Love or Opportunity? Coffee Social

[amikety]

Geez...can't a guy get banned for 3 days without coming back to find 35 new pages of stuff to read in a thread that USED to have 7...? :

There's obviously a desperate need for a guy's perspective on things here, so prepare yourselves for a little unfiltered dose of what I like to call reality.

Ms. Malawi: There's no such thing as a "good" excuse for not communicating with your WIFE when you're living thousands of kilometers apart from each other, with one exception: laying unconscious in a hospital. Anything short of that, and you shouldn't put up with it. You're not his girlfriend. You're not his friend. You're not his colleague. You're his WIFE. Being separated by an ocean is already more than stressful enough, so why would he want to add to your stress by not talking with you? No, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself, because by doing so, you're only going to allow it to continue happening and further encourage it. Spell it out to him very clearly that HE might think it's "no big deal" if you don't talk every day, but for you, it IS a big deal, and you don't cope well with it, AND you're not going to tolerate it anymore. Then, after you've made yourself crystal clear to him, if he continues to do it, then I'm sorry to say that you're going to have a lot of problems before you're together, and after you're together.

One of you is in Canada, and the other is in Africa. How much more SPACE does he want? And if he should ever have the nerve to tell you he wants/needs "space" ever again while you're apart, tell him the following: "Sweetie...go quickly and put on your astronaut suit, because I'm going to connect my foot with your ass with such fury that in about three seconds you'll be orbiting the planet, and then you'll have all the space you could handle."

There are 1440 minutes in a day. I don't care who you are or what your reasons are or where you're living - there's no valid excuse for why you can't talk to each for 5 or 10 minutes every day just to make sure everything is okay and to maintain that much-needed sense of bonding, especially when you don't have it in person.

Jerry84: You, also, need to spell it out clearly to your husband that what he did was not only unacceptable, but completely asinine. It's never okay to take your personal problems and blab to YOUR friend or HIS friend or anyone else except the dog.

If he misses you more when he sees you, tell him you'll be more than happy to turn off your web cam.
Oh, and what about when you'll be living together and he'll get to see you every day for hours at a time? What then? He's not going to come home because he misses you more when he sees you? The next time he gives you that nonsense, the following reply will be most appropriate: "Darling...if you're going to speak, MAKE SENSE."

And then casually mention something about how if he misses you when you're in Skype, let's see how he'll do with missing you when you're not in Skype (or anywhere else) for the next two weeks.

Do absolutely nothing. Wait for him to realize what a royal malformed intestinal gas he's being, and wait for him to call you.
The unfortunate truth is that sometimes a grown-ass man needs to be treated like a child: you need to take away what he loves the most before he can truly appreciate what it means to be without it.

Banned? I figured you were creating a new username is stalk us all...........

 

[tuyen]

Banned? I figured you were creating a new username is stalk us all...........

You seem...disappointed. Do you by chance have a secret fondness for stalkers?

Your hubby won your heart by setting up camp across the street in that Scarlet Oak tree facing your bedroom window, didn't he?

 

[waiting110]

"Sweetie...go quickly and put on your astronaut suit, because I'm going to connect my foot with your ass with such fury that in about three seconds you'll be orbiting the planet, and then you'll have all the space you could handle."



ROFLLLL !!!!

 

[amikety]

You seem...disappointed. Do you by chance have a secret fondness for stalkers?

Your hubby won your heart by setting up camp across the street in that Scarlet Oak tree facing your bedroom window, didn't he?

I used to be one!

 

[JimM]

I really wish we had a guy join our coffee break to tell us what goes through their minds

Well I'll give my perspective on the issue lol

My wife and I rarely fight but when we do it can get really nasty. And I usually don't talk to her for a day or so, which took some getting used to for her.

But it's the way I am, I need to get over being angry at the situation, (and if we've actually fought not just disagreed then there was some strong anger on both sides), before I can rationally discuss it. If my back is still up it'll just turn into another fight. So I step back, get over it and deal with anything unrelated that might be making me stressed and edgy, then we talk the matter out and resolve it. Possibly Jerry's husband is doing the same?

But that's the only situation short of one of us being somewhere with no cell phone reception that we go more than a few hours without at least some texts.

 

[lunas]

So I step back, get over it and deal with anything unrelated that might be making me stressed and edgy, then we talk the matter out and resolve it. Possibly Jerry's husband is doing the same?

that's what my husband would do. He'd "hide" to avoid another argument. So we are learning to talk about something else after a fight, for us, not talking at all or waiting caused more negative impact than positive. We'll talk about anything else or we say "I need to eat something now. Give me 5 minutes"

 

[Halfmoon]

Geez...can't a guy get banned for 3 days without coming back to find 35 new pages of stuff to read in a thread that USED to have 7...? :

There's obviously a desperate need for a guy's perspective on things here, so prepare yourselves for a little unfiltered dose of what I like to call reality.

Ms. Malawi: There's no such thing as a "good" excuse for not communicating with your WIFE when you're living thousands of kilometers apart from each other, with one exception: laying unconscious in a hospital. Anything short of that, and you shouldn't put up with it. You're not his girlfriend. You're not his friend. You're not his colleague. You're his WIFE. Being separated by an ocean is already more than stressful enough, so why would he want to add to your stress by not talking with you? No, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself, because by doing so, you're only going to allow it to continue happening and further encourage it. Spell it out to him very clearly that HE might think it's "no big deal" if you don't talk every day, but for you, it IS a big deal, and you don't cope well with it, AND you're not going to tolerate it anymore. Then, after you've made yourself crystal clear to him, if he continues to do it, then I'm sorry to say that you're going to have a lot of problems before you're together, and after you're together.

One of you is in Canada, and the other is in Africa. How much more SPACE does he want? And if he should ever have the nerve to tell you he wants/needs "space" ever again while you're apart, tell him the following: "Sweetie...go quickly and put on your astronaut suit, because I'm going to connect my foot with your ass with such fury that in about three seconds you'll be orbiting the planet, and then you'll have all the space you could handle."

There are 1440 minutes in a day. I don't care who you are or what your reasons are or where you're living - there's no valid excuse for why you can't talk to each other for 5 or 10 minutes every day just to make sure everything is okay and to maintain that much-needed sense of bonding, especially when you don't have it in person.

Jerry84: You, also, need to spell it out clearly to your husband that what he did was not only unacceptable, but completely asinine. It's never okay to take your personal problems and blab to YOUR friend or HIS friend or anyone else except the dog.

If he misses you more when he sees you, tell him you'll be more than happy to turn off your web cam.
Oh, and what about when you'll be living together and he'll get to see you every day for hours at a time? What then? He's not going to come home because he misses you more when he sees you? The next time he gives you that nonsense, the following reply will be most appropriate: "Darling...if you're going to speak, MAKE SENSE."

And then casually mention something about how if he misses you when you're in Skype, let's see how he'll do with missing you when you're not in Skype (or anywhere else) for the next two weeks.

Do absolutely nothing. Wait for him to realize what a royal malformed intestinal gas he's being, and wait for him to call you.
The unfortunate truth is that sometimes a grown-ass man needs to be treated like a child: you need to take away what he loves the most before he can truly appreciate what it means to be without it.

@ Tuyen - ASL???!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D


**mouth drop** Nooooo Waaaaaaaaaaay...Banned? How could they!!!! The forum has been yearning for your much needed "very matter of fact" opinions and advice!!

Ms. Malawi and Jerry, I truly agree with Tuyen and here's my breakdown however let's try a few things before the hubbies have to put on their astronaut suit and kicked to space with some hard steal toed stilettos!!

Side note first - I learned a long time ago that in order for me to be completely happy that I would draw up a list of things that I would not tolerate (won't compromise, won't settle aka see the door) and anything else outside of this list would be "non important". Not all men are "aware" of the needs many of us women need in order to feel loved, appreciated and valued. And FINE not their fault, not all men were born equipped with tuning into such details like Tuyen does. ;D

Now you must be saying, well my hubbie was so incredibly in tune and paid attention to all the little details when he was courting me. Again, he was insuring that his prize didn't run off so naturally, he's going to woo you until he won your heart. So what happens next? You have the hopes and expectations that it will continue until kingdom come. Well, yes, it could happen however it takes a bit of work on your end too. My philosophy is and as Tuyen alluded to and it works like a gem!!!! Here it comes.....

When my hubbie misbehaves or does something or doesn't do enough as he is SUPPOSED to, I disappear. As the saying goes, Monkey see monkey do. If after I've talked to him or have given him notice about something and his ears are still hard of hearing, the sign "Gone Fishing" comes up. You see, what I've learned with my husband and other men also, they react and understand "action" better than "demands" or "ultimatums". Ultimatums don't really work and if you've used it one too many times, it has little affect after and they tune out. When I'd want to talk to hubbie and he gives me the "I'm busy" or "brush off", the complaining has no effect. He may give me a band aid in the moment but it would happen again in a few days. Soooooooo I decided that I needed to get busy and do the things that I like and keep busy. Once that happened and he sensed I didn't give him his time when he called, OMG no word of a lie, things changed. Call me old fashion but I like to be courted and wooed continually even now that we are married. I like him to chase, it feels great. But he won't chase if your always there....that's too easy. Picture a young child who has a new toy. They play and play with it until they're bored. The moment someone in the home pays attention to that toy, the toy all of a sudden has value again. Its true, you kind of have to treat it as if dealing with a child.

I agree with Lunas also, you need to be clear, succinct in what you need and want from your hubbies. If you have an issue or a problem, it's best to let him know that you'd like to talk about it at a later point that day. It's not really effective if you call him on the spot and BANG out just put it on him. Yelling, screaming even crying would just make him go into defense mode and shut down. Give him a heads up. When the time comes, say your piece in the least amount of words and sit back and say good night. Don't do a darn thing, don't pick up that phone, don't send the text. Just sit back and carry on with your day. Depending on how much he's misbehaved, level 1 - 10, then judge accordingly. I will speak at level 10 as your hubbies have you both blowing fire our of your butts right now. Let the call go to voice mail. Go make some tea, dinner, just do the unpredictable and take your time calling him back. When you call back, first thing he's going to want is an explanation of why you didn't jump over the sink to answer his call. You DO NOT give it to him. You simply stay away from this topic and talk about anything else but. Sound happy and then get off. For the next few days, let him be the one that calls you. You don't do a dam thing! Do not sound sad, do not sound disturbed, sound like you're great (even if you want to scream and pull out your hair). I can almost guarantee you he will need and want "HIS" bonding time back. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

This has worked wonders for me and I'm sure many other women (men). Even though we talk morning, noon and night, from time to time, I throw in a treat by changing up the routine just a "little" bit. It keeps him even more interested in me and keeps him on his toes (which I believe is what men secretly love and crave).


Also, them not answering or texting back is because they can. Why do they need to put in the work if you already are. Leave them alone. Turn the table around with action not words. When a child knows his mommy is right behind him, he's going to continue to ignore or keep running. When you stop and disappear, the child turns around and all of a sudden cries MOMMMY!!!

 

[Ms Malawi]

Ms. Malawi: There's no such thing as a "good" excuse for not communicating with your WIFE when you're living thousands of kilometers apart from each other, with one exception: laying unconscious in a hospital. Anything short of that, and you shouldn't put up with it. You're not his girlfriend. You're not his friend. You're not his colleague. You're his WIFE. Being separated by an ocean is already more than stressful enough, so why would he want to add to your stress by not talking with you? No, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself, because by doing so, you're only going to allow it to continue happening and further encourage it. Spell it out to him very clearly that HE might think it's "no big deal" if you don't talk every day, but for you, it IS a big deal, and you don't cope well with it, AND you're not going to tolerate it anymore. Then, after you've made yourself crystal clear to him, if he continues to do it, then I'm sorry to say that you're going to have a lot of problems before you're together, and after you're together.

One of you is in Canada, and the other is in Africa. How much more SPACE does he want? And if he should ever have the nerve to tell you he wants/needs "space" ever again while you're apart, tell him the following: "Sweetie...go quickly and put on your astronaut suit, because I'm going to connect my foot with your ass with such fury that in about three seconds you'll be orbiting the planet, and then you'll have all the space you could handle."

There are 1440 minutes in a day. I don't care who you are or what your reasons are or where you're living - there's no valid excuse for why you can't talk to each other for 5 or 10 minutes every day just to make sure everything is okay and to maintain that much-needed sense of bonding, especially when you don't have it in person.

Thank you for the advice and you are right. The problem (which I make into a bigger problem than it is) is that I let him get away with this. I fear the bigger problems, but you are right if he can't give me 5 minutes a day even when he is mad, hes not as committed to this and me as I thought or as I am.

Thanks for taking the time to put some sense into me!!!

 

[Ms Malawi]

Well we shall see if your advice works. I am tired of always being the one to cave and give in because I hate fighting over the distance. (And I am always the one to call because of calling rates) But enough is enough. And let's just say I am not going through another one-sided marriage. Stress is part of all our lives and long distance is no easier, but life goes on and hubby either learns to cope or pack his bags. I am going to put my stance forward for the last time. He either makes me a priority in his life again by giving me a few minutes a day or he says goodbye. Then I am going to walk away and see what happens!

Too bad this is going to happen at 1 am my time

But thanks to all for the ideas and sharing your ways of handling similar situations!!

 

[Halfmoon]

Well we shall see if your advice works. I am tired of always being the one to cave and give in because I hate fighting over the distance. (And I am always the one to call because of calling rates) But enough is enough. And let's just say I am not going through another one-sided marriage. Stress is part of all our lives and long distance is no easier, but life goes on and hubby either learns to cope or pack his bags. I am going to put my stance forward for the last time. He either makes me a priority in his life again by giving me a few minutes a day or he says goodbye. Then I am going to walk away and see what happens!

Too bad this is going to happen at 1 am my time

But thanks to all for the ideas and sharing your ways of handling similar situations!!

Everything's gonna be alright Ms. Malawi.

Long distance isn't a stroll in the park and neither is marriage. Don't feel like you're the only one that goes through this. Issues arise in different ways for each couple. No more complaining, talking and as the saying goes "annnd Action!"

 

[Halfmoon]

Geez...can't a guy get banned for 3 days without coming back to find 35 new pages of stuff to read in a thread that USED to have 7...? :

Did you read all 35 pages??

 

[Ms Malawi]

Everything's gonna be alright Ms. Malawi.

Long distance isn't a stroll in the park and neither is marriage. Don't feel like you're the only one that goes through this. Issues arise in different ways for each couple. No more complaining, talking and as the saying goes "annnd Action!"

Thanks Halfmoon

I know everyone goes through something and have their own batch of issues. It just seems overwhelming when its a main focus in your life. But good things come to those who work at it and want it. We shall see. Hubby will know where I stand and how I feel about him ignoring me to avoid discussing with me what is really on his mind. Then we will talk it through and come up with a solution. Then I will go back to sleep!

 

[tuyen]

Did you read all 35 pages??

Yes...of course.

How else was I going to know if there were any new "special" people that may have tripped over their own stupidity and stumbled into this thread?

 

[Halfmoon]

Yes...of course.

How else was I going to know if there were any new "special" people that may have tripped over their own stupidity and stumbled into this thread?

If it's not this thread, it will be another!! You're like the RAID that all cockroaches run from!!

 

[tuyen]

I used to be one!

There was a time - a very brief time, mind you - where I was toying with the idea of becoming one, but then I came to my senses and realized she wasn't worth it. Later on I found out that she was actually disappointed/insulted that I didn't even TRY. :