@H0peAndFa1th
Could you please evaluate my essay and let me know where I stand in writing ?
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
first line is good, second is good, 'whether' avoid using it more than once in one paragraphSometimes organizations request job seekers personal information such as their personal interests or marital status to check whether a person is right match for their requirements. I agree with the fact that job providers need candidate's^^ personal information to know whether an individual really fits into the requirement. Also, I believe that sometimes, personal information may be irrelevant.
nice logical flow, can't find any problem in a quick read.Selecting an ideal candidate for a business requirement is a herculean task for employers. However, if they have access to overall credentials including personal information, it would be of certain help to find out the potential candidates. Of course, every organization wants to avoid a bad hire which may damage the company's productivity. Eliminating candidates based on personal characteristics will be effective and would improve the goal of finding the right candidate for the required position. For instance, married people cannot spend long hours and might not be flexible at times as bachelors does. It may be because of the family that married people are tied with. So, knowing the personal commitments would allow an employer to access whether the candidate is a right fit for what a job demands.
again nice, no problem.Nevertheless, personal information may not be required for choosing a candidate. Job seeker has to be accessed technically based on his skills and experience. If that is the case, there is no point in taking self details of job aspirant. Once the candidate joins the company, his performance is what matters which is not at all pertinent to personal details. Therefore, taking down candidate details will not be of that much use at the time of interview.
not good, though it is one line, but it is not satisfying, does not make me feel completion of an essayIn conclusion, I firmly stand by the opinion that there is nothing wrong in asking job seekers self details as this would provide more insights to know about a person even though it has some disadvantages.
Thank you very much for your feedback. that was really helpful from day1 when I started posting on this thread. Introduction and conclusions are the problematic areas in my essays which needs a lot of improvement.first line is good, second is good, 'whether' avoid using it more than once in one paragraph
there's repeat "right match for their requirements" " really fits into the requirement." avoid it, it is stating same thing, so write it in one sentence, a complex one.
Also ? "information may be irrelevant" << it is itself irrelevant so this is biggest mistake, I am confused about your view, now this doubt is giving me the chance to doubt your further paragraphs , which bad for your score
rewrite:
Although, I personally believe that requesting such information might be irrelevant, however/but/nevertheless, considering the practicality for a business, this could be beneficial for both parties.
say something like that.
and this is discuss both views, Stop telling your opinion in introductio.
for Both views essay, I prefer this method
intro :neutral introduction, introduce issue, both views
BP1:discuss first view, say some good about it, some bad ( concession ) then conclude about what you prefer
BP2:same as above
opinion paragraph or conclusion, saying, In short, In summary, To encapsulate, avoid saying conclusion, its cliche.
nice logical flow, can't find any problem in a quick read.
again nice, no problem.
not good, though it is one line, but it is not satisfying, does not make me feel completion of an essay
do you know what I mean by that, examiner is a person, so that person has feeeelings
for both views discussion essay, at least give 3 sentence or 2 longer sentence conclusion
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for this, it is clear, you clearly knows how to write paragraphs, but having problems in introductions and conclusions.
but still, this is a 7 band essay, could even get more.
This is a good paraphrased sentence, but the only issue is that underlined phrase. I think you can slightly change to "private details like their interests, hobbies, or marital status" as otherwise it looked straight copy from the prompt.@H0peAndFa1th
Could you please evaluate my essay and let me know where I stand in writing ?
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sometimes organizations request job seekers personal information such as their personal interests or marital status to check whether a person is right match for their requirements.
Very confusing thesis statement. It is very bad to get thesis statement wrong. Correction is already provided by @H0peAndFa1thI agree with the fact that job providers need candidates personal information to know whether an individual really fits into the requirement. Also, I believe that sometimes, personal information may be irrelevant.
I really love this topic sentence. Grammar and vocabulary are great for this task. 'an ideal candidate' 'business requirement' 'a herculean task' 'overall credentials' 'potential candidates' these are uncommon lexical resources and collocations.Selecting an ideal candidate for a business requirement is a herculean task for employers. However, if they have access to overall credentials including personal information, it would be of certain help to find out the potential candidates.
"bachelors does", it should be "bachelors do"Of course, every organization wants to avoid a bad hire which may damage the company's productivity. Eliminating candidates based on personal characteristics will be effective and would improve the goal of finding the right candidate for the required position. For instance, married people cannot spend long hours and might not be flexible at times as bachelors does. It may be because of the family that married people are tied with. So, knowing the personal commitments would allow an employer to access whether the candidate is a right fit for what a job demands.
"Job seeker has to be accessed", accessed isn't the right word here, it should be "assessed"... "Job seeker has to be assessed based on his skills and experience"Nevertheless, personal information may not be required for choosing a candidate. Job seeker has to be accessed technically based on his skills and experience. If that is the case, there is no point in taking self details of job aspirant. Once the candidate joins the company, his performance is what matters which is not at all pertinent to personal details. Therefore, taking down candidate details will not be of that much use at the time of interview.
I found your conclusion little be weird after reading your second body paragraph. The two paragraphs aren't connected. You discussed why personal info is unnecessary then all of sudden in conclusion you said you supported. "In conclusion, having analyzed both views, I firmly stand by...."In conclusion, I firmly stand by the opinion that there is nothing wrong in asking job seekers self details as this would provide more insights to know about a person even though it has some disadvantages.
First of all, you wrote a lot! It is around 461 words! That's almost twice the minimum requirement. Your chance of making mistakes in all sections will be higher and you won't have time for proof-reading and correction. Aim for 280-290 words.Hi @H0peAndFa1th
Could you please provide feedback
In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas.
Why do you think that is?
What problems can this cause?
The trend of people moving to urban areas is increasing enormously. With a profound exploration, a large number of reasons could be revealed. This essay describes the major reasons for the occurrence of this phenomenon as well as consequences of such a trend.
Good topic sentence. It is clear.The fundamental reason for more people drawn towards the urban cities is due to better career opportunities. Even if a person gets graduated with high grades from a village area, with respect to his job perspective, he has very limited options. In order that he pursue a competent career and a better future, he is ought to move to a city. Record says that 80% of the fresh graduates are unemployed in villages, while the rest 20 % take up some jobs which are not related to their studies. In such a situation, young people are compelled to migrate to cities.
Unnecessary paragraph. prompt didn't ask for reasonS.Secondly, parents wary for their young ones a lot. They always want to provide everything best to their wards especially in terms of education. In modern civilized cities, the quality of education, as well as the exposure the young ones get for extracurricular, is prodigiously high. Research shows that the kids grown up in cities are more proactive and competitive as compared to the kids brought up in a rural area. Thus parents who wish a brighter future for their kids chose to move to cities.
"pollution" in uncountable noun so it can't be plural. unless you meant to write "pollution's"The movement of more people to the cities can cause enormous problems related to their health. While cities are growing denser every year, this aggravates the pollutions level, which in turn causes health issues making people fall sick. The unhealthy lifestyle of the people in cities also create tremendous effects. A research conducted by the World Health Organisation, reveals that the people who stay in rural areas have comparatively more lifespan that the people in urban areas. It also produces the reports that 2 in 10 people living in urban areas are becoming obese.
Here also similar problems. you are making statements without explaining why. For instance, "people in cities follow western culture", WHY. You can say due to technological entertainments available such as Television, Internet, etc... They are exposed to external cultures which slowly eliminates the local culture... something like that...Another significant problem that arises due to this trend is degrading of the cultural and moral values of the country. It is often seen that people in cities follow western culture. While more and more kids are grown up in those environments, the country’s cultural values would get vanished. The people living in large cities are also seen emotionally detached. This is an obvious negative impact for the future generation as well as country’s traditional values.
Your conclusion is good considering the points you have made. However, I have no idea why you brought the government into this and suddenly discussed solutions. This is a conclusion. Don't bring new points. Ever.To conclude, in many countries inhabitants from rural areas are moving to larger cities due to better opportunities and exposures, which has many negative effects and problems which includes issues related to health and loss of traditional values. Hence government should take initiative in order to provide better opportunities in villages, so that people do not find a need to migrate
I had a chat with IELTS essential from IDP on facebook and asked them Are they providing pen or paper in the computer based ielts test for making notes? According to them, yes they are providing.You can highlight text, make notes on selected text. I agree it wont be as fast as on a paper with a pencil. But the main advantage would be in writing, I suppose, where you can edit and plan easily, and the best part is. it's editor seems to has the word count at the bottom.
many areas = many/various fields/industriesI've been following this thread for a while..bcoz I'm in the same boat too
Anyway, would you please check this essay for me?
We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection, and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing, or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?
No one can deny the fact that people have become more reliant on computers. They are now an integral part of many areas, such as business, hospitals, police investigations, aircraft… and so on. Personally, I tend to argue that computers will be used on large scale in the future and their negative impacts will be obvious to us.
wrong choice of word 'profit' - benefit would have been aptLooking ahead, one of the most important areas that will profit from using computers is education. The learning process, in the future, will be completely through PCs. Students will find themselves dealing with these electronic devices instead of real teachers. For example, assignments will be submitted directly to the computers and will be corrected at a click away.
It would be one of the most critical problems resulted from using computers in everything.It is also expected that computers will be extensively used for military purposes. Weapons are likely to be controlled by computers which, in turn, will reduce the number of soldiers put at risk. In fact, there are currently plans to develop a tiny computer-based helicopter that needs no pilot.
Having said that, should we consider this as a negative or positive development? Despite their benefits, there is a quite possibility that computers will dramatically raise the percentage of unemployment. This is because people are being replaced by computer-based machines. More jobless means increase in poverty and less economic growth. It would be one of the most critical problems resulted from using computers in everything.
Give more details, what mistake it could be, like that.Worse still, it is possible that computers will be a real threat to humanity. If computers keep controlling everything, a small mistake will destroy the world, particularly in sensitive areas, such as; nuclear power plants.
Conclusion seems ok for me.To sum up, it is certain that computers have been extremely beneficial for us, however, we should be aware of any possible detrimental consequences that may result from over-using them.
Hey @H0peAndFa1th good to see a 7 in writing for you. Its sad that you missed in Listening but I think one more attempt is what you need.Getting 7 band in writing for the first time.....----------------------
So here is my results of 28th July test
Overall Band: 7.5
Listening: 7.5
Reading: 9.0
Writing: 7.0
Speaking: 7.0
I had my doubts about listening, so can't blame
reading, as usual 9, was easy one.
writing, this is first time for me to receive 7 in writing, so big win for me, but I was expecting 7.5 or above.
speaking 7, fine, but disappointed because same examiner awarded me 8 band in last test
This examiner was an Indian fellow, jolly good person.
I am pretty sure, re-evaluation of this test will improve bands in writing and speaking, but I don't want to waste money
more info: I got another test result from my re-evalutation of 24th May
reading : 9 , so didn't bother to recheck it
listening was 8.5, so same
speaking and writing both were 6.5
Writing remained same, but got 7.5 in speaking, that is 1 band jump
The examiner was a foreigner, took my test 2 times, yes the same person, and awarded me 6.5 band both times, despite huge difference in performance. I opted to recheck the second one, which was my best.
both test were taken via BC, at different locations.
let's take another test.....
Do I trust IELTS system, its results or worth, NOPE I DON'T
I am just fulfilling a requirement, I need it, so they are simply taking a clear advantage of it,
A death by thousand cuts.....
I will bear it for better future.....
----------------------
I was away, will be checking, writing, essay, letters from tomorrow, this is just a quick update, so you guys won't feel alone or something....
Congrats on the result. I know you still haven't cleared IELTS, but it is a step in the right direction. Getting a 7 score is a monumental achievement lol.Getting 7 band in writing for the first time.....----------------------
So here is my results of 28th July test
Overall Band: 7.5
Listening: 7.5
Reading: 9.0
Writing: 7.0
Speaking: 7.0
I had my doubts about listening, so can't blame
reading, as usual 9, was easy one.
writing, this is first time for me to receive 7 in writing, so big win for me, but I was expecting 7.5 or above.
speaking 7, fine, but disappointed because same examiner awarded me 8 band in last test
This examiner was an Indian fellow, jolly good person.
I am pretty sure, re-evaluation of this test will improve bands in writing and speaking, but I don't want to waste money
more info: I got another test result from my re-evalutation of 24th May
reading : 9 , so didn't bother to recheck it
listening was 8.5, so same
speaking and writing both were 6.5
Writing remained same, but got 7.5 in speaking, that is 1 band jump
The examiner was a foreigner, took my test 2 times, yes the same person, and awarded me 6.5 band both times, despite huge difference in performance. I opted to recheck the second one, which was my best.
both test were taken via BC, at different locations.
let's take another test.....
Do I trust IELTS system, its results or worth, NOPE I DON'T
I am just fulfilling a requirement, I need it, so they are simply taking a clear advantage of it,
A death by thousand cuts.....
I will bear it for better future.....
----------------------
I was away, will be checking, writing, essay, letters from tomorrow, this is just a quick update, so you guys won't feel alone or something....