This morning I am emotionally a wreck. This ordeal is hard on me and it is also hard on my husband. But what makes it harder for me is my husband's behavior.
Last week I sent him emails every day and he replied to a few of them, but in a very brief way. And not once he gave me his news. So last Friday, I wrote him asking him about his news. The same day I received his news in an email. But all week, he never asked me how I was doing, how was my day, how was my return to work after 2 weeks of vacation, etc. Then, my Saturday morning he sent me an email to let me know he was waiting for me on Skype. I opened Skype but we could not stay long as each time we said a sentence, his connection failed. He sent me an email to tell me he would fix the connection and connect with me again the same day at the end of my afternoon.
At the end of my afternoon, I received an email from him telling me he was too tired to go to Skype and was going to bed. He did some training in the forest that day with a friend and he watched a movie in the evening and he felt too tired after that. I was disappointed. He let me know he would be on Skype the following day that is Sunday. Last Sunday, I had a student at 2 pm on Skype and he knew about that. He contacted me 20 minutes before my appointment! I asked him how he was doing. He said he was not well. I asked him why and he told me something that horrified me. It is an absolute no-no in my book and I cannot tell here as it is private. So we had a difficult conversation about it and I had to go for my student. I asked him to contact me again after my 30 minutes appointment and he said he was too tired and going to bed. He never asked me how I was doing, how was my week and my weekend.
All week I received no email from him, just a couple of text messages to tell me he was thinking of me with some kisses. I did not feel like writing to him. He knew how upset I was about the wrong thing he did and he never tried to reach out to me to reassure me. This week I received a phone call from my gynecologist. They discovered a mass and they are asking me to go to hospital for a biopsy. My legs just went like jell-o. My husband knew my doctor would call me with the results and not once he inquired about that. If it was something that important regarding my husband, I would have called him in a hearbeat!
Then, yesterday at the end of my work day I was feeling more and more upset to have no news from him. I went home and opened Hotmail. There was a message from him letting me know he was with friends for the weekend in Casa. I decided to call him. His tone of voice was dead. Like depressed. He said it was too hard on him the separation plus the problems he had with his younger brother. He told me how hard life was in Morocco and I would not be able to live there. He said 4 or 5 times "I love you" but I felt it was empty. He said that it is not because he does not communicate with me that he does not love me and does not think of me. He said he is like this when he suffers: he does not communicate. I told him it was not normal nor healthy that we did not have quality time together in 2 weeks. He found excuses every time to justify it... poor Internet connection, fatigue, stress, problem with his younger brother, etc. He said he could not talk to me any longer as his friends were waiting for him and he did not feel at ease to discuss with me. The place and timing were not right for him. I just hung up on him.
I don't know what to do anymore. It seems to me I am the only one to do all the efforts. The separation is hard on me too but it is not a reason to make it more difficult. I feel I am not into a real marriage anymore....
