IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[H0peAndFa1th]

Kindly evaluate. Words:313
Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.

Which viewpoint do you agree with?

sorry missed this one.

there are 313 words in this text, please keep it to 260

lets us do it line by line.

Companies all over the world are spending big portion of their their budget on advertisements so as to increase sales and popularity among consumers.
wow, great intro line, contain some real meat, hit right on the point.

Many people are of the view that through advertisements we are being forced [we are lured] to buy things that we do not need Whereas others argue that life changing useful products are introduced to us through these advertisements.
watch your word choice. one word could change the meaning.
nice use of "whereas".

This essay will discuss both the viewpoints and outline my agreement.
I have problem with this line, other may feel perfectly fine with it, even examiners can approve it.
you need to be creative with it.
Tell the reader what you are going to write about both viewpoints. see other reviews, you can understand what I mean, give glimpse or pointer.

In this fast changing world people tend to get bored with their possessions and new products brought to them by advertisements only add fuel to the fire, which in turn motivate them to buy things.

For instance, mobile companies nowadays bring new features to their phones and it is the heavy advertisement that forces people especially young ones to buy them.

In addition to that, information is passed quickly through advertisements that make people aware about the new products, and so as to keep themselves updated with the latest trend they end up buying the products that they don’t actually need.

Apparels is the perfect example of this trend. Therefore advertisements are playing major role in increased habit of shopping among people.

4 sentences, good.

I just had my coffee, but still can't understand this paragraph, why ?
people bored = buy products
new features and adverts = people and young ones buy them
more information/ viral info/latest trends = more buying

question was :: Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need.
see the main keyword is "NEED"
did you addressed that ?? properly ?
no you did not. not stressed enough.
instead you gave reasons for buying, but "need" is not addressed anywhere.

and there many different ideas in this para, which is technically not accepted.
yes main idea is buying, but reasons are sub-ideas,

see
advertising == need == buying
first understand question, now find a thing people buy without much need, just because they saw the adverts
I would use clothes as an example.
People already have enough, but still buy just they saw an advert of new jacket/jeans etc
second would be cars,

but I will choose only one idea, shoes or clothes or cars, in one paragraph nothing else, I will elaborate it fully, like
general statement -
reason -
example, a survey, or research study, news article
conclusion - that my reason is supported by example, so my general statement is true.

On the other hand, there is no denying the fact that
[you need bands right ? then drop this kind of stuff, everybody is writing this]
write less say more,

Conversely, advertisements help us get to know about the products that turn out to be very useful for us and which we would not have known about otherwise. [this red one is just the same, NO MEAT ]

Health related products are prime example of this. [so you are expecting an Examiner to believe, without tell how? what kind of product ? how it helped or improved our lives. << which is main question]

Further, consumers can benefit financially from advertisements by knowing the best priced products as well as convenient places to shop for.
see this line has meat,
best priced = convenient places = benefit financially,
do something like this in every line.

Thus it is rightly said that the life of masses have been improved by advertisements.

2 ideas = bad for you, nothing explained well

solid example is missing. read all reviews in this thread.

In conclusion, advertisements have made both positive and negative impacts on human beings [believe me this is bad word choice, just say people]. In my opinion, negative impacts of advertisements are not that worrisome whereas advertisements have definitely been live changing experience for consumers as well as companies.

human beings is perfect, if you are comparing something in regard to other species.


Question was
1 :: advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need.
2 :: advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.
Which viewpoint do you agree with?

where is your answer in this essay ??

there is difference between agreement and opinion.
do you understand that ?

you can have opinion about anything, but not agreement.

please answer the question directly, like
I agree that advertisements have improved our lives/lifestyle.
Atleast once in your essay, in Intro or conclusion.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi @H0peAndFa1th, please advice me on my essay.

Appreciated.

Thank you so much,
Pritesh

405 words essay, are you crazy ???

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Do the advantages outweigh its disadvantages?

These days, it is important for youngsters to consider whether they should continue their education or take a gap year between secondary and university education. In many nations, they are often inspired by others to take a year break before attending the university and work or study in that time. In my opinion, this trend can bring more positive outcomes for adolescents compared to any drawbacks it might bring.

red = wrong word choice / bad language.
opinion is not asked, be neutral. see other reviews in this thread.

The first significant benefit of working for a year after finishing high school is that such practice can aid them to gain the valuable job experience. This is because they can easily learn various technical and social skills not only from their colleagues but also from their job tasks. As a result, when they return to pursue their tertiary education, they will not probably face difficulties in their subjects as they tend to have the substantial amount of knowledge related to their courses.

they would face less difficulties

good paragraph, one idea, explained.

Another obvious advantage of taking a gap year is that teenagers can broaden their horizons by travelling to numerous places in that break time. Since travelling provides the chances to meet different people, young individuals will be able to know about divergent cultures and their practices, including their clothing style, food preferences and languages. In short, travelling in a gap year can be advantageous for teenagers because it helps them to increase their knowledge about different aspects.

fine

Admittedly, one drawback is that some students may never come back to university for their higher studies. This is due to the fact that some of them tend to be more influenced by the small income that they are earning by working in a gap year. Consequently, such students might not get a professional job with a handsome salary package in their future, due to the insufficient education; however, it is only limited to some adolescents, who do not enjoy studying.

fine

Another minor problem is that it sometimes requires a huge amount of money to travel overseas. This is since almost all travellers have to spend their money on transportation, accommodation and food when they commute to various places. Therefore, this option can often prove expensive for some middle-class and poor students since they are also required to pay their fees for the tertiary education.

fine

To recapitulate, I believe that important skills and knowledge that youngsters learn when they work or travel for a year between high schools and university education clearly outweigh any drawbacks.

question was
Do the advantages outweigh its disadvantages?
your answer
In my opinion, this trend can bring about more positive outcomes for adolescents compared to any drawbacks it might bring.

and

I believe that important skills and knowledge that youngsters learn when they work or travel for a year between high schools and university education clearly outweigh any drawbacks.

you can have any opinion, and believe what ever you want, nobody cares

if you say , work or travel benefit more than drawbacks, then please present your essay in that way, not just create 4 paragraphs for both sides, its crazy. don't do it.

Learn what a "discursive essay writing" and "argumentative essay writing" is


https://www.google.com/search?q=discursive+essay
http://academicwriting.wikidot.com/what-is-an-essay
https://www.masterpapers.com/blog/essay-writing-tips/discursive-essay
https://www.essay.uk.com/guides/types-of-essay/discursive-essay.php
https://www.slideshare.net/romavazg/discursive-essay-29320894

 

[priteshgondalia]

405 words essay, are you crazy ???





red = wrong word choice / bad language.
opinion is not asked, be neutral. see other reviews in this thread.


they would face less difficulties

good paragraph, one idea, explained.


fine


fine

fine


question was
Do the advantages outweigh its disadvantages?
your answer
In my opinion, this trend can bring about more positive outcomes for adolescents compared to any drawbacks it might bring.

and

I believe that important skills and knowledge that youngsters learn when they work or travel for a year between high schools and university education clearly outweigh any drawbacks.

you can have any opinion, and believe what ever you want, nobody cares

if you say , work or travel benefit more than drawbacks, then please present your essay in that way, not just create 4 paragraphs for both sides, its crazy. don't do it.

Learn what a "discursive essay writing" and "argumentative essay writing" is


https://www.google.com/search?q=discursive+essay
http://academicwriting.wikidot.com/what-is-an-essay
https://www.masterpapers.com/blog/essay-writing-tips/discursive-essay
https://www.essay.uk.com/guides/types-of-essay/discursive-essay.php
https://www.slideshare.net/romavazg/discursive-essay-29320894

Thanks, @H0peAndFa1th

I just thought to write 2 advantages and 2 disadvantages but in separate para. just because of the central topic and flow of the paragraph.
I know I mentioned my opinion in intro and conclusion, that was the wrong move.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

So I will focus mainly on the sentence structure and grammar in this review, There are a lot of spelling errors which is worrying. Guys if you have spelling mistakes while typing on a computer what would happen when you write the essays on paper? You need to be more careful.

A bunch of thanks for your feedback, it helps me identify my BIG mistakes and errors. Even though not explanation is needed, I wrote this draft being in my job. I don't have access to Microsoft Office desktop application except to Notepad, tool which doesn't have words count and spelling correction. However, for sure I need to set enough time to check my spelling since I have weak command to distinguish adjectives, adverbs and nouns that come from a verb.

The introduction is nice. But three grammatical errors in the very first sentence is not good. Thanks, I've been practicing, for hours on ends, following the different tips I've found in a wide range of different sources.


I have just corrected some grammatical errors. But the sentence structure can be better as well. I won't comment on the logic much. It has a good explanation. So at least whatever you have said you have tried to expand on that. The choice of certain words can be better and I have mentioned those in some places.

Thanks.. I'll be more focus on coherence now that I'm free of stress or pressure.


I'll be honest, the sentence structure is not good. You also need to revise concepts of noun, verb, adjective and adverbs.



Possibly the best sentence in the whole essay based on English and least number of mistakes. Thanks.. that moment my supervisor was not watching me...



I think you really need to be careful about your grammar and it would be great if you can refresh a few concepts. The sentence structure is bad. See your task response aspect also gets impacted if you are not able to put across your thoughts in a manner that can be understood by the examiner.

Thanks.... coherence, cohesion and grammar are my greater weakness.. thanks my dear..

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

cansha did a great job to find grammatical mistakes, not going to repeat that ones.

there 317 words, its too much, keep it to 260. I knew it... I was working on Notepad tool, it has not words count..thanks my dear..


Like the way you gave pointers/glimpse of what you are going to say "management of life stressors and delaying childbearing"

no personal opinion, good, Is is neutral introduction , it is not even asked.

keep doing it, very good introduction to the topic. Believe or not, your comment made my day.. I was a little down .. I just put
into practice Liz IETLS and Barron's Book tips.. Thanks!!! my dear.

OMG don't explain the science, please.
see, first and last line is on topic, rest is nonsense. You right, it's totally useless.

you every sentence must link back to main topic, here you are giving reasons for divorce.

let us rewrite the same with more sense

Modern lifestyle requires both partners to work in a stressful and competitive environment to make their ends meet, which stress their minds far beyond regular working hours of office. Usually, people take their work home which shrink family time and de-stress/recreation/unwinding hours, thus a situation of overall dissatisfaction arise among couples. As marriage partners could have different careers, ambitions and priorities, their dedication to the marriage fluctuates, thereby even small issues could lead to regular/frequent and big fights which many times end in bitter relations and inevitable divorces.
Excellent review and summary

that is 88 words, 3 sentences. see pink all linked to main topic. yup, there could be grammatical mistakes as my grammar is weak . but you can get the idea, that is how you stay on topic, in every line.









wtf ? this conclusion has failed on every front, grammar, phrasing language, logic etc



2 paragraphs and 162 words total for reasons.
1 paragraph and 61 words for solution

this is not a balanced approach.

40 words intro
90 Body Paragraph 1
90 Body Paragraph 2
40 conclusion
=260 words total, that should be your plan. STICK TO IT

your intro is good, it is neutral essay, you did not gave your own opinion, which is good.

THANKS!!!!

 

[cansha]

Hi All,

I just wanted to make a few points on the grammar aspect of essay writing. In @H0peAndFa1th 's signature there is a link on difference between a 6.5 and 7 essay. I think on that link he has mentioned that an essay with more than 4/5 grammatical errors automatically ends up being a 6.5 essay. I did not know that when I appeared for exam but I think it is a very important thing to know.

I have seen 3-4 grammatical errors in single sentences and I have seen common themes around those errors. Here are a few things which you probably need to revise in case you feel your grammar is weak.

1. Most common mistake. Using second form of verb after did. Very bad mistake. You always use first form of verb after did.

2,. Subject verb agreement. Basically your verb should reflect your subject whether singular or plural. You can google it or here is a link that explains it https://webapps.towson.edu/ows/moduleSVAGR.htm

3. Use of articles a, an, the.

4. Wrong usage of verb where a noun is needed and vice versa. Similar thing in case of adverbs. Search for noun form of the verb. And see how they need to be used.

In addition to above if you have not already watched see the video on the link in @H0peAndFa1th 's signature. Please do not use excessive commas to make complex sentences. See the video and you will see how to use different sentence forms in your essay.

 

[Babukumar]

I would suggest, agree or disagree directly, don't confuse reader, with your opinions..

2 sentence


seee blue = they forced and not natural.
overall its a good paragraph, could get 7 but not sure about it.

5 sentence


6 sentence



there are 14 sentences, which is good, but still does not feel like 7, it could fetch 7, but, not sure about it.

Thank you for your feed back . Just understood where I went wrong and correcting.

Thanks for the earlier feed back. Lot more I improved in my writing. Came to know that I should not write what's ok for me . Reader should be able to understand.
Thanks once again

 

[ieltsaspirant]

Hi Could you please review and provide the feedback

Some people say it is good to have a uniform for all employees at work. Do you agree or disagree?


Employees in most of the companies nowadays wear a uniform. It is being considered as beneficial by many people. I have the same opinion about having a uniform for an organisation. This essay portrays the reasons to sustain this notion.

To begin with, the uniform is often regarded as an identity of a company. Furthermore, it has an integral role in building a reputation for the organisation. In other words, the attitude and behaviour of the workers towards the society create an impression, either good or bad, about the employer in the public. For instance, in an article published by the ‘Times of India’, the author writes about an incident that happened during the rush hours in the city of Bangalore. The writer says that a blind couple were struggling to cross the National Highway road. When many people who were in hurry ignored the old couple, the employees of the company Robert Bosch, stopped the vehicle from both sides and helped them to cross the road. The writer also expressed her feelings that humanity still exists in this world, as proven by the Robert Bosch workers. Hence this kind of good reputation is gained by the identity they created with their uniforms.

Secondly, uniform helps the people working in an organisation to develop a sense of togetherness and unity. The attire the people wear has a significant effect on the personalities. People working together get a team spirit within them if all are wearing a similar dress. Psychology experts say that visual images have a direct co-relation with the mind. The productivity of the team increases when the collaboration within the team members are more. Numerous researches have consistently found that the interactions between the team member are more positive if they have a uniform. Thus it is beneficial for the companies to have uniforms, which makes the team work together.

To conclude, having assessed the benefits of having a uniform such as, building team spirit and developing a reputation for the organisation, it seems sensible for me to register my agreement to the statement that it is always good to wear a uniform by the employees of the organisation

 

[amancingh]

sorry missed this one.

there are 313 words in this text, please keep it to 260

lets us do it line by line.




4 sentences, good.

I just had my coffee, but still can't understand this paragraph, why ?
people bored = buy products
new features and adverts = people and young ones buy them
more information/ viral info/latest trends = more buying

question was :: Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need.
see the main keyword is "NEED"
did you addressed that ?? properly ?
no you did not. not stressed enough.
instead you gave reasons for buying, but "need" is not addressed anywhere.

and there many different ideas in this para, which is technically not accepted.
yes main idea is buying, but reasons are sub-ideas,

see
advertising == need == buying
first understand question, now find a thing people buy without much need, just because they saw the adverts
I would use clothes as an example.
People already have enough, but still buy just they saw an advert of new jacket/jeans etc
second would be cars,

but I will choose only one idea, shoes or clothes or cars, in one paragraph nothing else, I will elaborate it fully, like
general statement -
reason -
example, a survey, or research study, news article
conclusion - that my reason is supported by example, so my general statement is true.


2 ideas = bad for you, nothing explained well

solid example is missing. read all reviews in this thread.



human beings is perfect, if you are comparing something in regard to other species.


Question was
1 :: advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need.
2 :: advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.
Which viewpoint do you agree with?

where is your answer in this essay ??

there is difference between agreement and opinion.
do you understand that ?

you can have opinion about anything, but not agreement.

please answer the question directly, like
I agree that advertisements have improved our lives/lifestyle.
Atleast once in your essay, in Intro or conclusion.

thnx a lot for ur valuable feedback. it think i hav learned a lot from one post

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please.. some feed back


IETLS TASK 2 PRACTICE

Some parents send their children preschool when they are three of four years old. Other parents wait until their children are old enough for primary school before they send them to school.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantes of sending children to preschool a at young age.

ESSAY

By parentes' choice, children can either attend pre-school on at early age or go directly to primary school when they reach the mandatory age. As always happens with every great decision in life, there is a positive side and a negative side. Attending pre-school can give the opportunity to gain new skills and make friends. However, children can experience from separation anxiety to lack of concentration.

Pre-school has a significant impact of children's life. Kids have the option to gain new skills and abilities during this path. They learn from the letters of the alphabet to sing rhythmical songs, which helps to develop their long-term memory, to simple mathematical problems. Also, pre-school is the first experience with other kids, who can become their forever friends, so they have the chance to meet the beautiful concept of friendship.

On the downside, children are highly prone to suffer separation anxiety during the pre-school years. Pre-school means their first contact with the real world, without parents or relatives around, so they inevitable and irredeemably can feel hopeless, lonely and terrified. Being under such as stress levels, unfailingly leads to loss of attention and concentration, so children are not able to focus on their daily task activities, limiting thus their learning capacity.

Choose to send children to pre-school can be a positive and rewarding experience for both parents and children, but, unfortunately, for many others can be considered as a threatening and disruptive nightmare.

 

[cansha]

Hi Could you please review and provide the feedback

Some people say it is good to have a uniform for all employees at work. Do you agree or disagree?

In my opinion, you have taken a strong view of uniforms are needed and just kept going with it. I won't comment on individual ideas in the paragraphs. I don't think IELTS cares much about the logic of the opinions so it might be okay. But I don't think most companies have uniforms these days. I think you could have explored the topic a bit more. For example, yes in certain professions uniforms are prevalent but in some others uniforms do not exist. For example IT companies don't have uniforms but law enforcement does. Restaurants or the entire hospitality industry have uniforms, factories have etc.

Other than that I can say your writing is good. You know how to support your ideas and grammar in general is on point. I think this is probably one of the best essays I have read on this forum in terms of English and Grammar. I have a few minor corrections for you to consider.

Employees in most of the companies nowadays wear a uniform. It is being considered as beneficial by many people. I have the same opinion about having a uniform for an organisation. This essay portrays the reasons to sustain this notion.

To begin with, the (an) uniform is often regarded as an identity of a company. Furthermore, it has an integral role in building a reputation for the organisation. In other words, the attitude and behaviour of the workers towards the society create an impression, either good or bad, about the employer in the public. For instance, in an article published by the ‘Times of India’, the author writes about an incident that happened during the rush hours in the city of Bangalore. The writer says that a blind couple were struggling to cross the National Highway road. When many people who were in hurry ignored the old couple, the employees of the company Robert Bosch, stopped the vehicle from both sides and helped them to cross the road. The writer also expressed her feelings that humanity still exists in this world, as proven by the Robert Bosch workers. Hence this kind of good reputation is gained by the identity they created with their uniforms.

Surprised to see the mistake in usage of article from you. Again as I said I won't comment on the point and logic. But I'm really glad to see someone using the commas in the correct way. You have a good command over writing.

The productivity of the team increases when the collaboration within the team members are (is .. collaboration is singular and hence is not are) more. Numerous researches have consistently found that the interactions between the team member are more positive if they have a uniform. Thus it is beneficial for the companies to have uniforms, which makes the team work together.

Again just one mistake that I can find. And I think probably an oversight from you. You need to review your work more.

To conclude, having assessed the benefits of having a uniform(,) such as, building team spirit and developing a reputation for the organisation, it seems sensible for me to register my agreement to the statement that it is always good to wear a uniform by the employees of the organisation

Personally I like to write concluding statements where your opinion is right at the beginning of the sentence and not hidden towards the end. There is nothing particularly wrong with the sentence but I found it a little difficult to read.

 

[cansha]

Please.. some feed back


IETLS TASK 2 PRACTICE

Some parents send their children preschool when they are three of four years old. Other parents wait until their children are old enough for primary school before they send them to school.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantes of sending children to preschool a at young age.

Once again, I am focusing more on the sentence structure and grammar of the essay so that you can focus on those mistakes and try not to repeat them. It is difficult both to comment on language and the content in one post.

ESSAY

By parentes' choice, children can either attend pre-school on at an early age or go directly to primary school when they reach the mandatory age. As always happens with every great decision in life (this phrase is not wrong but really too much fluff), there is a positive side and a negative side. Attending pre-school can give the (an) opportunity to gain new skills and make (new) friends. However, children can experience from separation anxiety to lack of concentration. I get what you were trying to say there but it is a badly formed sentence. You need a linking idea before from. So you can say However, children can experience a number of issues / problems / challenges from .........

Reds are mistakes or my deletions. Text in blue is my addition. Green is where you have used good writing devices.
As I have mentioned before please revise the use of articles a, an, the
And also read or revise a bit on prepositions. For example in your 1st sentence you wrote "on at early age". at was the correct preposition. I'm not certain whether including "on" before "at" was a typo error or intentional. If it was a typo error .. it's okay.

Pre-school has a significant impact of (on) children's life. Kids have the option to gain new skills and abilities during this path. They learn(,) from the letters of the alphabet to sing rhythmical songs, which helps to develop their long-term memory, to simple mathematical problems. Also, pre-school is the(ir) first experience with other kids, who can become their forever friends, so they have the chance to meet the beautiful concept of friendship.

Again reiterating you need to review prepositions. Where to use on / at / of etc. You really love from ... to construct. Use some more. You already used it in introduction. But in this instance if you read your sentence again that construct has two "to". Wrong usage and bad phrasing.

On the downside, children are highly prone to suffer separation anxiety during the pre-school years. Pre-school means their first contact with the real world, without parents or relatives around, so they inevitable(ly) and irredeemably can feel hopeless, lonely and terrified. Being under such as stress levels, unfailingly leads to loss of attention and concentration, so children are not able to focus on their daily task activities, limiting thus (thus limiting) their learning capacity.

I think you have a good handle on the language. You can write well in terms of grammar and language skills. Use of commas was good in this passage.

Choose(ing) to send children to pre-school can be a positive and rewarding experience for both parents and children, but, unfortunately, for many others can be considered as a threatening and disruptive nightmare.

Your vocab is pretty decent. Your sentences are not overly complicated. The sentence structure and flow is good. From just the "writing of English" perspective I think you are pretty much there. You just need to be careful about a few things. Hopefully, you won't repeat these mistakes.

 

[cansha]

@Jimmy_McGill Just realized I had reviewed your essay 2 days back also. I think from that one to this one you have reduced your errors a lot. That is really impressive! I think if you keep practicing like this you will definitely do well. I wish you all the best!

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

@Jimmy_McGill Just realized I had reviewed your essay 2 days back also. I think from that one to this one you have reduced your errors a lot. That is really impressive! I think if you keep practicing like this you will definitely do well. I wish you all the best!

thanks for your support and guidance.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Please, I wait your incredible feedback.. Regards! THANKS

PROMPT
In some places, workers are required to retire at a specific age. In others, workers can retire when they choose.
In your opinion, should there be a mandatory retirement age for all workers.

ESSAY:

Retirement can be mandatory at a fixed age, or may be freely chosen by the employee. I firmly believe that there must be a statutory retirement age. Older people have to make room for younger people in the workplace, they inevitably lose abilities and skills as they age, which will invariably affect the business productivity .

Ideally, employees upon reaching 65 years of age should be set aside to make space to younger and/or freshly graduated people. If they just stay working, there would be quite few spots left for those who are looking their first job or the golden opportunity to keep growing professionally and personally. Older workers have simply used the ticket or, to put it bluntly, their useful lifetime has expired.

Moreover, it is a proven fact that certain abilities, for instance mental agility, concentration, and technology prowess, begin a fast and steady decline as people turn 50. On top of that, aging brings a numberless of health problems, which make workers unable to work during long hours, lift heavy weight, even performace small taks such as the use of a computer. And, as a direct result, the company's productivity would be adversaly affected, which in turn would decrease its profits and increase its expenses.

To conclude, retirement age should be established by law and enforced by the courts. People at 65 years old should obligatory retire, thus opening the labour market to younger people who seek for their first job and thereby gaining knowledge and experiences.