IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[AffanMustafa]

Hello guys,

I will be retrying for IELTS but my previous IELTS is valid till now, will taking new IELTS in anyway makes my previous IELTS invalid?

Thanks

 

[cansha]

Hello guys,

I will be retrying for IELTS but my previous IELTS is valid till now, will taking new IELTS in anyway makes my previous IELTS invalid?

Thanks

no

 

[davisantos]

My review consists of some questions to you. Think about those as you read your essay again. If you disagree, that is okay. But those questions according to me highlight potential problems / weaker aspects of the essay. So, let's begin.


For centuries people have been migrating from countryside to urban cities. Is it relevant? Point 1.2 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
With this trend, which is more significant among the youngsters, some problems arise. Have you paraphrased the entire topic sentence?
Whereas the countryside cities "Countryside cities?" what is the difference between countryside and city? are left behind with a lack of work force This phrase looks wrong to me. But I can't pin point why? and an unattended elderly population, the urban areas get crowded with expensive accommodation. On first glance it may not look incorrect. But I think correct expression would be "leading to expensive accommodation".
Okay good you mentioned two problems but haven't touched the solution aspect of the question. It's not bad but let's see how much of that is addressed in remaining paras.

The working age people are as important to urban areas as they are to the countryside. Okay but what's the point?
In spite of the fact that rural areas have a lower population when compared to urban areas, several people are required to work in the public and private sector.
For instance, not only hospitals but also post offices need a considerable number of employees. On top of that, the elderly people who stay at the countryside will face difficult in finding proper care, since their children would also migrate to urban areas. Hence, the foreseen problems will reach the society in a micro and macro perspective. I dislike such arguments as these can be made for almost any topic under the sun and have no real meaning.
You have used first 4 lines to talk about issue 1. Lack of workforce and completely ignored the second point you raised of increased accommodation prices. That's how you lose points on C&C.

Therefore, for retaining the young generation the government should invest in the countryside. Ok now I see why you ended the BP1 the way you did. You wanted to lead to a solution paragraph. But still the last sentence is weak.
Considering the case that people migrate seeking job opportunities the government should lower taxation on companies whose settle down on the countryside. Wrong phrasing In addition, a better transportation infrastructure should be built, so people can work on the urban areas and still comeback to be together with their parents and grandparents. Thus, with good opportunities and infrasctructure the young with have less reasons to leave their cities. Re-read this sentence. You may want to correct it.

Overall BP2 is more coherent and makes sense.

In conclusion, this migration trend can be mitigated by a proper investment in infrastructure in the countryside. Otherwise, the problems will affect not only the people and cities which are being left behind but also the cities which are going to receive these newcomers.What problems. You are concluding. Revisit your main points.

Overall, there are some issues in grammar and sentence formation but I think those can be fixed if you do a thorough review in the end. I don't see any big issues with English language ability. The bigger challenge, as in most cases, is task response and C&C.

Both introduction and conclusion paragraphs were weak and BP1 completely ignored your own point made in introduction. More often than not an attempt like this would probably get stuck at 6.5. The biggest difference between a 6.5 and 7 essay is not vocab or grammar but a better flow and task response in essay. All the best!

Hello @cansha

Thank you for your time in reviewing my essay. I appreciate your comments, and I will try to learn from them.

It is clear to me how to improve my Introduction and Conclusion paragraphs.

Thanks!

 

[cshetna]

@cansha
Please evaluate my essay

Multinational companies are becoming increasingly common in developing countries.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?



Most of the multinational companies are expanding in developing nations. While these companies are successful in generating employment opportunities but they are also responsible to create a toxic and discriminatory environment that can have adverse effects on their local employees.


One evident benefit to setup multinational companies in developing countries is work that it can provide to their people. In developing countries, there is a high rate of unemployment, people often do not find jobs to run their livelihood, without the existence of these companies, they might have remained unemployed. Perhaps the best example of this would be the Philippines, many global companies like Google, Facebook have outsourced their operational work to this little Island, and due to this setup, it has surged their employment rate resulting in the growth of the economy.


The main drawback of this development is the negative environment it creates for local employees. It is commonly observed that global companies often implement policies that are biased and favor their national workers, they aim to limit their expenditure thus they provide fewer wages with no perks which have detrimental effects on them. For example, In SriLanka, locals working in Infosys get 70% less salary unlike western countries, they are not entitled to maternity leaves or any extra payout. This shows how these companies exploit workers in poor nations.


In conclusion, although multinational companies are doing good for poor nations by employing their people but also exploiting them for their profit. Therefore one should look at both sides.

 

[Aruntocanada]

It is believed that denizens have an improved way of living as compared to the previous time. There is an issue with this phrase. The way it is currently written is you are comparing people to "previous time". you can't compare two different things. You can say "as compared to people of previous generation / era" etc. >> I get it boss.

I totally agree with this viewpoint as people have a well-connected transportation system and access to the World Wide Web. Ok good. Clear position with reasoning.

To embark with, the cogent reason why individuals are availing a better version of their life in the current time is because Think about it you have used so many words and just repeated what you have already said. The more quickly you hit your point better it is for your essay.
of the widespread network of more interlinked roadways. Since there has been a tremendous growth in the number of highways and roads connecting big cities and small towns together in a last few decades, people are incredibly connected to various resources such as medical service centers. That is the problem with verbosity. You have used so many words saying / repeating the same thing but just one example of how all that helps. This shows you thought about the ideas but not as much as you should do. >> agree
As a result, people can easily travel to a big metropolis so that they can attain an appropriate and advanced treatment. To exemplify, a recent survey depicted that up to 60% people travelled to Delhi in order to get a better treatment of their physical conditions. Thus, when a better version of life is essential, then a widely connected road system is the backbone for people.

So the only benefit of roads is going to hospitals?

Furthermore, another key aspect of humans who are enjoying a better living condition these days is that people have access to the hyperspace. cyberspace. Owning to the latest internet penetration, people have easy access to smartphones Two things - one I in Internet is always capital. Second you're saying there is more access to Internet and hence more smartphones. Or should it be other way around since people have more smartphones they have access to Internet?
which they can use for a variety for purposes such as shopping. As a result, individuals can easily make a purchase for any product which was a tough task in the old days as people had to physically walk down to the stores. To illustrate, a recent survey pointed out that up to 40% smartphone owners shop online regularly. Therefore, when people have access to internet, they certainly feel more capable of taking up task such as shopping with an ease.

So only use of Internet is Shopping?

See your ideas were really good. But you are writing words and not content. You thought of two good ideas but supporting ideas were weak. Only take away from essay is our lives are better because we have road to go to hospital and Internet to do shopping. >>>

To conclude, It is presumed that humans have better lives as compared to the previous time. Waste of a line. Only needed in introduction.

So, you suggest to avoid paraphrasing the prompt in the conclusion. I sometime feel it illogical though.

I totally believe this view as they now have very well-connected motorways - which they can use to approach services such as hospitals - and access to cyberspace in order to shop with convenience. Even though I felt content was weak this conclusion line is very well written. Please remember this for your next attempt. This one line gives away the whole content of your essay which is what a good conclusion should do. Well done!

Overall, you're closer to 7 than before but these days you need to be at 7.5/7.75 level to get a 7. Good thing is you have nailed Introduction and Conclusion formats. You have almost nailed how to structure BPs. You just need to bring more content and less verbosity / filler words.

Just spend some more time in analyzing topic and arranging thoughts. All the best!

Thanks a lot! I have got little away which took me some time to revert.

 

[hardeep bal]

@cansha

please evaluate this essay

Q: News play an important part at most people's lives. Why is news so important to people? why is so much news dedicated to bad news? should the news focus on good news instead?
Answer:

Nowadays an influence of news is becoming more significant part of the society. Whether majority of people have claimed about its popularity is due to negative news or positive has immensely debatable. However, this essay will discuss why news is vital and why news is all about negativity with appropriate explanation.

To commence with, the significance of news in the general lives because it keeps an individual updated. One would be aware about what's happening around him in terms of politics, environment or infrastructure. News can telecast via radio, television or the internet is quite famous these days. In contrast, it was impossible in the past when people had no access to such devices. As a result, it helps public to know about recent trends of overall surroundings.

It may also be noted that majority of news is associated with bad aspects although it benefits to rise the number of viewers. It is because people want to watch crime or violence news which involves action or curiosity. For example, recent findings in the US news authority survey conducted multiple hits are recorded on bad articles and news than positive ones. Therefore, the influence of negative news has benefited hugely to the channels as well as news industry.

In conclusion, an indispensable importance of news is undoubtedly true even though most of the times it is violent. In my view, news is just a channel of communication and it does not matter about good or bad. Hence, the way of telecasting it should be independent.

 

[Kiran Jayachandran]

Can someone please evaluate below formal letter


You bought a TV a week ago but when you got home you discovered it did not work properly. You called
customer service to report the problem but you have not yet received any help.
Write a letter to the company and in your letter :
 introduce yourself
 explain the problem
 and state what action you would like from the company

Dear Sir or Madam
My name is Sam Tylor and I am one of your frequent customers. I have referred your store to many of
my friends because of your pre and post sales service. I am writing this letter to bring to your attention
about a faulty TV set purchase I made last week.
On Monday, 15 th January, I visited your store to purchase a TV set. I bought a Samsung 50 inch LED
Smart TV. Your executive assured that this is the latest model and the best buy. However, when I got
home I got to know that TV set came with a faulty remote. In addition to that, the visuals have grains on
it which provides an extremely inferior picture quality than my earlier TV set. I contacted your customer
service department immediately and reported the issue. I provided the purchase number and mailed
the scanned copy of the bill. They promised me to fix the issue within two days. I am really disappointed
that I did not receive any communication since then.
This time I am displeased with both the quality of the product and the after sales service provided. I
hope this issue will be resolved promptly. I expect a replacement for the set or repairing the current set
within a day.
I await your prompt service.
Yours faithfully,
Sam Tylor

 

[Kiran Jayachandran]

Can someone please evaluate below essay as well?



Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think
that it is important for children to go to school.
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include
any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Education plays a pivotal role in a child’s development. The growth of the child depends on the mode of
receiving the education as well. One school of thought propagates that homeschooling is the finest way
to provide education to a child whereas the other school of thought are of the opinion that the child is
nurtured best in school environment. This essay focuses the pros of both home schooling and learning in
school environment and which is the best out of the two methods in my opinion.
There are several advantages for those who learn at home. Firstly, the children can spend more time
with their parents and siblings. A prevailing problem is that kids are not getting quality time to spend
with their parents and home schooling can be a solution to that. Secondly, individual attention is
assured when learning at home. Individual attention and care helps in identifying the child’s strengths
and weaknesses and eventually help the tutor to work on the weaknesses and develop the strengths.
Children when at home are safe and they are not exposed to bullying or other bad influences. Last year
a research was conducted in the schools in the Kerala, India and it was reported that 50% of the
students are exposed to mild to extreme bullying in schools and around 3-4% are still facing the
repercussions. This situations can be avoided in home schooling.
On the other hand, learning in school environment is also rewarding in many ways. The first and
foremost advantage is that it helps the children to enhance their interpersonal skills. The children at
school communicates with their peers and teachers, and also confronts new situations frequently which
can enhance their overall development and socialization skills. Secondly, the school not only focuses on
academics but also on areas of their interest like sports and arts and give them a platform and audience
to showcase their talents through which they can build up their confidence. For example, every year in
Kerala, India there is an annual arts, sports and literary inter school festival where children from
different schools in the state take part and involve in healthy competitions. This competitions are truly
an added advantage when the children are part of a school.
I believe that the children are better off in a school environment . Although family time and individual
attention are important, the exposure the school can provide the children cannot be matched. The
school prepares the children to face the real world, to come out of their comfort zones and to navigate
through the challenges.

 

[Aruntocanada]

@cansha

please evaluate this essay

Q: News play an important part at most people's lives. Why is news so important to people? why is so much news dedicated to bad news? should the news focus on good news instead?
Answer:

Nowadays an influence of news is becoming more (it is a comparing word, whom you are comparing with) significant part of the society ( about People or society). Whether majority of people have claimed about its popularity is due to negative news or positive has immensely debatable.( makes no sense to me)
However, this essay will discuss( get rid of this ) why news is vital and why news is all about negativity with appropriate explanation. where is 3rd question??

To commence with, the significance of news in the general lives (is ..missing) because it keeps an individual updated. One would be aware about what's (= what is) happening around him in terms of politics, environment or infrastructure. ok, News can telecast via radio, television or the internet is quite famous these days(check grammar). In contrast, it was impossible in the past when people had no access to such devices. As a result, it helps public to know about recent trends of overall surroundings. Underdeveloped idea.

It may ( are u unsure about this) also be noted that majority of news is associated with bad aspects although it benefits to rise the number of viewers. It is because people want to watch crime or violence news which involves action or curiosity. For example, recent findings in the US news authority survey conducted multiple hits are recorded on bad articles and news than positive ones ( read and try to understand). Therefore, the influence of negative news has benefited hugely to the channels as well as news industry.

Q3??

In conclusion, an indispensable importance of news is undoubtedly true even though most of the times it is violent. In my view, news is just a channel of communication ( are u sure it is a channel on communication) and it does not matter about good or bad. Hence, the way of telecasting it should be independent. read and correct it.

even though I am not an expert, but sharing what i have learnt so far. My suggestion is - stop writing and start understanding what you are expected to write and how - basically structure and way of writing. Spend some time reading more and learning basic grammar.

 

[hardeep bal]

Thanks @Aruntocanada

would you mind to evaluate this essay if yoU have time?

Q: Some people like to travel outside their country. Others would rather travel to tourist spots in their own country first, before travelling abroad. Which do you prefer to do and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice.

Traveling to different places has become common for people around the world. Although countries are gaining benefits from visitors, also the economy is growing significantly. In my view, people should explore their country first due to the aforementioned reasons.

To commence with, traveling into own country which further rises the overall revenue and budget of the tourist industry. It is because nations can obtain sufficient funds to construct their monuments by charging ticket prices to visitors. For instance, in Gujarat India recently a government has constructed a world's tallest statue which has attracted a majority of its residents along with foreigners. In contrast, if countries had spent more expenses on tourist destinations, then residents would not have gone to the other nations. Therefore, more visitors mean more demand and multiple businesses' will grow.

Moreover, it is well known that people will likely to get know about the diversity of states by visiting them. This is due to a variety of regions has numerous residents, who speak different languages and follow diverse traditions. For example, big countries like Canada are divided into various provinces where the population follow different cultures. Despite this, it is impossible if residents go outside on vacation they will expose to entirely alternative cultures. Thus, the diversity among states can be observed which eventually raises the sense of love and esteem among civilians.

In conclusion, it is undeniably true that the economy and enrichment of cultures have grown up by visiting into own country. Therefore, I strongly prefer to explore my own country first before considering others.

 

[waqaracca]

Hi,

This is my first post and planning to take test on 7th of March, already registered though.

Can some one please evaluate my essay. Many thanks and appreciation in advance.

Today more people are travelling than ever before.

Why is this the case?

What are the benefits of travelling for the traveler?

Travelling has become more common in current era, in comparison with previous times. Increase in this trend carries huge advantages for global population. Travelers can understand various cultures and values of different countries.

Travelling has become a pastime for people due to plethora of reasons. Firstly, with technological advancements, nowadays, it is easy to travel long distances in short span of time. Secondly, there are abundance of options available for tourists to choose from, airline tickets are cheaper and easily available than some decades ago. Lastly, airports are available in almost all parts of the world, the areas which were considered to be remote, can now be accessed comfortably. The distances which were assumed to be covered in days are now just a matter of few hours.

Consequently, people are travelling more frequently and exploring different parts of the world. This allows them to understand norms and values of different cultures. In addition, people can enjoy different climates which are not available in their part of the world, for instance, countries on equator cannot have snowfall as those countries are more prone to hot weather. However, those habitants can plan their trips to colder areas to experience the different climate. Moreover, every part of the world has its own attractions and historical sites. More often history fills person’s memory with nostalgia.

In conclusion, travelling is the most popular hobby amongst people of present age and it allows them to explore world and understand the values of different cultures.

 

[waqaracca]

Expecting a feedback on below with humble request

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports) are paid too much money.

Do you agree or disagree?



Which other types of job should be highly paid?

It is commonly believed that celebrities like; actors, music instrument players, athletes earn a huge income. However, there are other professions which ought to be highly paid as well. In my opinion, the former statement is an undisputed fact and can be observed throughout the world by looking at glamorous life of certain celebrities.

Although some industries pay back a huge amount of money to its key players but it requires a tremendous amount of efforts and certain skill set to be part of those industries. For instance, every individual cannot become Christiano Ronaldo or Brad Pitt. It requires some special some special abilities and the role of fate is also a key factor. The specific occupations pays back high rewards because sponsors earn huge profits based on grossing of a movie or liking of a star player for a club, the club can earn by advertisement and winning trophies.

However, having said these industries pay high rewards, but to few only. It is not possible for some one with ordinary skills to achieve same amount of face & reputation as current stars does. Many people try to establish a career in same field ignoring their real potential and forgetting the fact that all those flitters are not gold. However, they can earn good amounts by following their own passions.

On the other hand, some noble professions are ignored by the society and they do not receive the appreciation and financial rewards which they deserve. One of them are teachers, for any nation, its generations are made by teachers and education is the pillar of developed nations. Although some countries do compensate its teachers well but many ignores. The one of the many reasons is the abundance of supply because it is common practice to become a teacher after completing graduation or post-graduation in un-developed parts of the world, as a consequence, resulting in more supply than required.

In conclusion, showbiz and sports starts earn high money for a reason but other noble professionals are highly important for the development of a society and ought to be rewarded accordingly.

 

[yoloraw]

@cansha trying to borrow your precious time

Fewer schools are requiring children to learn and improve their handwriting skills. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of this trend?

Handwriting skills are one of the oldest skills among people. Some schools want their children to inculcate and develop their handwriting skills. In my opinion, these skills are immensely advantageous in the long run, though there are few disadvantages it might bring for school-goers.

Despite the disadvantages below, I believe there are multiple benefits of learning and improving writing skills. One good reason of establishing good handwriting is the level of patience students acquire from this talent. This is because perfectly writing using hands is time-consuming, and that indirectly contributes into development of patience in children. Another positive outcome of this is that children become more hardworking. The main reason behind this is that, at schools, children write diverse range of long assignments with hand, and this increases their overall efficiency towards task accomplishment on time. Recent research published in 2019 reveled that 90 percent children who write their notes with hands are smart and intelligent in studies.

Nevertheless, there are few downsides of focusing more on learn and improve writing with hands. One negative aspect of this trend by some schools is that this might deviate the main focus of students from studies. This is because there are many other important subjects such as Science and Technology, these require more attention than handwriting style. Second disadvantage of giving importance to handwriting is that this can create unnecessary burden on students. At schools, majority of the students are already overbooked with their current curriculum, if they are forced to improve another skill which may not be that important for them in future, can increase their anxiety and stress.

In conclusion, although there are some negative outcomes of learning and improving handwriting skills, I personally believe that there are more advantages that are indispensable for children's schooling; therefore, in my view, benefits of handwriting clearly outweigh any disadvantage it might bring.

 

[yoloraw]

Dear @cansha, is there any improvement now?

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other sorts of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Although most of the governments consider economic growth as their top priority to achieve, others believe development should include other major sectors which are also vital for a country. In my opinion, the most optimal solution for a government is to focus on all other ways along with economy, as economic growth is fully dependent upon them.

One the one hand, those who claim government’s most crucial focus should primarily be on economic development think that stronger economic results are indispensable in order to build a strong nation. This is because all major sectors such as national and international corporate, industries, and healthcare depends upon strong economic figures. In India, for instance, people had more employment opportunities when economy rises in 2018, before that, there was a increase in unemployment rate due to recession in the starting of the same year. If, in contrast, governing bodies do not work towards improving country’s economy, this would lead to more unemployment, high tax burdens for a country, and expensive goods and services for the people.

On the other hand, some people argue that government should work towards improving all other sectors along with economy and I agree. The main reason behind this argument is that if other sectors grow, economy will automatically flourish in the right direction. For example, recent survey reveled that when government had invested one million for the improvement of agriculture sector, economy grows to 1.3 percent in 2019. Obviously, it is undeniable that economic development relies upon all other imperative fields namely agriculture, industries, private sectors, and international trades. In contrast, if all other sectors fails to improve, automatically this will lead to a dip in economic growth.

In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I personally think that government should divide their tasks for the betterment of all sectors equally, and that would result in an exceptional growth in economic figures.

 

[cansha]

Dear @cansha, is there any improvement now?

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other sorts of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Although most of the governments consider economic growth as their top priority to achieve, others believe development should include other major sectors which are also vital for a country. like what? In my opinion, the most optimal solution for a government is to focus on all other ways along with economy, as economic growth is fully dependent upon them. What other ways. Introduction is so vague.

One the one hand, those who claim government’s most crucial focus should primarily be on economic development think that stronger economic results are indispensable in order to build a strong nation. This is because all major sectors such as national and international corporate, industries, and healthcare depends upon strong economic figures. In India, for instance, people had more employment opportunities when economy rises in 2018, before that, there was a increase in unemployment rate due to recession in the starting of the same year. If, in contrast, governing bodies do not work towards improving country’s economy, this would lead to more unemployment, high tax burdens for a country, and expensive goods and services for the people.

On the other hand, some people argue that government should work towards improving all other sectors along with economy and I agree.Point 2.1 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
The main reason behind this argument is that if other sectors grow, economy will automatically flourish in the right direction. For example, recent survey reveled that when government had invested one million for the improvement of agriculture sector, economy grows to 1.3 percent in 2019. Obviously, it is undeniable that economic development relies upon all other imperative fields namely agriculture, industries, private sectors, and international trades. In contrast, if all other sectors fails to improve, automatically this will lead to a dip in economic growth.

In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I personally think that government should divide their tasks for the betterment of all sectors equally, and that would result in an exceptional growth in economic figures.

In my opinion, you are way off in this essay and task response is just not there. You didn't really understand the essay topic in the first place. All the examples you quoted in second paragraph agriculture, industry, private sector are all example of government focusing on economic issues. The essay wanted you to discuss focusing on those vs focusing on other things like say arts, culture, education, social etc. You may want to spend some time and really understand what exactly the essay is asking.