IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Jimmy_McGill]

I don't want to take advantage of your good will, but I take the risk to get that interpretation... Here you have a other one.

Please, I wait your incredible feedback.. Regards! THANKS

PROMPT
In some places, workers are required to retire at a specific age. In others, workers can retire when they choose.
In your opinion, should there be a mandatory retirement age for all workers.

ESSAY:

Retirement can be mandatory at a fixed age, or may be freely chosen by the employee. I firmly believe that there must be a statutory retirement age. Older people have to make room for younger people in the workplace, they inevitably lose abilities and skills as they age, which will invariably affect the business productivity .

Ideally, employees upon reaching 65 years of age should be set aside to make space to younger and/or freshly graduated people. If they just stay working, there would be quite few spots left for those who are looking their first job or the golden opportunity to keep growing professionally and personally. Older workers have simply used the ticket or, to put it bluntly, their useful lifetime has expired.

Moreover, it is a proven fact that certain abilities, for instance mental agility, concentration, and technology prowess, begin a fast and steady decline as people turn 50. On top of that, aging brings a numberless of health problems, which make workers unable to work during long hours, lift heavy weight, even performace small taks such as the use of a computer. And, as a direct result, the company's productivity would be adversaly affected, which in turn would decrease its profits and increase its expenses.

To conclude, retirement age should be established by law and enforced by the courts. People at 65 years old should obligatory retire, thus opening the labour market to younger people who seek for their first job and thereby gaining knowledge and experiences.

 

[cansha]

I'll be more than happy if some of you spend your valuable time to comment my essay .. A bunch of thanks.


Prompt
Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world.

Discuss the effects lack of experience with and understand of nature can have on children as they grow up. Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from you own knowledge or experience.

Ok so I think this topic is a little bit difficult. I didn't get many thoughts when I read it.

Essay:
Due to the numberless (what is numberless?????? may be you're looking for innumerable or a simple word countless) of indoor activities available nowadays, children lose the opportunity to get familiar with the nature (natural) world. Either just say nature or say natural world. Overall decent opening but do not commit a grammatical and vocab error in the very first line. if you're not sure about a word may be just use a simpler word.
As direct consequences, (either say as a direct consequence or more simple just say consequently) children don't (Ok say with me I WILL NEVER USE CONTRACTION IN MY ESSAY AGAIN) gain enough knowledge about how to respect and protect the environment, how to take care of wildlife to prevent their extinction, and, on top of that, children inevitably assume a sedentary lifestyle.

Very decent opening paragraph. Avoidable grammatical errors. But they are not major. I like the last line a lot. Gives a clear structure of the essay to follow. I think the wildlife argument is a bit of stretch. The other two make sense to me.

There is no doubt that to be a supportive, respectful and committed adult with the environment, children must receive environmental education throughout primary school.
Why is there no doubt? Is it written in some scripture? Was it told by some scientist? I don't like such sentences. If you are making an argument, make the argument and give a supporting statement. Just saying there is no doubt doesn't make a argument strong.
Being an illiterate (too strong a word may be use inexperienced) person, in terms of nature and environment, irremediably entail to commit crime against the mother nature.

For instance, throwing garbage into the sea, make uncontrolled bonfire would be assumed as normal behaviors rather than environment threats.

Ok honestly as I said I found the topic tough. Based on that this is a pretty decent attempt but you could have made it a lot better by taking care of few things. Idea is really good but the progression of the idea is not really great.

Wild life and animals would potencially be in risk with uneducated people in natural world. As adults, children would be indolent, emotionless toward illegal hunting, trade in endangered species and animal testing. For instance, a recently report, issued by Wildlife Institutions of Spain, shows that the wildcat population in Spain has decreased dramatically by 45% over the last five years, and also indicates the illegal and furtive hunting as primary causes of this unusual situation.

It is fine. I find the argument to be stretch but besides a few grammatical errors it is largely fine.

Watching TV or playing Video are indoor activities that don't requiere great physical effort at all. Children with few or nothing outside activities, like running, hiking or footing, are highly prone to be overweight, developing a sedentary lifestyle which can continue on in their adult life.

OKay

To conclude, children with minimum theorical and empirical knowledge of the natural world would represent a threat for the environment and wildlife once the reach the adulthood, and they are hihgly likely to be obese due to the lack of physical activities.

Okay I get it ... your argument was if children have not spent time in nature they may not be good enough to save wildlife. But does that make them a threat once they become adults? Wow!! Where have you gone in your conclusion?

 

[pierrekiprov]

So the introduction for me is neither really good nor very bad. But it's just about okay. It doesn't give any new info /preview of the essay and in general anything additional. The second line is almost from the essay topic with only change of changing "good" to "positive opinion".

For the last line my suggestion would be when you are trying to show you think something has more advantages even though there are some drawbacks just change the order of the sentence. so rather than saying

there are advantages but there may be some drawbacks ... say
Although there are drawbacks, in my opinion it has more advantages.

English wise nothing wrong in the way you have written it.


Again nothing really wrong in English or Vocab. But the task response not so great.




Please self review your essays once you have written it. And see if you think you are not using the same argument both ways.



Positive is that overall there are no major grammatical or English errors. I think in terms of lexical resources and grammatical range you are good. The task response may pull down your score on this one.

Thank you for the feedback. Just out of curiosity though, is the strong opinion really mandatory? After all, this is an english exam, not cultural.

 

[cansha]

Thank you for the feedback. Just out of curiosity though, is the strong opinion really mandatory? After all, this is an english exam, not cultural.

I'm confused by the question. Where have I asked to have strong opinion?

 

[pierrekiprov]

I'm confused by the question. Where have I asked to have strong opinion?

By strong opinion I meant strong arguments. Firstly, lets say that everyone has an opinion about something, but to some it is weak. Does this really affect the final score?

 

[cansha]

By strong opinion I meant strong arguments. Firstly, lets say that everyone has an opinion about something, but to some it is weak. Does this really affect the final score?

It doesn’t matter as such but you still need to have an argument and expand upon it and support it.

 

[pierrekiprov]

It doesn’t matter as such but you still need to have an argument and expand upon it and support it.

Got it, will totally work on that part. The problem that I'm facing though is with brainstorming ideas, Although it takes some practice to process that skill, I'm sure many people face the same problems with it.

 

[cansha]

Got it, will totally work on that part. The problem that I'm facing though is with brainstorming ideas, Although it takes some practice to process that skill, I'm sure many people face the same problems with it.

That is okay. People may have their own approach for preparation for essay. I can share mine.

First week or so I just read about the essay task on what is really needed, essay types, types of questions etc.
Next few days I just spent reading essays from various websites just to see what kind of essays are considered good essays

When i actually started writing essays I didn't write full essays. First 2-3 days I would just pick a topic at random and just write ideas. And then organize those ideas. Never even wrote a paragraph ... just bullet points or key words ... this way I trained myself to get in to idea generation mode as soon as I got the idea.

Then I watched a few videos and got to know that IELTS expects us to paraphrase the topic in introduction. Next step was to just write one intro para with good paraphrasing and idea generation. Only after I got comfortable with idea generation and writing a good intro then I actually wrote a first full essay. It atleast helped me get over the initial inertia one feels after reading a essay topic. Worked for me! Sharing in case it helps you or anyone else.

 

[pierrekiprov]

Hi All,

Could you please evaluate my newest essay. Any feedback will be highly appreciated.

Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic?
What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?

Travel and tourism has given us the endless opportunities to explore the world. Today, many people are willing to visit inhabitable places where the environmental conditions are not pleasant. Traveling to such locations has both its advantages and disadvantages.

People mostly travel for the strong desire to experience the adrenaline rush brought by such areas. One of the biggest benefits of undertaking tough journeys is building up one's confidence and skills to survive unfriendly environments. Moreover, the success of completing an expedition like this, makes people more physically and mentally stronger in life. While many individuals are aware of the conditions and the risks in such areas, they are still willing to start and complete those adventures. People these days are always busy with family, work and other responsibilities, so similar journeys give them the chance to get occupied with something else rather than their chores.

Difficult journeys however, can be also extremely dangerous and life risking. Our travel plans can always turn not as planned. Many travelers have died while exploring environmentally hostile areas. For example, snowy mountains like Mount Everest had taken the lives of many people, many of which unfortunately died from avalanches formed in the peaks of those mountains or bad weather conditions. Although others may have survived similar environmental disasters, many of them have returned home seriously injured or even immobilized. This is why local authorities should hire more rescue groups to prevent tragedies in such locations.

To conclude, despite the fact the dangerous expeditions can cause serious negative results in terms of health, people are still willing to take those chances which result in their confidence and strength. By testing their abilities and facing the unknown, they gain strong beliefs that can conquer anything which stands their way, thus making them stronger in life.

 

[pravbang]

Hi Friends,
Can i kindly request you to review and provide feedback on this essay?

Thanks

Topic:
Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books but instead they should spend time to read educational books only. Upto what extent do you agree?

Time is a valuable commodity for all students and most parents feel that time is better utilised by reading educational books rather than comics and novels. In my opinion, reading, in any form, is a useful activity for children and I feel that students tend to gain better memory and command over language by combining educational study with entertainment reading.

Firstly, students should develop the habit of reading different forms of subjects. Learning, as we know, is dynamic and works well in a stress-free environment. In other words, students who relax and de-stress their mind by reading entertainment books demonstrate improved learning and retention of educational content. Based on several research studies, schools nowadays stock novels, magazines, and comics in library to encourage students to read different types of books.

Secondly, reading entertainment books exposes kids to different forms and styles of writing including vocabulary. This helps build language skills and creativity. Educational content is usually written in formal language while storybooks use informal language in different types of settings. Most lending libraries have teenage focussed books such as famous five, TinTin, Harry Potter and other collections. Such books help ignite their imagination and curiosity while entertaining them. It has been proven that individuals who read a lot during their school days tend to perform well in language tests. Thus, encouraging students to read such entertainment books helps them in developing their language as well as social skills and cultivate the nature of curiosity.

To conclude, reading in all forms should be encouraged for children since this is not only enjoyable and relaxes the mind but also helps build language skills, and improve memory retention and recall.

 

[cansha]

Hi Friends,
Can i kindly request you to review and provide feedback on this essay?

Thanks

Topic:
Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books but instead they should spend time to read educational books only. Upto what extent do you agree?

Time is a valuable commodity for all students and most parents feel that time is better utilised by reading educational books rather than comics (more formal word is comic books) and novels. In my opinion, reading, in any form, is a useful activity for children and I feel that students tend to gain better memory and command over language by combining educational study with entertainment reading.

I really liked the introduction. Very precise. Good paraphrasing, good outline of things to come. Very clear! And also very good and correct use of commas in a sentence. Well done!

Firstly, students should develop the habit of reading different forms of subjects. Learning, as we know, is dynamic and works well in a stress-free environment. In other words, students who relax and de-stress their mind by reading entertainment books demonstrate improved learning and retention of educational content. Based on several research studies, schools nowadays stock novels, magazines, and comics in library to encourage students to read different types of books.

Okay first things first. this is also a fine paragraph. No grammar errors etc. But the first line of para is out of place (for me) compared to the idea in rest of the para.

Secondly, reading entertainment books exposes kids to different forms and styles of writing including vocabulary. This helps build language skills and creativity. Educational content is usually written in formal language while storybooks use informal language in different types of settings. Most lending libraries have teenage focussed books such as famous five, TinTin, Harry Potter and other collections. Such books help ignite their imagination and curiosity while entertaining them. It has been proven that individuals who read a lot during their school days tend to perform well in language tests. Thus, encouraging students to read such entertainment books helps them in developing their language as well as social skills and cultivate the nature of curiosity.

Superbly done! Really good. I liked it a lot!

To conclude, reading in all forms should be encouraged for children since this is not only enjoyable and relaxes the mind but also helps build language skills, and improve memory retention and recall.

Overall, according to me this essay is one of the better ones I have seen here in this forum. It is very clear that you have strong command on grammar, your vocab is decent. No real issues in terms of coherence and cohesion either. I'll be honest I don't see any reason why this essay wouldn't get a 7+ score.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please, if you have time, check my new Essay and let me identify my weak points.

Prompt:

In some school systems, children start learning at least one foreign language in primary school. In other school systems, foreign language education begins in secondary school.

In your opinion, should children learn foreign languages in schools, and if so, at what age should they begin?

Essay:

Early foreign language education is promoted by certain educational systems, while others advocate the idea of initiating it once children reach high school. I firmly believe that they should begin this learning path at a very early age. Young children are at ideal stage of development to learn new languages, they are curious and keen to explore new things with all their sense.

Childhood, as proven recently by the Neuroscience Institute of Spain, is the best and optimum life stage to learn foreign languages. Children’s brain between three and six years old, is in the highest point of developing and expanding, which guarantees that any input information would be processed, categorized and stored successfully by the brain. It is for this reason that nowadays there is a strong and fierce campaign, in Europe, to teach foreign languages among pre-school students.

Curiosity and the desire to explore are main behavioral traits of children. At the pre-school stage, children’s intellectual curiosity can be boosted not only by learning numbers, or drawing pictures, but also by learning, apart from their own tongue, foreign languages. Moreover, children unstoppable desire of discovering new things, undoubtedly help them to retain and absorb new information and material easily, while they are having fun with games and creativity activities.

To conclude, although learning foreign languages can be done at any age, there is no better time to do so that during the first stage of child’s education, since their wild desire to discover and explore their new world enable the learning process.


Word Count = 254

 

[nabzz]

Intro is okay.




Very decent paragraph. Good one! BUT with a caveat ... you're still not directly tackling the personal information part of the question. You can still save the day if you do well in the next para.

Small grammatical correction on your not only .... but also construct. Bring the has before not only. That way you don't have to state it twice.

So This has helped not only in getting ........ but also in increasing understanding..

I don't know how strict IELTS is with grammar marking. The sentence didn't "sound" bad in reading it but it is not probably correct. But overall a good para.



Sorry to say but the second para is just not on point. It is wandering. A good idea NEEDS to be STATED CLEARLY and LINKED BACK TO THE TOPIC CLEARLY. (Capitals not for shouting but for reinforcing!!)


See again in conclusion you have put the blame on ill minded people which is not the topic. If the topic was do you think psychopaths on Internet can cause harm to society ... then yes may be. But not for this topic.

Overall ... your English and Vocab is on point. And till first para your task response and coherence was good too. After that it went downhill my friend. Good news is I think you are very much on right track. Just review your essays and see if you are linking back to the topic or not.

Wish you all the best!

Thank you Cansha,

While writing i really do not understand when i go off topic. Thanks for ur comments. They are valuable.

 

[nabzz]

[QUOTE="

Small grammatical correction on your not only .... but also construct. Bring the has before not only. That way you don't have to state it twice.

So This has helped not only in getting ........ but also in increasing understanding..

![/QUOTE]


Hi Cansha,

Can u please comment on below sentence using. not only. But also
Is it correct grammatically?

“When the children are working in a safe office environment, they not only learn better time managment but it also makes them more independent and confident”

 

[kcoolw]

Please evaluate this essay and suggest how can I get band 7 in writing.

Some people believe that kids should not be given homework everyday, while others believe they should be given homework everyday in order to be successful.
Discuss both the views and give your opinion



There is a difference of opinion in some people on whether or not students should be given homework daily. While some peope argue that making children do homework everyday will help them to score good grades, others, however, believe that this is not required. In my opinion, children should not be asked to do homework daily as it will leave them with no time to take part in other important activities.



On the one hand, some people think that giving daily assignments will help children get good marks. As with these assignments, children will get to revise the lessons they have learnt in the school. This will ensure that they are not over burden during their final exams.

In addition, when children are not given homework, most of them spend them time playing video games or doing unproductive work. Therefore, school must give them homework which will keep them occupied and not waste time.



On the other hand, we cannot deny the fact that children are already burdened enough in school. They spend most of their day in school working on their assignments. Giving them daily homework would mean there will be no time left with them for playing or taking up hobby classes such as painting, drawing or gymastic. Taking part in such activities leads to the holistic development of the children as it increases their confidence and also adds to their social characterstics. Moreover, this would give them the needed break and they will be more focused in the school next day.



To conclude, academic success is important for children and homework can help in achieving that; however, benefits of extra curricular activities cannot be sidelined as they

help in the overall personality development of the child. And with daily homework children will not get enough time to participate in these activities.