IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

Thanks a lot for being transparent and showing my weak areas. Positively taken.

I thought that alternatively stated is part of the structure and we should not miss that. Hope we should not loosing score by avoiding "alternatively stated"


Correct me if I am wrong!

Where did you read that it is part of the structure and not writing it will lead to loss of marks?

 

[Akhil Soni]

Hi friends,
Kindly evaluate this essay and enlighten me on my mistakes. Thanks.

Some people argue that competitive sports are for bringing together different people and cultures others argue that these sports can cause problems and increase conflicts between nations. Discuss both point of views and give your opinion.

Competitive sports attract audience from different nations and cultures. While some believe that such occasions promote union of people from varying cultures, others fear escalation of tension between people from different countries. In my opinion, sports always spread love and brotherhood between people irrespective of their nationality.

Every year teams from different countries play competitive sports in global tournaments. The magnanimity of these games make people visit stadiums to watch them live . People supporting their national teams are passionate for their team’s victory. Even then they respect their opposition team and their supporters. People enjoy the competitive nature of the game and simultaneously interact with their opponents. This interaction between the people of different cultures is of mutual respect and admiration. FIFA Football world cup, for instance witnesses stiff competition between arch rivals and their supporters are seen enjoying the game with their counterparts. Thus, it is evident that the people from different origins come together to enjoy and amalgamate at these events.

There are people, however, who are wary of competitive sports and its after effects. They opine that competitive spirits in the high stake games rise tempers of the supporters of the loosing team. As the emotions run high during such games, there is every chance that serious altercations between supporters of different teams can result. Sometimes emotional outburst is so phenomenal that tensions can precipitate at diplomatic levels for the two competing nations. An India Pakistan cricket match, for example, is watched with fervor by the people of both the nations. It is always feared that this game might raise conflicts between two nations and aggravate their strained ties.
In conclusion, in my opinion, frequent exposure to such competitive games eases the pressure associated with them and creates the atmosphere of bonding and affection between people with different backgrounds.



​

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Hello Friends,

Kindly check my essay and help me to improve my weak areas. @cansha & @H0peAndFa1th


Tourism is always considered as positive development on an international level.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true that tourism has brought about a constructive advancement on a global scale. However, I completely disagree with this statement in terms of its negative influence on environment and economy.

One reason to support this standpoint is its detrimental effects on local surroundings. Since tourism is emerging as an exceptional industry worldwide, transportation development also moves in tandem, which is considered as attributable to pollution. Pollution not only toxifies the air quality, but also increases such breath-related illnesses as asthma or in extreme cases, cancer. India, for example, is gradually becoming a tourism hub, and owing to this transport system also developing day-by-day, which resultantly produces 21 percent more pollutants than ever before. Thus, this example clearly shows the potential negatives of widely hailed ‘tourism’.

Another feasible point to justify this viewpoint would be its pessimistic impression on economy of visited nations. To put it in perspective, tourism tends to improve international relations because it encourages the constant flow of money from affluent economies to less developed countries. In reality, however, more often than not the wealth generated stays in the hands of privately-owned companies or local officials rather than local citizens of concerned place. To illustrate, many of us have visited developing states as globetrotters, and have witnessed at first hand the poverty that exists outsides the confines of the luxurious hotels.

To conclude, even though tourism has plethora of positive impacts such as conveyance growth and revenue generation, it seems to me that overall effect of this phenomenon is not always good.

Thanks in advance

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

I've been away for a little bit without practicing too much Task 2, so it is highly likely that my writing skills have been affected in a negative sense. So, please check my drafts and kill me with your ruthless comments. I deserve them for being inconsistent.

Task:
Some people think that poverty is the reason behind most crimes. Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Poverty and crime are one of the major and complex issues that are faced by society in our time. Some people argue that the underlying cause of criminality in the world is poverty. I partially agree with this opinion since there are, apart from poverty, others factors that lead to break the law, namely unemployment and a poor education.

The phenomenon of poverty, as proven recently by The Institute of Sociology of Spain, is a key element in the emerge of criminal wrongdoing. Those who can not afford, due to the lack financial resources, the basis necessities of life such as a decent housing, quality food, proper health, etc., would inevitably end up committing petty crimes (shoplifting, break-in, assault, and the like) to cover up these essential needs and survive in this world. That is why, nowadays Spanish government is allocating more funds for welfare and social assistance programs as a way to reduce criminality rates in the country.

On the flip side, unemployment, in a narrow sense, means no income at all and lots of free time to consume. Jobless, either youngsters or mature adults, tired of looking job but to no avail, are easy prey for criminal networks, which recruitment them as an associate to commit felonies with the promise of a great paid. In addition, poor or incomplete formal education is also associated with crime. If there is no a good and basic understanding about what is right or wrong, or how to live in society, it becomes easier to identify unlawful or blameworthy behavior within society, for instance sexual assault of family violence.

To summarize, although it is true that poverty bear a huge part of responsibility in the emergence of crime, it is also true than high rates of joblessness and lack of basic education are the remaining factors of that equation.

(311 words)

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

So introduction is on point. It is good. Only thing I would suggest is that since this is a "discuss both sides" kind of essay before you give your opinion you can actually mention something about both sides. This would have been perfect intro in case the essay question just said give your opinion. Since the essay topic says discuss both sides a better introduction paragraph would be to have some indication of both sides. For example something like (There may still be better ways of doing this)

Although investing in public transport has some benefits, I firmly believe that governments should invest more funds in developing eco-friendly vehicles to tackle this issue.

Keep in mind for next. Thanks



Overall the paragraph is good. I can see the idea. And I can see the idea flow and progression. Good!

A few things for improvement.

In line one ... the word deterrent is wrong choice. So I understand what you are trying to say but the way you wrote the next part of sentence it made it a double negative. It may be because you are translating from your language .. it happens ..

Let me explain .. now the sentence reads

deterrent .... to reduce use of private cars ... which means you are deterring the reduction in use of cars. Ok, It's like a double negation. I got it.

Correct use would be

public transportation would encourage people to reduce use of private cars .. You want to encourage people to use less cars.

or simply say

deterrent .... use of private cars . ... basically remove the word reduce from your sentence. Deter means you want people not to use their car.

I'm not sure if it makes sense to you. Sometimes it is difficult to explain on forum. May have been a 15 second explanation while talking.

Other than that good para but the end seemed a little abrupt. May be one more line to support why the benefits would be limited would have made it really good.




Good paragraph. Again the idea is clear. and there is a progression. But again I think if you added one more sentence it would have become even better. So here is what you argued

Electric vehicles -> less emission hence government supporting automotive industry -> which means cheaper cars .. If you added just one more line saying cheaper electric cars will see wider adoption from people and hence will help more. It would help your argument even more.

But as it is the paragraph is logical to me. And idea is clear.

Honestly, I was run of ideas at this point, and since the conclusion for paragraph is optional I just skipped, but you are right a wrap sentence would emphasized even more my whole idea.

Good

Overall ... as I said in previous essays there is a marked improvement in the way you are now writing essays. Your ideas are clear .. the flow of ideas .. structure is better, logical and easy to read. In this essay I could see good use of vocab also. There are a few suggestions which you can take (if you like).


I think you are on the right track. Keep improving and I hope you will score really good on your IELTS. All the best!

A bunch of thanks. I'm really, well how all people who participate actively here, grateful with all your support and free guidance. If there is a life beyond this, definitely you would have a privilege place there. Thanks! That said, Yes of course, I'd like those suggestions, undoubtedly they would be of great help.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Somebody please evaluate my essay ..

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hello Friends,

Kindly check my essay and help me to improve my weak areas. @cansha & @H0peAndFa1th

Dhillon sahab welcome,

Just to make it more clear, It is my view, you are not forced/coerced to agree with me at anything.

take whatever you want and leave the rest...

Tourism is always considered as positive development on an international level.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

question is pretty straight forward.

It is true that tourism has brought about a constructive advancement on a global scale. However, I completely disagree with this statement in terms of its negative influence on environment and economy.

very well written at first. no problem at all, feels like one from 7 or more bands.
glimpse (environment and economy) is very promising.

One reason to support this [problem with this, it is not 100% clear, what it refers to, so don't be shy in mentioning the issue again.] standpoint is its detrimental effects on local surroundings. Since tourism is emerging as an exceptional industry worldwide, transportation development also moves in tandem, which is considered as attributable to pollution. Pollution not only toxifies the air quality, but also increases such breath-related illnesses as asthma or in extreme cases, cancer. India, for example, is gradually becoming a tourism hub, and owing to this transport system also developing day-by-day, which resultantly produces 21 percent more pollutants than ever before. Thus, this example clearly shows the potential negatives of widely hailed ‘tourism’.

wow, ecstatic. I can't praise it enough.
vocab, sentence structure, logical progression, almost everything is 7 or more

Another feasible point to justify this [again this, feels little odd, ] viewpoint would be its pessimistic impression on economy of visited nations. To put it in perspective, tourism tends to improve international relations because it encourages the constant flow of money from affluent economies to less developed countries. In reality, however, more often than not the wealth generated stays in the hands of privately-owned companies or local officials rather than local citizens of concerned place. To illustrate, many of us have visited developing states as globetrotters, and have witnessed at first hand the poverty that exists outsides the confines of the luxurious hotels.

I wish, I could write like this. do you need to listen anything else ?

almost perfect.

To conclude, even though tourism has plethora of positive impacts such as conveyance growth and revenue generation, it seems to me that overall effect of this phenomenon is not always good.

Thanks in advance

wow again, you nailed it.

I think you can see the type of rare words and vocab related to the topic you have used here, I don't feel the need the mention them again.

your presentation, reasoning, logic, is excellent.

overall it feels like 8 or more band essay, yup it is. well the actual marking is flawed so can't say about the actual examiner.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

I've been away for a little bit without practicing too much Task 2, so it is highly likely that my writing skills have been affected in a negative sense. So, please check my drafts and kill me with your ruthless comments. I deserve them for being inconsistent.

well, I try to be honest and polite at same time, being ruthless doesn't work for some people.

Task:
Some people think that poverty is the reason behind most crimes. Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

easy question, open ended.

Poverty and crime are one of the major and complex issues that are faced ["that are faced" is odd, say issues/difficulties experienced by society] by society in our time. Some people argue that the underlying cause of criminality in the world is poverty. I partially agree with this opinion since there are, apart from poverty, others factors that lead to break the law [break the law, feels odd, just say convictions ], namely unemployment and a poor education.

I love this "unemployment and a poor education" intro to paragraphs, keep doing it.

well its perfectly written intro, for at-least 7 band essay, actually it can fetch 8 or even 8.5, if they are being honest.

The phenomenon of poverty, as proven recently by The Institute of Sociology of Spain, is a key element in the emerge of criminal wrongdoing. Those who can not afford, due to the lack financial resources, the basis necessities of life such as a decent housing, quality food, proper health, etc., would inevitably end up committing petty crimes (shoplifting, break-in, assault, and the like) to cover up these essential needs and [needs to survive] survive in this world. That is why, nowadays Spanish government is allocating more funds for welfare and social assistance programs as a way to reduce criminality rates in the country.

I would love to read these kind of paragraphs on daily basis, vocab,logic, sentence, everything is perfect. you stayed on topic.

On the flip side, unemployment, in a narrow sense, means no income at all and lots of free time to consume. Jobless, either youngsters or mature adults, tired of looking job but to no avail, are easy prey for criminal networks, which recruitment [recruit them] them as an associate to commit felonies with the promise of a great paid [say bounty, loot, huge some of money, quick money, write something in idiomatic language,i know you can think of something better]. In addition, poor or incomplete formal education is also associated with crime. If there is no a good and basic understanding about what is right or wrong, or how to live in society, it becomes easier to identify unlawful or blameworthy behavior within society, for instance sexual assault of family violence. ["sexual assault of family violence" feels little odd ]

well written.

To summarize, although it is true that poverty bear a huge part of responsibility in the emergence of crime, it is also true than high rates of joblessness and lack of basic education are the remaining factors of that equation.

(311 words)

no mess, perfect.

you can get 8 or 8.5 easily with this one, but as you can see remark success thread, you will have to settle at 7 or 7.5 maximum

but It is not less than 7 in any circumstances, believe it.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi friends,
Kindly evaluate this essay and enlighten me on my mistakes. Thanks.

You don't have to agree with me at anything, just to make it clear, it is my view not yours. so relaxxxx

Some people argue that competitive sports are for bringing together different people and cultures others argue that these sports can cause problems and increase conflicts between nations. Discuss both point of views and give your opinion.​

let's see

Competitive sports attract audience from different nations and cultures. While some believe that such occasions promote union of people from varying cultures, others fear escalation of tension between people from different countries. In my opinion, sports always spread love and brotherhood between people irrespective of their nationality.​

can't find any problem, feels like 7 (minimum)

Every year teams from different countries play competitive sports in global tournaments.

The magnanimity of these games make people visit stadiums to watch them live .

People supporting their national teams are passionate for their team’s victory.

Even then they respect their opposition team and their supporters.

People enjoy the competitive nature of the game and simultaneously interact with their opponents.

This interaction between the people of different cultures is of mutual respect and admiration.

FIFA Football world cup, for instance witnesses stiff competition between arch rivals and their supporters are seen enjoying the game with their counterparts.

Thus, it is evident that the people from different origins come together to enjoy and amalgamate at these events.​

8 sentences, without errors. logic is good, vocab is good, well written, no mess, no problem.

however, only thing you could do , is to join sentences and make them complex, compound etc.
which will increase reader's flow, and your band score. keep them around 5-6 maximum for one paragraph.

There are people, however, who are wary of competitive sports and its after effects.

They opine that competitive spirits in the high stake games rise tempers of the supporters of the loosing team.

As the emotions run high during such games, there is every chance that serious altercations between supporters of different teams can result.

Sometimes emotional outburst is so phenomenal that tensions can precipitate at diplomatic levels for the two competing nations.

An India Pakistan cricket match, for example, is watched with fervor by the people of both the nations.

It is always feared that this game might raise conflicts between two nations and aggravate their strained ties.​

well written brother, i am impressed by your word usage, vocab and logic,

there is no doubt or wondering after reading this, soooooo goood.

In conclusion, in my opinion [re-iterating the opinion, just say after much consideration or it is worth re-iterating that, to my understanding, in my view, I feel that, in my experience, in my observation, just be more creative ], frequent exposure to such competitive games eases the pressure associated with them and creates the atmosphere of bonding and affection between people with different backgrounds.​

well, this is my 3rd review today, it is not less than 7 in any case.

I don't know, may be you guys are following this thread seriously, all 3 essays are excellent.

I am soooooooooo Happppppppppppppy, love you all.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

All education (primary, secondary and further education) should be free to all people and paid and managed by the government.

Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Give reasons for your answer.

I see you are working hard, let us do it, its my 4th review today.

Many people argue that education is the primary catalyst in boosting the economy of a country. If any [ write "a"] country has an educated populace, they can create value for the world and in return, they will bring prosperity to their country. I also believe that education has an far-reaching effect on our society and government should bear the burden of educating their countrymen, so that poor can get desired support to come out of poverty and they can contribute to the economy of the nation.

"Many people argue that " every body else will be writing that, so please find some better way to say the same.

Solid introduction, no problem at all ( I mean anything less than 7 band )
well written, clearly stated everything, there's no mess or confusion.



First of all, education has become so expensive in the world that many people cannot even imagine of receiving quality education.

"First of all" every body else will be writing.... improve it.
"many people cannot even imagine of receiving quality education" little odd, say simple, " that even well doing families can't afford it for their children, or "that only people born with silver spoon in their mouth can afford it [idiomatic language]"

Rising poverty and continuous inflation has made it impossible for commoners to get the desired qualification.
its almost the same as previous sentence, they call it redundant, adding no value to paragraph, a line to stuff words, to increase word count, be careful with these kind of lines.

They are at a disadvantage and they cannot recover from it, even if they work hard.
beware again, meat is missing, miss to convey the message strongly. words with low or no value.

It is a form of discrimination that a poor person cannot get the academic credentials, which a rich person is receiving.

For instance, if I [a] boy is born in a rural area of India, [and] his father cannot afford to enroll his son in a reputable university.

Thus, his family will be further entangled into a virtuous cycle of poverty.
slightly wrong use of thus,
Therefore, government should intervene to provide the necessary catalyst to improve the lives of derelicts.

hmm you have good vocab.

Secondly, education is directly proportional to the economy and crime rate of any country. If a nation has majority of educated population, they can work towards increasing their income and as a consequence, their country will prosper. Similarly, a better economy impacts the crime rate as everybody will be able to earn their living comfortably. Therefore, if a government spends money on education of people, it can cut the budget of law enforcement. For instance, Scandinavian countries are a prime examples of this. There policing and military budgets are minimal, while their education system is superior than any country of the world.

this para is much better than previous one, there's no problem in it, or the one I can find.

its strange to see that kind of difference between both paras. I feel your thoughts were scattered when you started writing, it took you some time to get in the right flow.

Altogether, It will not be bad decision to invest in the education of people. Ultimately, it will improve the lives of millions as well as it will have a long lasting socio-economic impact. This expenditure should not be counted as an expense, but an investment in humans.

i am assuming, it it took much time to write first para than the second one and conclusion together.

like
first para time = second para time + conlcusion
tell me if this happened or not, if it is, then just write more and more, try to write without much thinking...

------
well you can get 7 for this one, comparing to mistakes I made, band 7 I got from an ex-examiner.
but in actual test, they are your enemies, I don't trust them to be little easy on you, they will surely award you 6.5, but I am sure revaluation can increase it to 7 or even 7.5 (maximum)

Its my view, so don't take it to the heart.

 

[Akhil Soni]

You don't have to agree with me at anything, just to make it clear, it is my view not yours. so relaxxxx



let's see



can't find any problem, feels like 7 (minimum)



8 sentences, without errors. logic is good, vocab is good, well written, no mess, no problem.

however, only thing you could do , is to join sentences and make them complex, compound etc.
which will increase reader's flow, and your band score. keep them around 5-6 maximum for one paragraph.





well written brother, i am impressed by your word usage, vocab and logic,

there is no doubt or wondering after reading this, soooooo goood.




well, this is my 3rd review today, it is not less than 7 in any case.

I don't know, may be you guys are following this thread seriously, all 3 essays are excellent.

I am soooooooooo Happppppppppppppy, love you all.

Thank you hope and faith for your time and encouragement. I will incorporate your suggestions to make my writing better.

 

[cajetan247]

Nope there is not, and you can check on this forum people have already given ielts 6 times, 8 times, 6th Jan was my second attempt in general, and already given academic two times, I personally know people who gave 4-5 times, So don't think that way, its like brute-forcing.

The main reasons for not succeeding in first two attempts is, you actually don't get the idea about test in first attempts, if your English is weak or you are nervous, then it makes things worse for you. I have seen people so relaxed, when they are taking it like 5th, 6th or even 8th, 9th times.

from your scores, its clear that your Reading is weak too, Its all about synonyms and comprehension of text.

Hey I have uploaded a new book, Essay Writing for English Tests by Gabi Duigu, check above, when I was thinking about your 5.5 bands, it just came to my mind that this could help you, first I was going to write a long lecture, but this book is THE BEST for you, I only recommended things, that I have read.

Read both books ( 1 & 2) then try to write a essay on above cleared sample answer sheet pdf, post your essay pictures.

I am Cajetan Ezeigbo by name,a Nigerian. Please I want to know how I can go with caba

 

[Moeedkh]

I see you are working hard, let us do it, its my 4th review today.


"Many people argue that " every body else will be writing that, so please find some better way to say the same.

Solid introduction, no problem at all ( I mean anything less than 7 band )
well written, clearly stated everything, there's no mess or confusion.



First of all, education has become so expensive in the world that many people cannot even imagine of receiving quality education.

"First of all" every body else will be writing.... improve it.
"many people cannot even imagine of receiving quality education" little odd, say simple, " that even well doing families can't afford it for their children, or "that only people born with silver spoon in their mouth can afford it [idiomatic language]"

Rising poverty and continuous inflation has made it impossible for commoners to get the desired qualification.
its almost the same as previous sentence, they call it redundant, adding no value to paragraph, a line to stuff words, to increase word count, be careful with these kind of lines.

They are at a disadvantage and they cannot recover from it, even if they work hard.
beware again, meat is missing, miss to convey the message strongly. words with low or no value.

It is a form of discrimination that a poor person cannot get the academic credentials, which a rich person is receiving.

For instance, if I [a] boy is born in a rural area of India, [and] his father cannot afford to enroll his son in a reputable university.

Thus, his family will be further entangled into a virtuous cycle of poverty.
slightly wrong use of thus,
Therefore, government should intervene to provide the necessary catalyst to improve the lives of derelicts.

hmm you have good vocab.




this para is much better than previous one, there's no problem in it, or the one I can find.

its strange to see that kind of difference between both paras. I feel your thoughts were scattered when you started writing, it took you some time to get in the right flow.



i am assuming, it it took much time to write first para than the second one and conclusion together.

like
first para time = second para time + conlcusion
tell me if this happened or not, if it is, then just write more and more, try to write without much thinking...

------
well you can get 7 for this one, comparing to mistakes I made, band 7 I got from an ex-examiner.
but in actual test, they are your enemies, I don't trust them to be little easy on you, they will surely award you 6.5, but I am sure revaluation can increase it to 7 or even 7.5 (maximum)

Its my view, so don't take it to the heart.

Hi,

Thanks for taking out time to write a review. Your suggestions are quite relevant. Indeed, I took more time in first para as compared to second. I was having difficulty in structuring it. I dont no why... my thoughts were clear though. May be you can suggest the solution of this problem.

You are right about low value words. I was certainly not able to use strong words. I will put more emphasis on it.

Thanks again for the review.

Rg,
AMK

 

[Moeedkh]

You will move to a new city for work. You know some people who live there.

Write a letter to someone you know who live there. In your letter

· ask them for help finding accommodation

· tell them where you would like to live

· tell them the type of place you are looking for


Dear Wilson,


Hope you are doing. I am delighted to inform you that I will be moving to your town next month for work purpose. I need your advice to settle their smoothly and find out an affordable accommodation, as I have never been to your city before.


I am particularly looking to find a two bed apartment on rent near down town area, so that I can easily commute to work. Moreover, it would be great, if it has some fitness and sports facilities nearby, so that I can work out in the evenings. Likewise, rent will be an important factor in choosing the place, as I am not willing to pay anything more than a $1000.


I hope you can find out such a place for me in due time. Looking forward to have a great time with you.


Regards,

AMK

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Dhillon sahab welcome,

Just to make it more clear, It is my view, you are not forced/coerced to agree with me at anything.

take whatever you want and leave the rest...


question is pretty straight forward.



very well written at first. no problem at all, feels like one from 7 or more bands.
glimpse (environment and economy) is very promising.


wow, ecstatic. I can't praise it enough.
vocab, sentence structure, logical progression, almost everything is 7 or more



I wish, I could write like this. do you need to listen anything else ?

almost perfect.



wow again, you nailed it.

I think you can see the type of rare words and vocab related to the topic you have used here, I don't feel the need the mention them again.

your presentation, reasoning, logic, is excellent.

overall it feels like 8 or more band essay, yup it is. well the actual marking is flawed so can't say about the actual examiner.

I can't thank you enough for your evaluation. Yeah, I was worried about the points you mentioned as well, but I thought it will increase my CC scores because of some connections to previous statements.

I'll take care of what you've said and will clearly mention the points in the starting BPs as well.

Thank you once again. You've boosted my confidence

And I agree with your concern about actual marking faults.. They gave me 6.5 for last 4 attempts in writing. I also went for revaluation but didn't gain anything.