IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Moeedkh]

HI Cansha,

In the first para, You mentioned u

Okay I reviewed the essay and again had to come back to say this. I understand this is a tough topic. Very tough and different from traditional topics we see here. My suggestion would be that when you are trying to write a new essay type do not time yourself and try to write an essay in 30-35 minutes. Give yourself time to make sure you understand what is needed.



I was happy to see the introduction till Geo-polictical and lifestyle of people. What happened after that? I can't see how the next line is an extension of previous line. What's the relationship?
Doesn't your second line say what is expected in this century? And then you go to two more topics. Okay fine. Let's go ahead and see where it goes.



This is probably the weakest paragraph I have seen from you. You can write much better. You have written much better before!


This para is better than previous one BUT still has similar issues. But still the message is consistent. It is very weak on establishing how it will be different from previous century besides one line on "effective utilization"




The essay doesn't establish anything about dilution of power and new way of living. This is not at the same level as your own previous essays.

I think forget about this essay. Sometimes its just as bad day. Or may be I'm being unjust to the essay. And I'm sorry if that is true.

Wish you all the best!

Okay I reviewed the essay and again had to come back to say this. I understand this is a tough topic. Very tough and different from traditional topics we see here. My suggestion would be that when you are trying to write a new essay type do not time yourself and try to write an essay in 30-35 minutes. Give yourself time to make sure you understand what is needed.



I was happy to see the introduction till Geo-polictical and lifestyle of people. What happened after that? I can't see how the next line is an extension of previous line. What's the relationship?
Doesn't your second line say what is expected in this century? And then you go to two more topics. Okay fine. Let's go ahead and see where it goes.



This is probably the weakest paragraph I have seen from you. You can write much better. You have written much better before!


This para is better than previous one BUT still has similar issues. But still the message is consistent. It is very weak on establishing how it will be different from previous century besides one line on "effective utilization"




The essay doesn't establish anything about dilution of power and new way of living. This is not at the same level as your own previous essays.

I think forget about this essay. Sometimes its just as bad day. Or may be I'm being unjust to the essay. And I'm sorry if that is true.

Wish you all the best!

Hi Cansha,

As you identified some issues of low value sentences in the first para.. I had written first few lines to introduce my idea. So that reader can know why my point in important.

Secondly, I dint go beyond easy dissemination of information because that will digress from the main topic, which is about new happenings in 1st century. if I had explained how it will impact geopolitical than it would have taken the discussion in some other direciton. that was my perception during writing this para and I dont know what went wrong.

However, it looks like the more I am writing the more I am struggling to write better, rather I am degrading. Isnt ?

Rg,
Moeed

 

[Tech_girl123]

advantages

Thanks.. that is of great help ! also since you have mentioned I will also like to ask a very small question...

is myriad of benefits the right usage of the word myriad
or should it be Although there are myriad benefits from their usage?

or both are correct... ?

also with myriad benefits will you suggest to write numerous disadvantages or multitudinous disadvantages rather ?


The points you have suggested are certainly important and ones which we also tend to miss I guess....

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Thanks.. that is of great help ! also since you have mentioned I will also like to ask a very small question...

is myriad of benefits the right usage of the word myriad
or should it be Although there are myriad benefits from their usage?

or both are correct... ?

also with myriad benefits will you suggest to write numerous disadvantages or multitudinous disadvantages rather ?


The points you have suggested are certainly important and ones which we also tend to miss I guess....

I think myriad of benefits is right.
And in your second version if I were you, I would write : Although Mobile phones (or whatever your keyword is) have myriad of benefits,
additionally, I always try to write sentences without there are, there is, because I think they are very common.. please underline I THINK . so this is my thinking, you can ask other members for better feedback. Thanks.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Hello everyone,
I've tried to attempt formal letter this time. Please help to improve my tone in formal letters and other mistakes if any.
Thanks in advance.

You work for a local company. You have seen an advertisement for a training course which will be useful for your job.

Write a letter to your manager. In your letter

Describe the training course you want to do

Explain what the company could do to help you

Say how the course will be useful for your job


Answer:

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter with regards to a two-week training course in advanced graphic designing, that I saw in yesterday's Hindustan Times. This course is especially designed for intermediate level designers to advance their current skills and will be held in France.

As this coaching program will be organized oversees, I would be grateful if you allow me to attend this course and sponsor my two-sided airplane journey as well as accommodation for 14 days. I am aware of the fact it would be tremendously expensive; having said that, I know the policy of our organization clearly mentioned if an employee desire to go abroad for the betterment of company’s future, executives will help him or her in feasible way.

Moreover, this course would be highly lucrative for the company in near future, since after the completion of this course if I apply state-of-the-art designing techniques in our forthcoming projects, our business will become prominent designing firm not only in India, but also around the globe. Thus, I would like you to consider this matter.

I look forward to your favorable response to this letter.

Yours sincerely,

AJS

Word Count : 181

 

[Akhil Soni]

Hi friends,
Kindly evaluate this essay and guide me for areas of improvement in this. Thank you.

Some people believe that a great difference in age between parents and children is more beneficial. Do you think advantage of a greater age difference outweighs the disadvantage?

Over the years, burgeoning popularity of delayed marriages has resulted in huge age gap between parents and their children. While some individuals consider it as more advantageous, from my perspective, the benefits of this trend are eclipsed by its drawbacks.

The only possible advantage of big age difference between two successive generations of a family that can be conceived is better parental care of children in their growing years. The reasons for the better rearing of children by older parents can be attributed to better professional settlement of such parents. Usually, people marry late in order to establish themselves professionally. Therefore, by the time their children enter school, they can contribute more time in the upbringing of their children because they are not struggling to establish a strong footing for themselves professionally. This notion is fortified by a recent research conducted by Oxford University, which concluded that in primary school studies children of middle aged parents, outperformed other children of parents in the age group of 25 – 30 years. Thus, better care of children and adolescents can be perceived as a benefit of this phenomenon.

On the contrary, there are two main drawbacks out of many which outweigh the only advantage discussed above. Firstly, in older age, people become completely dependent on their off springs who are still struggling to create a niche for themselves in the professional world. Many a times, poor health of older parents presents itself as a major obstacle in the career path of such children. In addition, big age difference between these parents and their wards often lead to differences in opinion. This results in quarrels and communication breakdown eventually occurs between the two generations. Consequently, tranquility of domestic environment is damaged.

In conclusion, the impressive upbringing of children by the older parents is the only positive aspect of this trend which is completely overpowered by serious drawbacks like hindered professional growth of their children and hostile interactions due to difference of opinions between the two generations.

Hi cansha and hopeandfaith,
Kindly review this essay also as per your convenience. Thank you.

 

[Tech_girl123]

Hi @cansha and @H0peAndFa1th pls evaluate whenever you have time :

Some people think that environmental problems are too big for individuals to be solved, while others think that individuals cannot solve these environmental problems unless governments make some action.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern society, there is an upsurge of environment related problems. Some people argue that the extent of environmental degradation is so huge that there is very little individuals can do for its betterment. While there are others who claim, that the government and large industries can help reduce this damage. In my opinion, the ecological problems can only be resolved by synergistic efforts of the government and citizens together.

To begin with, it is true that large industries and the government can lower the ecological imbalance to a great extent. Firstly, the government has the power to enforce rules and make sure that it is obeyed. As a result, various activities such as deforestation by large MNCs, emission of hazardous gases by factories and vehicles, waste disposal by large companies, etc which causes myriad environmental problems such as air pollution, water pollution, global warming, global climate change can be curbed. Consequently, if there are stringent laws imposed in place to keep a check on these malicious activities by large companies and individuals, then the current situation can be ameliorated. For instance, when the government passed a law in the city Delhi, to use only CNG (Compressed Natural Gas) as a fuel instead of gasoline for the public transport system, it was obeyed by everyone which reduced the air pollution remarkably.

However, it is also undeniable that there cannot be an improvement in the environment without the efforts of individuals. They contribute to this issue on a daily basis by activities such as bad dumping practices, smoking in public areas, public defecation, deforestation etc.
If people become more compassionate towards their surroundings and take care of their own acts, these problems can be resolved.
For example, smoking in allocated areas only, planting more trees, using paper bags or reusable bags instead of plastic bags, disposing of waste properly, etc are all steps which a citizen can take to enrich their habitat.

To encapsulate, the need of the hour is that members of the society and the government come together and work towards a greener environment by understanding the gravity of the situation. Hence, in my opinion, only the amalgamation of efforts from citizens and the government can result in a better future for our ecosystem.

 

[cansha]

Hi friends,
Kindly evaluate this essay and guide me for areas of improvement in this. Thank you.

Some people believe that a great difference in age between parents and children is more beneficial. Do you think advantage of a greater age difference outweighs the disadvantage?

Sorry for delay. Reviewed three letters and was out of steam. This topic is tough!!! When I read this honestly nothing much struck in the first 3 minutes. I'm generally much faster to create a structure in my mind for an essay.

Okay let's review it.

Over the years, burgeoning popularity of delayed marriages (Okay the phrase sounded a bit wrong. I can't pinpoint what right now) has resulted in huge age gap between parents and their children.
While some individuals consider it as more advantageous, from my perspective, the benefits of this trend are eclipsed by its drawbacks.Super ...something different. Well done!

My suggestion is same old. See the video hope had posted. It was for body paragraphs but it had an example on introduction also. Try and give a glimpse of your essay in introductions to make it better. In its current state it is perfectly fine. But if you want to graduate to next level see the video and try and experiment a little bit.

The only possible advantage of big age difference between two successive generations (ok different words .. good) of a family that can be conceived (strike a balance between nice words and too many words. Nothing wrong in English. just a suggestion) is better parental care of children in their growing years.
The reasons for the better rearing of children by older parents can be attributed to better professional settlement of such parents. See again sentence is fine as such in terms of English. But it "breaks" the flow of idea. Look at your last sentence's end. You end it at "better parental care". Now you start the next sentence the reason for better rearing is ...... . Just start the sentence with your "supporting idea".

Usually, people marry late in order to establish themselves professionally. Therefore, by the time their children enter school, they can contribute more time in the upbringing of their children because they are not struggling to establish a strong footing for themselves professionally.

See the sentence segments highlighted in red . What's the theme "establish themselves professionally". When you tend to repeat same idea again and again you may give an impression to examiner that something is lacking. Don't get me wrong. Your ideas are perfect. I'm just trying to say think how best you can organize the thoughts that you are not repeating phrases. That is the hallmark of good writing. How to do that? Refer back to Hope's video.

This notion is fortified by a recent research conducted by Oxford University, which concluded that in primary school studies children of middle aged parents, outperformed other children of parents in the age group of 25 – 30 years. Thus, better care of children and adolescents can be perceived as a benefit of this phenomenon.

On the contrary, there are two main drawbacks out of many which outweigh the only advantage discussed above. Firstly, in older age, people become completely dependent on their off springs who are still struggling to create a niche for themselves in the professional world.
I know here the idea has been used in different context. But remember the examiner is reading so many essays. He will feel oh this guy is saying same phrase 4 times. But if you had organized previous para better you avoid that.
Many a times, poor health of older parents presents itself as a major obstacle in the career path of such children. In addition, big age difference between these parents and their wards often lead to differences in opinion. This results in quarrels and communication breakdown eventually occurs between the two generations. Consequently, tranquility of domestic environment is damaged.

Okay it may not seem so but I actually liked the ideas and essay. I hope you understand that I'm just trying to point finer points as I think your basics are good. Even with these essays on good day you could score 7+. But you can definitely score an 8 if you improve a bit.

In conclusion, the impressive upbringing (don't know what but need better wording here) of children by the older parents is the only positive aspect of this trend which is completely overpowered by serious drawbacks like hindered professional growth of their children and hostile (too strong word) interactions due to difference of opinions between the two generations.

Difference of opinion between two generations -> is called generation gap. Using that term may have helped.

Look, overall I think you have done a great job for a tough essay topic. I have made some suggestions. If you don't think they are helpful just ignore them. I think you will be able to do well on test.

 

[cansha]

HI Cansha,


However, it looks like the more I am writing the more I am struggling to write better, rather I am degrading. Isnt ?

Rg,
Moeed

There is nothing like that. The fact that you're feeling that way tells me that you're overthinking and over analyzing now. When we start doing something well we want to do it even better and our expectations from ourselves increases. This adds more pressure. It is subconscious but it happens.

May be subconsciously 7 is no longer target for you but it is 8/9. While it is good do not put too much pressure on yourself and over analyze everything. It won't help! Why? Because you won't get the same topic on test. It was a bad day forget it and move on!

And if you want come back to your own essay after 10 days and then see what could have been better. For now try something else. All the best!

 

[cansha]

Thanks.. that is of great help ! also since you have mentioned I will also like to ask a very small question...

is myriad of benefits the right usage of the word myriad
or should it be Although there are myriad benefits from their usage?

or both are correct... ?

also with myriad benefits will you suggest to write numerous disadvantages or multitudinous disadvantages rather ?


The points you have suggested are certainly important and ones which we also tend to miss I guess....

1. Well that made me think! I think both are correct but myriad of is better usage.

2. Yep numerous / multitudinous would be better.

 

[Moeedkh]

There is nothing like that. The fact that you're feeling that way tells me that you're overthinking and over analyzing now. When we start doing something well we want to do it even better and our expectations from ourselves increases. This adds more pressure. It is subconscious but it happens.

May be subconsciously 7 is no longer target for you but it is 8/9. While it is good do not put too much pressure on yourself and over analyze everything. It won't help! Why? Because you won't get the same topic on test. It was a bad day forget it and move on!

And if you want come back to your own essay after 10 days and then see what could have been better. For now try something else. All the best!

Hi Cansha,,

I was reading a sample essay provided by the website from where I picked this topic. The sample essays provided on these sites doesn't seem to be following any fixed format e.g. if you look at the following para, it has suddenly introduced a new topic in the end of para. I dont know why. Also there are no clear examples. I dont know if they actually follow main idea-supporting idea- evidence- conclusion structure ?

"Apart from that, Computers would become more powerful and they will have superior artificial intelligence. We will have robots to do the hazardous works like mining and outer space research. Surprisingly, e-commerce would be in more convenient form and most of the people will purchase online rather than going to shops in person. In the field of education and jobs, dramatic changes would happen. Online learning and freelancing would be very popular and people would be able to earn almost all of their desired degree and diploma staying at home. Finally, the cure for many deadly diseases would be invented and yet new diseases may spread to cause some deadly catastrophic results."

Rg,
Moeed

 

[cansha]

Hi Cansha,,

I was reading a sample essay provided by the website from where I picked this topic. The sample essays provided on these sites doesn't seem to be following any fixed format e.g. if you look at the following para, it has suddenly introduced a new topic in the end of para. I dont know why. Also there are no clear examples. I dont know if they actually follow main idea-supporting idea- evidence- conclusion structure ?

"Apart from that, Computers would become more powerful and they will have superior artificial intelligence. We will have robots to do the hazardous works like mining and outer space research. Surprisingly, e-commerce would be in more convenient form and most of the people will purchase online rather than going to shops in person. In the field of education and jobs, dramatic changes would happen. Online learning and freelancing would be very popular and people would be able to earn almost all of their desired degree and diploma staying at home. Finally, the cure for many deadly diseases would be invented and yet new diseases may spread to cause some deadly catastrophic results."

Rg,
Moeed

Yes but this is a different form of writing. The author is not relying on a single main idea. He is giving a list of self explanatory examples. Each line is a new example with clear wording.

See two ideas. He says computers will be more powerful and something on AI. And then gives example this means robots will do this.
Another idea jobs and education sector will change. And in next line supports and gives example how.

There is no set formula per se of essay writing. Most important point is you need to be on topic.

Most people suggest main idea, supporting line ... structure because then that it is relatively easy to write. You just need to think one idea.

He has written 4. Read it and see if anything is unclear.

A bad essay is when you say technology will change the education sector. And just leave it there and don't answer how ? and why?

 

[Moeedkh]

Hi Cansha,

One more issue with me using 'would' in my writing. I am still not clear how and when to use 'would'. I have read some tutorials and below are some guidelines, but still I scare of from using 'would' in the following way. What is that missing ? under what criteria would is used here ?

"My preference would be to live close to my workplace, which is in central London, as it would save a lot of time. If I could get something near the tube station and the marketplace, that would be great. I am mostly looking for a furnished studio apartment. If the studio apartment is not available, I would not mind sharing a flat with a girl. But the apartment should be spacious with good ventilation facility. My budget is around $1000 pound for the studio apartment and half of that for the shared room. Do you think I will get something in that budget?"


Would Uses :


1. Polite request/ preference/ questions.

Tell me the time, would you ?

Would you mind getting me a sandwitch ?

2. An repeated/habitual action in the past. (in place of used to)

He would jog only on the weekends when he was young

3. Talking about an imaginary situation.

What would you do if you could read people’s thoughts

I would help you if I could

She would be here, but she has too much work at the moment.

If I won, the lottery I would….

What would you have said if she has seen you ?

I wouldn’t have come if I had known it was going to go on so late.

He wouldn’t have been much help anyway


4. Use would as the past tense of will in the reported speech.

My friend promised me she would be on time, she said she would get an earlier bus.she said she would arrive by 3pm


5. Use would to mean “refused to do something” ( in the past)

He asked him but he would not help me.

They wouldn’t give my money back, even though I had the receipt.

My car wouldn’t start this morning.

When he tried to show me, the file wouldn’t open.

6. Use would for opinion or hope.

 

[cansha]

Hi Cansha,

One more issue with me using 'would' in my writing. I am still not clear how and when to use 'would'. I have read some tutorials and below are some guidelines, but still I scare of from using 'would' in the following way. What is that missing ? under what criteria would is used here ?

"My preference would be to live close to my workplace, which is in central London, as it would save a lot of time. If I could get something near the tube station and the marketplace, that would be great. I am mostly looking for a furnished studio apartment. If the studio apartment is not available, I would not mind sharing a flat with a girl. But the apartment should be spacious with good ventilation facility. My budget is around $1000 pound for the studio apartment and half of that for the shared room. Do you think I will get something in that budget?"


Would Uses :


1. Polite request/ preference/ questions.

Tell me the time, would you ?

Would you mind getting me a sandwitch ?

2. An repeated/habitual action in the past. (in place of used to)

He would jog only on the weekends when he was young

3. Talking about an imaginary situation.

What would you do if you could read people’s thoughts

I would help you if I could

She would be here, but she has too much work at the moment.

If I won, the lottery I would….

What would you have said if she has seen you ?

I wouldn’t have come if I had known it was going to go on so late.

He wouldn’t have been much help anyway


4. Use would as the past tense of will in the reported speech.

My friend promised me she would be on time, she said she would get an earlier bus.she said she would arrive by 3pm


5. Use would to mean “refused to do something” ( in the past)

He asked him but he would not help me.

They wouldn’t give my money back, even though I had the receipt.

My car wouldn’t start this morning.

When he tried to show me, the file wouldn’t open.

6. Use would for opinion or hope.

You have all the rules here. Sorry I didn’t understand the question.

 

[cansha]

Hello everyone,
I've tried to attempt formal letter this time. Please help to improve my tone in formal letters and other mistakes if any.
Thanks in advance.

You work for a local company. You have seen an advertisement for a training course which will be useful for your job.

Write a letter to your manager. In your letter

Describe the training course you want to do

Explain what the company could do to help you

Say how the course will be useful for your job


Answer:

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter with regards to a two-week training course in advanced graphic designing, that I saw in yesterday's Hindustan Times. This course is especially designed for intermediate level designers to advance their current skills and will be held in France. May be mention when the course will be conducted? like next month, quarter etc. In real life you would tell your boss when is the course.

Good!

So I see you are following the suggested order from the task. But, I think you should have flipped para two and three for better letter. It will have better continuity. Task response is judged on whether you have answered all questions and not if you answered in the same order.

As this coaching program will be organized oversees, (this line is little redundant also, France is overseas is understood) I would be grateful if you allow me to attend this course and sponsor my two-sided airplane journey (bad choice of words. Native English speaker would just say return airfare) as well as accommodation for 14 days. I am aware of the fact it would be tremendously expensive; having said that, I know the policy of our organization clearly mentioned if an employee desire to go abroad for the betterment of company’s future, executives will help him or her in feasible way. Nothing wrong per se. But would you write such a line to your boss? Consider task 1 letters as simulation of your real life scenarios. Even if you want it to write "in exam way" may be just write as per HR policy employee need approval from manager for such trips. Could you please provide me the approval. Something like that.

As I said if I / you were to write this in real life we would probably tell advantages of course first. It seems more "logical" so just switch the order.

Moreover, this course would be highly lucrative for the company in near future, since after the completion of this course if I apply state-of-the-art designing techniques in our forthcoming projects, our business will become prominent designing firm not only in India, but also around the globe.
See the line is fine and fulfills the task response also. But my advice would be that in future in such letters think simple and do not claim big things like business will be known around the world and all. Would you ever write such a thing in real life? if you disagree, ignore! Because this is fine English wise.

Thus, I would like you to consider this matter. You are writing to your manager and not a government department. Why such lines?

I look forward to your favorable response to this letter. Again unnecessary I feel.

Yours sincerely,

AJS
Word Count : 181

May be it seems like too many comments. Take away is very simple. Treat such tasks as real life scenarios and you will do well.

 

[cansha]

#cansha be unjust and harsh with my essay and also with me... I'm bullet proof and made with adamantium

Unjust and harsh are never my intentions. So, I just keep giving that disclaimer.
You're Wolverine ... understood!!

First: the prompt was little confusing to me, it was not clear what needed to be discussed only effects (positive or negative) or talk about the medical advance a little more, or both.., anyway I did my "best". I know is simple and bad, just beg for confirmation... maybe I can hit a 6.5..

Prompt:
Modern medical science has made it possible to combat many diseases. This is one reason that people are living longer lives now than they did in the past. Discuss the effects this might have on society.

Support your answers with reasons and examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Essay:

In my opinion, both approaches are fine. You can talk a little about what sort of advancements have happened. But main focus needs to be on effects.

Life expectancy has increased considerably thanks to the latest advance advancement in medicine to prevent a number of countless (Really bad phrasing either say a number of or say countless. Choose one and you would be fine) diseases.
Although it is a positive achieve achievement for individual, (I don't get the first part of sentence) it could end up affecting negatively (Switch the order of these two words negatively affecting) to society, inasmuch as world's population might increase significantly, (I get the idea but phrasing is not good)
and local governments would have to increase taxes to cover an overloaded public services.

Idea of the introduction is spot on. But there are quite a few errors and some sentences could be formed simpler for better understanding.

To begin with, (Hope's video is popular) now that there is a sustained growth in longevity, the number of humans on earth inevitably will rise. Under this scenario basic resources, particularly food, would be in high demand. This could provoke a shortage of food at global scale, badly affecting developing countries. Think of ways where you can put your idea in the beginning of para rather than hidden in the third sentence.

In fact, a report released on in the last quarter of 2017 by the UN organization, shows that a whopping 25% of people population are suffering of malnutrition in South America, where regular diet consisted mainly in carbs since great part of their fruits and vegetables production are sent to richer countries, where, curiously, the longest-lived people live. (This is so confusing. I get the idea but again bad wording)

Idea is good!

What is more, if people live far beyond the retirement age, they won't (Why a contraction in task 2 formal essay? ) contribute to the economic economy at all. However, they will still need to use the public services such as transportation, medical health care, etc. As a direct consequence, not only public services will collapse, but also more manpower will be needed to attend the increased number of users, so public administrations would irremediably have to raise taxes as a quick way to face that unexpected cost.

Fine. Can you write more clearly? Yes. Because you have written better in some of your previous essays. Read your own previous essays. I can understand this may not have been your best attempt as you were confused by the topic. It happens. No need to worry!

All things considered, increasing the life expectancy represents definitely a quantum leap in medical field; however, society might witnessed witness a food shortfall and an unexpected tax increase.

(268 words)

6.5 is too small a target for you. You can get much more than that. You have shown glimpses of that in your past essays. All the best!