IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Dragan]

Hi, I'm new here and I would highly appreciate if someone could review my essay

Task : Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.Do the advantages overweigh the disadvatages ?

It is thought by certain specialists that it is more beneficial for the younger population commencing their foreign language fostering during elementary education as opposed to the high school period. I believe that learning another language at an early stage of education would certainly aid pupils to foster a language quicker and provide them the confidence to use the language communicatively, but there will also be some drawbacks.

Admittedly, there are some basic benefits of children learning a foreign language at primary school compared to secondary school. Firstly, it would mean faster fostering of another language which, on the long run, would help children become fluent in that language. The process of globalization emphasizes the high importance of such training at an early age. Secondly, it has been proved that children gain self-confidence about second language usage if they start learning it between ages 7- 12 . This would additionally increase their communication competence without major hesitations when they find themselves in a situation to use the language.

Nevertheless, despite the above advantages, I believe children face minor issues from acquiring a new language in early education. One problem is when a second language is being learned by elementary students, it needlessly creates miscomprehension of complex language structures. In other words, each language has its own grammatical complexity which is often dealt with difficulty by children, while teenagers grasp these structures faster. Another negative aspect is that elementary students have a limited vocabulary and it could result in a lack of high-level words usage while communicating. Having sufficient word range is necessary for successful communication in any language so if this interferes with their language performance, it can be a problem.

In conclusion, while elementary students might have issues of understanding complicated structures and communicating on the second language due to their limitations in terms of vocabulary, the mentioned advantages greatly outweigh them.

 

[Vyn]

Question- Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?


Answer:

In recent years, capability of a person are assessed based on gender. Mostly agreed that women and men have different abilities and it is debatable if it is right to have specific gender in certain position or not.

Individuals were born uniquely -one person differs from one another. Women are physically different from men but not intellectually less. Women are also capable of performing jobs that require physical strength, or intelligence. At present, there are cases of women in higher position, there are leaders, soldiers, and government officials that are showcasing their talents and skills. It just means that it is right to give women a right to express and not to limit their power within the four corners of their house.

On another note, men are known for their physical strength, and masculine aura that sometimes is associated as strong. Society viewed men as capable of anything. Some corporate owners prefer men over women to take higher position due to their capability to control emotions much better and ability to complete high-risk jobs well.

To summarise, women and men have both strengths and weaknesses. Men have more physical strength and perseverance compare to women. On the other hand, women are flexible and able to multitask in any job scope or setting.

In my view, both genders should have the opportunity to highlight their talents in any field.

 

[Vyn]

@cansha kindly rate my work..thank you

Task : Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.Do the advantages overweigh the disadvatages ?


Majority of the experts agree that it is beneficial for primary students to learn a foreign language at their level rather than to wait until they reach secondary level.

First and foremost, primary students are eager learners. Their brain are like a sponge that absorbs new things positively. Their minds are developing and their curiosity arises in daily manner. Learning a foreign language will increase the learner’s repertoire of communication and expressing self. Children, when exposed to other languages, also increases their opportunities to learn about other cultures. Social skills of the children will develop too. For example, in Singapore, it is a multicultural country, foreign languages are one of the subjects in primary school. Residents are equipped to interact with other national. Children are able to converse with other children from another race comfortably. Learning foreign language during primary level will help increase awareness of the children about the world around them.

On another note, students in secondary level will find it challenging to learn a new language. At this age, priority of the majority are to gain skills that are essential in landing a job such as numeracy and critical thinking skills. Some agrees and finds it a waste of time and energy to learn a foreign language. Moreover, parents will allot the funds more to courses that will increase the chances of their children to be admissible to a university. Furthermore, students at this age has preference and has the ability to decide for themselves. It is a challenge to push a child to learn new concepts if the child itself shows resistance.

In my view, it is more beneficial to start learning other languages as young as possible. Some experts stated that the brain is capable of absorbing new ideas and concepts when the child is young and there are more opportunities for it to develop further.

To recapitulate, some expertise agrees that children in primary level will gain from learning a foreign language more rather than to wait more years before introducing them to other ways of communicating aside from mother tongue.

 

[Vyn]

@cansha..Please rate my work my exam date drawing soon..Am i making progress?

Tasks: More and more people are relying on the internet as their major source of news and information. What advantages does the internet have for the average person? What disavnatages could it have now or in the future?


Answer

Nowadays, majority of the public are highly dependent on using technology such as internet, as the main medium to learn current events and gather the latest information about the world. Some say that it is highly beneficial and only minimal disadvantages.


First and foremost, technology is making a great impact in our current generation. It is possible to know the latest news almost instantly. Previously, people needed to reach home first, switch on their television and watch news. Recently, updates on current issues is now accessible by using only a smartphone. Public can view, read, or watch the news while in transit from work to home or during their lunch break at work. People nowadays are more informed of what is going on around the globe. Moreover, because of this latest development, even the younger generation are getting more involved and show greater interest to learn about the community and their country. For instance, the current issue about the novel virus that is spreading, there is an increase in knowlegde and awareness about the prevention because of the accessibility of the news using mobile phones.


On another note, there are advantages in getting informations using internet. Since the progress in the technology, it is easy to come up with stories online. Member of the public that has excellent skills in technology can make false news, furthermore, to use it to scam the public. Fake news can spread like wildfire and it is difficult to monitor. It is one of the issues that most countries are trying to solve. I think it is not adviseable to simply rely on the internet for news and updates, since there is a possibility that access on some websites may impose personal data theft. In the future, it can be address and resolve way better than today.

To recapitulate, most of the public prefer to gather informations and learn about the latest events using internet. It is good at some point but also impose harm to the public. In my view, it is more beneficial to use both medium. Public can read newspaper, and watch television when they have more free time, since it is energy efficient. Some may use their mobile phones if there is time constraint in their daily routine. Nevertheless, in both ways, it helps the public to know more about their community and whole county which is more important.

 

[junegloom]

Please help to review. Thank you.

Q: The development of tourism contributed to English becoming the most prominent language in the world. Some people think this will lead to English becoming the only language to be spoken globally. What are the advantages and disadvantages to having one language in the world?

A:
As a result of the tourism improvement, English is becoming the most spoken language in the world and leading to be a global language. This essay will highlight both the benefits and drawbacks of having a one globally spoken language.

To begin with the positive, a crucial advantage of having a single language around the globe is that traveling to foreign places will be more cost-efficient. This is because, the travelers are no longer required to get assistance from translators to have a smooth journey. In contrast, the additional costs may need to factor in travel expenses if the language barrier exists. Besides being cost-friendly, speaking a single language encourages in technology improvement. As the resources such as books and other useful resources are channeled in a singular form, it helps to mitigate the waiting time for translation. As a result, every learner will receive an equal opportunity to learn swiftly, which leads to a gradual improvement in technology.

Nevertheless, having a single language as a communication tool does present the problems as when a language extinct, the culture of that society can be disappeared. Considering the fact that people learn and transmit culture through the word, it is no wonder that language plays a vital role in our society. Another significant disadvantage of this communication tool is the pollution issues. The reason for this is when traveling becomes easier with no language difficulties; people tend to travel often with the use of high-speed vehicles, airplane as an example. Thus, it can create adverse effects on the environment, such as air pollution.

In conclusion, although having a single language is beneficial in terms of cost and technology advancement, it is important to consider that they can also harm the culture and are arguably not as environment-friendly as having multi-languages.

 

[cansha]

@cansha..Please rate my work my exam date drawing soon..Am i making progress?

Tasks: More and more people are relying on the internet as their major source of news and information. What advantages does the internet have for the average person? What disavnatages could it have now or in the future?


Answer

Nowadays, majority of the public are highly dependent on using technology such as internet, as the main medium to learn current events and gather the latest information about the world. Some say that it is highly beneficial and only minimal disadvantages.


First and foremost, technology is making a great impact in our current generation. It is possible to know the latest news almost instantly. Previously, people needed to reach home first, switch on their television and watch news. Recently, updates on current issues is now accessible by using only a smartphone. Public can view, read, or watch the news while in transit from work to home or during their lunch break at work. People nowadays are more informed of what is going on around the globe. Moreover, because of this latest development, even the younger generation are getting more involved and show greater interest to learn about the community and their country. For instance, the current issue about the novel virus that is spreading, there is an increase in knowlegde and awareness about the prevention because of the accessibility of the news using mobile phones.


On another note, there are advantages in getting informations using internet. Since the progress in the technology, it is easy to come up with stories online. Member of the public that has excellent skills in technology can make false news, furthermore, to use it to scam the public. Fake news can spread like wildfire and it is difficult to monitor. It is one of the issues that most countries are trying to solve. I think it is not adviseable to simply rely on the internet for news and updates, since there is a possibility that access on some websites may impose personal data theft. In the future, it can be address and resolve way better than today.

To recapitulate, most of the public prefer to gather informations and learn about the latest events using internet. It is good at some point but also impose harm to the public. In my view, it is more beneficial to use both medium. Public can read newspaper, and watch television when they have more free time, since it is energy efficient. Some may use their mobile phones if there is time constraint in their daily routine. Nevertheless, in both ways, it helps the public to know more about their community and whole county which is more important.

Initial comments based on both essays

1. Introduction is very weak. The comprehension line is not good and you have not introduced any of your ideas in the introduction paragraph.

2. Both essays irrespective of topic have common phrases. You open both BP1 with "first and foremost" for example. I understand you are trying to keep things simple but this phrase has been overused and likely be considered a "learnt phrase" and get no marks on the test. Since you're practicing try and use other ways of opening a paragraph.

3. Conclusion was weak in both essays. In this essay conclusion almost reads like a body paragraphs.

4. Overall content is on weaker side and that's the biggest challenge. For example in the first essay the line "kids in this age are like sponge". I've lost count of essays on this thread that have used the same exact line. I'm not sure why that's the case. It's may be some online teacher has used it in some essay and everyone seems to be using to consciously or subconsciously.

Just reading the essay it appears to me you just jumped in to writing the essay without really organizing your thoughts and were writing on the go. The ideas don't look well organized.

 

[cansha]

Please help to review. Thank you.

Q: The development of tourism contributed to English becoming the most prominent language in the world. Some people think this will lead to English becoming the only language to be spoken globally. What are the advantages and disadvantages to having one language in the world?

A:

As a result of the tourism improvement, is development = improvement?
English is becoming the most spoken language in the world and leading to be a global language. This essay will highlight both the benefits and drawbacks of having a one globally spoken language. Weak introduction. See it has all the issues that have been pointed out many times in this thread. Think about it. This line can be written for any advantages / disadvantages essay. It gives you no points on exams. Also point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

To begin with the positive, a crucial advantage of having a single language around the globe is that traveling to foreign places will be more cost-efficient. This is because, the travelers are no longer required to get assistance from translators to have a smooth journey. First I don't know anyone who uses a translator or used it in the past. Even if needed these days translations app are on phone without any cost. In contrast, the additional costs may need to factor in travel expenses if the language barrier exists. Besides being cost-friendly, speaking a single language encourages in technology improvement. How? Does Japan not have technology? or Germany? Or South Korea or China?
As the resources such as books and other useful resources are channeled in a singular form, it helps to mitigate the waiting time for translation. As a result, every learner will receive an equal opportunity to learn swiftly, which leads to a gradual improvement in technology.

I'm sorry but none of these arguments make sense to me at all. You have written big words but I don't find any argument here convincing enough.

Nevertheless, having a single language as a communication tool does present the problems as when a language extinct, the culture of that society can be disappeared. Bad phrasing. Considering the fact that people learn and transmit culture through the word, it is no wonder that language plays a vital role in our society. Another significant disadvantage of this communication tool is the pollution issues. The reason for this is when traveling becomes easier with no language difficulties; people tend to travel often with the use of high-speed vehicles, airplane as an example. Thus, it can create adverse effects on the environment, such as air pollution. From language to pollution!!! I have no words. Like this is such a stretch argument.

In conclusion, although having a single language is beneficial in terms of cost and technology advancement, it is important to consider that they can also harm the culture and are arguably not as environment-friendly as having multi-languages.

Okay there are some issues with English in this essay but for a moment I would like to ignore those. The bigger challenge is that task response / logic / arguments in this essay are completely unconvincing and make very little sense to me. You really need to read a lot more essays. And spend a lot more time to generate ideas on an essay and then write an essay. This essay was a poor attempt and sorry to say is way far from a band 7 score.

Please read some sample essays online and see how arguments are written. All the best!

 

[Aruntocanada]

People today generally have better lives than people in the past did.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that denizens have an improved way of living as compared to the previous time. I totally agree with this viewpoint as people have a well-connected transportation system and access to the World Wide Web.

To embark with, the cogent reason why individuals are availing a better version of their life in the current time is because of the widespread network of more interlinked roadways. Since there has been a tremendous growth in the number of highways and roads connecting big cities and small towns together in a last few decades, people are incredibly connected to various resources such as medical service centers. As a result, people can easily travel to a big metropolis so that they can attain an appropriate and advanced treatment. To exemplify, a recent survey depicted that up to 60% people travelled to Delhi in order to get a better treatment of their physical conditions. Thus, when a better version of life is essential, then a widely connected road system is the backbone for people.

Furthermore, another key aspect of humans who are enjoying a better living condition these days is that people have access to the hyperspace. Owning to the latest internet penetration, people have easy access to smartphones which they can use for a variety for purposes such as shopping. As a result, individuals can easily make a purchase for any product which was a tough task in the old days as people had to physically walk down to the stores. To illustrate, a recent survey pointed out that up to 40% smartphone owners shop online regularly. Therefore, when people have access to internet, they certainly feel more capable of taking up task such as shopping with an ease.

To conclude, It is presumed that humans have better lives as compared to the previous time. I totally believe this view as they now have very well-connected motorways - which they can use to approach services such as hospitals - and access to cyberspace in order to shop with convenience.

@cansha or anyone who can check and let me know if this can fetch 7

 

[Vyn]

Initial comments based on both essays

1. Introduction is very weak. The comprehension line is not good and you have not introduced any of your ideas in the introduction paragraph.

2. Both essays irrespective of topic have common phrases. You open both BP1 with "first and foremost" for example. I understand you are trying to keep things simple but this phrase has been overused and likely be considered a "learnt phrase" and get no marks on the test. Since you're practicing try and use other ways of opening a paragraph.

3. Conclusion was weak in both essays. In this essay conclusion almost reads like a body paragraphs.

4. Overall content is on weaker side and that's the biggest challenge. For example in the first essay the line "kids in this age are like sponge". I've lost count of essays on this thread that have used the same exact line. I'm not sure why that's the case. It's may be some online teacher has used it in some essay and everyone seems to be using to consciously or subconsciously.

Just reading the essay it appears to me you just jumped in to writing the essay without really organizing your thoughts and were writing on the go. The ideas don't look well organized.

Thank you so much for the feedback Cansha, I really appreciate it. Yes I did not think thoroughly nor made bullet form of my ideas before writing. I was timing myself during my practice test. Will definitely make my ideas first drafly before writing. God bless you.

 

[Vyn]

Dear all..kindly make a feedback..i did follow earlier suggestions and remarks. i wish I am making progress.. it took me more time to finish this though,,aarrrggh..thank you all.

Topic
With a growing population, many people believe that we should focus more on producing GM foods.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of doing this?

Answer
Global population continues to rise, but food supply remains the same due to some agricultural lands being developed as residential land. Majority agreed that it is best and beneficial for the human race to produce genetically-manufactured foods, however, some have opposing views. I strongly believe that it is important to live a healthy life, therefore, I am not agreeable to increase GM food production. This issue has more disadvantages than advantages that I will elaborate in my essay.


On the positive note, it can help reduce the need for manual labor. Food can be processed in a high-end laboratory that usually has an excellent computerised system in place. Manpower is only crucial to ensure cleanliness and maintenance of all agricultural machines. The rising issue about the population also means crisis in food. Some say that this can be resolved by manufacturing large amounts of GM foods, since it is more time and energy efficient. Previously, farmers needed to wait a long period of time to harvest crops, but with the recent advancement in technology, this is no longer an issue.


On the other hand, genetically-manufactured foods will increase the percentage of people diagnosed with severe illness. People will consume the food on a daily basis, and if there are no alternatives, they also consume the chemicals in a larger amount moreover than before, resulting in the immune system to deteriorate. There are new disorders and diagnosis discovered by the expertise associating processed food as the main reason it occurs. There were studies conducted that the life span of the human race is getting much shorter because of the food that is readily available in the food market. Decades ago, the lifespan of humans can span up to a hundred years, but in recent years, it declines to seventy to eighty years. Some say the reason for longevity of life before was the daily intake of naturally produced food, and the cause for people to die at a younger age is due to the consumption of unhealthy food.


To recapitulate, although it has positive benefits of having genetically-produced foods, in my view, it also has a wide-range of disadvantages. It is more benefitting for all to have a healthy lifestyle, and consume food that will have positive effects and results in our body. Global leaders should focus on spreading awareness about healthy eating, and plant-based diet, to solve the issue on hunger, especially in developing countries that have limited funds.

 

[Vyn]

@cansha kindly check..i do not know if i am doing it right..following suggestions and feedback

Topic:
Many people believe that many social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Answer
Majority of the public agree that social media, for instance Facebook, is thought to be harming the people and has a detrimental effect on the community. I agree with the positive benefits of using social networking sites since it helps connect people around the globe, as well as the adverse effects of it on society, but I am gearing more of its importance to an individual.


With the recent development in technology, individuals find it more convenient to connect and communicate with families, friends, and other members of the community. Since nowadays, the public uses Facebook or Instagrams to upload updates about their life in a daily manner. Relatives located in other countries and remote places are now able to know the latest news about their family members. Based on personal experience, it is emotionally challenging to be away from family. The only medium for me to connect with them was through social media. Furthermore, with networking sites, it is easier to plan for holidays since most users upload pictures and highlight places that are great to spend holiday with.


On the other hand, it has negative influence in society. Public is giving more attention to their social media, that in some cases, they frequently check on it and lose valuable time. For example, while on transit on their way home, the majority looks on their phone while walking, and are oblivious of what is happening around them. In this case, public is loosing community awareness. Moreover, it is detrimental to the safety of other members of the society too. In recent years, there are an increase in road accidents, kidnapping, fraud and robbery compare before due to the usage of networking sites.


In summary, it is beneficial for individuals to have access to social networking sites since it develops connections with immediate family and friends. However, it greatly affects the society in terms of safety. Government should make firm rules and regulations about the use of networking sites in public places and it should be imposed strictly.

 

[cansha]

People today generally have better lives than people in the past did.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that denizens have an improved way of living as compared to the previous time. There is an issue with this phrase. The way it is currently written is you are comparing people to "previous time". you can't compare two different things. You can say "as compared to people of previous generation / era" etc.

I totally agree with this viewpoint as people have a well-connected transportation system and access to the World Wide Web. Ok good. Clear position with reasoning.

To embark with, the cogent reason why individuals are availing a better version of their life in the current time is because Think about it you have used so many words and just repeated what you have already said. The more quickly you hit your point better it is for your essay.
of the widespread network of more interlinked roadways. Since there has been a tremendous growth in the number of highways and roads connecting big cities and small towns together in a last few decades, people are incredibly connected to various resources such as medical service centers. That is the problem with verbosity. You have used so many words saying / repeating the same thing but just one example of how all that helps. This shows you thought about the ideas but not as much as you should do.
As a result, people can easily travel to a big metropolis so that they can attain an appropriate and advanced treatment. To exemplify, a recent survey depicted that up to 60% people travelled to Delhi in order to get a better treatment of their physical conditions. Thus, when a better version of life is essential, then a widely connected road system is the backbone for people.

So the only benefit of roads is going to hospitals?

Furthermore, another key aspect of humans who are enjoying a better living condition these days is that people have access to the hyperspace. cyberspace. Owning to the latest internet penetration, people have easy access to smartphones Two things - one I in Internet is always capital. Second you're saying there is more access to Internet and hence more smartphones. Or should it be other way around since people have more smartphones they have access to Internet?
which they can use for a variety for purposes such as shopping. As a result, individuals can easily make a purchase for any product which was a tough task in the old days as people had to physically walk down to the stores. To illustrate, a recent survey pointed out that up to 40% smartphone owners shop online regularly. Therefore, when people have access to internet, they certainly feel more capable of taking up task such as shopping with an ease.

So only use of Internet is Shopping?

See your ideas were really good. But you are writing words and not content. You thought of two good ideas but supporting ideas were weak. Only take away from essay is our lives are better because we have road to go to hospital and Internet to do shopping.

To conclude, It is presumed that humans have better lives as compared to the previous time. Waste of a line. Only needed in introduction.
I totally believe this view as they now have very well-connected motorways - which they can use to approach services such as hospitals - and access to cyberspace in order to shop with convenience. Even though I felt content was weak this conclusion line is very well written. Please remember this for your next attempt. This one line gives away the whole content of your essay which is what a good conclusion should do. Well done!

Overall, you're closer to 7 than before but these days you need to be at 7.5/7.75 level to get a 7. Good thing is you have nailed Introduction and Conclusion formats. You have almost nailed how to structure BPs. You just need to bring more content and less verbosity / filler words.

Just spend some more time in analyzing topic and arranging thoughts. All the best!

 

[cansha]

Dear all..kindly make a feedback..i did follow earlier suggestions and remarks. i wish I am making progress.. it took me more time to finish this though,,aarrrggh..thank you all.

Topic
With a growing population, many people believe that we should focus more on producing GM foods.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of doing this?

Answer
Global population continues to rise, but food supply remains the same due to some agricultural lands being developed as residential land. Good thought but if you are saying land is decreasing food production can not stay the same.
Majority Not sure "Many" in topic sentence means "Majority". Very different meaning. Think about it.
agreed that it is best and beneficial for the human race to produce genetically-manufactured foods, however, some have opposing views. I strongly believe that it is important to live a healthy life, therefore, I am not agreeable to increase GM food production. This issue has more disadvantages than advantages that I will elaborate in my essay. Point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485


On the positive note, it can help reduce the need for manual labor. Food can be processed in a high-end laboratory that usually has an excellent computerised system in place. Manpower is only crucial to ensure cleanliness and maintenance of all agricultural machines. The rising issue about the population also means crisis in food.The ideas look jumbled up. I mean what is your message. GM foods is needed to avoid manual labor or to solve world hunger?
Some say that this can be resolved by manufacturing large amounts of GM foods, since it is more time and energy efficient. Previously, farmers needed to wait a long period of time to harvest crops, but with the recent advancement in technology, this is no longer an issue. Do GM food have shorter harvest periods?


On the other hand, genetically-manufactured foods will increase the percentage of people diagnosed with severe illness. People will consume the food on a daily basis, and if there are no alternatives, they also consume the chemicals in a larger amount moreover than before, resulting in the immune system to deteriorate. There are new disorders and diagnosis discovered by the expertise associating processed food as the main reason it occurs. Not sure what you mean here. Poorly written.
There were studies conducted that the life span of the human race is getting much shorter because of the food that is readily available in the food market. Decades ago, the lifespan of humans can span up to a hundred years, but in recent years, it declines to seventy to eighty years. Some say the reason for longevity of life before was the daily intake of naturally produced food, and the cause for people to die at a younger age is due to the consumption of unhealthy food. Your grammar is weak and needs work.


To recapitulate, although it has positive benefits of having genetically-produced foods, in my view, it also has a wide-range of disadvantages. It is more benefitting for all to have a healthy lifestyle, and consume food that will have positive effects and results in our body. Global leaders should focus on spreading awareness about healthy eating, and plant-based diet, to solve the issue on hunger, especially in developing countries that have limited funds. Point 3.2 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

This essay is all over the place.

 

[davisantos]

Hello @cansha,

Would you mind to review my essay?

Anyone else is also free to review.

Thanks in advance.

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to solve this situation?

For centuries people have been migrating from countryside to urban cities. With this trend, which is more significant among the youngsters, some problems arise. Whereas the countryside cities are left behind with a lack of work force and an unattended elderly population, the urban areas get crowded with expensive accommodation.

The working age people are important to urban areas as they are to the countryside. In spite of the fact that rural areas have a lower population when compared to urban areas, several people are required to work in the public and private sector. For instance, not only hospitals but also post offices need a considerable number of employees. On top of that, the elderly people who stay at the countryside will face difficult in finding proper care, since their children would also migrate to urban areas. Hence, the foreseen problems will reach the society in a micro and macro perspective.

Therefore, for retaining the young generation the government should invest in the countryside. Considering the case that people migrate seeking job opportunities the government should lower taxation on companies whose settle down on the countryside. In addition, a better transportation infrastructure should be built, so people can work on the urban areas and still comeback to be together with their parents and grandparents. Thus, with good opportunities and infrasctructure the young with have less reasons to leave their cities.

In conclusion, this migration trend can be mitigated by a proper investment in infrastructure in the countryside. Otherwise, the problems will affect not only the people and cities which are being left behind but also the cities which are going to receive these newcomers.

 

[cansha]

Hello @cansha,

Would you mind to review my essay?

Anyone else is also free to review.

Thanks in advance.

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to solve this situation?

My review consists of some questions to you. Think about those as you read your essay again. If you disagree, that is okay. But those questions according to me highlight potential problems / weaker aspects of the essay. So, let's begin.


For centuries people have been migrating from countryside to urban cities. Is it relevant? Point 1.2 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
With this trend, which is more significant among the youngsters, some problems arise. Have you paraphrased the entire topic sentence?
Whereas the countryside cities "Countryside cities?" what is the difference between countryside and city? are left behind with a lack of work force This phrase looks wrong to me. But I can't pin point why? and an unattended elderly population, the urban areas get crowded with expensive accommodation. On first glance it may not look incorrect. But I think correct expression would be "leading to expensive accommodation".
Okay good you mentioned two problems but haven't touched the solution aspect of the question. It's not bad but let's see how much of that is addressed in remaining paras.

The working age people are as important to urban areas as they are to the countryside. Okay but what's the point?
In spite of the fact that rural areas have a lower population when compared to urban areas, several people are required to work in the public and private sector.
For instance, not only hospitals but also post offices need a considerable number of employees. On top of that, the elderly people who stay at the countryside will face difficult in finding proper care, since their children would also migrate to urban areas. Hence, the foreseen problems will reach the society in a micro and macro perspective. I dislike such arguments as these can be made for almost any topic under the sun and have no real meaning.
You have used first 4 lines to talk about issue 1. Lack of workforce and completely ignored the second point you raised of increased accommodation prices. That's how you lose points on C&C.

Therefore, for retaining the young generation the government should invest in the countryside. Ok now I see why you ended the BP1 the way you did. You wanted to lead to a solution paragraph. But still the last sentence is weak.
Considering the case that people migrate seeking job opportunities the government should lower taxation on companies whose settle down on the countryside. Wrong phrasing In addition, a better transportation infrastructure should be built, so people can work on the urban areas and still comeback to be together with their parents and grandparents. Thus, with good opportunities and infrasctructure the young with have less reasons to leave their cities. Re-read this sentence. You may want to correct it.

Overall BP2 is more coherent and makes sense.

In conclusion, this migration trend can be mitigated by a proper investment in infrastructure in the countryside. Otherwise, the problems will affect not only the people and cities which are being left behind but also the cities which are going to receive these newcomers.What problems. You are concluding. Revisit your main points.

Overall, there are some issues in grammar and sentence formation but I think those can be fixed if you do a thorough review in the end. I don't see any big issues with English language ability. The bigger challenge, as in most cases, is task response and C&C.

Both introduction and conclusion paragraphs were weak and BP1 completely ignored your own point made in introduction. More often than not an attempt like this would probably get stuck at 6.5. The biggest difference between a 6.5 and 7 essay is not vocab or grammar but a better flow and task response in essay. All the best!