IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Santosh540]

@H0peAndFa1th
Please review and rate. Thank you.

Crime rate among teenagers is increasing all over the world. What are the causes and solutions behind it?

Youngsters are the future leaders of our generations. With that being said, in every part of the world, the frequency of offenses among them is rising. This essay will discuss the reasons behind this phenomenon and will provide possible solutions.

One of the main factors in this upsurge is the access teens have to violence related entertainments which are available in Televisions, video games, and mobile phones. These expose our children to hate and crime, and since they are too immature to know what is right from the wrong, they would imitate these actions. A prime example is the Grand Theft Auto series, a video game, which allows the gamers to commit unimaginable acts like rape, murder, and theft. Another factor is the lack of physical discipline by the parents. In the older times, the guardians would physically punish misbehaved children. However, nowadays, since restrictions are imposed by Child Services with the support of all the governments in the world, this disallows any harmful punishments on the kids’ bodies, parents have to resort to discussions and reasoning with the under-aged. Hence, this creates no fear for the youngsters and the freedom to do what they like.

Luckily there are ways to reduce juvenile crimes, and one of them is parents must control fully what their children do or watch in their leisure times. Because this will ensure they do not have to access contents beyond their ages, the elders will guide them to safe entertainments. In addition, the governments must revisit their policies on child services and they must loosen these rules by allowing some physical punishments on the youngsters by their fathers and mothers. To illustrate, this means using soft elements such as a belt to discipline them. Unless this is provided by the governments, teens all around the world will continue to transgress.

In conclusion, although wrongdoing by the youths of this world is surging exponentially, there are measures which can be taken to lower it. Before this gets out of hand, we must act upon to implement these solutions.

Body paragraph 1:
wrong preposition - in this upsurge --> for this upsurge
access teens have to --> teens have got access to
harmful punishments on the kids’ bodies -> harmful punishments that affect kids bodies (usage of something like this would have been appropriate)
no fear for the youngsters -> no fear among youngsters
and the freedom to do-> and gives freedom

Body paragraph2:
do not have to access contents -> do not have access to contents
beyond their ages -> beyond their age

To illustrate, this means using soft elements such as a belt to discipline them. -> Make this sentence clear.
To illustrate, allowing physical punishments by using objects such as stick to control them <add something like this>

Unless this is provided by the governments, teens all around the world will continue to transgress. -> Missing clarity again
Unless governments provide permission for parents to act on their children.< add something like this>

You structured your ideas in a proper way, every paragraph has a central idea. However there are some grammatical errors which you need to work on. The errors wherever I pointed out is based on my knowledge, even I may be wrong. I cannot give you any band as I am also an IELTS aspirant like you

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

@H0peAndFa1th
Please review and rate. Thank you.

Crime rate among teenagers is increasing all over the world. What are the causes and solutions behind it?

Youngsters are the future leaders of our generations. With that being said, in every part of the world, the frequency of offenses among them is rising. This essay will discuss the reasons behind this phenomenon and will provide possible solutions.

1S: avoid such unnecessary statements. you told the examiner that you are writing to reach the word count, I felt "so what ??" which is not a good thing, it's cliche, it's trite.

2S: "frequency of offenses among them", most would say its fine, but I don't, better : crimes committed by them are proliferating/ on significant rise/ increasing at alarming rate/ and is worry some trend. something like that which shows more complex features of the language.

3S: "This essay will discuss" I would say drop this shit, everyone else will be writing, so not good for you.
"provide" say discuss possible solution, providing sounds like sweeping statement, avoid it.

One of the main factors in this upsurge is the access teens have to violence related entertainments which are available in Televisions, video games, and mobile phones. These expose our children to hate and crime, and since they are too immature to know what is right from the wrong, they would imitate these actions. A prime example is the Grand Theft Auto series, a video game, which allows the gamers to commit unimaginable acts like rape, murder, and theft. Another factor is the lack of physical discipline by the parents. In the older times, the guardians would physically punish misbehaved children. However, nowadays, since restrictions are imposed by Child Services with the support of all the governments in the world, this disallows any harmful punishments on the kids’ bodies, parents have to resort to discussions and reasoning with the under-aged. Hence, this creates no fear for the youngsters and the freedom to do what they like.

1S: "factors" use reason because you mentioned it in intro, and whole sentence is falling apart, whether it is grammar or sense.

rewrite: one of the main reason behind this, [phenomenon] is exposure to violence through various types of media such as Television, video games, and mobile phones which is also their source of entertainment.

can you see the language in this sentence ?, yup its little complex, they need you to write it.

2S: bit odd again, follow a sequence, so reader wont ask any questions.

children dont have life experience
they are immature
they might try to imitate their favorite movie/celebrity stars, something like that.
4S: improve your language, use words like "parents were used to take punitive measures to discipline their children".
5S: " on the kids’ bodies" >> wrong word choice

believe it or not you made it controversial, you are allowed to write anything but it does not mean you can.
drop controversies, use another reason, like
nowadays both parents are working, they dont give full attention to children, unattended children seek attention, sometimes under peer pressure they indulge in unlawful activities.

now tell me, isn't that a better perspective to the problem ??, don't irk the examiner

Luckily there are ways to reduce juvenile crimes, and one of them is parents must control fully what their children do or watch in their leisure times. Because this will ensure they do not have to access contents beyond their ages, the elders will guide them to safe entertainments. In addition, the governments must revisit their policies on child services and they must loosen these rules by allowing some physical punishments on the youngsters by their fathers and mothers. To illustrate, this means using soft elements such as a belt to discipline them. Unless this is provided by the governments, teens all around the world will continue to transgress.

-- - this is a thug life situation lol, please don't do this in your real exam.

In conclusion, although wrongdoing by the youths of this world is surging exponentially, there are measures which can be taken to lower it. Before this gets out of hand, we must act upon to implement these solutions.

"lower it" >> use "curtail" etc
-------
what you are doing is called literal translation, means using your native language as English. but which is not english.
I don't thing native would say " gets out of hand " and 'the' is missing , "lower it" ,"physical punishments ",

with this kind of wording, no doubt 6.5 is maximum score you can get.
----
Read papers/essay written by native writers, read old British english [BBC etc ] to improve it, learn how they say the same thing using completely different words and styles, use that.

 

[Santosh540]

@H0peAndFa1th

Could you please review my essay and share my improvement areas ?

Many museums charge for admissions while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages.

Visiting some museums could be expensive whereas for some of them the entry will be at free of cost. However, charging money for entrance have some pros and cons which are highlighted in this argument.

Museums will give a chance for people to learn about ancient culture by displaying exhibits at one place, the exhibits have to be protected for which money is required. Some materials are really sensitive and a special care has to be taken for their maintenance. For instance, the Titanic ship which sunk in Pacific ocean was recovered by the government, but, immediately, after getting it on land, it is necessary to re-store the parts, the authorities might have spent millions to do that. In order to get the investment back and maintain the ship properly, it is required to charge money from public. Therefore, the manual work and maintenance involved in running museums do need some funds and its fair for museum authorities to fix some amount that would be levied from visitors.

On the other hand, if people are allowed to visit museums without any charge would cause some problems. Since the visit is free, many crowds would be gathering at museums. It will be burdensome on management to control the huge gatherings, which again an expenditure because they have to hire security personnel to control the public. Furthermore, there are some big museums where more man power is required, and for all the employees, monthly salaries have to be paid which again is problematic for the people managing the museums. However, some people may put off by museums, but in the interest of maintaining the old arts and culture, entertaining people without any price would turn costly. Allowing people without pay would not benefit museums.

In a nutshell, it is acceptable collecting many from people who are really interested in visiting museums. However, if the entry is allowed without any fees, the museums will run into losses and shutdown in future. Benefits of charging money from people will always be more when compared with drawbacks.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

@H0peAndFa1th

Could you please review my essay and share my improvement areas ?

Many museums charge for admissions while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages.

Visiting some museums could be expensive whereas for some of them the entry will be at free of cost. However, charging money for entrance have some pros and cons which are highlighted in this argument.

visiting and entry are two different things, make your point clear, stick to the word entry.

"will be" >> wrong, it will not be in the future, it is happening right now.
"in this argument" < wrong, say essay or paper.

suggestion: write at least 5 introductions for this same topic, all must be different.

Museums will give a chance for people to learn about ancient culture by displaying exhibits at one place, the exhibits have to be protected for which money is required. Some materials are really sensitive and a special care has to be taken for their maintenance. For instance, the Titanic ship which sunk in Pacific ocean was recovered by the government, but, immediately, after getting it on land, it is necessary to re-store the parts, the authorities might have spent millions to do that. In order to get the investment back and maintain the ship properly, it is required to charge money from public. Therefore, the manual work and maintenance involved in running museums do need some funds and its fair for museum authorities to fix some amount that would be levied from visitors.

"will give a chance" >> wrong.
"protected for which money is required" >> "thus money is required."
"care has to be taken" >> I am not sure if these are right words.
"it is necessary to re-store the parts, the authorities might have spent millions to do that. " >> check your tenses in this.

do you think, this whole paragraph makes any sense ? example, conclusion, reason, logic ? do they seem to be real in any way ? atleast make up those things which will be plausible to some extent.

On the other hand, if people are allowed to visit museums without any charge would cause some problems. Since the visit is free, many crowds would be gathering at museums. It will be burdensome on management to control the huge gatherings, which again an expenditure because they have to hire security personnel to control the public. Furthermore, there are some big museums where more man power is required, and for all the employees, monthly salaries have to be paid which again is problematic for the people managing the museums. However, some people may put off by museums, but in the interest of maintaining the old arts and culture, entertaining people without any price would turn costly. Allowing people without pay would not benefit museums.

"if" is always followed by a 'then', you missed it in first sentence, grammatically wrong.
"many crowds" ??

In a nutshell, it is acceptable collecting many from people who are really interested in visiting museums. However, if the entry is allowed without any fees, the museums will run into losses and shutdown in future. Benefits of charging money from people will always be more when compared with drawbacks.

"it is acceptable collecting many" , yup but what ??




============let's focus on positive first.

you can use rare words, means you have nice vocabulary resources. good for you.

you tried to use linking devices, furthermore, however, etc

you used, "because" , "by which" , "therefore" , good

you tried to use synonyms "management" > "people managing the museums" , avoid repetitions of words, again good.

" may put off by " "turn costly" << these ones are good

===========Negative,

Bad introductions, you clearly don't have idea what an introduction is.

Excessive use of word "will" >> avoid it. >>>> use could, would

Check your tenses,

some lines does not make sense, yes I understand what you want to say, but that is not the perfect English.

Don't expect reader to assume something, It is in your mind not readers, so you need to tell the reader in every line/sentence about your idea/context etc. eg. "acceptable collecting many" >> mention the money/funds etc.

feels like you are writing in a lots of hurry, calm and write some better pieces in a peaceful environment.
read your own essay 5-6 times, better if write it today and then read it in next morning or a day after. you will find this trick amazing, you will definitely find some serious mistakes without any problem.

Best of luck, don't repeat same mistakes.

 

[nns14]

Body paragraph 1:
wrong preposition - in this upsurge --> for this upsurge
access teens have to --> teens have got access to
harmful punishments on the kids’ bodies -> harmful punishments that affect kids bodies (usage of something like this would have been appropriate)
no fear for the youngsters -> no fear among youngsters
and the freedom to do-> and gives freedom

Body paragraph2:
do not have to access contents -> do not have access to contents
beyond their ages -> beyond their age

To illustrate, this means using soft elements such as a belt to discipline them. -> Make this sentence clear.
To illustrate, allowing physical punishments by using objects such as stick to control them <add something like this>

Unless this is provided by the governments, teens all around the world will continue to transgress. -> Missing clarity again
Unless governments provide permission for parents to act on their children.< add something like this>

You structured your ideas in a proper way, every paragraph has a central idea. However there are some grammatical errors which you need to work on. The errors wherever I pointed out is based on my knowledge, even I may be wrong. I cannot give you any band as I am also an IELTS aspirant like you

1S: avoid such unnecessary statements. you told the examiner that you are writing to reach the word count, I felt "so what ??" which is not a good thing, it's cliche, it's trite.

2S: "frequency of offenses among them", most would say its fine, but I don't, better : crimes committed by them are proliferating/ on significant rise/ increasing at alarming rate/ and is worry some trend. something like that which shows more complex features of the language.

3S: "This essay will discuss" I would say drop this shit, everyone else will be writing, so not good for you.
"provide" say discuss possible solution, providing sounds like sweeping statement, avoid it.




1S: "factors" use reason because you mentioned it in intro, and whole sentence is falling apart, whether it is grammar or sense.

rewrite: one of the main reason behind this, [phenomenon] is exposure to violence through various types of media such as Television, video games, and mobile phones which is also their source of entertainment.

can you see the language in this sentence ?, yup its little complex, they need you to write it.

2S: bit odd again, follow a sequence, so reader wont ask any questions.

children dont have life experience
they are immature
they might try to imitate their favorite movie/celebrity stars, something like that.
4S: improve your language, use words like "parents were used to take punitive measures to discipline their children".
5S: " on the kids’ bodies" >> wrong word choice

believe it or not you made it controversial, you are allowed to write anything but it does not mean you can.
drop controversies, use another reason, like
nowadays both parents are working, they dont give full attention to children, unattended children seek attention, sometimes under peer pressure they indulge in unlawful activities.

now tell me, isn't that a better perspective to the problem ??, don't irk the examiner


-- - this is a thug life situation lol, please don't do this in your real exam.




"lower it" >> use "curtail" etc
-------
what you are doing is called literal translation, means using your native language as English. but which is not english.
I don't thing native would say " gets out of hand " and 'the' is missing , "lower it" ,"physical punishments ",

with this kind of wording, no doubt 6.5 is maximum score you can get.
----
Read papers/essay written by native writers, read old British english [BBC etc ] to improve it, learn how they say the same thing using completely different words and styles, use that.

Thank you both. I will take your points into consideration.

Sad thing is that, this wasn't done under exam conditions (limited time etc...)

 

[Santosh540]

visiting and entry are two different things, make your point clear, stick to the word entry.

"will be" >> wrong, it will not be in the future, it is happening right now.
"in this argument" < wrong, say essay or paper.

suggestion: write at least 5 introductions for this same topic, all must be different.


"will give a chance" >> wrong.
"protected for which money is required" >> "thus money is required."
"care has to be taken" >> I am not sure if these are right words.
"it is necessary to re-store the parts, the authorities might have spent millions to do that. " >> check your tenses in this.

do you think, this whole paragraph makes any sense ? example, conclusion, reason, logic ? do they seem to be real in any way ? atleast make up those things which will be plausible to some extent.



"if" is always followed by a 'then', you missed it in first sentence, grammatically wrong.
"many crowds" ??




"it is acceptable collecting many" , yup but what ??




============let's focus on positive first.

you can use rare words, means you have nice vocabulary resources. good for you.

you tried to use linking devices, furthermore, however, etc

you used, "because" , "by which" , "therefore" , good

you tried to use synonyms "management" > "people managing the museums" , avoid repetitions of words, again good.

" may put off by " "turn costly" << these ones are good

===========Negative,

Bad introductions, you clearly don't have idea what an introduction is.

Excessive use of word "will" >> avoid it. >>>> use could, would

Check your tenses,

some lines does not make sense, yes I understand what you want to say, but that is not the perfect English.

Don't expect reader to assume something, It is in your mind not readers, so you need to tell the reader in every line/sentence about your idea/context etc. eg. "acceptable collecting many" >> mention the money/funds etc.

feels like you are writing in a lots of hurry, calm and write some better pieces in a peaceful environment.
read your own essay 5-6 times, better if write it today and then read it in next morning or a day after. you will find this trick amazing, you will definitely find some serious mistakes without any problem.

Best of luck, don't repeat same mistakes.

Thank you very much for the feedback. You were right that I am in a hurry to complete the essay as I am running out of time to complete the task.

 

[nns14]

1S: avoid such unnecessary statements. you told the examiner that you are writing to reach the word count, I felt "so what ??" which is not a good thing, it's cliche, it's trite.

3S: "This essay will discuss" I would say drop this shit, everyone else will be writing, so not good for you.
"provide" say discuss possible solution, providing sounds like sweeping statement, avoid it.

I was following Jay's format from E2 youtube. He says to give first sentence a general statement. On the third sentence, he says to start with "This essay will discuss"... so I will stop following his. I think you are similar with Liza as she also doesn't use general statement nor 'This essay will...' statement.

2S: "frequency of offenses among them", most would say its fine, but I don't, better : crimes committed by them are proliferating/ on significant rise/ increasing at alarming rate/ and is worry some trend. something like that which shows more complex features of the language.

Yes, I am studying different synonyms for each word. I didn't add any adjective word on 'rise' because it didn't contain either on the prompt. It just said that it was increasing.

But noted

1S: "factors" use reason because you mentioned it in intro, and whole sentence is falling apart, whether it is grammar or sense.

rewrite: one of the main reason behind this, [phenomenon] is exposure to violence through various types of media such as Television, video games, and mobile phones which is also their source of entertainment.

can you see the language in this sentence ?, yup its little complex, they need you to write it.

Well noted.

2S: bit odd again, follow a sequence, so reader wont ask any questions.

children dont have life experience
they are immature
they might try to imitate their favorite movie/celebrity stars, something like that.
4S: improve your language, use words like "parents were used to take punitive measures to discipline their children".
5S: " on the kids’ bodies" >> wrong word choice

Totally agreed. This is one of the areas I am struggling immensely. Having read this article, I see exactly what you mean by this. This is a sample text from that article:

"One of the main causes of obesity and poor health is unhealthy diets. In many parts of the world, processed food, which contains high levels of sugar and salt is readily available. This situation is made worse because this food is supported by large advertising campaigns, which are increasingly aimed at children. This results in young people developing bad habits at an early age, which continue into adulthood. Good examples include soft drinks such as Coke, as well as fast food e.g. pizza and burgers. This has been confirmed by a recent study in the USA which showed that the majority of obese people had a poor diet containing high levels of junk food."

I love how it moved what unhealthy diet is and contains, how children get attracted to it, and then this bad habit moves to adulthood and it is why obesity and poor health... Although he didn't use cohesive devices, I still think he can get 8/9 in cohesion and coherence, and similarly 8/9 in task response. Do you agree?

believe it or not you made it controversial, you are allowed to write anything but it does not mean you can.
drop controversies, use another reason, like
nowadays both parents are working, they dont give full attention to children, unattended children seek attention, sometimes under peer pressure they indulge in unlawful activities.

now tell me, isn't that a better perspective to the problem ??, don't irk the examiner


-- - this is a thug life situation lol, please don't do this in your real exam.

Haha!! I didn't think of the two parents working idea. I do agree it is less controversial but I thought we aren't judged by how strong the idea is, as long as it is relevant. So I said heck with it. From culture point of view, for us, it is OK to beat your kids but to a certain level. Hence in part of our world, this idea would not really irk anyone.

Again, agreed. The lesser controversial, the better.

"lower it" >> use "curtail" etc
-------
what you are doing is called literal translation, means using your native language as English. but which is not english.
I don't thing native would say " gets out of hand " and 'the' is missing , "lower it" ,"physical punishments ",

with this kind of wording, no doubt 6.5 is maximum score you can get.
----
Read papers/essay written by native writers, read old British english [BBC etc ] to improve it, learn how they say the same thing using completely different words and styles, use that.

I think it is fair to take your assessment from below points?:

1. Work greatly on introduction by not using unnecessary statements like S1 and S3 and use better words in S2.
2. Flow of essay in general is very good but improvement needs to be done on body paragraphs, how the main idea is extended.
3. Use less controversial ideas
4. Use correct words that are natural to the situation

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

I was following Jay's format from E2 youtube. He says to give first sentence a general statement. On the third sentence, he says to start with "This essay will discuss"... so I will stop following his. I think you are similar with Liza as she also doesn't use general statement nor 'This essay will...' statement.

He was stuck on 7.5 for a reason, read my signature post, And your general statement is other than his, he means about the topic, which you can extent with reasons and arguments, but your general statement will be considered as out of context statement or not relevant to topic.

there's huge difference in that, understand that.

Yes, I am studying different synonyms for each word. I didn't add any adjective word on 'rise' because it didn't contain either on the prompt. It just said that it was increasing.

But noted



Well noted.



Totally agreed. This is one of the areas I am struggling immensely. Having read this article, I see exactly what you mean by this. This is a sample text from that article:

"One of the main causes of obesity and poor health is unhealthy diets. In many parts of the world, processed food, which contains high levels of sugar and salt is readily available. This situation is made worse because this food is supported by large advertising campaigns, which are increasingly aimed at children. This results in young people developing bad habits at an early age, which continue into adulthood. Good examples include soft drinks such as Coke, as well as fast food e.g. pizza and burgers. This has been confirmed by a recent study in the USA which showed that the majority of obese people had a poor diet containing high levels of junk food."

I love how it moved what unhealthy diet is and contains, how children get attracted to it, and then this bad habit moves to adulthood and it is why obesity and poor health... Although he didn't use cohesive devices, I still think he can get 8/9 in cohesion and coherence, and similarly 8/9 in task response. Do you agree?

glad, you found another good source which can make you understand that in better perspective.

Haha!! I didn't think of the two parents working idea. I do agree it is less controversial but I thought we aren't judged by how strong the idea is, as long as it is relevant. So I said heck with it. From culture point of view, for us, it is OK to beat your kids but to a certain level. Hence in part of our world, this idea would not really irk anyone.

Again, agreed. The lesser controversial, the better.

yea, make your idea bank, get essay topics from internet and write main points, your ideas, write multiple ideas for same essay, most of essay come in exam are repeated, it will actually save you time there too.

I think it is fair to take your assessment from below points?:

1. Work greatly on introduction by not using unnecessary statements like S1 and S3 and use better words in S2.
2. Flow of essay in general is very good but improvement needs to be done on body paragraphs, how the main idea is extended.
3. Use less controversial ideas
4. Use correct words that are natural to the situation

I wish everyone could learn like you, and can take criticism in such a profound positive manner.

 

[ieltsaspirant]

Hi @H0peAndFa1th

Could you please review my essay and provide the feedback. I am totally in a confused state after going through plenty of essays and tutorials

Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Is it a positive or negative development?


Till a few decades ago, possessing foreign products were restricted to a group of people, considering the importing cost and availability. Glancing through the records of the bygone days this trend has changed considerably. Global market has contributed a major role in making same commodities accessible throughout the world and hence countries are becoming similar. In my opinion this is an obvious positive progress. This essay elaborates the various aspects to support my notion.

Proponents of the view that, the availability of same products all over the world is heading towards a negative development, believe that this lead to a destruction of cultural values with in the country. To illustrate this, people now a day are trying to copy the western styles especially in food and clothing. Individuals are more attracted to fast foods and pizza and fond of wearing western attires. This definitely have a bad impact on citizens and even the younger generation.

However, a convincing argument can be made to sustain the perspective that this trend has positive effects. Fundamentally, the people get a freedom of choice. Customers gets an option to select from a wide variety of products in terms of clothing, food, gadgets, etc. which could be of better quality, rather than picking from the locally produced commodities. For instance, a significant proportion of the population were buying cars manufactured by Indian company called Maruti. But with the stepping of Toyota in Indian markets, people could buy a car with better quality and with better safety precautions.

Another positive impact is that, the cost of several products would come down prodigiously. Products manufacturing method and the profit margin are different for various country’s companies, consequently the cost of the end product also varies. With the entry of low cost and good quality goods the local markets are subjected to compete and hence would be selling products with low margin and competitive prices. For example, according to the records, mobile brands sold during the years from 2015 – 2017, Redmi stands at the top. From a survey conducted by a media it would corroborate that, more people have chosen Redmi, because of its excellent features at a lower cost.

To conclude, having assessed both sides , the phenomenon of selling the same products globally, which in turn makes countries similar, is a sign of positive development, since the positive aspects outweighs the negative impacts.



Thanks in advance

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi @H0peAndFa1th

Could you please review my essay and provide the feedback. I am totally in a confused state after going through plenty of essays and tutorials

I was in same situation, everyone seems to have different opinion. but don't worry, here we are... to help.

Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Is it a positive or negative development?

Till a few decades ago, possessing foreign products were restricted to a group of people, considering the importing cost and availability. Glancing through the records of the bygone days this trend has changed considerably.

Yes, I understand you are trying to set a context here, good , but still, it is irrelevant.

Global market has contributed a major role in making same commodities accessible throughout the world and hence countries are becoming similar. In my opinion this is an obvious positive progress. This essay elaborates the various aspects to support my notion.

I feel, without above lines, its fine.

anything that talks about other than essay topic is irrelevant, even slightly.

Proponents of the view that, the availability of same products all over the world is heading towards a negative development, believe that this lead to a destruction of cultural values with in the country. To illustrate this, people now a day are trying to copy the western styles especially in food and clothing. Individuals are more attracted to fast foods and pizza and fond of wearing western attires. This definitely have a bad impact on citizens and even the younger generation.

first, nobody said it was negative, they asked you, and you said its positive, now who are the proponents of negative view ? no one actually. so first sentence makes me wonder, which is not good, it will hurt TA, C&C.

your language, or way of writing, or delivery is upto the mark, for a 7 band essay. unless you make some blunders here and there.

grammar and word choice is good.
logical flow and argument and reasons are good, but could be more elaborated.

tip, add more complex sentences

However, a convincing argument can be made to sustain the perspective that this trend has positive effects. Fundamentally, the people get a freedom of choice. Customers gets an option to select from a wide variety of products in terms of clothing, food, gadgets, etc. which could be of better quality, rather than picking from the locally produced commodities. For instance, a significant proportion of the population were buying cars manufactured by Indian company called Maruti. But with the stepping of Toyota in Indian markets, people could buy a car with better quality and with better safety precautions.

Again, good example, delivery, language, logical flow, vocabulary.

there's always room for improvement, use of But in last line, could have used however, even with fancy style like :

Stepping of Toyota in Indian market, however, gave people the opportunity of buying a car from International brand with better/exceptional quality and safety measures.

Another positive impact is that, the cost of several products would come down prodigiously. Products manufacturing method and the profit margin are different for various country’s companies, consequently the cost of the end product also varies. With the entry of low cost and good quality goods the local markets are subjected to compete and hence would be selling products with low margin and competitive prices. For example, according to the records, mobile brands sold during the years from 2015 – 2017, Redmi stands at the top. From a survey conducted by a media it would corroborate that, more people have chosen Redmi, because of its excellent features at a lower cost.

odd: country’s companies
odd: a media >> the media ?
"would corroborate that" ?? not feeling good, it was past

To conclude, having assessed both sides , the phenomenon of selling the same products globally, which in turn makes countries similar, is a sign of positive development, since the positive aspects outweighs the negative impacts.

Thanks in advance

most of it, is fine, you can vary from 7 to 8 bands,
But, I feel interrupting reader flow or stressing your reader's mind, costs you bands, it affects TA and C&C

I have see few teachers are giving examples like you gave, in last sentence. I feel it left reader wondering, and not satisfied, because he have to think, okay you said that, your example shows that.

in simple words, he has to deduct logic in his brain == bad for you.

Your last sentence must conclude your paragraph, look


general statement
reason for that
example for that reason
conclusion from statement, reason and example. which simply says, that, Therefore, this view is correct or to some extent, whatever it is.

this always, make reader feel 'full' after reading your paragraph, try to understand, he/she doesn't have to think, he/she doesn't want to think, he is getting paid by per paper basis, no one likes to read shitty essays, no one likes work, everyone is frustrated with life and wife, everyone wants to get cozyy in evening.

he/she is your enemy, not a friend, he/she just needs an excuse to shoot you, Better don't give him/her the one.

 

[nns14]

@Santosh540 @H0peAndFa1th please review and rate.

The gap between rich and poor is widening very fast. What are the causes and effects of this widening gap? You may give solutions based on your knowledge and experience.

Note: To have causes, effects, and solutions within question prompt is unusual and unlikely but regardless I wanted to increase my idea bank. It is also why response is quite lengthy.

The level between wealthy people and those under poverty lines is increasing at an alarming rate. Because of the technological improvements in workforce and financial benefits for the affluent, this gap is worryingly expanding. This directly affects the security and the power of the world unless solutions are implemented to curtail it.

One of the main causes of this proliferation is the number of unskilled jobs lost due to the recent enhancements in technologies such as agricultural machineries in farming, manufacturing machineries in production, and equipment in constructions. To elaborate further, due to no incomes, underprivileged people cannot afford education, so they settle for hunting employment to afford basic necessities like food and shelter. Since high end jobs require skills which are obtained through studies, poor people have no choice but to apply for white colored jobs. At the same time, companies are constantly investing in machineries to improve efficiency and productivity. As a result, a lot of inferior people lose their jobs. Another reason for this increasing gap is rich people have access to financial benefits from the banks. Since they have liquid assets, and at the spur of the moment, they are able to take loans to either start-up businesses or invest in the existing ones. Consequently, they increase their overall wealth.

This increasing gulf between the haves and the have-nots is adversely affecting our world. Firstly, the crime rate is surging considerably. As more people are losing their jobs due to the reason stated above, and because of their limited skills they cannot find jobs, they are unable to afford even one square meal. In order to survive, they have to resort to theft and burglary. A recent study by BBC stated the number of crimes is increasing as unemployment rate increases. Secondly, as rich get richer, their wealth will be so huge that they can have direct influences in the governance of the world. They will be able to get away with wrongdoings by paying off fines quite easily, and even afford lawyers to battle their wars in case they are caught in crimes.

So the question is: What do we do to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor? The answer is, first of all, since governments collect money through taxation, they are responsible for the well-being of its citizens. Therefore, they ought to create an equal access to education by subsidizing for the downtrodden. This will ensure underprivileged people will have shake off the stigma through free education and have access to high paid jobs later on. Secondly, governments should also encourage, by reducing tax profits, the banks to create investment programs targeting small businesses. For example, they can introduce microfinancing program like $1,000 capital investment to each small business which will be payable towards the end of financial year. If this financial assistance is provided to the low incomes, it will create boost not just for the small business but the overall economic.

In conclusion, the yawning gap between the rich and the poor is going through the roof. If immediate solutions are not implemented to reduce it, the effects will be catastrophic.

 

[ieltsaspirant]

Thank you so much H0peAndFa1th. I was wondering till now what are the improvement areas in my essays. In fact, I had attended the private coaching sessions and I was expecting this kind of scrutiny from her, but she didn't give me.

Could you please provide a clarification. For "Do you agree or disagree", "Is it negative or positive" kind of essays, is it good to pick up 2 ideas, supporting evidence etc.. for my opinion alone or we can include 1 idea for the opposite side and then mention 'positive over weighs negative'?

Thanks again,

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Thank you so much H0peAndFa1th. I was wondering till now what are the improvement areas in my essays. In fact, I had attended the private coaching sessions and I was expecting this kind of scrutiny from her, but she didn't give me.

yes I was in same boat, read this thread and you will know.

Could you please provide a clarification. For "Do you agree or disagree", "Is it negative or positive" kind of essays, is it good to pick up 2 ideas, supporting evidence etc.. for my opinion alone or we can include 1 idea for the opposite side and then mention 'positive over weighs negative'?

Thanks again

First you need to understand that, nothing here is fixed, nothing is written in stone.

our main target is :
write an essay which address 4 parts of marking criteria,
1.Task Achievement
2.Coherence and Cohesion
3.Lexical Resource
4.Grammatical Range and Accuracy

each one of these stand for 25% marks in 9 bands total.
and each one of these range from 0 to 9 band individually, like you got 8 inTA, 6 in C&C and 7 in LR, 8 in

read this pdf in detail from Bottom to TOP
https://takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/2018-01/IELTS_task_2_Writing_band_descriptors.pdf

so basically you need perform in all four parts successfully to get a overall good band score,

this is mechanical part, but human factor is also there,

Perception of human feelings, examiner who is checking your essay, If you are writing things/arguments/reasons which resonate with examiner feelings, you will naturally get a good score.

So don't write awkward stuff, no controversial issues, go with the flow.

Now let's move to essay again, they are expecting you to write in format that is accepted in British/American universities, which has very high standards.

In English it is known as "Discursive essay writing"

which answer your that particular question,
"Do you agree or disagree"
"Is it negative or positive"

think about word "OR" ,
are they asking you to choose one side ? which means you will talk about one side in both paragraphs
can you mention/discuss both sides ?

basically, this is an open ended question, nothing is fixed, all depends on you, you can whatever with it, but reader must feel satisfied with your arguments.

you could go with

>sightly agree/negative and majorly disagree/positive
> partly agree/disagree

and much more combinations like this one. but you must not contradict yourself, never confuse reader.


My approach would be,

intro > I agree with one view
BP1 > two lines about other view, use it positively which support my chosen view. conclusion in favor of my view
BP2 > fully support of my view
Conclusion > restate of both body paragraphs conclusion, and finish.

something like that.

Or just simple, chose one side, and fully support it in both body paragraphs.

one paragraph must have one idea, never mix two ideas in one BP, make another paragraph if you have any other idea.

Hope all of this will help you somehow.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

@Santosh540 @H0peAndFa1th please review and rate.

The gap between rich and poor is widening very fast. What are the causes and effects of this widening gap? You may give solutions based on your knowledge and experience.

Note: To have causes, effects, and solutions within question prompt is unusual and unlikely but regardless I wanted to increase my idea bank. It is also why response is quite lengthy.

The level between wealthy people and those under poverty lines is increasing at an alarming rate. Because of the technological improvements in workforce and financial benefits for the affluent, this gap is worryingly expanding. This directly affects the security and the power of the world unless solutions are implemented to curtail it.

ODD >> "The level between", not good choice > use gap, difference,
you could have joined first two sentences,
"This directly affects the security and the power of the world unless solutions are implemented to curtail it." >> irrelevant

vocab is really good, > "wealthy people" "under poverty lines" "affluent" "worryingly" "curtail"

One of the main causes of this proliferation is the number of unskilled jobs lost due to the recent enhancements in technologies such as agricultural machineries in farming, manufacturing machineries in production, and equipment in constructions. To elaborate further, due to no incomes, underprivileged people cannot afford education, so they settle for hunting employment to afford basic necessities like food and shelter. Since high end jobs require skills which are obtained through studies, poor people have no choice but to apply for white colored jobs. At the same time, companies are constantly investing in machineries to improve efficiency and productivity. As a result, a lot of inferior people lose their jobs. Another reason for this increasing gap is rich people have access to financial benefits from the banks. Since they have liquid assets, and at the spur of the moment, they are able to take loans to either start-up businesses or invest in the existing ones. Consequently, they increase their overall wealth.

first view : lots of gibberish talk, no sense, I am sleepy now, its boring to read it, and feeling >> WTF ?

vocab is good,
mixing several ideas is a bad idea, first pick one > complete it, then pick second and complete it.
going back-n-forth on ideas will stress the reader > bad for you.

This increasing gulf between the haves and the have-nots is adversely affecting our world. Firstly, the crime rate is surging considerably. As more people are losing their jobs due to the reason stated above, and because of their limited skills they cannot find jobs, they are unable to afford even one square meal. In order to survive, they have to resort to theft and burglary. A recent study by BBC stated the number of crimes is increasing as unemployment rate increases. Secondly, as rich get richer, their wealth will be so huge that they can have direct influences in the governance of the world. They will be able to get away with wrongdoings by paying off fines quite easily, and even afford lawyers to battle their wars in case they are caught in crimes.

It follows good sequence. makes sense. no stress.
vocab is good.

So the question is: What do we do to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor? The answer is, first of all, since governments collect money through taxation, they are responsible for the well-being of its citizens. Therefore, they ought to create an equal access to education by subsidizing for the downtrodden. This will ensure underprivileged people will have shake off the stigma through free education and have access to high paid jobs later on. Secondly, governments should also encourage, by reducing tax profits, the banks to create investment programs targeting small businesses. For example, they can introduce microfinancing program like $1,000 capital investment to each small business which will be payable towards the end of financial year. If this financial assistance is provided to the low incomes, it will create boost not just for the small business but the overall economic.

Vocab is damn good,
logical flow is very good in this para. no stress. its clear.

In conclusion, the yawning gap between the rich and the poor is going through the roof. If immediate solutions are not implemented to reduce it, the effects will be catastrophic.

good conclusion

Excessive use of WILL, use could would may might etc,
don't make sweeping statements like this one " effects will be catastrophic"
instead say " effects might be catastrophic" It can happen or not.


causes and effects of this widening gap? You may give solutions

you could have done this

BP1
a cause
a effect
a solution

BP2
a cause
a effect
a solution

It will help closing the idea where it is, very minimal stress on reader, and I guess will be easy to write.

clearly feels like 7 band essay.

 

[ieltsaspirant]

Thank you once again..Started getting fair picture