Love or Opportunity? Coffee Social

[CanadianJeepGuy]

Thank you CJG, this is very nice of you to say.
I had something stuck in my throat about bad things my husband said his ex's said about me (she doesn't know me or ever seen me before), and he didn't stand up for me whatsoever. I don't give a damn about her opinion of me, but it bothered me the lack of attitude of my husband. As I don't want to get in a fight over this woman, I sent him an email telling him how I feel:
I do not care a bit how much money and time you spend to help *****, I do not think that's right but I don't mind, it's your money, your time and your decision.
What bothers me is that she does not respect you, and do not respect me or our relationship and you just won't say anything about it.

I think it's very noble of you to help her while she takes advantage of your kindness when is convenient but baby, please do not allow her to intrude into my life with you, do not let her speak whatever she wants, and don't you explain yourself to her about what is none of her businesses. i do not accept that.
With your attitude you are simply allowing her to continue with the same kind of attitude towards us.

Again, I don't care about the money, I don't care if she has a new pool cover or new patio furniture or a totally renovated basement but I want respect for the very least, respect for you and for our relationship.

I hope from now on you can stand up and not allow Lisa to call me names, judge us, intruding into our lives and say whatever she wants. This isn't right.
She won't respect us if you don't step up and stand up for us.

I am sorry to bring this up again but I hope by telling you this that I won't have to do this again.

I love you so much and we are just about to start our lives together, I don't wanna fight, I hate fights, so we need to set some boundaries and make things clear to start with the right foot.
What do you guys think?

I think that's a good letter. Simply his ex does not have to like you or his new life but she has to respect that he is entitled to happiness. That will be better for their kids and everyone concerned in the long run.

 

[nanediniz]

I think that's a good letter. Simply his ex does not have to like you or his new life but she has to respect that he is entitled to happiness. That will be better for their kids and everyone concerned in the long run.

Thanks again CJG. I felt I was doing the right thing telling him how I feel. Sometimes it's easier to write it than say it the right way...

 

[Steph C]

Drawing boundaries is good. It seems like your husband is susceptible to be dominated over by women, which makes her the dominant female and not you. When you draw your line in the sand, to be respected, and it's within reason, you will be the one with the control and not her, that's as it should be. Usually people have this problem with their mother in law.. it can be more tricky

 

[nanediniz]

I hope you are right Steph.
I never looked to be the dominant female, since I think that respect is also to have a relationship of equals with your partner, but if necessary, I'll step up to the plate. I just hope i don't have to.

 

[scos]

Wow, I wouldn't put up with that. Especially that he doesn't stand up for you. And if he isn't willing to do it now, is there any expectation he will do it later?

What are you going to do when she is pulling him away on your birthday, on your anniversary, etc? I don't know if you are planning to have kids with him, but if you are, watch out for the shenanigans that will begin the moment you announce you are pregnant.

And his money? Your money? I keep trying to make this point clear to my wife as well that in marriage that doesn't exists. Their is only FAMILY money. What if she starts demanding so much he can't pay some or all of the bills? What if he loses his job, are you going to take over paying his wife? What will happen when the money flow to her stops?

My brother had something similar going on with his ex and stepchildren. His new wife said she didn't mind. I predicted that within a year she would grow tired of that arrangement and she did (well, after a year and a half). She tried to make it work, but the ex was nasty and put her down every chance she got (and yes, he let her get away with it) and all the stepchildren ever wanted was free work done on their homes, gifts and money (they also looked down on her and seemed to view her as competition). When he stopped providing free services and money the invitations for him to come for dinner, etc stopped as well. Needless to say, they don't keep in contact any more. But he and his wife's relationship is much better (and they are slowly paying off the huge debt left over from the ex).

It is nice he is trying to look after his kids and all. But that's what child support is all about. If he wants more he can go for more access. If you want maybe even try for custody. But beyond that he should be really try to live in the present and that means having a healthy happy marriage with you. The way he is going now all he will have is a ticked off ex-wife and a ticked off current wife (and maybe down the road, 2 ticked off ex-wives).

 

[scos]

I guess an easier way to put it would be: if things are hard now and you aren't even in the country yet (so she still essentially has him all to herself), how much "better" is it going to be when you arrive here and you two are rivals both tugging at him trying to get his attention?

Something to ponder...

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

Where she is now is not the right place to start setting her limitations. Once she gets to Canada and gets to put her mark in her home and her husband I think the boundaries and limitations will be set naturally over time. Your husband will have to make it clear to his ex the extent of his availability to her.

I think if at some point his ex pushes you too far you should let her know just how capable a Brazilian woman can be.

 

[Steph C]

Where she is now is not the right place to start setting her limitations. Once she gets to Canada and gets to put her mark in her home and her husband I think the boundaries and limitations will be set naturally over time. Your husband will have to make it clear to his ex the extent of his availability to her.

I think if at some point his ex pushes you too far you should let her know just how capable a Brazilian woman can be.

You're right Jeep Guy. Even though I have bones to pick I try and avoid it while we're doing long distance. Confrontation can be so much easier to handle in person, and at the moment we need to keep our relationships healthy.

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

You're right Jeep Guy. Even though I have bones to pick I try and avoid it while we're doing long distance. Confrontation can be so much easier to handle in person, and at the moment we need to keep our relationships healthy.

Exactly. The distance alone is stressful enough.

 

[nanediniz]

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion guys. It helps a lot to hear from someone outside of our relationship, it's a new perspective for me.

 

[lunas]

Exactly. The distance alone is stressful enough.

Ugh no kidding!!! I don't have even a milimilimiter of space ( if that's a word) for ex's.

Hugs for you girl and be strong!!!

 

[parker24]

Ugh no kidding!!! I don't have even a milimilimiter of space ( if that's a word) for ex's.

Hugs for you girl and be strong!!!

LUNAS! Are you okay? I know you are in the Edmonton Area and there were tornado warnings lately!

 

[parker24]

I've been curious. Any of y'all had your honeymoon yet? Tony and I are going on a mini-honeymoon on my birthday weekend in August, after almost 2 years of marriage haha.

 

[simb]

I've been curious. Any of y'all had your honeymoon yet? Tony and I are going on a mini-honeymoon on my birthday weekend in August, after almost 2 years of marriage haha.

awesome..

 

[parker24]

awesome..

All we're doing is spending a weekend in Markam and going to Canada's Wonderland haha