Making Marriage work?

[sbwv09]

I guess I should be a bit more specific.. we lived apart for 7 years but we were able to visit. For the first 5-6 years, we didn't get to visit very often.. a couple of times a year. When I finished my undergrad my schedule opened up a lot and we also were in a better place in our relationship, so we got to visit a lot more often. That was also stressful.. I would have to drive to meet him in Niagara because he doesn't have a car, so driving 6 hours every other weekend while finishing grad school and my first year as a teacher.. not to mention the lake effect snow in the winter!

I'm here with him now and it's much better in that respect, but it also brings up a whole new host of worries and problems. When your relationship is long distance, I think sometimes you have this idealistic idea of how marriage and being together is going to be.. and it's hard when the bubble bursts.

 

[Kess]

I'm here with him now and it's much better in that respect, but it also brings up a whole new host of worries and problems. When your relationship is long distance, I think sometimes you have this idealistic idea of how marriage and being together is going to be.. and it's hard when the bubble bursts.

I know my husband and I are worried about how things will be when we finally get to live together. We knew we were taking a chance by getting married first (given our options under this process).

I feel like I am waiting for part of my life to start. Seems like everything will be better once he's here (more money when he can work, able to buy a home, take real vacations, etc). Right now I spend a lot of time at home in front of the computer, or not going away (unless it's to see him) because I don't want to miss a day of talking to him.

 

[locolynn]

I'm here with him now and it's much better in that respect, but it also brings up a whole new host of worries and problems. When your relationship is long distance, I think sometimes you have this idealistic idea of how marriage and being together is going to be.. and it's hard when the bubble bursts.

Exactly. Our marriage is actually frozen...it's sad. When we are separated we can't really fight and resolve arguments in the same way, partly because we have nothing to really fight about (yet we still find stuff LOL).

When you are separated from your loved one and conducting a marriage over the internet there isn't that same element of letting yourself be vulnerable to that person, of learning to compromise on the day to day stuff, arguing about the day to day stuff and having yourself and your marriage evolve accordingly. Instead, it's like you are locked in a perpetual honeymoon.

I'm sure that sounds nice...honeymoons and no fighting...but I'll take real life anyday.

Lynn

 

[tgchi13]

letting yourself be vulnerable

It's there, but it is scary and you have allow for that and know that that is difficult.

 

[Tallen]

When Maria and I are apart I feel like I am on MARS.. Displaced from her not only in distance but time.. her night is my day (I call her LadyHawke, guess you need to see the movie to get it), It is so very hard. We spend at least 4hrs or more a day talking, sharing time via movies or other things but when it's 5pm for me and 2am for her and she so needs to sleep, I feel so alone at times. I am very thankful for her to stay up that late and I get up at 6am to work and commute 12hrs. It is hard. We all hate the wait, but looking at all my relationships in the past we have formed a much stronger bond and have talked more than I have ever in my life.


You cannot look for True Love, True Love must find you.. most people “settle” for what they think is the best they can do.. And never find True Love. I did not CHOOSE to find my True Love in Russia.. But after over a
year of talking to her it was clear.. I met her to make sure it was as I thought and wow so much so.. We were Married in such a beautiful wedding in Moscow on another visit and after much paperwork as you all know.. I have visited her twice since then and we so wait.. With each visit the time we are apart just gets harder..


We cook meals for each other witch we both love the taste and the difference in culture.. I so love her “Traditional Russian Salad” lol.. yes cooking for each other is very nice... know many of you have lived together and such but for us these short 8-14 day pockets of time is all we have and at the first time was hotel and seeing each other ½ the day, and the 2nd time was all running around getting things translated, getting documents and stamps needed by officials.. Getting Married... That was not even easy lol.. Maria had talked to Zags a month before and we had it arranged for Feb 2nd. And I was to arrive in Moscow on Jan 31st at 10:10am. Lots of time for us to take all our documents to get translated, and to go to ZAGS and get registered for our marriage. Well... I have flown in planes over 50 times with no issue.. However leaving via JFK in NY was an experience (usually I have left from Amsterdam), we taxi for say 30 mins.. I ask if we are driving to Moscow? Then the pilot comes on and says there is a blinky light on the engine oil and we need to return to the gate. .. The person beside me says you know this is a 3hr thing there is no quick lube lol.. I am stressing out so I SMS Maria.. she is worried.. we get almost back to the gate and the captain comes back on and says well the light went out we are turning back around to our runway.. I SMS Maria again YES!.. We take off and all is well.. 5hrs into the 9hr flight a passenger in of ALL places first class (or business class as they call it now) comes completely unglued and is yelling and such, two big guys have to hold him down.. We have to make an emergency landing in Scotland AHHH.. Oh and guess what we now do not have enough fuel to make it to Moscow.. lol Yeh let's say by the time I landed in Moscow with ZAGS closed on the following day there was nothing we could do.


So we went to ZAGS on the 2nd with all our paperwork perfect as soon as they opened hoping we would be married that day. They said well maybe next month.. Maria being such a strong girl talked how we had planned on this and how my Visa would expire.. They did not care... and we had no wedding date since we did not have a good reason to be married. So think of the stress.. I was up all night to get a fax from work about how I am not replaceable and am unpaid leave for the sole purpose of our marriage and with a upcoming critical change I will not be allowed more leave. Yeh so getting a fax to Russia was crazy, next day we ran it to get translated.. Russia loves STAMPS... and our corp lawyer would not allow our stamp on the document so we were worried. The head of Zags looked at the fax and translations flipping it back and forth so so so so so much you would not believe it .. We were so worried but the translation company had stamped it and it looked “more official” she gave us a wedding date and we were married on the 4th.


I planned on meeting her parents in my TUX... on our wedding day not Jeans.. lol. The meeting with her parents could of not gone better her step dad was into things I was and her mother was happy with her daughter's choice. We all had a good time.


This post is already too long and some of you my of drifted into a coma so any questions please ask


One Stat to remember is that more than 70% of marriages though this process are for life where the % is much less from the same country. Makes sense as we are committed to much paperwork and hardship.


I will never regret any choice step or part of this process.. For she loves me as much as I love her and I have never felt that before.


Ps.. “Love you can find anywhere, but True Love you would cross oceans for“
~ Cupid

 

[Jimbob]

Well Tallen, I must say, your story was not the least bit boring! It is a story of true love and the effort put into being with your chosen mate. I am working on a similiar plan bringing my Vietnamese girl to Canada. You'd never know by these postings that Canada needs immigrants.

 

[toby]

It is very frustrating.. I've told the story on here before about our old neighbors who were in a marriage immigration scam and they were approved in less than 3 months. Maybe I'm a bit of skeptic but it's hard to see that the system is doing that great a job in weeding out the false marriages. They do a terrific job in putting a strain on real marriages!

It's not easy to maintain a solid marriage through an ordeal like this. Most of us spend our relationship apart.. and when we do move in together, there is the hard task of the immigrant being able to fully join the society (good job, new friends, etc). I have to say that it is much more difficult than I thought, adjusting to marriage and a new country at the same time... and the fact that we're still going through immigration makes it that much harder.

As difficult as your adjustment is, you're going through Buffalo so presumably you are American. Adjusting from USA to Canada is much less difficult than adjusting from a very-different country (Malaysia, Thailand, China come to mind).

It is true: it's a shame that the cheaters make it difficult for the genuine applicants, yet when I the idea of a two-year probation period before final PR would be granted was raised, to weed out many of the cheaters, very few members of this forum supported the idea.

 

[sbwv09]

The assumption you made is a big part of the frustration. Yes, coming from a far flung place is harder, but there are many agencies and groups to help those people learn English, get jobs, etc. Americans have a lot of trouble getting jobs, even with equal education standards in our country, because you have to have Canadian job experience and 'connections' to get a job. I have a feeling that if I tried to get with an immigrant agency to find a job that I would be laughed out the door. There are Americans on here who have been landed for a year who have yet to find employment other than fast food, etc... people with high levels of education and US job experience. I've also heard Canadians say things about Americans that they wouldn't dare dream about saying in regards to any other nationality or race.

I can see both the benefits and downsides to your probationary PR idea. If it actually sped up the process in which people could come to Canada, work in Canada, get health insurance in Canada, etc then I would be all for it. I think the real problem with the process is the government trying to babysit its citizens. If you are old enough to get married, you should know that if you marry someone after chatting online for a month that it's probably not true love. An IO shouldn't have to be the one to tell you that. If you are willing to get married for a scam, you face the consequences if the spouse ever breaks the law or gets caught in the fraud.

Also.. I'm in Toronto, so most of it is more like China than any other place I've seen

 

[AllisonVSC]

sbwv09

Also.. I'm in Toronto, so most of it is more like China than any other place I've seen

I read recently in the news that the percent of visible minorities living in the GTA is 49.2. I thought the percentage would be high (at least it is noticeably different from where I come from) but I didn't expect it was that high. Unfortunately, the report did not give the figure for percent of landed immigrants. I would be interested in seeing that figure as well. It seems to me I'm surrounded by immigrants here, but it could be a mis-perception as I think a lot of Canadians cling to there cultural heritage and language even if they were born and raised here. I have asked a few people about their background and they say I'm this or I'm that. So I ask when did you immigrate, and they often say oh I was born here. I haven't followed that with a question about why they didn't say they're Canadian then, but someday when I don't think I will offend the person I will.

 

[sbwv09]

It's true.. and I mean, it's good and bad. I've met second generation people who barely speak English.. that's a bit much to me. I like seeing the different cultures and that, but being a born Canadian and speaking another language as their first language?

 

[tgchi13]

sbwv09
I read recently in the news that the percent of visible minorities living in the GTA is 49.2. I thought the percentage would be high (at least it is noticeably different from where I come from) but I didn't expect it was that high. Unfortunately, the report did not give the figure for percent of landed immigrants. I would be interested in seeing that figure as well. It seems to me I'm surrounded by immigrants here, but it could be a mis-perception as I think a lot of Canadians cling to there cultural heritage and language even if they were born and raised here. I have asked a few people about their background and they say I'm this or I'm that. So I ask when did you immigrate, and they often say oh I was born here. I haven't followed that with a question about why they didn't say they're Canadian then, but someday when I don't think I will offend the person I will.

Because you don't have to be born here to be a Canadian...

 

[mrsprogram]

It's true.. and I mean, it's good and bad. I've met second generation people who barely speak English.. that's a bit much to me. I like seeing the different cultures and that, but being a born Canadian and speaking another language as their first language?

I was born here and my first language is my own Native language, as it was for my parents and their parents and so on. However, we're not immigrants.

 

[sbwv09]

I guess I should rephrase.. it's surprising that people who were born in Canada are not proficient in one of the official languages.

I get Allison's point.. in the US, if someone is born there, they say they are American, or Chinese American, or Mexican American, etc. Here, people identify with their parents/grandparents background more than what we're used to seeing.

It just seems to me that if you are born and educated in an English/French speaking country and you don't speak English or French, you must be making a conscious effort not to... and I'm not sure why people would do that. Not saying they shouldn't also speak other languages if they want to, but why would you not want to communicate in the official language(s) of the country of your birth and residence?

 

[AllisonVSC]

Because you don't have to be born here to be a Canadian...

OF Course. What I was trying to convey, tgchi13, was that I've met people who ARE born here who don't refer to themselves as Canadian. My partner is French by birth but has been a Canadian (actually a dual) citizen since the early 80s. He identifies himself as French or Canadian depending on the circumstances. His son (both parents are from France, he speaks French at home, spends extended time in France with his family) was born here and refers to himself as Canadian.

Mrsprogram, I completely understand about keeping the language and traditions of your family. I have had many students and friends who speak a different language at home, and I think that's both wonderful and important. I wish I spoke more than one language and my partner (who speaks 4) wishes I would have at least learned to speak French by now! I wonder though, do you think of yourself a Canadian or do you more associate your identity with your cultural heritage?

 

[tgchi13]

OF Course. What I was trying to convey, tgchi13, was that I've met people who ARE born here who don't refer to themselves as Canadian. My partner is French by birth but has been a Canadian (actually a dual) citizen since the early 80s. He identifies himself as French or Canadian depending on the circumstances. His son (both parents are from France, he speaks French at home, spends extended time in France with his family) was born here and refers to himself as Canadian.

Mrsprogram, I completely understand about keeping the language and traditions of your family. I have had many students and friends who speak a different language at home, and I think that's both wonderful and important. I wish I spoke more than one language and my partner (who speaks 4) wishes I would have at least learned to speak French by now! I wonder though, do you think of yourself a Canadian or do you more associate your identity with your cultural heritage?

Good question, and it is in line with my immediate response: I am Canadian, born and bred but when asked I state I am Irish and other. The important part - for me - is that I take for granted (and I believe you have just taught me otherwise) that it is not necessary for me to state that I am Canadian.