's just that we have to form new memories with our new family. It's sometimes hard to let the old go.
http://www.lossesintranslation.com/stages-of-immigration.php
I feel he is completely out of the honeymoon phase. He does not see me the way he used to see me. I don't want to say he does not love me anymore, but his love for me kind of cool down... he is more distant. For 4 months, he often said how much he loves me, how we are doing so well together, how a beautiful couple we are, etc. These days he is in his own world and often he snaps at me or criticize me.
Yesterday he finished work early and when he got home I was surprised that he got a paintbrush and paint to repaint the living room/dining room area (it was something I asked him to do for months). He was quiet, in his own world, barely talking to me... and he was singing a song about his mother: how much he misses her and loves her and adores her. I know he is very attached to her and for him she is the perfect muslim woman. I think one of the reasons he loves me a bit less these days is that summer has arrived and I wear short summer dresses. For him it is an absolute no-no in his religion and he has less respect for me I guess.
We both see that the life we have dreamed together for 5 years (on Skype, on MSN and during my visits) is NOT the same. It makes us sad and bitter I guess. For example, during our 5 years separation, we planned and talked about our road trip from Vancouver to the Prairies during my summer vacation. It won't happen as we now have serious money problems.
I am sorry it is so hard for you and I pray it gets easier. Are you unable to take a trip to his home to visit so he can get a bit of the homesickness out of his system? Or is money too tight?
He wished I could become Muslim so we can practice together the precepts of Islam. He told me he misses his times at the mosque and spending time with people discussing about Islam. As you said it so well: "Since being here in Canada I feel like I've lost touch with my religion. I quit praying, reading my bible, I haven't even attended church and I used to twice a week. I had quit thinking about it honestly, but reflecting on it I am reminded about how sad it makes me that I've lost so much touch with the world I've always known. It's not the same here. The churches are not the same as I'm used to something different, and most only find it in the south or deep south."
I wonder how much time it will take for him to overcome all the emotional stages and especially IF he will overcome them... I am not only worried about money, but also about our marriage. Is his love for me strong enough to stay and be committed in a loving/caring manner in our marriage? Most of the times (since early June), I feel alone in my marriage.
Well, I've not really overcome it as much as I suppressed it. Not actually healthy of me. He has mentioned going to church with me, but I haven't taken him up on it. But I do feel so much better knowing he'd be willing to do that for me. Have you thought about getting involved and going to the mosque? (I don't know how Muslim religion works to be able to know if that's acceptable or whatever, so it's just a thought) He may feel much better by you being involved in what HE loves and cares about.
Have you talked to him about your feelings? If you haven't, there is one of your biggest mistakes. Not communicating will nail the coffin on your marriage tightly shut. Share your feelings, let him share his. When he talks of being alone, tell him you respect it and that you want to be there for him and for him not to hesitate in coming to you. Right now it seems as if you two are cut off emotionally... and that's going to lead you down a destructive path as you've seen. Sometimes being alone is good, but after this long you sometimes have to force an issue to break through.
That is just my opinion... I've never been with a Muslim man before so I can't even begin to tell you how to approach him that would be befitting to how his culture handles emotional discord.
I wish I could be more help to you.
