IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

@cansha Kindly review this essay. Please let me know the ways in which I can improve to make it worth 8/8.5.

In some areas of the US, a ‘curfrew’ is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult.

What is your opinion about this?

Given reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

In certain areas of US, adolescents are curtailed from venturing outdoors, during specific hours of night, unless they are along with an adult. In my view, this stringent rule not only helps to reduce road accidents but also curbs drug trafficking cases in the society.

Preventing teenagers from driving during specific time period of night, to start with, helps to dramatically reduce road mishaps caused by drunken driving as they are the ones who, mostly, overlook road safety rules. Also, this shall push adults to supervise their wards and help them drive responsibly. In addition, this move helps in minimizing the number of teenage drivers who have no experience in driving whatsoever. Therefore, this results in safer roads without having to invest more in increasing traffic police force.

Keeping adolescents away from streets unless otherwise supervised, will thwart the serious problem of drug trafficking which can, consequently, help reduce the substance abuse cases in the community. Until the distribution network of drugs, in which teenagers often play a major role, is disintegrated, it is impossible to address the drug menace. An example of this is the lock down imposed by Ohio state police in order to restrict teenagers during the night hours which eventually brought down the illegal drug related crimes by 40% over a span of a year.

To sum up, restricting teenagers to their homes in certain period during night is an effective way to keep the crime rate low and roads safe.

My feedback is same as previous essay. Do not write one liner conclusions.

Other than that flow is good in this essay also. I think you took really extreme approach with the essay and may be that was not required like directly linking it to road safety and drug issues. I probably would have never thought of linking drug trafficking with this topic. May be when you are done writing an essay look for other essays on same topic to see what ideas other people have written. This way when you get similar topic on exam you have different ideas to pick from. But, ideas were well explained and supported. However, you are using far too many commas to make your sentences look complex. While there were no issues in this essay you may want to avoid doing that as chances of mistakes are high. If you are confident than sure go ahead and do it but still don't over do it in like every sentence.

Overall, this could fetch a 7 but to be sure make sure you are writing better conclusion paragraphs. That is extremely important.

 

[marosa]

Please review:


Employers should give longer holidays to employees to help them do their job more efficiently. To what extent do you agree or disagree?



In today’s competitive professional world, managing employee leaves is becoming a challenging task for most organisations. There is an opinion that staff should be allowed longer vacations for more effective on job performance. I agree with this notion as doing so will refuel an employee physically and mentally and will also improve his loyalty towards the company.

To begin with, taking a scheduled long break from work is indeed crucial for regrouping and refuelling an employee. While I concede that a company may face short-term objectives deficit situation, it can be managed easily with efficient leaves scheduling. It is even advisable by the company’s HR policy to consume the leaves before the year ends. By availing long work leaves, an employee will find adequate spare time to spend with family and friends, resulting in better mental and physical health.

Furthermore, rewarding a worker with work break benefits increases his loyalty towards the company. It is a general phenomenon that professional world relies on output from both staff members and management. The encouragement an employee gets from benefits like paid holidays leaves the barrier of ownership on him, and he then bounces backs even harder for individual and company’s goals. As a result, the overall productivity increases as tasks are either finished on time or before time.

To conclude, although longer work breaks create a challenging situation for employers, it can be overcome by effective work-leave management as planned breaks are mandatory for an employee’s personal and professional growth in the long run.

In BP1, I am almost sure you should not mention a potential disadvantage of the idea you support. But what you can do especially for question like "to what extent do you agree", you can say that you "MAINLY agree". And then devote 1 short paragraph to the potential demerit, like losses business MAY carry, when the employee goes to a paid leave, and 2 more paragraphs to the advantages like staff's health and loyalty. In this case, you may end your new BP1 with the idea that those costs "can be managed easily with efficient leaves scheduling".

In BP2, how about you add an example, saying that many companies choose to provide their employees Friday leaves, during the periods when the workload is comparably low, or any other practical example. By doing this your essay will also get a bit longer, it's dangerous to have 250 words strictly, you should target 270-280 words, this way you will ensure no surprises come up at the exam, when you're done with your essay, but it appears not to be long enough and then you just start adding irrelevant info in a hurry.

P.S. I hope more experienced members will correct me if I'm wrong.)))

 

[AB17]

I am so disappointed Scored 7 again in writing but couldn't get score 8 is listening.

 

[Sandeep9788]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th

Please review this essay too and highlight the areas of improvement

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result.

Why do many working people not get enough exercise?

What can be done about this problem?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

An increasing number of employees are not giving importance to fitness, in their daily schedule, therefore, leading to health issues. This problem is primarily because of time constraint and lack of awareness among them; However, it can be resolved if employers as well as government takes initiatives with regards to health.

A fundamental reason due to which working people do not get to exercise is their hectic lifestyle. What is more, the long working hours leave them with no energy to even eat let alone take care of fitness. Furthermore, over the weekends, they cater to the needs of the family leaving them with no scope to participate in fitness related activities. Thus, fitness is never a part of their daily routines.

To curtail this problem, employers need to step-up and conduct events or awareness drives related to fitness, such as marathons. Additionally, the participants ought to be appreciated and incentivized which will encourage them to imbibe exercise as a habit. By the same token, government needs to launch nationwide health campaign and help organize community level gatherings which inculcate knowledge on long-term health benefits of working out. A brilliant example of this is the international yoga day campaign launched by government of India which emphasizes the importance of yoga and the role it plays in improving physical growth.

As lack of time and knowledge on importance of health, to sum up, are the reasons for working population not practicing healthy routines, it is only with the synergized initiatives of employers and government, towards fitness, that this problem can be mitigated.

I'll be greatful if someone can review this essay and provide feedback

 

[marosa]

I am so disappointed Scored 7 again in writing but couldn't get score 8 is listening.

I’ve always thought listening skills are all about practicing, no? You may want to use online resources like ielts-up just to do as many listening tests as you can.

If the problem is with understanding what they’re saying when they talk too fast, you can also watch movies in English, if you haven’t done so yet. If you have issues with tying the text to the questions, you can use subtitles and spend time on understanding why the answer for a particular question is let’s say A and not B. They often paraphrase questions.

 

[AB17]

I’ve always thought listening skills are all about practicing, no? You may want to use online resources like ielts-up just to do as many listening tests as you can.

If the problem is with understanding what they’re saying when they talk too fast, you can also watch movies in English, if you haven’t done so yet. If you have issues with tying the text to the questions, you can use subtitles and spend time on understanding why the answer for a particular question is let’s say A and not B. They often paraphrase questions.

Thanks buddy, I already watch lot of english tv series. I feel the issue is with concentrating on listening and interpreting what could be the answer at same time. In practice tests sometimes i score 8 sometimes below 8 but mostly i get wrong answers in section 2 and 3. Infact i am fine with section 4 as there are straightforward answers and i hardly make mistake in it.

 

[marosa]

I'll be greatful if someone can review this essay and provide feedback

Hi!

I’m not an expert but just few points.

- in the intro you mention 2 causes (time constraint and lack of awareness) and 2 solutions (events by employers and government campaigns), meaning that you’re further going to elaborate on both of the causes and both solutions. However I don’t see where you’ve disclosed the “lack of awareness” part. So you should either exclude that part from your intro and conclusion or add it to your BP. In this case you might even want to add a separate BP for the separate main idea. Though I wouldn’t do that)))

- if I got such a question on the exam day I would probably have separate BP’s for employers and the government. To me those are two different solutions, that are not interrelated, so I’m not sure if switching from one idea to the other within one BP is a good idea. At the same time, you need to understand that the question is solely about working people, so discussing what government can do for the whole population MAY be considered a bit off topic. OR you may argue that it also relates to self-employed ppl/freelancers and so for them measures taken by governments and local authorities can be relevant.

In your essay you have a clear position that people who work don’t have time to exercise. That’s your main idea 1, which is covered in BP1. This can be solved if, for example, companies give employees time to practice. Here you can even bring an example that many companies nowadays organize in-office yoga classes during lunchtime, which rapidly increases the number of working people who practice sports.

Or if I wanted to keep both solutions for the single cause, I would have the following structure:

BP1
Both employees and freelancers spend an overwhelming number of hours working so, no time is left for sports (basically whatever you’ve written in BP1).

BP2
Businesses can help employees by promoting healthy lifestyle. Since their employees spent most of the time at work. This can include organizing in-office classes, or providing free gym subscriptions, like many companies already do.

BP3
On the other hand, there’s a growing number of self-employed people, who don’t have access to the above-mentioned corporate benefits. For them government can ensure sports becomes a part of the routine by organising sports-related campaigns. E.g. yoga day in India.

What do you think?

 

[marosa]

Thanks buddy, I already watch lot of english tv series. I feel the issue is with concentrating on listening and interpreting what could be the answer at same time. In practice tests sometimes i score 8 sometimes below 8 but mostly i get wrong answers in section 2 and 3. Infact i am fine with section 4 as there are straightforward answers and i hardly make mistake in it.

If it’s about lack of focus - do practice a lot, that really helps. Use any resource available, there are even sample tests on youtube)))

For interpreting their answers - reading what you’ve just listened to can fix that issue. Once you become comfortable with the way they paraphrase, you will be able to nail any test. Their approach in paraphrasing is always the same regardless of the topic.

 

[AB17]

If it’s about lack of focus - do practice a lot, that really helps. Use any resource available, there are even sample tests on youtube)))

For interpreting their answers - reading what you’ve just listened to can fix that issue. Once you become comfortable with the way they paraphrase, you will be able to nail any test. Their approach in paraphrasing is always the same regardless of the topic.

Good idea! Will focus on paraphrasing tacts they use in listening tests. Identifying them will definitely help.
Thanks.

 

[sandeepkumar9788]

Hi!

I’m not an expert but just few points.

- in the intro you mention 2 causes (time constraint and lack of awareness) and 2 solutions (events by employers and government campaigns), meaning that you’re further going to elaborate on both of the causes and both solutions. However I don’t see where you’ve disclosed the “lack of awareness” part. So you should either exclude that part from your intro and conclusion or add it to your BP. In this case you might even want to add a separate BP for the separate main idea. Though I wouldn’t do that)))

- if I got such a question on the exam day I would probably have separate BP’s for employers and the government. To me those are two different solutions, that are not interrelated, so I’m not sure if switching from one idea to the other within one BP is a good idea. At the same time, you need to understand that the question is solely about working people, so discussing what government can do for the whole population MAY be considered a bit off topic. OR you may argue that it also relates to self-employed ppl/freelancers and so for them measures taken by governments and local authorities can be relevant.

In your essay you have a clear position that people who work don’t have time to exercise. That’s your main idea 1, which is covered in BP1. This can be solved if, for example, companies give employees time to practice. Here you can even bring an example that many companies nowadays organize in-office yoga classes during lunchtime, which rapidly increases the number of working people who practice sports.

Or if I wanted to keep both solutions for the single cause, I would have the following structure:

BP1
Both employees and freelancers spend an overwhelming number of hours working so, no time is left for sports (basically whatever you’ve written in BP1).

BP2
Businesses can help employees by promoting healthy lifestyle. Since their employees spent most of the time at work. This can include organizing in-office classes, or providing free gym subscriptions, like many companies already do.

BP3
On the other hand, there’s a growing number of self-employed people, who don’t have access to the above-mentioned corporate benefits. For them government can ensure sports becomes a part of the routine by organising sports-related campaigns. E.g. yoga day in India.

What do you think?

Thanks a ton for the feedback mate. Its really helpful

 

[CA GURPREET SINGH MANN]

@cansha

Greetings of the day!

This is the very first time I checked this thread. I appeared IELTS 12 times and applied for rechecking almost every time. I am stuck at writing 6.5 despite several efforts. My last exam result was L8.5 R 8.5 S8.5 W 6.5. EOR unsuccessful. I got 7 in writing 2 times when I messed my listening and got 7.5.

If any one can help me with providing their expert comments, it would be of great help!
I wrote this essay in 30 minutes.

The number of people who wear fashionable clothes are increasing. Is it a good or bad situation?

An increasing number of people prefers to wear branded clothes. Since wearing designer dresses fosters self-confidence in individuals and helps in creating more jobs in a society, I think this is a positive trend.

Foremost, it is believed by many a man that fashionable clothes are costly because they include superior materials and expert services of dress designers. Owing to this, many people cannot afford to buy them, and they resort to other unbranded and generic articles. However, due to cut-throat competition, prices of branded items are nowadays kept reasonable so that they are within the budget of non-affluent persons.

However, people feel superior when they wear branded shirts, trousers or suits than those who do not. As a result, they perform better in their jobs with stress-free mind and increased self-esteem. For example, People performed better in interviews and presentation sessions when they wore formal and presentable branded clothes as claimed by Deloitte last year.

Moreover, when more individuals prefer to be more fashionable, it thrives society. Numbers of textile industries, fashion designers, boutiques and related cottage industries surge to cope up with the increasing demand. As a result, more jobs will be available in the market, reducing unemployment and benefitting fashion industry. To exemplify, available job opportunities increased manifolds in India when number of major apparel giants increased from 21 to 52 in last a few years.

In conclusion, fashionable clothes are preferred by people from all walks of life than traditional and conventional clothing. This trend boosts psychological state of mind and help in growing society by providing more job opportunities.


Please let me know (WHENEVER YOU ARE FREE) what specific areas should I improve to get 8777.

Thanks

 

[AB17]

@cansha

Greetings of the day!

This is the very first time I checked this thread. I appeared IELTS 12 times and applied for rechecking almost every time. I am stuck at writing 6.5 despite several efforts. My last exam result was L8.5 R 8.5 S8.5 W 6.5. EOR unsuccessful. I got 7 in writing 2 times when I messed my listening and got 7.5.

If any one can help me with providing their expert comments, it would be of great help!
I wrote this essay in 30 minutes.

The number of people who wear fashionable clothes are increasing. Is it a good or bad situation?

An increasing number of people prefers to wear branded clothes. Since wearing designer dresses fosters self-confidence in individuals and helps in creating more jobs in a society, I think this is a positive trend.

Foremost, it is believed by many a man that fashionable clothes are costly because they include superior materials and expert services of dress designers. Owing to this, many people cannot afford to buy them, and they resort to other unbranded and generic articles. However, due to cut-throat competition, prices of branded items are nowadays kept reasonable so that they are within the budget of non-affluent persons.

However, people feel superior when they wear branded shirts, trousers or suits than those who do not. As a result, they perform better in their jobs with stress-free mind and increased self-esteem. For example, People performed better in interviews and presentation sessions when they wore formal and presentable branded clothes as claimed by Deloitte last year.

Moreover, when more individuals prefer to be more fashionable, it thrives society. Numbers of textile industries, fashion designers, boutiques and related cottage industries surge to cope up with the increasing demand. As a result, more jobs will be available in the market, reducing unemployment and benefiting fashion industry. To exemplify, available job opportunities increased manifolds in India when number of major apparel giants increased from 21 to 52 in last a few years.

In conclusion, fashionable clothes are preferred by people from all walks of life than traditional and conventional clothing. This trend boosts psychological state of mind and help in growing society by providing more job opportunities.


Please let me know (WHENEVER YOU ARE FREE) what specific areas should I improve to get 8777.

Thanks

Hopefully, someone will provide a more detailed evaluation for your essay but here are my 2 cents.
Its not a research paper, they are asking for your opinion and things written in red above, have really no place in an opinion-based essay.
Your first paragraph is irrelevant to the essay subject. Second paragraph, you used superiority as a alternative to confidence and there you lose marks for choice of words. In third paragraph, you should have said it thrives economy and not society. Followed by it generates jobs in all the industries you mentioned, instead of saying they "cope up" with the demand. More Jobs ~ reduce unemployment ~ benefit economy(blue part). Overall you are losing marking in reasoning. Also, in conclusion you mentioned preference over traditional clothing, whereas your essay doesn't talks about it. Its a very basic mistake to not get 7.

 

[marosa]

Hi!

Please see in red.

Oh and please somebody correct me if I'm wrong.))))

@cansha

Greetings of the day!

This is the very first time I checked this thread. I appeared IELTS 12 times and applied for rechecking almost every time. I am stuck at writing 6.5 despite several efforts. My last exam result was L8.5 R 8.5 S8.5 W 6.5. EOR unsuccessful. I got 7 in writing 2 times when I messed my listening and got 7.5.

If any one can help me with providing their expert comments, it would be of great help!
I wrote this essay in 30 minutes.

The number of people who wear fashionable clothes are increasing. Is it a good or bad situation?

An increasing number of people prefers to wear branded clothes. Since wearing designer dresses fosters self-confidence in individuals and helps in creating more jobs in a society, I think this is a positive trend. Maybe you would want to add something like “despite some demerits”, just to show you’re going to talk about the opposite side as well? Though that’s not mandatory.

Foremost (Me personally, I’m a fan of the word “admittedly”, when it comes to describing an idea that I’m not supporting. This way I’m like showing that ok, I admit there is such a situation, but still there are more important factors, such as BP2, BP3. But that's just me ), it is believed by many a man that fashionable clothes are costly because they include superior materials and expert services of dress designers. Owing to this, many people cannot afford to buy them, and they resort to other unbranded and generic articles. However, due to cut-throat competition, prices of branded items are nowadays kept reasonable so that they are within the budget of non-affluent persons.

However (“on the other hand”? Just not to use “however” twice in a row), people feel superior (isn't this too extreme?) when they wear branded shirts, trousers or suits than (as compared to?) those who do not. As a result, they ("can" or "are more likely to"?) perform better in their jobs with stress-free mind and increased self-esteem. For example, People performed better in interviews and presentation sessions when they wore formal and presentable branded clothes as claimed by Deloitte last year.

Moreover, when more individuals prefer to be more fashionable, it thrives society (2 “mores” in one sentence may be a sign of a limited vocabulary. In general, why not paraphrase the sentence into something like “Moreover, when/along with more individuals give/giving preference to fashionable clothing, the society can benefit in terms of fewer jobless people.”). Numbers of textile industries, fashion designers, boutiques and related cottage industries surge to cope up with the increasing demand. As a result, more jobs will be available in the market, reducing unemployment and benefitting fashion industry. To exemplify, available job opportunities increased manifolds in India when number of major apparel giants increased from 21 to 52 in last a few years.

In conclusion, fashionable clothes are preferred by people from all walks of life than traditional and conventional clothing. This trend boosts psychological state of mind and help in growing society by providing more job opportunities.


Please let me know (WHENEVER YOU ARE FREE) what specific areas should I improve to get 8777.

Thanks

 

[CA GURPREET SINGH MANN]

Hopefully, someone will provide a more detailed evaluation for your essay but here are my 2 cents.
Its not a research paper, they are asking for your opinion and things written in red above, have really no place in an opinion-based essay.
Your first paragraph is irrelevant to the essay subject. Second paragraph, you used superiority as a alternative to confidence and there you lose marks for choice of words. In third paragraph, you should have said it thrives economy and not society. Followed by it generates jobs in all the industries you mentioned, instead of saying they "cope up" with the demand. More Jobs ~ reduce unemployment ~ benefit economy(blue part). Overall you are losing marking in reasoning. Also, in conclusion you mentioned preference over traditional clothing, whereas your essay doesn't talks about it. Its a very basic mistake to not get 7.

1. Sir, I always try to write 2 main paras to support my opinion. However, I think I must add opposite view also and contradict it to show my argumentative skills also along with supporting skills. Is writing 2 main BP's and support them or write 2 main and one opposite view is good for opinion essays?
2. I will try to add simpler examples that goes with flow and do not sound absurd that you may have felt.
3. I'll try to work on synonyms but I think due to exam pressures these errors may happen. I thinking practicing more is a key here.
Thanks so much!

 

[marosa]

Its not a research paper, they are asking for your opinion and things written in red above, have really no place in an opinion-based essay.
Your first paragraph is irrelevant to the essay subject.

Tbh I don't see any problem with having the BP1. In general, many tutors say it is ok to give both sides, even if it's an opinion essay. So, even if they ask is smth good or bad in you opinion?, you can still say that even though there's smth bad about this, good prevails, so your opinion is that it's good. Maybe more research should be done on this question? Because it seems ok to me.

And for "to what extent do you agree" question that's the safest thing to do. That's when you say you MAINLY agree and then go with both sides.