Sponsoring husband from Morocco

[Habibti]

i just cannot understand how he is so quick to anger,i only have to say something he doesn't agree with for him to start arguing.I am stupid,i should have just ended it a while ago,because i did see a small glimpse of what he is capable of.in 2008 i went to Morocco and from here i checked my bags and didn't see them again until i arrived in Casablanca ,so on my way back home and at the airport there i commented if it was the same thing going back as i am connecting in Paris,he asked someone there and they told him i would have to pick up my bags in Paris and rechecked them again.so i said to him that doesn't make any sense,why wouldn't be the same as it was when i came,he got so angry and began to shout at me there in the airport,telling i must listen,the guy knows he works there, even some other people were looking.i was so surprised,i remember thinking,what was that? i left without even kissing him good bye,i came home and i didn't speak to him for days,i was so shocked.now that i looked back on it,it was probably a sign that i should just go my separate ways.
We have had discussions after discussions,i will talk he listens and then he argues,ans the thing that slays me is the fact that he says all the time that he is not wrong.I don't know how to get to change his attitude,how to get through to him.I am Christian,he is Muslim,we both knew that from the start,we knew it would be challenging,but if i had any idea that things would play out this way,this would have been a different scenario. it's new year's eve and i am even going home after work,i don't know where i will end up,but i have packed a small bag with some clothes,i can't stay in my own home ,i am so miserable.i am sorry to burden people with my problems,but i just needed a place where i feel people will listen without judgement,thanks very much.

So sorry to hear about the difficult times you are going through. It is tough on you and it will be tough for some time, but you will see... you will get out of it eventually and start smiling again. I asked you if you had communication problems before and now you say he is the angry type arguing and being hostile. He has anger management issues. Yes, it was a serious red flag what you saw at the airport. And quite sad to leave after a fight. Saying he is never wrong worries me... Definitely you need to find support in your friends, your family or in a counselling centre. Be strong and patient! This period of your life will pass and something else will blossom.

 

[vjamal]

oh my dishearted im really sorry for what you are going through.....as im reading im tearing i can only sympathasize with your situaltion ....Now that lady neighbor moroccan do u ever speak to her, you said he runs to her but what about you......

Tht situation at the airport ouffff but you know thats like a little fight so u cant take a judgement from that...in your head your like okay he was exagerating.....thats one situation from all those other days and months of conversation that you actually fell in love with this man so dont go to the past and start blaming yourself.....

My question to you is ...have u ever sat him down to ask him whats his problem is it him or you or what?

I agree that a car is important but debts and existing bills are priority ...public transportation exist and cheaper at the end of the day...you need to force him to help you financially there is no choice.....

Diminish stuff cable...cell phones.....food.......etc.......

I dont know where you went for New Years eve but i hope you are okay.......

 

[rjessome]

Thank you for your all your support.I know i have to speak to someone eventually,but I don't have the courage as yet.He has friends here.I know someone who was also sponsoring her spouse and arranged for them to meet in Rabat and establish a friendship there and that has continued when they both came to Toronto.Also i met a woman in my neighbourhood who is Moroccan and I talked with her and introduced them when he arrived,and guess what? every problem we have he now runs to her house,but he will not speak to me.I did everything for him,buy him clothes,food paid all the bills in the house and i never once complained to him,even when i am struggling i didn't want to burden him cause i know he wasn't working.He went back to school and did a short course in security and is working now,and is saving his money to buy a car.It's important i know,but we have to make sure we have a roof over our heads,have sufficient food and keep the heat and the light going too.
i just cannot understand how he is so quick to anger,i only have to say something he doesn't agree with for him to start arguing.I am stupid,i should have just ended it a while ago,because i did see a small glimpse of what he is capable of.in 2008 i went to Morocco and from here i checked my bags and didn't see them again until i arrived in Casablanca ,so on my way back home and at the airport there i commented if it was the same thing going back as i am connecting in Paris,he asked someone there and they told him i would have to pick up my bags in Paris and rechecked them again.so i said to him that doesn't make any sense,why wouldn't be the same as it was when i came,he got so angry and began to shout at me there in the airport,telling i must listen,the guy knows he works there, even some other people were looking.i was so surprised,i remember thinking,what was that? i left without even kissing him good bye,i came home and i didn't speak to him for days,i was so shocked.now that i looked back on it,it was probably a sign that i should just go my separate ways.
We have had discussions after discussions,i will talk he listens and then he argues,ans the thing that slays me is the fact that he says all the time that he is not wrong.I don't know how to get to change his attitude,how to get through to him.I am Christian,he is Muslim,we both knew that from the start,we knew it would be challenging,but if i had any idea that things would play out this way,this would have been a different scenario. it's new year's eve and i am even going home after work,i don't know where i will end up,but i have packed a small bag with some clothes,i can't stay in my own home ,i am so miserable.i am sorry to burden people with my problems,but i just needed a place where i feel people will listen without judgement,thanks very much.

Very sorry to hear of your troubles. Like Betty Page, this story is very similar to many. You know, just because two people love each other does not mean they can live together. Cultural differences make it so much harder to find that balance but it's hard for lots of married couples. Bottom line is that marriage is a partnership. They players decide what roles they agree upon and then go from there. I'm pretty sure that you've tried to "communicate" until you are blue in the face. He's not listening or doesn't like what he's hearing. Look, whether or not you can live together has nothing to do with whether you love him or not, or whether sponsoring him was a mistake. You would not be the first couple to break up after living together for a year and you certainly won't be the last. My advice is to get him out. Seriously. He's making you miserable so give yourself some peace. Maybe he might wake up to the reality of real life and be more willing to compromise and maybe not. But you don't need to suffer just because you sponsored him. If he's working he probably won't go on welfare so you likely won't have to worry about that. But if he does, then you'll have to pay it back to the government. But I swear, I'd rather owe the government money than live with someone who makes my life a living hell. Life is too short for that. And who cares what other people think? Are you going to stay with him just to make OTHER people happy? That's not smart.

By all means, if you think you can do or say something that will save your relationship then do it. Otherwise, get out before it gets worse. People show you who they are. He's spent a year showing you who he is. Believe him. Forget about everything from before because it doesn't mean anything. All that matters is NOW. So you have some difficult choices to make but you are strong. You need to take care of YOU because he isn't. So be kind to yourself and give yourself some peace. The rest doesn't matter.

 

[disheartened]

Hello everyone and thanks for all your kind words.New years i went to a friends house and he began to call the people's phone 7.00 am in the morning,threatening to call the police if i don't come home,even though he has not spoken to me for over a week.I came home and we had a huge fight.I tried to tell him how much what he is doing is hurting me,and that we need to sit down as adults and discuss our issues,not speaking to me will not accomplish anything,do you think it worked? no way,Rjessome as you said,i have talked until i am out of words to use anymore,nothing worked.last night i was up until 2.30 am,talking and talking,and you know what he said,i am money hungry.The person who spent 3 years fighting with cic to bring him here,supported him when he was stressed,put up with his nonsense,buying him whatever he wanted,making sure he has everything to his comfort.i have been taking public transit for years,so is lots of other people who live and work somewhere else,what's wrong with that? everything i say to him,he said i want him to have nothing,that i don't have a car and so i want him to be the same way.i have come to the conclusion,i cannot get through to him,it's not worth my peace of mind,i told him,this a new year,i do not want to continue to live this way,i don't want to have a heart attack living with all this stress in my life everyday.Vjamal,i don't talk to the moroccan woman,i suspect she is giving him some bad advice,i was thinking about it,just to tell my side,may not make any difference.

 

[scylla]

Hello everyone and thanks for all your kind words.New years i went to a friends house and he began to call the people's phone 7.00 am in the morning,threatening to call the police if i don't come home,even though he has not spoken to me for over a week.I came home and we had a huge fight.I tried to tell him how much what he is doing is hurting me,and that we need to sit down as adults and discuss our issues,not speaking to me will not accomplish anything,do you think it worked? no way,Rjessome as you said,i have talked until i am out of words to use anymore,nothing worked.last night i was up until 2.30 am,talking and talking,and you know what he said,i am money hungry.The person who spent 3 years fighting with cic to bring him here,supported him when he was stressed,put up with his nonsense,buying him whatever he wanted,making sure he has everything to his comfort.i have been taking public transit for years,so is lots of other people who live and work somewhere else,what's wrong with that? everything i say to him,he said i want him to have nothing,that i don't have a car and so i want him to be the same way.i have come to the conclusion,i cannot get through to him,it's not worth my peace of mind,i told him,this a new year,i do not want to continue to live this way,i don't want to have a heart attack living with all this stress in my life everyday.Vjamal,i don't talk to the moroccan woman,i suspect she is giving him some bad advice,i was thinking about it,just to tell my side,may not make any difference.

This is an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter where he's from or who he is. And I don't think we should be trying to explain or justify his behaviour by looking at the cultural perspective. It's abuse - plain and simple. I agree with rjessome. You need to get out (preferably as soon as possible).

 

[CharlieD10]

This is an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter where he's from or who he is. And I don't think we should be trying to explain or justify his behaviour by looking at the cultural perspective. It's abuse - plain and simple. I agree with rjessome. You need to get out (preferably as soon as possible).

I completely agree. No "cultural perspective" justifies degrading the efforts of someone who has expended a great deal of money to gain a life with you. If you added up all the money you spent over the years, would it be enough to make the payments on a car? Probably. No man worth his salt doesn't contribute to the expenses of his home in order to buy himself something, and turns around to degrade the person he is living off while keeping his money to himself!

He's abusive, and passive-aggressive. Get out now before he breaks you down to where you start believing he is right to behave this way.

 

[rjessome]

Hello everyone and thanks for all your kind words.New years i went to a friends house and he began to call the people's phone 7.00 am in the morning,threatening to call the police if i don't come home,even though he has not spoken to me for over a week.I came home and we had a huge fight.I tried to tell him how much what he is doing is hurting me,and that we need to sit down as adults and discuss our issues,not speaking to me will not accomplish anything,do you think it worked? no way,Rjessome as you said,i have talked until i am out of words to use anymore,nothing worked.last night i was up until 2.30 am,talking and talking,and you know what he said,i am money hungry.The person who spent 3 years fighting with cic to bring him here,supported him when he was stressed,put up with his nonsense,buying him whatever he wanted,making sure he has everything to his comfort.i have been taking public transit for years,so is lots of other people who live and work somewhere else,what's wrong with that? everything i say to him,he said i want him to have nothing,that i don't have a car and so i want him to be the same way.i have come to the conclusion,i cannot get through to him,it's not worth my peace of mind,i told him,this a new year,i do not want to continue to live this way,i don't want to have a heart attack living with all this stress in my life everyday.Vjamal,i don't talk to the moroccan woman,i suspect she is giving him some bad advice,i was thinking about it,just to tell my side,may not make any difference.

scylla and CharlieD are right. Time to pack his bags and kick him out. At some point you have to decide that enough is enough and your mental health is worth more. Stop fighting. It won't work. Action is the only thing left for you to do. Who cares if he thinks you are money hungry or not? Who cares about ANYTHING he thinks? He can think what he wants but when he has to pay his own rent his thoughts won't be worth a dime. Let me ask you, would you put up with this from a Canadian man? NO. So don't put up with it from him. You are looking for your ROI, return on investment, and I GET that. You've fought and sacrificed to be with him and so you are expecting to be rewarded with some happiness. So is everyone who puts effort into a relationship. And you are right to do so. But he's not giving you what you deserve so time to clean house and move on. You are coming here to talk because you don't have anyone else who understands what you've been through. Well lots of us do so listen to us. Pack his things and tell him to go. Don't listen to another word from him. If he begs to stay and promises to change, tell him NO. He's got to go and if he's serious about changing, he can prove that to you BUT he WON'T do it if you let him stay because you'll be showing him that your threats are empty and he has no real consequences to face. Follow through and show him you are serious.

I doubt the Moroccan woman is giving him ANY advice. That's not how those relationships work. He would lose face by telling her that he won't help you with the household expenses. If anything, he is lying to her and telling her he IS giving you money. A Moroccan woman would never put up with this. If anything, he would be nagged from sunup to sundown about money by a Moroccan wife. And this whole not talking thing seems to be normal in a traditional Moroccan relationship. According to one of my Moroccan girlfriends, this is how they fight. She hates it too and had to break her husband of it. She's very Canadianized and career oriented but this is NOT the norm (according to her). But the money issue, NO WAY she or any other Moroccan woman would allow that. It's his DUTY to take care of his wife and NOT doing so is a great embarrassment in both their culture and religion. In fact, these men are advised NOT to marry until they can do that. So while it may be cultural to not talk to each other when fighting (learned behavior), it is NOT cultural for him to be a selfish a**hole. He would NEVER get away with that in Morocco. So do like a Moroccan woman would and kick him out. A Moroccan woman would also embarrass him with all of his family and friends but don't bother with that kind of pettiness. Just get him out.

You know, a difficult truth to face is that many Moroccan men without jobs in Morocco would NEVER be able to marry a Moroccan woman. Neither she nor her family would allow it. We feel sorry for them because it is so hard to find work there. But their own culture is MUCH less compassionate about it. Moroccan women are much more practical when they choose a husband. My girlfriend would NEVER have married a man without a job, no matter how much she loved him and she KNOWS what it's like in Morocco. She's been taught to put the practical aspects of life and marriage first and love is second. She says, "Sweet words will not buy bread." She's right.

 

[vjamal]

well i do agree with rjesomme...i lived in Morocco for 6mths and thats all true.....Moroccan women dont marry men without being able to provide for their wife and they look at that before love.....If he would do this in Morocco to his moroccan wife he would be the shame of the family...It is their duty especially after helping and going through cic all this time he should want to help he should want to do anything to hep and not turn around and call u money hungry thats just unacceptable......

Of course i say communicate you want to exerce all your efforts but if u see there is no communication possible then the only choice u have is action...Action speaks louder than words....you never know maybe by putting him out he will start realizing what kind of person he became.....im really sorry about your relationship but you have to have courage and move on and start being happy....

 

[hakimncaroline]

Hi .. I am a newbie at this lol.

I met my moroccan love on the internet, and it has been an amazing month. I did not expect to fall so hard for him :-[ lol .. We have plans to meet in a few months, and I need to get my passport done soon so I can meet him. Is it too soon to meet him, as he and I have been talking a month plus one week? We have just started to talk about marriage, feeling its so soon to talk like this too. But I feel him and he feels me, its like we have known each other for a long time, we both want the same thing in life. A Happy future full of love, trust, honesty and respect and many other good things to make a relationship work. I love him with all my heart, even my children love him and have accepted him too. He is a year younger then me, not that age is important. psshhh age is just a number to me lol. I have read almost all from this forum, this little club you call it. And I had no idea there are alot of canadian women married to Moroccan men. I have teared here and there just reading, man I want what these women have to have a successful sponsorship of my husband to be, and to be with me here in the future. I'm in Ontario btw

 

[locolynn]

Hi .. I am a newbie at this lol.

I met my moroccan love on the internet, and it has been an amazing month. I did not expect to fall so hard for him :-[ lol .. We have plans to meet in a few months, and I need to get my passport done soon so I can meet him. Is it too soon to meet him, as he and I have been talking a month plus one week? We have just started to talk about marriage, feeling its so soon to talk like this too. But I feel him and he feels me, its like we have known each other for a long time, we both want the same thing in life. A Happy future full of love, trust, honesty and respect and many other good things to make a relationship work. I love him with all my heart, even my children love him and have accepted him too. He is a year younger then me, not that age is important. psshhh age is just a number to me lol. I have read almost all from this forum, this little club you call it. And I had no idea there are alot of canadian women married to Moroccan men. I have teared here and there just reading, man I want what these women have to have a successful sponsorship of my husband to be, and to be with me here in the future. I'm in Ontario btw

If I can offer a piece of advice....take your time. A month is not a long time and sponsorship is a huge commitment.

Lynn

 

[rjessome]

If I can offer a piece of advice....take your time. A month is not a long time and sponsorship is a huge commitment.

Lynn

I second that!!!! And would add that marriage is a HUGE commitment as well!

 

[Habibti]

Hi .. I am a newbie at this lol.

I met my moroccan love on the internet, and it has been an amazing month. I did not expect to fall so hard for him :-[ lol .. We have plans to meet in a few months, and I need to get my passport done soon so I can meet him. Is it too soon to meet him, as he and I have been talking a month plus one week? We have just started to talk about marriage, feeling its so soon to talk like this too. But I feel him and he feels me, its like we have known each other for a long time, we both want the same thing in life. A Happy future full of love, trust, honesty and respect and many other good things to make a relationship work. I love him with all my heart, even my children love him and have accepted him too. He is a year younger then me, not that age is important. psshhh age is just a number to me lol. I have read almost all from this forum, this little club you call it. And I had no idea there are alot of canadian women married to Moroccan men. I have teared here and there just reading, man I want what these women have to have a successful sponsorship of my husband to be, and to be with me here in the future. I'm in Ontario btw

Take your time! Take your time! Take your time! lol

I waited 2 years before meeting my husband for the first time. I spent 5 weeks with him and his family. I went there in a spirit of detachment. I did not get involved too much when I was there and I just observed him and his family. I came back here and for a couple of months I meditated and decided to marry him. Went back there after 6 months. It takes a full year to have a general idea of a person. And much more to really know about this person.

 

[locolynn]

I second that!!!! And would add that marriage is a HUGE commitment as well!

Truth. And so very very hard.

 

[dair2dv8103100]

5 weeks?????? Are you serious????

I would not even consider marriage to someone that was living beside me in that time!!

I waited 9 months before my first visit and as habibi said I went without the intention of relationship. I stayed with his family. I watched...I observed... I took time to see how he behaved in public and at home. How did he treat people while we were shopping.... how did he treat his family. I had a lawyer check out his credentials. I also know someone that lives there and is friends with his sister. He was able to observe from a distance as well and report back to me about him and his potential intentions. I got verification of where he was working. I got several reports on him...all of which obviously turned out positive or else I would not be married now.

These men are extremely romantic and they love passionately.... but don't get caught up in that especially if you have children!!! It is easy to get caught up in the heavy, romantic feelings of love in the beginning...but you need to keep your head on straight for your kids. I have a daughter as well and I took a lot of time before letting her interact with him because I did not want her to feel confused about the situation. In fact we talked to her in terms of us being friends only in the beginning (not a lie...thats how we began) I also stressed to her that there would not be any sort of serious, romantic relationship until I met him.

You are talking about a GIGANTIC, HUGE, ENORMOUS commitment not only personally but financially. And you have kids to think about first!!

Ultimately it is your decision but I could not stress more that you need to take a step back from these heavy emotions and think a little bit about what the implications are of this relationship. I can tell you and so can many here....it is the hardest thing you will do in your life and you WILL become financially strained because of it. Unless of course you are wealthy to begin with.

I really hope it works out and that everything can be fairy tale like...but lets face it... we are living reality here. Take your time!!

 

[Futurista]

I agree with dair2dv8103100, take your time. I went through a similar process (albeit minus the checks), in terms of observing, meeting family, friends, seeing how he interacted with everyone, including family, friends, strangers, and me. We traveled, we visited family and friends out of town, in the country, in different cities. I loved that our relationship progressed slowly, and it's a very strong relationship because of the time we both took to get to know one another.

When I visited him for the first time, it wasn't with marriage in mind. It was to observe, to find out if there was that 'something' between us that could last. I was very skeptical actually.

Let me say that it's very easy to get swept off your feet, especially at a distance. You're not seeing each other, bad habits and all. All you're seeing of each other is 'that special time' when you're both communicating together for the day. Of course you're happy and you're both putting your best foot forward. It's something different when you're seeing this person day in day out, having to face difficult situations, stresses in your relationship, etc.

Take your time, for your sake, his, and your kids. Good luck!

Futurista