Hi once again
@cansha @H0peAndFa1th @dotslash227 and all others. Can you please evaluate my essay and give me an approximate band score. Your help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Task Achievement
The task asks you to what "extent" do you agree or disagree and does not ask you to fully agree or disagree. In such type of questions, you need to discuss both views and come to a conclusion. Not discussing both the views would result in a lower mark on TA.
Coherence and Cohesion
In paragraph one, the main idea of the paragraph is the "agreement" and points are discussed but not fully supported with suitable examples. Only one example is given for the entire paragraph, which will result in markdown on CC. All points should be supported by a relevant example which relates to the topic.
In paragraph 2, while, the paragraph is in agreement, the last line and conclusion of para 2, "Therefore, the treatment of infected patients would be detrimental to the government." nullifies the entire notion and completely markdowns your CC. What you might have meant is that it is imperative for the government to treat infected patients, to avoid the spread of diseases, the usage of the word "detrimental", changes the overall meaning of the conclusion.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There are no identifiable grammatical errors, which is good. However, the sentences are simple, you should practice writing short complex and compound sentences to score more on GRA.
You should also focus on the usage of punctuation marks, commas were not used, where it was required. There were many instances, so, not listing them, you should look upon effective punctuation usage.
Lexical Resources
1. Some words have been misused, like detrimental as pointed out in CC feedback.
2. Usage of products in "purchasing products such as gas,". While usage of the word "products" is not wrong, a more apt word would have been "consumable, "goods", "goods and services". People do not consume "products", people, consume, "goods" and "services".
3. provide them with an appropriate medical cover. -> There is no need to use the word "appropriate" because we already talking about free health service, health care is free, and universal, irrespective of caste, creed, sex, financial status.
4. integral part of their basic rights -> A right is a right, stuff are never "integral" parts of basic rights. Correction: as it is a basic human right.
