Farney bhoy's jokes of the week............some with a MEDICAL theme.
Doctor, Doctor
I can't stop stealing things
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, Doctor
What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains?
Pull yourself together man!
Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a bridge?
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm god?
How did that start?
In the beginning there was darkness......
Doctor, Doctor
Every bone in my body aches!
Just be glad you aren't a herring!
Doctor, Doctor
Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor
I think I've broken my neck?
Don't worry - keep your chin up!
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as
they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of
their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over
the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!!!"
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a near miss yesterday.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the man without hesitation.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."
The sadist and the masochist meet in a disreputable bar...
they are immediately drawn to each other and decide to go to a nearby rather expensive motel.
they undress and re-dress in clothes of their preference
the masochist says in a luxuriating slow purrr...
"Are ....you.. going to whip.. me...?
To which the sadist smiles cruelly and says,
"....Noooo."
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became
his stepmother.
Women are just so much smarter than men.
!
