IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[pierrekiprov]

Hi All,

Could you please evaluate my essay?

Some people say that in all levels of education, from primary school to universities, too much time spent on learning facts and not enough on learning practical skills. Agree or disagree?

It is thought by some that educational institutions spend more time teaching students in theory and facts rather than focusing on practical skills. To some extend I agree, but there are several details that must be clarified.

First of all, preliminary experience is essential for every student. Without the basic knowledge and skills of reading and writing there will be no further success. Moreover, higher education is important, students are provided with many advises and guidance by their teachers. Also, focusing on more complex matter gives them insight to what they want to specialize in. For instance, a mechanical engineer in design and modelling cannot qualify for any relevant job of this kind without having the basic concept and knowledge of all required subjects needed for that field. So, comprehending the duties is based on the knowledge taken from education. Secondly, students are taught primary in theory in order to enhance their analytical and logical thinking. Their evaluation mostly depends on certain academic tasks and constant discussions during class.

However, there are also certain downsides which should be changed. Besides focusing mainly in theory , universities and schools should also focus their teaching in practice. Some institutions have these options,but unfortunately, many other do not. It is not deniable that most students graduate without any practical skills. This is why the educational system in these institutions should provide internship programs prior to the students' graduation. This will build their confidence and expand their opportunities for potential employment.

In conclusion, I think that learning facts and theory is important to gain knowledge, however, obtaining practical skills is also. Without the combination of both, many educated people will feel insecure in terms of finding a job relevant to their major. This is why learning of subjects should be controlled by teachers and tutors in order to avoid students learning excessive amounts of useless materials.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

A few hours are left for my ielts exam. I will be grateful and thankful to anyone who can review my essay and guide me to improve. I request the members of this forum to analyse it and help me.

you better read this entire thread carefully

well, I am also gona take the 9 Sept. test.

Rising universities fees, scarce employment prospects for graduates have led some people to say that universities should not teach arts subjects like history and philosophy, and only offer practical degree courses that maximise chances of employment.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Let us understand the question first.

universities fees are rising
because students can't pay those fees
therefore
affecting employment prospects
now some say stop teaching subjects like history and philosophy and teach only practical degree courses
what that will do ?
that will maximize chances of employment.


Now tell me what do you think about the whole shitt, or to what extent do you agree or disagree? with the statement above.

pretty much clear, right ?

Cut throat [made me little afraid, but lol ] competition,expensive higher education and depleting job opportunities have led some people to suggest that universities should prioritise practical education over humanities and art courses.
[nice to the point, with vocab ]
To some extent I agree with this notion as technical education creates more jobs and contributes more to the economy but intellectual freedom will be marred if subjects like arts, history and culture are no longer an integral [wrong word choice] part of our post secondary education system.

you know the word tertiary right ?, could have used it here, instead of "post secondary education system"

beside one serious mistake, every else is fine,

Students with technical knowledge and practical training mostly outperform ["outperform" how ?? in bed ? in running ? weightlifting ?] those with humanities background.

It is because of the hands on experience that these graduates are in high demand in corporate sector.
[wtf ? you wrote this line, are getting any sense from it ? ]

For instance, the abundance of career opportunities coupled with the rising interest of youngsters in technical education has increased the number of universities offering vocational and practical degree courses exponentially.
[okay]

Moreover, young corporates with technical background also help the economy of the country by attracting multinational companies to set up corporate hubs in different parts of the nation.
[okay]

okay, I understand the benefits of technical education, but, what about our question ?

Let me rewrite it for your, so that you can understand how to construct a paragraph for a agree/disagree essay.

general statement
Students equipped with technical and practical knowledge likely to have more options available to them after their graduation.
an explanation or reason to above
As we are currently living in a age of technology, the things or products we use on daily basis are somehow related to one or another field of engineering; thus, these skills are high in demand.
now an example
A job survey of year 2017 ,for instance, revealed that nearly 70% of new jobs were created in fields that required practical knowledge which can be applied immediately after getting the job.
now our conclusion which can support our view point which is yes drop the arts shitt.
Therefore, it is only logical for the universities to encourage more courses with practical training.
or a fancy one
Therefore, it is not only logical for universities to encourage more courses with practical training but it is also beneficial for students as they would be ready for job market.

is it illuminating by any chance ?, this how your paragraph should look like
every line has some content, linked to main topic, logical progression etc etc, yea its bit low on vocab.

Although practical education equips a graduate with a technical edge, humanities stream [wrong word choice ]offering subjects like art,culture,philosophy, and many more inculcates the ability to analyse and express in a young professionals.
[ability to analyse and express -> but what ?? ]
[in a young professionals. -> in a plurals ?]


It is the reason that arts graduates are good at working independently because they possess great logical and analytical reasoning skills.

For example, a majority of humanities students qualify for government and public sector exams.

Another reason for universities to endorse non technical education is that there is an increasing demand of non technical graduates in corporate offices because of their communication and management skills.

okay, but not satisfied if you ask me. its little dull.

To sum up, it is imperative for universities to offer practical degrees as it is the need of the hour. But arts subjects teach students to innovate,improvise and implement. Thus, I believe that practical learning and vocational training should be encouraged in the higher education system but art and humanities should not be neglected.

its also fine, but not that spicy.

stop writing in hurry, and proofread your work.


now can it fetch 7, sorry I don't think so, because a 7 band is clear in logical progression, its more easy to read, comprehend, never confusing at all.

if its confusing its not band 7, I used to write in a cryptic way, that shit has costed me alot.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi All,

Could you please evaluate my essay?

Some people say that in all levels of education, from primary school to universities, too much time spent on learning facts and not enough on learning practical skills. Agree or disagree?

It is thought by some that educational institutions spend more time teaching students in theory and facts rather than focusing on practical skills. To some extend I agree, but there are several details that must be clarified.

hmm okay, straight forward.

First of all, preliminary experience is essential for every student. Without the basic knowledge and skills of reading and writing there will be no further success. Moreover, higher education is important, students are provided with many advises and guidance by their teachers. Also, focusing on more complex matter gives them insight to what they want to specialize in. For instance, a mechanical engineer in design and modelling cannot qualify for any relevant job of this kind without having the basic concept and knowledge of all required subjects needed for that field. So, comprehending the duties is based on the knowledge taken from education. Secondly, students are taught primary in theory in order to enhance their analytical and logical thinking. Their evaluation mostly depends on certain academic tasks and constant discussions during class.

question is learning facts vs practical skills
what are you supporting in this paragraph ??

most of this is out of context, I would say ramblings of your own mind, nothing else, my first essays were exactly looked liked this, and I went for the exam, they awarded me 6.5

However, there are also certain downsides which should be changed. Besides focusing mainly in theory , universities and schools should also focus their teaching in practice. Some institutions have these options,but unfortunately, many other do not. It is not deniable that most students graduate without any practical skills. This is why the educational system in these institutions should provide internship programs prior to the students' graduation. This will build their confidence and expand their opportunities for potential employment.

again same, no major link to topic.

In conclusion, I think that learning facts and theory is important to gain knowledge, however, obtaining practical skills is also. Without the combination of both, many educated people will feel insecure in terms of finding a job relevant to their major. This is why learning of subjects should be controlled by teachers and tutors in order to avoid students learning excessive amounts of useless materials.

this is totally linked to the topic, but its too late.

I would say, start reading this thread from first post. then come back later. everyone else is making same mistake as yours, you are not alone.

we are here to ripppppp essays apart.

 

[Arjun11]

Wow!! So precise and crisp. Thank you so much. I will spend a few more hours working on the things you mentioned.
All the best, and I am sure you will nail it of course .

 

[Immortal111088]

Hello hopeandfaith, cansha and puneet. After the last post I worked a bit on my essay as you all suggested. I request you to please go through my new essay and kindly provide me some feedback as your guidance can help me improve.

Most people accept that we now live in a globalised world but not everyone agrees that it is beneficial. To what extent is globalisation a positive or negative development?

Globalisation is increased interconnectedness and interdependence of people and countries. While many acknowledge the advantage of living in a globalised world, some disapprove it. Globalisation has both pros and cons which shall be discussed below.

First and foremost, globalisation promotes free and fair trade which thus leads to global economic growth. It is because of elimination of trade and tariff barriers that jobs are created, prices of goods are reduced and taxes are lowered which benefit consumers.Moreover there is a competitiveness amongst global companies as their products are available universally. For instance, we can access the products of global companies at a local market like an apple iphone or a Harley Davidson motorcycle.Secondly, globalisation is a boon for developing nations as it helps them to progress by sharing technologies and infusing capital in their markets in the form of Foreign Direct Investment which thus creates employment,reduces poverty and causes socio-economic upliftment of the masses.

On the other hand, anti globalists claim that multi national corporations are acquiring hegemonic status. It is said that these big companies have started to influence political decisions of the countries along with the commercial ones. For example, developed countries may sometimes use corporate funding to run their government and to introduce new schemes. Another negative impact of globalisation is the exploitation of labour and environment. People are made to work in inhuman conditions at low wages without proper safety standards to produce goods at cheap rate. This leads to child labour and human trafficking. Also the pollution caused by industries causes harm to our ecosystem.

In a nutshell it can be said that globalisation has benefited us by creating open global markets and encouraging economic growth. But it also has some negative effects like labour exploitation and capitalist culture which should be addressed sooner than later.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hello hopeandfaith, cansha and puneet. After the last post I worked a bit on my essay as you all suggested. I request you to please go through my new essay and kindly provide me some feedback as your guidance can help me improve.

Most people accept that we now live in a globalised world but not everyone agrees that it is beneficial. To what extent is globalisation a positive or negative development?

Globalisation is has increased interconnectedness and interdependence of people and countries. While many acknowledge the advantage of living in a globalised world, some disapprove it. Globalisation has both pros and cons which shall be discussed below [don't write this, instead write -> "need careful consideration "].

First and foremost [don't write this], globalisation promotes free [free ??] and fair trade which thus leads to global economic growth. It is because of elimination of trade and tariff barriers that jobs are created, prices of goods are reduced and taxes are lowered which benefit consumers.Moreover there is a competitiveness amongst global companies as their products are available universally. For instance, we can access the products of global companies at a local market like an apple iphone or a Harley Davidson motorcycle.Secondly, globalisation is a boon for developing nations as it helps them to progress by sharing technologies and infusing capital in their markets in the form of Foreign Direct Investment which thus creates employment,reduces poverty and causes socio-economic upliftment of the masses.

is this positive or negative ? please state clearly.

On the other hand, anti globalists claim that multi national corporations are acquiring hegemonic status. It is said that these big companies have started to influence political decisions of the countries along with the commercial ones. For example, developed countries may sometimes use corporate funding to run their government and to introduce new schemes. Another negative impact of globalisation is the exploitation of labour and environment. People are made to work in inhuman conditions at low wages without proper safety standards to produce goods at cheap rate. This leads to child labour and human trafficking. Also the pollution caused by industries causes harm to our ecosystem.

In a nutshell it can be said that globalisation has benefited us by creating open global markets and encouraging economic growth. But it also has some negative effects like labour exploitation and capitalist culture which should be addressed sooner than later.

There is lots of vocab but you failed to answer this question , CLEARLY

To what extent is globalisation a positive or negative development?

6.5 for sure, if luck shines then 7

 

[cansha]

Hello hopeandfaith, cansha and puneet. After the last post I worked a bit on my essay as you all suggested. I request you to please go through my new essay and kindly provide me some feedback as your guidance can help me improve.

Most people accept that we now live in a globalised world but not everyone agrees that it is beneficial. To what extent is globalisation a positive or negative development?

Globalisation is increased interconnectedness and interdependence of people and countries. While many acknowledge the advantage of living in a globalised world, some disapprove it. Globalisation has both pros and cons which shall be discussed below.

First and foremost, globalisation promotes free and fair trade which thus leads to global economic growth. It is because of elimination of trade and tariff barriers that jobs are created, prices of goods are reduced and taxes are lowered which benefit consumers.Moreover there is a competitiveness amongst global companies as their products are available universally. For instance, we can access the products of global companies at a local market like an apple iphone or a Harley Davidson motorcycle.Secondly, globalisation is a boon for developing nations as it helps them to progress by sharing technologies and infusing capital in their markets in the form of Foreign Direct Investment which thus creates employment,reduces poverty and causes socio-economic upliftment of the masses.

On the other hand, anti globalists claim that multi national corporations are acquiring hegemonic status. It is said that these big companies have started to influence political decisions of the countries along with the commercial ones. For example, developed countries may sometimes use corporate funding to run their government and to introduce new schemes. Another negative impact of globalisation is the exploitation of labour and environment. People are made to work in inhuman conditions at low wages without proper safety standards to produce goods at cheap rate. This leads to child labour and human trafficking. Also the pollution caused by industries causes harm to our ecosystem.

In a nutshell it can be said that globalisation has benefited us by creating open global markets and encouraging economic growth. But it also has some negative effects like labour exploitation and capitalist culture which should be addressed sooner than later.

Completely agree with @H0peAndFa1th 's review. I think in terms of vocab and English the essay is pretty decent but it doesn't really give clear view or answer as per the question. There are a few minor things that you can do to change that.

So let's review your structure of the essay
Question is Globalization is positive or negative

Intro para: You explained what is globalization which shows your comprehension of the topic and then you say you will discuss how it is positive / negative

Second para: You show positive sides

Third para: You show negative sides

Last para : You conclude.

Now let's come to second para: Your first line is globalization promotes trade. Now you assume since it promotes trade it means it has a positive impact which is okay but why leave anything to chance for IELTS examiner. You can simply combine ideas of sentence 1 and 2 and clearly say it is a positive. For example something like below.

Globalization has impacted world trade in a positive way by eliminating trade and tariff barriers which has given impetus to global economic growth, job creation and better choices for consumers.

Same thing for the next para. Just clearly say that companies becoming bigger in size is "negative" because then they are able to influence policy and political decisions.

Also personally I don't like sentences like "On the other hand, anti globalists claim that ...." The question is not asking what anti globalization people claim. It is simply asking what do you think is a positive or negative impact of globalization,

You have good ideas but you need to make sure you're clearly articulating your ideas.

 

[Immortal111088]

Thank you hopeandfaith and cansha for pointing out the mistakes. I guess I am near but yet so far. I will keep on trying and your help will help me achieve 7.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Thanks for the feedback . I m now in the confusion of what to write exactly. Though i am able to form ideas,I really don't know now after attempting 7 times what to write and how to write.

I have read all the posts, do's and don'ts ...but while writing everything goes in vain.

OMG You have taken for 7 times the test, really? This scares me deeply. I've been preparing for the test more than 6 months now, and at first, your essay seemed to me quite good, some grammar mistakes, yes, but as to cohesion and coherence looked precise and clear compared to mine, but after the review of our smart friend, I disturbing feeling touched me down. Last time, I hit 6.0 in writing and, honestly this section overwhelm enormously. Same like you, I've spent hours on end reading, taking notes, memorizing all the rules, tips, tricks, shortcuts, etc., to nail this section, but with negative results.. So the one million question is: why did we do in the past to deserve this punishment? (I'm joking).. My test is on October 13.. God helps me!

 

[cansha]

OMG You have taken for 7 times the test, really? This scares me deeply. I've been preparing for the test more than 6 months now, and at first, your essay seemed to me quite good, some grammar mistakes, yes, but as to cohesion and coherence looked precise and clear compared to mine, but after the review of our smart friend, I disturbing feeling touched me down. Last time, I hit 6.0 in writing and, honestly this section overwhelm enormously. Same like you, I've spent hours on end reading, taking notes, memorizing all the rules, tips, tricks, shortcuts, etc., to nail this section, but with negative results.. So the one million question is: why did we do in the past to deserve this punishment? (I'm joking).. My test is on October 13.. God helps me!

Don’t be disheartened by reviews here. One they are brutal just to help you or others more. Second writing a review is relatively easy as the ideas are already there and you can see how to arrange them better. I think the same thing can help everyone is making sure to save sometime for self review at the end. Read your essay critically and see if you can change a few things for better idea flow and coherence.
If you look at evaluating criteria for ielts writing the four areas are task response , coherence and cohesion , lexical respurfe or vocab and finally grammatical range.

I think in terms of lexical resource most of the essay I have seen here are pretty decent. So that is one area most of people here are not lacking.

Grammatical range.. there are a few very common errors which can be avoided but its nit that bad either

I think the major issues we have seen is with task response and coherence. And I think both are inter related. If you write a good essay it will automatically be coherent and cohesive. Its very difficult to write a essay which is great at task response but really bad at coherence.

I think task response is bad because people are not really understanding the question. Like using the structure for opinion essay when the question is really asking for discuss both sides etc.

Plus I think a good task response gives a sense to anyone reading the essay is that essay is good in all respects.

I think i have said this many times before but I’ll say it again do spend sometime again to understand different essay types and how responses for those need to be structured.

 

[pierrekiprov]

Alright, so far I have read most of your comments and decided to write down another essay topic.

Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good, while others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Some multinational companies sponsor major sports event in order to advertise their products. Some people have positive opinion about this, while others think there are disadvantages to this. In my opinion, providing sponsorship is advantageous for both the companies and the sports, however, there may be drawback results also.

When multinational firms sponsor big events like sports, both the parties technically benefit. On the one hand, many talented young people get motivated and decide to pursue a career in sports. Their attention gets drawn not only by all the merchandising provided by the sponsors but also by all positive results from playing sports such as fame, wealth and good health. On the other hand, companies enhance their publicity by placing their adverts, thus making them more popular and giving them profit. Many organisations like Nike, Pepsi and Adidas have become popular because of their support and funding to big sporting events.

However, despite the fact all the benefits, there are certain downsides also. Those ads can easily deflect the attention of the spectators during a sporting event. In addition, individuals get distracted by the promoted products which dampens their sports spirits. Furthermore, there are many individuals who go to live events in order to consume free products promoted by those sponsor instead of supporting their favorite sports teams.

In conclusion, I think that despite the fact that the viewers' attention may get drawn from live sports because of the advertisements, big sports competitions are promoted thanks to the major organisations and firms. So, it is good that those event are supported and sponsored by these companies.

 

[nabzz]

Hi everyone particularly Cansha,

can you please review my below essay and give your feedback. thank you in advance.

Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks.

Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages?


Undoubtedly, with the advancement in technology social interaction and networking via the internet has become a norm. Some people believe sharing information on social networking sites has great benefits, others argue that it possesses a risk on individuals and their families. I believe social media provides the platform to get acquaintance with the outside world and its negative consequences can be minimized when used carefully.

First of all, social media has greatly helped in connecting people from all around the world which has increased the understanding and tolerance among the nations. It is with the help of different websites which provide a common platform for people with different background to connect based on their similar interests. This not only has helped in getting familiar with other cultures and traditions but also has caused understanding and tolerance among people of different religion and nations.

On the other hand, social media can become a curse when people start to use it for their illegal activities. It can become an easy medium for a criminal minded person or a psychopath to hide their identity and stalk on innocent people for their advantages. A serial killer “Micheal Robort” from France is a good example. He claims to use Facebook to spy on his victims using his fake identity and he has trapped many people because of their blind trust.

In conclusion, when social networking sites are utilized by ill minded people for their benefits it can cause real harm to innocent people but if these sites are used wisely and carefully they become a great source for knowing other nations and their culture which can consequently make the world much peaceful place to live.

 

[cansha]

Alright, so far I have read most of your comments and decided to write down another essay topic.

Some companies sponsor sports as a way to advertise themselves. Some people think it is good, while others think there are disadvantages to this. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Some multinational companies sponsor major sports event in order to advertise their products. Some people have positive opinion about this, while others think there are disadvantages to this. In my opinion, providing sponsorship is advantageous for both the companies and the sports, however, there may be a few drawbacks results also.

So the introduction for me is neither really good nor very bad. But it's just about okay. It doesn't give any new info /preview of the essay and in general anything additional. The second line is almost from the essay topic with only change of changing "good" to "positive opinion".

For the last line my suggestion would be when you are trying to show you think something has more advantages even though there are some drawbacks just change the order of the sentence. so rather than saying

there are advantages but there may be some drawbacks ... say
Although there are drawbacks, in my opinion it has more advantages.

English wise nothing wrong in the way you have written it.

When multinational firms sponsor big events like sports, both the parties technically benefit. Bad phrasing. Why qualify the benefits. It sounds like there are no real benefits. A weak first line.

On the one hand, many talented young people get motivated and decide to pursue a career in sports. But Why?

Their attention gets drawn not only by all the merchandising provided by the sponsors but also by all positive results from playing sports such as fame, wealth and good health. If this is your explanation for why above it is very weak.

On the other hand, companies enhance their publicity by placing their adverts, thus making them more popular and giving them profit. Now this is probably not the way one should use the on one hand ... on other hand. Generally you use when you are presenting two contrasting ideas. Here your both ideas are complimentary and positive.

Many organisations like Nike, Pepsi and Adidas have become popular because of their support and funding to big sporting events. How?

Again nothing really wrong in English or Vocab. But the task response not so great.

However, despite the fact all the benefits, there are certain downsides also. Why waste the first line of the para why not come straight to point.

Those ads can easily deflect the attention of the spectators during a sporting event. How?

In addition, individuals get distracted by the promoted products which dampens their sports spirits. Now don't you think you are contradicting your own argument from first para. You made the argument people come to watch sports for the merchandise. Now you are saying they get distracted.

Furthermore, there are many individuals who go to live events in order to consume free products promoted by those sponsor instead of supporting their favorite sports teams. Again the same thing. Why this is bad? Didn't you argue in first para that if they come for merchandise it is good.

Please self review your essays once you have written it. And see if you think you are not using the same argument both ways.

In conclusion, I think that despite the fact that the viewers' attention may get drawn from live sports because of the advertisements, big sports competitions are promoted thanks to the major organisations and firms. So, it is good that those event are supported and sponsored by these companies.

Positive is that overall there are no major grammatical or English errors. I think in terms of lexical resources and grammatical range you are good. The task response may pull down your score on this one.

 

[cansha]

Hi everyone particularly Cansha,

can you please review my below essay and give your feedback. thank you in advance.

Social media is becoming increasingly popular amongst all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media websites does have risks.

Do you think that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages?

Undoubtedly, with the advancement in technology, social interaction and networking via the internet has become a norm. Some people believe sharing information on social networking sites has great benefits, others argue that it possesses a risk on for individuals and their families. I believe social media provides the platform to get acquaintance with the outside world (Do you think you have made this clear that making acquaintance with outside world is a positive thing? In your mind it is a positive thing. But is it clear? ) and its negative consequences can be minimized when used carefully.

Intro is okay.

First of all, (Please please please stop using this. Use a simple Firstly, instead) social media has greatly helped in connecting people from all around the world which has increased the understanding and tolerance among the nations. Great first line by the way!! I like it. Good argument in the very first line.
It is with the help of different websites which provide a common platform for people with different background to connect based on their similar interests.
This not only has helped in getting familiar with other cultures and traditions but also has caused understanding and tolerance among people of different religion and nations.

Very decent paragraph. Good one! BUT with a caveat ... you're still not directly tackling the personal information part of the question. You can still save the day if you do well in the next para.

Small grammatical correction on your not only .... but also construct. Bring the has before not only. That way you don't have to state it twice.

So This has helped not only in getting ........ but also in increasing understanding..

I don't know how strict IELTS is with grammar marking. The sentence didn't "sound" bad in reading it but it is not probably correct. But overall a good para.

On the other hand, social media can become a curse when people start to use it for their illegal activities. It can become an easy medium for a criminal minded person or a psychopath to hide their identity and stalk on innocent people for their advantages.

Now this is where a very good essay returned to the oaky essay zone. Look at the topic again. Is sharing personal information on Internet bad? I know in your mind you are addressing that but not really in words here. WHY? Your start was so good!
If only you made slight adjustments to your first two lines it could very well be on topic. Just say something like.

Sharing personal information on Internet means that anyone can have access to the information and someone with criminal mindset can use the information for illegal activities.

See same thing as you are saying but related to essay topic as well.

A serial killer “Micheal Robort” from France is a good example. He claims to use Facebook to spy on his victims using his fake identity and he has trapped many people because of their blind trust.

Sorry to say but the second para is just not on point. It is wandering. A good idea NEEDS to be STATED CLEARLY and LINKED BACK TO THE TOPIC CLEARLY. (Capitals not for shouting but for reinforcing!!)

In conclusion, when social networking sites are utilized by ill minded people for their benefits it can cause real harm to innocent people but if these sites are used wisely and carefully they become a great source for knowing other nations and their culture which can consequently make the world much peaceful place to live.

See again in conclusion you have put the blame on ill minded people which is not the topic. If the topic was do you think psychopaths on Internet can cause harm to society ... then yes may be. But not for this topic.

Overall ... your English and Vocab is on point. And till first para your task response and coherence was good too. After that it went downhill my friend. Good news is I think you are very much on right track. Just review your essays and see if you are linking back to the topic or not.

Wish you all the best!

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

I'll be more than happy if some of you spend your valuable time to comment my essay .. A bunch of thanks.


Prompt
Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world.

Discuss the effects lack of experience with and understand of nature can have on children as they grow up. Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from you own knowledge or experience.

Essay:
Due to the numberless of indoor activities available nowadays, children lose the opportunity to get familiar with the nature world. As direct consequences, children don't gain enough knowledge about how to respect and protect the environment, how to take care of wildlife to prevent their extinction, and, on top of that, children inevitably assume a sedentary lifestyle.

There is no doubt that to be a supportive, respectful and committed adult with the environment, children must receive environmental education throughout primary school. Being an illiterate person, in terms of nature and environment, irremediably entail to commit crime against the mother nature. For instance, throw garbage into the sea, make uncontrolled bonfire would be assume as normal behaviors rather than environment threats.

Wild life and animals would potencially be in risk with uneducated people in natural world. As adults, children would be indolent, emotionless toward illegal hunting, trade in endangered species and animal testing. For instance, a recently report, issued by Wildlife Institutions of Spain, shows that the wildcat population in Spain has decreased dramatically by 45% over the last five years, and also indicates the illegal and furtive hunting as primary causes of this unusual situation.

Watching TV or playing Video are indoor activities that don't requiere great physical effort at all. Children with few or nothing outside activities, like running, hiking or footing, are highly prone to be overweight, developing a sedentary lifestyle which can continue on in their adult life.

To conclude, children with minimum theorical and empirical knowledge of the natural world would represent a threat for the environment and wildlife once the reach the adulthood, and they are hihgly likely to be obese due to the lack of physical activities.