Thank you all my friends for all the support and love, and if I call you friends I think you also deserve to know why I decided to end my marriage. Sorry I did not explain before but it was tough for me to share these things on the forum and it is still hard but I know many people here care about me so I have decided to share my story...
Our marriage (Nikkah only) was arranged so it was only three days after the Nikkah that I spoke to my wife for the first time. Few minutes in to our phone conversation she told me that she do not want to have a emotional relationship between us. I was sad to hear it because I really wanted to share everything with her and emotional connection was a very important part, at least for me. She explained that because we will be living so far away from each other, it will be easier to wait for each other if we are not emotionally close to each other. I did not argue with her because I thought she is only saying that and with time she will realize that she cannot plan how a relationship will develop, and I hoped that with time she will forget about this logic and we will fall in love with each other.
But as time passed we did not come emotionally close, and any time we developed feelings for each other she repeated the same thing that if she let her feelings take control she will have hard time waiting for me, and she doesn't want to have that problem. At that time the sponsorship time was only 12 months, and I thought it will be fine as the wait will be over soon and she will get over this problem as well.
Few more months passed and the sponsorship time went from 12 months to 20 months. It was really stressful for me because I felt our relationship getting weaker and weaker with time. And even though we did not have emotional connection, we were even losing the excitement and interest in each other that we had in the beginning. I asked her to remove the walls she had put up around herself, so that we can come closer and support each other, because now the wait was getting really long and I felt this is the time we can really use to make our relationship stronger.
This time she changed her logic and said its not just the wait, that she will find hard if she comes emotionally close to me, she explained that because in her past all the people that she had loved have gone away from her so now she can not let anyone come close to her anymore. She gave the examples of her sister who got married and went to Canada, and her brother who left for England to study, and when she was very young she had friends in her neighborhood but when her family moved she lost her friends. When I tried really hard to get her out of this shell, she said that she can only get over it once we are physically close.
Dealing with this situation, I was not just losing my mind I was also losing my health. I lost lot of weight, and felt really drained of energy all the time. Saw a doctor and I was diagnosed with ulcer in my stomach. But even then I did not lose hope and kept positive and kept trying to be close to her. I shared this issue with one of my friends and he suggested that if my wife thinks that physical closeness will end her psychological issues then I should ask her to apply for a visit visa.
I was really excited about this idea, and I called her the minute I came home. He reaction to this idea really surprised me, she was not excited at all and told me that she does not want to come to Canada until she gets her sponsorship completed. At that time I had lost all patience with her, and I stopped putting any effort in the relationship. I thought if I step back maybe she will do the effort to come close to me. Talking on the phone from two or three times a day we went to talking two or three time a week, then few weeks later it became once a week and then it became once a month.
At this time it had already been more then one year since our Nikkah and I had never shared this issue with anyone in the family. At that time I thought maybe if I tell my mother and her mother, they can tell her to make the change in her personality. Her mother she said that her daughter was right because it was only Nikkah and we were not really married so I should not expect too much from her. She said that it is because she is shy and she will get over it after we start living together.
I tried to explain to her mother all the problems but she did not see it my way. So I told them that either my wife will make the change in herself or she will not come to Canada because right now it is only Nikkah but once we are fully married, her personality will destroy both of our lives. But even after this she kept saying that she need to keep limitations between us and things between us did not improve.
After one and a half year into our relationship we had another big fight when she told be the same thing. This time her mother and her told me that she will not repeat these things and will do the effort to make this relationship stronger. Again time passed and even though she never said that she can not be emotionally close to me but she never did any efforts to create any kind of emotional closeness between us.
Last week I asked her, "dont you think its strange that in two years we never said love you to each other" She got really annoyed and asked me "why do you want a relationship in which we say love you to each other all the time?" I said I am not complaining that we don't say it all the time, I am saying we NEVER said it. She said she is not expressive like this... She said she is happy with the relationship the way it is and if I am not happy the problem is really only in my head. And that I should be happy with what I have instead of worrying about what I don't have.
In a way she was right, only if I could stop worrying about what I did not have, I could have lived my life happily. But how can I be happy without love in my life? In my heart I knew she will never love me, and we will live our lives like roommates, talking to each other only when we need to, nothing more nothing less. After I made the decision, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my chest, at that time I knew I made the right decision.
I always thought I will be leaving this forum under happier circumstances, and I am sad to be leaving like this, but if anyone still needs to contact me, you can send me PM and I will make sure to answer it. Love all the friends here who always took time to help and support me.
Bye guys
hai na.
