@Cane101 @yoloraw
Guys can you evaluate my writing:
Hi Milan,
I have seen several of your posts and I appreciate your efforts. However, I need to point out some issues which I have noticed in, more or less, all of your essays. If you work on them, you will get your desire score very soon.
Question: some parents think children should have a mobile phone, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Although some
guardians (Guardians is not a synonym of parent) believe
d (They still believe) that it is good if
kids (Informal) own cell phones, however, others think that
it is of no use (Where did you get that they believe it is of no use?) .
I completely agreed with the notion that smartphone are not better for juvenile (Not children) as it affects their education and health. (The question is not asking whether you you agree or not)
-Please read the question very carefully. Your introduction does not talk about what is being asked in the question. Here the question says:One group thinks children should have mobile phones (Note that it was nowhere mentioned that it is good for children) while others disagree i.e they think children should not have mobile phones.
-This essay is a discussion essay and not an agree/disagree essay. You have to discuss both views and then give your own opinion. You may side with one of the views or have a completely independent view of your own.
Rewrite the intro: While some parents believe that the practice of children using mobile phones is desirable, others think otherwise. I believe that although allowing children to have mobile phones may be helpful in emergencies, they should not be allowed to carry this device because of the detrimental effects such as wastage of time and distraction from studies, it may have on them.
On the one hand, (Write a topic sentence:
some mothers and fathers think it is acceptable for their children to use mobile phones as it may be useful in case of an emergency or simply to keep in touch with them).
many
(Many) children are provided with a mobile phone in order to keep in touch with
them their parents (You are talking about children, not their parents) when
their parents they are out
of home.
They can be in contact at any time or in any place.(Repetition) In other words, since these days in most of families both the parents are working,
giving a cell phone
to children aid
s them not only
to keep
themselves an update
d about their
adolescents (Incorrect word choice. Adolescents is not a synonym of children); but also
keep them informed to enable their children to contact them in case of during an emergency. For instance,
according to a survey, the majority of working couples
believed that use certain application
s in smartphone
s assist them to keep a track on their children’s routine activities and traveling routes.
On the other hand, (
Write a topic sentence: despite the obvious benefits, there are some people who believe that children should not be allowed to use a cell phone due to its negative effects).
the most valid reason for dismissing the use of mobile phone by children is that T
he most prominent one being children
they end up wasting their precious time. To be precise, cell phone
s these days are equipped with
vivid (wrong word choice) various application
s such as WhatsApp and Facebook
, thereby, using it for socializing and playing games, which divert their attention from studies. Furthermore,
Digital phones (Inappropriate word choice. Digital phone doesn't mean mobile phone) can be
a cause of major
health concern distraction (If you say distraction, you will simply be repeating what you have already said in the last line. Your next sentences talk about health issues, so you better say that in the line where you are introducing a new idea).
Youngsters (Children are not youngsters) spend most of the time surfing
on the internet
on their phones instead of doing outdoor physical activities. Consequently, excessive usage of mobile phones
may lead
s to health issues such as depression and sleep disorders.
In conclusion, smartphones are
indeed (You are contradicting yourself when you say it is indeed (With certainty) useful) useful in contacting families and friends, however, I opine that mobile phone brings
more harm to youngsters (You were never asked whether it is more harmful or not. You were asked whether children should use mobile phones or not) in the form of
addiction (You have talked about distraction from education not addiction) and deteriorating health conditions
owing to excessive usage (Off topic).
Rewriting your conclusion: In conclusion, people have differing views with regard to usage of mobile phones by children. In my opinion, children should not be allowed to use such electronic devices as their education and health may suffer.
Please please work on your issues instead of writing tons of essays. Try to identify the areas where you can improve and then work on them. You are not impressing anyone with your varied vocab when you use them incorrectly. Focus on your grammar. There are many mistakes which can be easily improved. The major issue however, is your task achievement. You are writing a mixture of discussion, agree/disagree and advantage/disadvantage style essay. This will not get you the desired score. Each essay type is different and there is no "one structure fits all" formula. Read the question carefully and then decide your essay type. Don't start writing without fully understanding the question.