IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[eazimizadeh]

Hi again folks!
I'd appreciate if you'd review and score (band 1 to 9):

Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn teamwork.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

People have different views about whether adolescents learn to be competitive or cooperative, when they are involved in athletic activities. While cooperation could be acquired in such activities, in my opinion, competition is the main result of sports for youngsters.

On the one hand, sports is considered as one of the primary tools of training teamwork skills for children. First of all, most sports require a set of players who are members of a certain team, and they should play for a common goal together. To achieve their goal, team members involve in a chain of interactions among themselves that enhance their collaborative abilities. Moreover, in group sports, each individual is assigned to specific duties, and they all must fulfill their responsibilities to experience a mutual victory. As a result, every child in the group can understand their importance and the concept of cooperation could be studied in the real world.

On the other hand, I would argue that it is more likely for juveniles to absorb competitive capabilities when they are engaged in an athletic performance. Firstly, all sports contain some levels of rivalry, and winners and losers should be declared at the end. Secondly, competition is definitely a major part of every match, not only between two teams, but also amongst one team’s athletes who separately attempt to succeed more than their teammates. For example in a ball game like soccer, although a team has tried hard to win a game, it is the player who has scored a goal is praised at most. Finally, there is a considerable number of sports in which no team exists and only two single players compete for their individual success.

In conclusion, teamwork could be taught to adolescents through sports, however, I believe that competition is the utmost consequence of athletic activities for children.

 

[reesastark]

hello every one, I saw the topic here and I tried writing it out.
I was hesitating about the structure, please guide through
@cansha @marosa



In the past, photography was used to real people and places; however, because of technology, today you cannot trust what you see.

It is a negative or positive aspect of development?

Photography used to be a trustworthy tool to capture facts and memories in the pre-digital era, however, nowadays, with massive development in digital technology, the chance for manipulating photos or even movies is not unlikely. Even though the possibility of spreading misinformation is a concerning side effects, I believe that the new technology exceptional capability in spreading out from every corner of the globe, is far more advantageous.

Admittedly, digitization has affected the photography industry in a way that a certain fact can be pictured in a manipulating way, indeed misleadingly. In fact, several powerful software have been developed specifically for this purpose, thus even unprofessional individuals can alter a photo or even a video as they desire. Consequently, if this technology is being utilized viciously, a misinformation will be visualized conveniently. Since people are accustomed to believe in photos and movies, they will be a carrier of these destructive pictures, unintentionally. This can be tremendously hazardous, for instance, in the time of Coronavirus pandemic, when the accuracy of information is vital for public health.

On the other side, undeniably the revolution in photography devices has made picturing facts and events widely accessible. Nowadays, in every corner of the globe, people are capable of conveying their issues and troubles via photos, thus they can reach out for help or support. As a result, no cruel group or organization feel safe to act unethically since they are always concerning about whether they are being filmed or not. A very good example is a video that pictured what happened to George Floyd in the United States, and now all world rally against racism with watching it. Moreover, the chance of a rare accident like a sudden tornado, or almost extinct animal is being filmed is much higher these days. It is absolutely a valuable piece of information that was not available earlier.

To conclude, the revolution in photography has both negative and positive aspects, however, I think that the positive outcomes outweigh its negatives ones.

 

[AB17]

Hey guys! I'd appreciate if you could review and rate my essay:

In the past, photography was used to real people and places; however, because of technology, today you cannot trust what you see.
Is it a negative or positive aspect of development?

Recent improvements in technology have altered the common sense about the originality of pictures. While this development can be advantageous in different aspects, I believe that its several drawbacks for the society prevail over the benefits. (this is a filler sentence and it would not be much appreciated by the evaluators.)

On the one hand, advances in photography have provided amateurs and professionals with a variety of tools that can be utilized to increase the quality of their photos. (nitpicking here, but either write pictures or photographs) Firstly, upgraded cameras are taking pictures with increased frame rate, which result in a more suitable selection of photos in high speed events like sports. Secondly, there are numerous software packages that can assist people to edit their pictures in a more convenient way. For instance, red eye spots or unexpected pedestrians in a family photo could easily be removed in a computer application, such as Photoshop. Finally, expert photographers are now capable of using special effects on their work related photos, thus they can enhance the effectiveness of their published report in a newspaper or a magazine.

On the other hand, I would argue that these alterations are unrealistic and original pictures are always of higher value to the society. Moreover, edited pictures today are vastly used in spreading fake news and false data/information As a result, we cannot distinguish between right and wrong, and society suffers from the dishonest information that some news agencies demonstrate. Moreover, many imaginary pictures "artificial pictures" are increasingly produced and misused to increase superstition, especially amongst less developed nations. Lastly, because we cannot trust photos anymore, photography has lost its position as an artistic talent (artistic talent?? or lost its position as a reliable source of information therefore, many individuals are losing their jobs and unfortunately the unemployment rate increases. (many journalists who have lost their jobs because of resorting to such illicit activities).

In conclusion, technological developments in photography can be beneficial, however, the negative aspects of these developments outweigh the advantages. (Conclusion needed one more sentence)

In addition to marosa i would like to make some comments. Always make sure your first sentence is error free. I know entire essay should be as well but its the first sentence that sets the perception of reader.

"Recent improvements in technology have altered the common sense about the originality of pictures."
Improvements "according to me" is a positive word.. Whereas your essay is focused toward negative aspect of technology. I think better word there was "advancements". Advancements can be positive or negative.
This is how i would have written the sentence.. Recent advancements in technology have altered people perception about the authenticity of pictures.

 

[marosa]

In addition to marosa i would like to make some comments. Always make sure your first sentence is error free. I know entire essay should be as well but its the first sentence that sets the perception of reader.

"Recent improvements in technology have altered the common sense about the originality of pictures."
Improvements "according to me" is a positive word.. Whereas your essay is focused toward negative aspect of technology. I think better word there was "advancements". Advancements can be positive or negative.
This is how i would have written the sentence.. Recent advancements in technology have altered people perception about the authenticity of pictures.

Hi! Just from my own experience, I scored 8 with a 1 sentence conclusion. 1 sentence in the conclusion is more than enough if you manage to indicate your opinion and the main ideas there. In this case, the problem with the conclusion is not its length at all. And moreover - the longer your conclusion is, the more chances you have to present a new idea there or to add something that will contradict your body paragraphs.

And as for the introduction, I insist it is ok for band 7 and above if to take into account my comments. That intro just missed mentioning the main ideas.

 

[cansha]

Hi! Just from my own experience, I scored 8 with a 1 sentence conclusion. 1 sentence in the conclusion is more than enough if you manage to indicate your opinion and the main ideas there. In this case, the problem with the conclusion is not its length at all. And moreover - the longer your conclusion is, the more chances you have to present a new idea there or to add something that will contradict your body paragraphs.

And as for the introduction, I insist it is ok for band 7 and above if to take into account my comments. That intro just missed mentioning the main ideas.

In my long post of Dos and Don'ts, I have advised not to write 1 line conclusions. It was based off many essays that were being posted on the forum at that time which really couldn't pull off a one line conclusion.

There is nothing wrong in a single line conclusion but then the essay flow needs to be good and points should be crystal clear in BPs. It needs a lot of practice and more importantly clarity of thought. I have seen your corrections here and I have no doubt you would have pulled off single line conclusion spectacularly.

 

[AB17]

Hi! Just from my own experience, I scored 8 with a 1 sentence conclusion. 1 sentence in the conclusion is more than enough if you manage to indicate your opinion and the main ideas there. In this case, the problem with the conclusion is not its length at all. And moreover - the longer your conclusion is, the more chances you have to present a new idea there or to add something that will contradict your body paragraphs.

And as for the introduction, I insist it is ok for band 7 and above if to take into account my comments. That intro just missed mentioning the main ideas.

Agreed! I mean one sentence can work if it brings everything together especially the main ideas and final thought of the essay. To pull that off as Cansha mentioned needs clarity of thought and lot of practice.. Also i agree with you conclusion should be just good enough that we don't delve into giving new information.

For introduction as a precautionary measure i would still recommend to avoid memorized sentences.

 

[marosa]

In my long post of Dos and Don'ts, I have advised not to write 1 line conclusions. It was based off many essays that were being posted on the forum at that time which really couldn't pull off a one line conclusion.

There is nothing wrong in a single line conclusion but then the essay flow needs to be good and points should be crystal clear in BPs. It needs a lot of practice and more importantly clarity of thought. I have seen your corrections here and I have no doubt you would have pulled off single line conclusion spectacularly.

I don’t know why but to me one line conclusion and 1 sentence conclusion is not the same))) I’ve always thought you meant not to write too short conclusions, which I totally agree with. It’s just that I’ve seen it so many times that as soon as ppl add the second sentence they all of a sudden start giving out new ideas, suggestions or solutions when not asked to. That’s why it seems to me that it’s easier to score 7+ with 1 sentenced conclusions)))))

 

[cansha]

I don’t know why but to me one line conclusion and 1 sentence conclusion is not the same))) I’ve always thought you meant not to write too short conclusions, which I totally agree with. It’s just that I’ve seen it so many times that as soon as ppl add the second sentence they all of a sudden start giving out new ideas, suggestions or solutions when not asked to. That’s why it seems to me that it’s easier to score 7+ with 1 sentenced conclusions)))))

Yes you are correct. One sentence is different than one line. A well written sentence is good enough for conclusion. And yes writing new ideas in conclusion is a big No for IELTS.

 

[marosa]

Hi again folks!
I'd appreciate if you'd review and score (band 1 to 9):

Some people think that sport teaches children how to compete, while others believe that children learn teamwork.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

People have different views about whether adolescents learn to be competitive or cooperative, when they are involved in athletic activities. While cooperation could be acquired in such activities, in my opinion, competition is the main result of sports for youngsters. In my opinion, while defining common goals and being assigned to specific tasks may lead to cooperation, the main result of sports for youngsters is competition.

On the one hand, sports is considered as one of the primary tools of training teamwork skills for children. First of all, most sports require a set of players who are members of a certain team, and they should play for a common goal together. To achieve their goal, team members involve in a chain of interactions among themselves that enhance their collaborative abilities. Moreover, in group sports like soccer or basketball, each individual is assigned to specific duties, and they all must fulfill their responsibilities to experience a mutual victory. As a result, every child in the group can understand their importance and the concept of cooperation could be studied in could be later applied to? the real world.

On the other hand, I would argue that it is more likely for juveniles to absorb competitive capabilities when they are engaged in an athletic performance it’s. Firstly, all sports contain some levels of rivalry, and winners and losers should be declared at the end. Secondly, competition is definitely a major part of every match, not only between two teams, but also amongst one team’s athletes who separately attempt to succeed more have more input than their teammates. For example in a ball game like soccer, although a team has tried tries hard to win a game, it is the player who has scored a goal is the one to be praised at most. Finally, there is a considerable number of sports in which no team exists and only two single players compete for their individual success.

In conclusion, while some think that teamwork could be taught to adolescents through sports, however, I believe that competition is the utmost consequence of athletic activities for children both due to competition within teams and because of a large number of individual sports.

For 7 you’re missing details in the intro and conclusion, + an example in BP1, at least name few sports there, that may also count for an example if done properly.

As for intro/conclusion, because you actually had two reasons in both BPs and your intro and conclusion would get too long if you’ve mentioned them all in both paragraphs, it may be a good idea to talk about the reasons of one side in the intro and the reasons of the other side in the conclusion.

 

[marosa]

hello every one, I saw the topic here and I tried writing it out.
I was hesitating about the structure, please guide through
@cansha @marosa



In the past, photography was used to real people and places; however, because of technology, today you cannot trust what you see.

It is a negative or positive aspect of development?

Photography used to be a trustworthy tool to capture facts and memories in the pre-digital era, however, nowadays, with massive development in digital technology, the chance for manipulating photos or even movies is not unlikely. Even though the possibility of spreading misinformation is a concerning side effects, I believe that the new technology exceptional capability in spreading out from every corner of the globe, is far more advantageous.

Admittedly, digitization has affected the photography industry in a way that a certain fact can be pictured in a manipulating way, indeed misleadingly. In fact, several powerful software have been developed specifically for this purpose, thus even unprofessional individuals can alter a photo or even a video as they desire. Consequently, if this technology is being utilized viciously, a misinformation will be visualized conveniently. Since people are accustomed to believe in photos and movies, they will be a carrier of these destructive pictures, unintentionally. This can be tremendously hazardous, for instance, in the time of Coronavirus pandemic, when the accuracy of information is vital for public health.

On the other side, undeniably the revolution in photography devices has made picturing facts and events widely accessible. Nowadays, in every corner of the globe, people are capable of conveying their issues and troubles via photos, thus they can reach out for help or support. As a result, no cruel group or organization feel safe to act unethically since they are always concerning about whether they are being filmed or not. A very good example is a video that pictured what happened to George Floyd in the United States, and now all world rally against racism with watching it. Moreover, the chance of a rare accident like a sudden tornado, or almost extinct animal is being filmed is much higher these days. It is absolutely a valuable piece of information that was not available earlier.

To conclude, the revolution in photography has both negative and positive aspects, however, I think that the positive outcomes outweigh its negatives ones.

Hi, the question is not about whether photography is good or bad, it’s about if editing photos is good or bad. You should always take time to understand the question before even starting to plan the essay. Always read the question 2-3 times.

 

[av4aviator]

To conclude, I believe that hobbies with a certain level of difficulty are highly beneficial due to their favorable impact on people’s development, as well as the positive memories they give rise to. - such a simple conclusion is enough for band 7

Thanks for the review. I agree to the given points, i will remember them while writing for the next time. i understood that i may need more practice on Ideas cohesion.
is it OK to have more than one main idea in a single body paragraph?

 

[av4aviator]

Hello Friends Kindly review the below. i am open to criticism,
Please scrutinize it as deep as possible.
@cansha @marosa @AB17

Some people claim that genetically modified (GM) food can be dangerous while others feel that it may bring enormous benefits to the world. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Introduction of genetically modified food has changed the perception of the food among the individuals, while some people support the facts of gene modification in food, draws few advantages such as agricultural growth and financial benefits, the other people argue that invention of unnatural sources on food industry directly affects the health of people and culture of farming. Moreover, I believe that the high-risk outcome of genetically modified food suppresses the advantages.

On the one hand, modern cultivation has been providing medium and large-scale industries with enormous food production capability in a limited period, and highly developed income. Firstly, in comparison with typical natural sprouts, hybrid plants generally grow faster and raise year-around. This enables the food industry to produce the highly demanded products, for instance, Jordanian tomatoes, which usually only grow in summer is produced now in all the seasons. Secondly, by increasing the output of the cultivation through modification on genetic factors, few plants provide more than double the output, as a result, the introduction of such products immensely rose the farming industries profit in recent days.

On the other hand, DNA altered products are primarily drawing multiple health disorders to the people. Likewise, excessive consumption of such products are gradually modifying the human biological structure; To illustrate, since the introduction of ‘broiler chicken’ in the Indian market, reportedly one in every three women are caused to attain early puberty between the age of 8 and 10, such immature syndrome causing stress and weakness to physical and mental fitness of the women. Adding further, modified genes, which have pattern rights and seedless farming, has dramatically devastated the traditional agriculture; though artificially altered method enfeeble the soil by various chemicals, poor farmers are enforced to rely on large corporate firms.

To conclude, in my view, even though advancements in agriculture can benefits firms by increasing their profits and fulfilling market demands, the cause of hazardous outcomes to the healthy society and traditional farming will outweigh the gains.

 

[marosa]

is it OK to have more than one main idea in a single body paragraph?

Well, I always tried to have only one main idea in each BP. If I have 3 main ideas, I would rather have 3 BPs. But hypothetically having more than 1 main idea should not be an issue if 1. all of the ideas are developed and supported in a proper way and 2. one BP is not twice the length of the other.

 

[Rehanyousaf]

In many countries, the tradition of having family meals together is disappearing. Why is this happening? What will the effects of this be on the family and society?
@cansha @marosa

The ritual of having combine meals within families is fading away. This trend is mainly due to busy lifestyle and increased financial burden. As a result, the proximity among family members is declining, and health problems are rising.

The first major contributing factor is the increase in financial responsibilities. To earn a livelihood, not only do professionals work in anti-social hours, but they also do part-time jobs on weekends. When they spend a significant portion of their daily routines in travelling and working, they left with no option to have lunch or dinner with their families. Similarly, this industriousness is also narrowing down the availability of leisure time to relax. Consequently, people often socialise with their acquaintances on dining tables in restaurants. By having meals with friends in restaurants, they kill two birds with one stone as they do not have to take out extra time to socialise with companions.

Spending less time with imitate family members is increasing distances among them. As they rarely spend time with each other due to busy schedules, the comfort level, and openness to share their issues is decreasing. As a result, when people are in hot waters, they often reluctant to express their thoughts, feelings and problems, especially when they are having issues with friends. Even worse, this isolation often generates frustration, which in severe circumstances can lead to depression. Moreover, the ramifications on children’s physical health are also on the rise as, without supervision, they usually spend free time on gadgets and have unhealthy edible items. This behaviour promotes a sedentary lifestyle; therefore, problems like obesity in society is prevailing and creating many other diseases such as diabetics, cardiac arrest and blood pressure.

To conclude, financial pressure and spending time with friends is resulting in no meal or a few meals with family members. The mental and physical ailment, depression and obesity, have been increasing as a result of this prevailing trend.

 

[AB17]

Hello Friends Kindly review the below. i am open to criticism,
Please scrutinize it as deep as possible.
@cansha @marosa @AB17

Some people claim that genetically modified (GM) food can be dangerous while others feel that it may bring enormous benefits to the world. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Introduction of genetically modified food has changed the perception of the food among the individuals. While some people support facts/benefits of gene modification in food industry as it draws few advantages such as/ helps in agricultural growth and the added financial benefits, the other people argue that invention of such unnatural source on/ in food industry directly affects the health of people and culture of farming. Moreover, I believe that the high-risk outcome of eating genetically modified food suppresses the economical advantages.

On the one hand, modern cultivation / the process of genetically modifying food has been providing medium and large-scale industries with enormous food production capability in a limited period, and highly developed income. Firstly, in comparison with typical natural sprouts/ to traditional farming, hybrid plants generally grow faster and raise/ raising year-around. This enables the food industry to not only produce the highly demanded products but also produce them throughout the year. For instance, Jordanian tomatoes, which usually only grow in summer now with help of GM process can be produced now in all the seasons. Secondly, by increasing the output of the cultivation through modification on genetic factors, few plants provide more than double the output, as a result, the introduction of such products immensely rose the farming industries profit / revenues in recent days.

On the other hand, DNA altered products are primarily drawing multiple health disorders to the people. Likewise, excessive consumption of such products are gradually modifying the human biological structure; To illustrate, since the introduction of ‘broiler chicken’ in the Indian market, reportedly one in every three women are caused to attain early puberty between the age of 8 and 10, such immature syndrome causing stress and weakness to physical and mental fitness of the women. Adding further, modified genes, which have pattern rights and seedless farming, has dramatically devastated the traditional agriculture; though artificially altered method enfeeble the soil by various chemicals, poor farmers are enforced to rely on large corporate firms.

To conclude, in my view, even though advancements in agriculture can benefits firms by increasing their profits and fulfilling market demands, the cause of hazardous outcomes to the healthy society and traditional farming will outweigh the gains.

First of all your introduction should have short and simple sentences atleast the first sentence, others can be complex. I was waiting for your introduction first sentence to get over and by end of it i almost didn't remember what it was about. Same thing happened in BP 2. Its good to write complex sentences but there should be a limit to number of words per sentence.

Your BP1 is really good it totally had me convinced about the advantage of GM foods. However its not the same with BP2 especially the reportedly part which doesn't belong to essays. You have to write it as an essay not a newspaper reporting. Another thing you have to be careful about is choice of words. I have marked some in red which doesn't belong there.

Conclusion is good.

Overall, I can say you have nailed the structure of writing essay however the thing missing in your write up is natural flow of words.