IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Akhil Soni]

Sorry for delay. Reviewed three letters and was out of steam. This topic is tough!!! When I read this honestly nothing much struck in the first 3 minutes. I'm generally much faster to create a structure in my mind for an essay.

Okay let's review it.



My suggestion is same old. See the video hope had posted. It was for body paragraphs but it had an example on introduction also. Try and give a glimpse of your essay in introductions to make it better. In its current state it is perfectly fine. But if you want to graduate to next level see the video and try and experiment a little bit.





Okay it may not seem so but I actually liked the ideas and essay. I hope you understand that I'm just trying to point finer points as I think your basics are good. Even with these essays on good day you could score 7+. But you can definitely score an 8 if you improve a bit.



Difference of opinion between two generations -> is called generation gap. Using that term may have helped.

Look, overall I think you have done a great job for a tough essay topic. I have made some suggestions. If you don't think they are helpful just ignore them. I think you will be able to do well on test.

Hi Cansha,
First of all thank you so much for being so kind to help all of us out here. There could be no words to express our gratitude for this selfless work of yours. I found your observations pertinent and logical. I agree repetition of same phrase, even though, with an intent to use it in different situation can be perceived to be a central idea. That may harm our task response. These nuances of essay writing are essential to get at least a 7, which I am longing for a quite some time now. Thank you much for your help.

 

[cansha]

Hi Cansha,
First of all thank you so much for being so kind to help all of us out here. There could be no words to express our gratitude for this selfless work of yours. I found your observations pertinent and logical. I agree repetition of same phrase, even though, with an intent to use it in different situation can be perceived to be a central idea. That may harm our task response. These nuances of essay writing are essential to get at least a 7, which I am longing for a quite some time now. Thank you much for your help.

Credit is all yours buddy. Writing essay is tough and then getting it reviewed is even tougher and requires guts and open mind. My job is relatively easier.
I hope all of you score great and move on to the next stage.

 

[cansha]

Thank you @cansha

commercial was typing mistake sorry,it was communal actually.

and what could be an alternative to = don't require to carry
I tried this : you don't need to bring warm clothes or you don't need warm clothes (simple).

any suggestions ??

Last one works well. Keep it simple.

 

[Moeedkh]

You have all the rules here. Sorry I didn’t understand the question.

Can you tell which rule is applied in this para ? I am not able to figure how 'would' is used other than polite request one

Rg,
Moeed

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Hello @cansha ,

I reattempted formal letter after considering your suggestions. Please evaluate it. Thanks in advance

You work for a local company. You have seen an advertisement for a training course which will be useful for your job.

Write a letter to your manager. In your letter

Describe the training course you want to do

Explain what the company could do to help you

Say how the course will be useful for your job


Answer:

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter with regards to a two-week training course in advanced graphic designing, which I recently read in Hindustan Times’ classifieds. This coaching program will be conducted in France and starting from next month and is designed for intermediate level designers, like me, to advance their current prowess.

I would be appreciative if you would allow me to attend this course since this would be highly lucrative not only for my personal, but also for professional growth. On top of it, this course includes state-of-the-art designing strategies, which will be tremendously serviceable in company’s progress if applied in forthcoming projects.

As this course will be organized out of India, it would be unmanageable for me to bear all the expenses. Nevertheless, if firm could sponsor my training course in terms of return airfare and accommodation for 14 days, I can easily manage the costs related to this.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Agamjot Singh

Word Count : 157

 

[cansha]

Can you tell which rule is applied in this para ? I am not able to figure how 'would' is used other than polite request one

Rg,
Moeed

Ok understood. Your list of uses of would is little incomplete. See this link https://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verbs-modal-would.htm



"My preference would be to live close to my workplace, - would for desire or inclination
which is in central London, as it would save a lot of time. - would for presumption or expectation

If I could get something near the tube station and the marketplace, that would be great. would for desire or inclination /
would for opinion or hope

I am mostly looking for a furnished studio apartment. If the studio apartment is not available, I would not mind sharing a flat with a girl. - would for opinion or hope

 

[cansha]

Hello @cansha ,

I reattempted formal letter after considering your suggestions. Please evaluate it. Thanks in advance

You work for a local company. You have seen an advertisement for a training course which will be useful for your job.

Write a letter to your manager. In your letter

Describe the training course you want to do

Explain what the company could do to help you

Say how the course will be useful for your job


Answer:

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter with regards to a two-week training course in advanced graphic designing, which I recently read in Hindustan Times’ classifieds. This coaching program will be conducted in France and starting from next month If you were writing it to your actual boss you would want to be more clear. example will be conducted in France in November starting 5th Nov to 16th Nov.
and is designed for intermediate level designers, like me, to advance their current prowess.

I would be appreciative if you would allow me to attend this course since this would be highly lucrative helpful not only for my personal, (I have seen this mistake before. There is no comma in not only but also. Hope I won't see this again.) but also for professional growth. On top of it, this course includes state-of-the-art designing strategies, which will be tremendously serviceable applicable / useful in company’s progress if applied in forthcoming projects.

As this course will be organized out of India, it would be unmanageable for me to bear all the expenses. It's okay in terms of English but in general you don't want to be dramatic in formal communication.
Nevertheless, if firm could sponsor my training course in terms of return airfare and accommodation for 14 days, I can easily manage the costs related to this. Same comment as before.

You can simply make something up and write a simple thing e.g. Could you please approve sponsorship / expenses for return airfare and 14 days accommodation under the "Continuous Learning" initiative. Do let me know if you need any further information from me.


I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Agamjot Singh

Word Count : 157

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

OK.
1. give details about your trip or whatever it is
2. Don't use heavy words, instead write simple words.
3. not only but also ( no comma) ... I will keep this in mind next time.
4. regarding same content : I tried to show that I know 2 forms of word 'manage' in terms of manage and unmanageable ... Haha. (use words in different forms but don't repeat your content... That's good
5. Once I wrote : Do let me know if you need any further information from me.... Do I need to write I look forward to hearing from you ?

Thanks.. I feel I made less mistaked this time... yeyy

And don't feel anything about what I feel or not... I post here my work to be checked and I expect some Red lines because that's the motive behind getting feedback. If no one correct my mistakes how do i know where my preparation is going. Right ?

Thank you so much.

 

[cansha]

OK.

5. Once I wrote : Do let me know if you need any further information from me.... Do I need to write I look forward to hearing from you ?

Honestly, I'm indifferent to that line. Does it add value? I think it doesn't. Does it look bad? I think it doesn't. Should you write it? Do what you feel like now and on exam day.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Honestly, I'm indifferent to that line. Does it add value? I think it doesn't. Does it look bad? I think it doesn't. Should you write it? Do what you feel like now and on exam day.

Ok. Thanks

 

[Akhil Soni]

Hi CANSHA,

Please analyze this essay for my betterment. Thank you.

Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The two recent inventions due to advancements in technology, namely Mobile phone and Internet have had an enormous impact on social life of individuals. While many opine that these latest innovation have enhanced the social behavior of people, others hold a contrary view to this belief. Although, in my opinion latest technology have improved virtual communication, the face to face interactions of people have considerably decreased thereby hampering the true sociability of individuals.

Social interactions of people has drastically changed over years. Technology is now believed to be a principal facilitator of social bonding. It is observed that responsibilities of jobs and careers have resulted in enormous time constrains and this generation cannot spare time for personal interactions but for communication through social media. A recent survey done by Google, highlighted the benefits of Internet and social media in promoting the sociability of people. It concluded that more than 80% of participants in the survey found social media to be of immense help for talking with their kith and kin in spite of busy working hours.

However, others believe virtual connectivity is not a real form of social communication. They believe this latest trend has not only limited the mobility of people to go out but also made them work perpetually. Even if people had a little window of opportunity to move out and talk with their peer and acquaintances, technology has thwarted that prospect completely. People do not wish to have face to face interactions with their neighbours and other members of society; instead they prefer to entertain themselves by surfing the Internet. The leisure clubs, to illustrate, are facing closure in many cities due to drastic fall in their memberships which can be attribute to altered preferences of people today.

In conclusion, although technology has benefited individual and allowed him to satiate his personal needs for communication, from my perspective, the real essence of the social nature of individuals have lost due to influence of technology.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Hello @cansha and @H0peAndFa1th
Please check my new essay and give feedback .. Thanks in Advance.

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and healthcare costs.

Why do you think so many children are overweight?

What could be done to solve this problem?


It is unpleasant fact that children are gradually becoming sufferers of obesity, which could be detrimental to their well-being and health protection expenses alike, when they become adults. Unhealthy obsession with fast food appears to be the root of this problem and such solution as banning junk food could be feasible to tackle this issue.

One of the major contributors of childhood plumpness is junk food. A large proportion of school children are fond of burgers, pizzas and fizzy drinks, which are not only rich in calories but also indigestible. Now, as these food items are easily available to them in school cafeterias, parents are unable to stop their children to consume these meals; thereby children take fast food on regular basis and come under the pessimistic influence of fast foods in the form of increased waistlines. 3 in 5 tutees in Britain, for instance, are horizontally challenged only because they eat fast food daily.

A possible solution to the problem of obese children would be a prohibition of junk food and increase the quantity of nutritious sustenance in school canteens. By doing so, children will have fewer choices to choose and their focus will automatically divert to nutritious meals from destructive beverages. In addition, mothers and fathers will be highly satisfied with their children’s intake at schools. Finland plays a role of an optimum example here, where majority of educational institutes have fast-food free messes and hence, Finns pupils are healthier as compared to the rest of the Europe.

To conclude, over-reliance on convenience meals is one of the prominent reasons behind increasing number of fat children and a plausible solution to curb this drastic issue could be to ban junk food.

Word Count : 283

 

[cansha]

Hi @cansha and @H0peAndFa1th pls evaluate whenever you have time :

Some people think that environmental problems are too big for individuals to be solved, while others think that individuals cannot solve these environmental problems unless governments make some action.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

This is one of the poorest written essay topics I have ever seen for IELTS. I'm not sure if this was an actual topic. And if it was IELTS need to improve them first It's so badly written.

In modern society, there is an upsurge of environment related problems. Some people argue that the extent of environmental degradation is so huge that there is very little that individuals can do for its betterment. While there are others who claim, that the government and large industries (The topic doesn't mention industries. Although I think topic is badly written but I think in this case addition of large industries changes the scope of original ask too much) can help reduce this damage. In my opinion, the ecological problems can only be resolved by synergistic efforts of the government and citizens together. See industries is now missing in your argument.

To begin with, (Hope's video in action) it is true that large industries and the government can lower the ecological imbalance to a great extent. I have said in many of previous reviews that lines like these, in my personal opinion, do not add any value to an essay. It is known, it is a fact, Everyone would agree ... so on and so forth.
Firstly, the government has the power to enforce rules and make sure that it is obeyed. See now comes the actual meat. So why not bring it in the first sentence itself.Something like

To begin with, the government has the power to enforce rules and has can play a key role in .......

As a result, various activities such as deforestation by large MNCs, emission of hazardous gases by factories and vehicles, waste disposal by large companies, etc which causes myriad environmental problems such as air pollution, water pollution, global warming, global climate change can be curbed. I'm not sure how I feel about this sentence. It is good and bad at the same time. Good that it has lot's of information .. bad that it has too much information. Not sure.

Consequently, (good new word) if there are stringent laws imposed in place (Wrong phrasing) to keep a check on these malicious activities by large companies and individuals (why suddenly individuals in picture.. small things like this ruin your impact), then the current situation can be ameliorated. For instance, when the government passed a law in the city of Delhi, to use only CNG (Compressed Natural Gas) as a fuel instead of gasoline for the public transport system, it was obeyed by everyone which reduced the air pollution remarkably. Your whole premise of para initially is large industries and suddenly the example is of citizen participation. Seems odd! May be it is just me. May be your argument is large industries run the transport system and they complied. But then that is flawed as well. Because you are saying public (i.e. government transport system). Government changed the law ... government complied ... who is everyone?

The good thing is that English and Grammar wise there are no issues. Hence, I think you have nailed lexical resources and grammatical range. C&C is decent as well. Task response .. That is where it could go either way!

However, it is also undeniable that there cannot be an improvement in the environment without the efforts of individuals.

They contribute to this issue on a daily basis by activities such as bad dumping practices, smoking in public areas, public defecation, deforestation etc.
If people become more compassionate towards their surroundings and take care of their own acts, these problems can be resolved.
For example, smoking in allocated areas only, planting more trees, using paper bags or reusable bags instead of plastic bags, disposing of waste properly, etc are all steps which a citizen can take to enrich their habitat.

Fine

To encapsulate, the need of the hour is that members of the society and the government come together and work towards a greener environment by understanding the gravity of the situation. Hence, in my opinion, only the amalgamation of efforts from citizens and the government can result in a better future for our ecosystem.

See again in conclusion "large industries are missing". As I said no problem in other three areas but when the message is not consistent the task response seems a bit dodgy.

I think if you are just a little bit more careful scoring a 7 is not very difficult for you.

 

[cansha]

Hi CANSHA,

Please analyze this essay for my betterment. Thank you.

Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The two recent inventions due to advancements in technology, namely (simple but this is considered cohesion so good) Mobile phone and Internet have had ( I have seen many commit a mistake in a sentence like this. This is simple but good! ) an enormous impact on social life of individuals.
good strong first line

While many opine that these latest innovation have enhanced the social behavior of people, others hold a contrary view to this belief. Good

Although, in my opinion latest technology have (has .. latest technology is singular so has .. don't expect this mistake.) improved virtual communication, the face to face (its written as face-to-face) interactions of people have considerably decreased thereby hampering the true sociability (may be social skills is better) of individuals.

Good solid introduction!!

Social interactions of people has (have social interactions is plural here. Same mistake as intro) drastically changed over years.
Easy mistake to fix. Please be careful. See if you make same grammatical mistake again then it may seem like a pattern to examiner. This can be fixed easily. So no worries!
Technology is now believed to be a principal facilitator of social bonding.

It is observed that (As I have said before personally I don't like these constructs. I think if you get rid of this phrase you will still convey your message) responsibilities of jobs and careers have resulted in enormous time constrains and this generation cannot spare time for personal interactions but for communication through social media. Sounds a bit odd to read

A recent survey done by Google, highlighted the benefits of Internet and social media in promoting the sociability of people. It concluded that more than 80% of participants in the survey found social media to be of immense help for talking with their kith and kin in spite of busy working hours.

I like it. I think message could be a little bit more clear. But it is good.

However, others believe virtual connectivity is not a real form of social communication. They believe this latest trend has not only limited the mobility of people to go out but also made them work perpetually. I understand what you wanted to say here. Not sure if the phrase is the right one though.

Even if people had a little window of opportunity to move out and talk with their peer and acquaintances, technology has thwarted that prospect completely. People do not wish to have face to face interactions with their neighbours (Sentences like these are a little dangerous I feel. It is claiming something very drastic without any real justification. I know the second half says because they want to surf the Internet. See I don't know how much they look for validity of logic. In my personal opinion it is a little weak. However, perfect in terms of English and all. Just wanted to give my opinion.
and other members of society; instead they prefer to entertain themselves by surfing the Internet. The leisure clubs, to illustrate, (Excellent!! C&C within sentence. You have raised your game for sure ) are facing closure in many cities due to drastic fall in their memberships which can be attribute to altered preferences of people today. Again same comment. These arguments are a little drastic!

I get the message. I think same message could have been delivered with much simpler examples. BUT, having said that it is a good essay. Essays are subjective and I should not be telling you my way of thinking is better than yours. So that was not the intent.

In conclusion, although technology has benefited individual and allowed him to satiate his personal needs for communication, from my perspective, the real essence of the social nature of individuals have been lost due to influence of technology.

Good hard hitting conclusion.

Good one. I think you will get good marks for lexical resources and C&C. There are grammatical errors. I don't know how they will score those. But there are not too many errors so I think that should be okay as well. Task response .. I think you were on topic.

Overall, I would be surprised if this didn't get at least a 7 on the test!

 

[Tech_girl123]

This is one of the poorest written essay topics I have ever seen for IELTS. I'm not sure if this was an actual topic. And if it was IELTS need to improve them first It's so badly written.





The good thing is that English and Grammar wise there are no issues. Hence, I think you have nailed lexical resources and grammatical range. C&C is decent as well. Task response .. That is where it could go either way!



Fine


See again in conclusion "large industries are missing". As I said no problem in other three areas but when the message is not consistent the task response seems a bit dodgy.

I think if you are just a little bit more careful scoring a 7 is not very difficult for you.

Thanks ! kind of understood what you said.. will try to improve.. 7 is not what I am aiming for.. so i think i need a lot more practice then !