IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

Task 1
You missed an appointment. Write a letter explaining what happened. In your letter include:
1. what the appointment was
2. a apology for missing the appointment.
3. a request to reschedule.

Just one thing do not send multiple task in one post for review. It won't help you. Just writing a lot won't help in improving the writing. It would be better to read the feedback and correct the mistakes next time you write.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to formally apologize for my absence at the annual company owner's appreciation appointment. Please allow me to elaborate on what happened that prevented me to attend the appointment. Seems like your favorite line. It was in previous letter also. It is not adding any value. Just don't write it.

I am truly aware that the appointment was significant for maintaining the good relationship between your company and ours. We have been having a good deal for the whole time and I would have not missed the meeting for any reason. Unfortunately, one of my parents had medical emergency, and a guardian was necessary for him to have a surgery. My mother was out of town hence I was the only one who was eligible for signing the paper. It was for this reason why I did not have a chance to contact you yesterday. Please do not be concerned about my father, the surgery went well and his recovery is rapid.

The lines marked in red could have been written better. Just keep things simple.

I hope you can feel the empathy for my situation. Since he is recovering fast and would be released from hospital next Thursday, I am hoping to reschedule the appointment on next Friday. If the date does not fit you, please get back to me with a suggested date.

Thank you for your understanding,

PI

Last para is fine.

Task1
You have a suggestion for a park nearby where you live. Write a letter to your city's council. In your letter include
1. what your suggestion is
2. Why you think this suggestion will improve the park
3. When you would like to see this suggestion in action

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing the letter to outline a point in which the South Park could improve. Why not mention the point in the introduction itself? Anyways you need to elaborate and show how the point benefits in the next para.

Please allow me to elaborate on how.Once again!!

While I was having a walk with my child, I could not help but to notice that there are cars running at high speed throughout the park, even near the playground. It is extremely dangerous to have vehicles without any signs to limit their speed. I had to keep my eyes on my child for the whole time to ensure his safety, which eventually made us to leave the park due to the anxiety.

Good idea! and well written barring the first line.

I cannot imagine the reason why the park is designed this way and I am sure that I am not the only one who felt the same way. I hope you will consider my suggestion and make necessary change as soon as possible to have everyone secured.

Thank you for your consideration.

PI

Good attempt. I can see you can write well but be more clear in your writing. Read a few sample tasks.

 

[cansha]

You want to sell some of your furniture. You think a friend of yours might like to buy it from you.
Write a letter to your friend. In your letter
· explain why you are selling
· describe the furniture
· suggest a date when your friend can come and see the furniture

Dear Wilson,

Hope you are doing good. As you might know that I am permanently moving to Canada on immigration and I am disposing off all my belongings in this city. I thought you might be interested in buying my furniture, as you are also marrying getting married soon.

My bedroom set includes a king size bed, a master motlyfoam mattress, a dressing table and a three partition cupboard. Whole furniture is made up of genuine oak wood with fine patterns and finishing. It is still in impeccable condition with non-existent no scratches. Few cracks have appeared on the backside of the table, which occurred due to moisture from the bathroom no need for this line and somehow it doesn't sound correct. ; However, that piece can be replaced easily.

I am attaching few pictures for your quick reference, but you can visit me anytime My suggestion would be to follow task response in IELTS. if they are asking you to suggest a date, just suggest a date. Do not leave anything to chance. Just say visit me next Sunday on xyz date. Make sure task response is obvious.

to inspect it and have a get together before I leave. Let me know if you are interested, so that I can remove the advertisement from local newspaper.

Regards,

AMK

 

[cansha]

we are not experts, finding faults in other's work is much easier than producing a error free essay, I myself getting my essays checked from Cansha (secretly )

Agree reviewing is relatively easier job. But given the influx of essays on this thread, it has been hard to keep up. And, I'm very happy to see people making improvements with each essay. Now just waiting for news of good scores from everyone.

I would say its trick question, they rarely come as question, but Its still better if you could just elaborate 3 drawbacks in 3 body paragraphs, yes they will be smaller, one paragraph one idea, less confusion etc.

I will answer like this, easy for me to write on computer.

Advent of technology has tectonically shifted the way we used to access the information in the past, such as accessing the apple pie recipe quickly without finding and referencing the grandma's old hardcover book. Admittedly, needed any information is just a click away, however, there are hard to ignore downsides which need to be addressed accordingly.

Good intro!

To begin with, children these days have unattended access to smart phones, ipads and computers which enables them to access information freely without any stringent restrictions. Young impressionable minds can easily be lured into unlawful activities such as terrorism, through the specifically designed propaganda to brain-wash them and to change their orientation.

It's probably not incorrect but I wouldn't stretch directly to terrorism.

Drug misuse is the most concerned issue worldwide in the last few decades. Information related to growing certain plants and use of simple prescriptions for recreational activities is readily available on the Internet.In fact, even after taking down hundreds of websites, information related to this never disappeared from the face of the Internet.

Good idea. Slightly under-cooked in the end. Should have closed it better.

Another highly debated issue related to use of guns and ammunition is linked infamously to the information on Internet, because a 14 year old, as shown in news, made a pistol with his 3d D hobby printer after downloading the handgun schematics from the Internet which successfully fired shots. This is new and rather worry-some use of information at hand.

To encapsulate, there are drawbacks of quick access to information which are not limited to issue discussed above, I personally feel that Internet is acting as a double edged sword, we have come long way from what it was once invented for with the intentions in mind.

I guess there are error in phrasing of conclusion. could be some more.

but this approach could fetch 7

could somebody please review my this essay ?

This could fetch a 7 for sure.

 

[Jimmy_McGill]

Hello....fellow suffers.. Again I'm here bothering you and begging for your useful comments and suggestions.. thanks!!!


Prompt:

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Essay:

Public health is a social issue. It is argued by some that the most suitable strategic to enhance public health is having more sports centers available, while others counter this argument by stating that it is highly ineffective and others solutions are needed. I personally believe that both approaches are valid and need to be combined to improve people's health in the long term.

Regular exercise, as proven by World Health Organization (WHO), is one of the most effective method to have a healthy and long life. Having a great number of sports facilities with a wide variety of activities (golf, tennis, swimming, crossfit, dance, etc.), in the community, would definitely motivate and encourage people to practice sports and do exercise regularly, with the corresponding improvement in their overall health: less stress and better mood.

Likewise, introducing a ban on smoking and promoting a balanced diet among citizens are both wisely ways to tackle positively the challenge to keep people healthy. It is well known that tobacco cause numerous diseases, for instance lung cancer. Thus, if people are not allowed to smoke, there would be an undeniable advance in public health. In the same way, if people follow a healthy diet by eating more veggies, fruits, and less processed foods, many chronic illness such as obesity, blood pressure and diabetes would be reduced drastically.

To summarize, although it is certainly true that people would feel a irresistible impetus to work out if there were a large number of sports facilities at hand, it is also true that if they are forced to quit smoking and convinced to eat more natural foods, unfailingly their health would be much closer to be perfect.

(280 words)

 

[Akhil Soni]

Very good intro! I like how you have interpreted the topic and brought in the concept of e-books. Nicely done!


Agree with the idea flow here. First line could be written better. But, overall I can follow the idea flow and logic so good!



See this is a tough one to comment. May be someone else can comment too. I don't know how much they are looking at the logic of the idea vs English. See, I think closing down public libraries would mean closing down of publishing houses is just too big a stretch of logic. I don't agree at all.

Also, most public libraries are free for general public so I don't agree with loss of revenue for Government also. So it is a tough one to comment on. English wise no issues but I don't agree with the logic and argument.



Overall, no big issues with grammar. I really liked how you set up the intro. But I think para three could be better. If it was written better this could have been a great essay. But, this is my personal opinion and you can disagree.

Also, read a few more high band essays and see how they handle the conclusion paragraph.

Hi Cansha,
Thank you for your time and analysis. I agree with you that third paragraph is little offline but I thought that because public libraries nowadays are one of the major buyers of printed books so closing down libraries and using online books would have an impact on the publishers and printers, therefore, I deduced this logic. But I agree with you that it will be perceived as a little far stretched logic. Will keep it in mind.

Can you please suggest a good source for reading band 9 essays as I am appearing for 13th October. Thank you so much for your help.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Agamjot .. you're spot on buddy! The process of going from idea to simple sentence to complex sentence is perfect. However, when I wrote that I was thinking of one step deeper / higher. Let me illustrate it with an example. Let's pick the same topic as yours. So, the topic is

Some people say that private health care is better for people. Others say that healthcare should run by the government.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

When I read the topic I do not form any opinion on the topic. I start with brainstorming and try to think of as many ideas as I can. Also, I don't limit the ideas in terms of their applicability to the topic. So for this topic let's say these are my rough notes

Topic says private vs government healthcare

Healthcare can refer to hospitals so gov vs private hospitals
May be healthcare insurance so govt vs private health insurance
What else may impact healthcare cost? May be government vs private medical colleges?

Okay what is good in private hospitals?
Well maintained .. A/c rooms almost like 5 star hotels, Better doctors and machines, better systems, online booking system, online health records, space for visiting family members, more innovation, multi specialty and super specialty hospitals

What's bad ... May be cost. private organizations are driven by profit, stories of inflated bills, people with less privileged background can't afford them. No private hospitals in rural areas as profits are less

What's good in Government hospitals?
Less cost, available in rural areas, etc. Universal healthcare only possible if government plays its role.

What's bad? They are not clean or well maintained. Bad facilities for patients and visiting family members, less innovative

Can we have only private vs govt healthcare ... may be not. May be a hybrid model where primary healthcare is government and specialty care is private or vice versa.

Okay now I have all the rough ideas... Based on the above ideas I can actually take 5 different approaches to essay structure and introductions

Approach 1: Strongly agree for private healthcare. My intro will have a line like

I strongly endorse the view that healthcare should be privately owned as private organizations are able to attract better talent, drive innovations and maintain high quality standards which are not possible in Government driven institutions.

Approach 2: Strongly agree for Government healthcare. My intro line will reflect that.

I strongly believe that healthcare of a nation should be owned and driven by government as only government can fulfill the dream of universal and affordable healthcare whereas private enterprises are just driven by profit.

Approach 3: Concede that Government healthcare also has benefits but lean towards Private healthcare

In my opinion, although government driven healthcare has benefits like affordable healthcare but in the long run we need innovation and research which will be possible only if private organizations invest in healthcare.

Approach 4: Concede that private healthcare has benefits but lean towards Government Healthcare.

In my opinion, although private hospitals have brought in benefits like better systems and innovation but given that a large population is still struggling for access to basic healthcare, government driven healthcare is more important for society.

Approach 5: Say that private healthcare and government healthcare are equally important

In my opinion, government and private healthcare have an equally important role to play where government should focus on the primary and preventive healthcare whereas private healthcare should focus on specialty healthcare.


Basically, your introduction should set up the essay and make it clear what your "story" is. Hence, the suggestion to practice introduction paragraphs. To be honest these intro lines are not that well written but I just wanted to give an example on how you can have multiple possibilities in the same topic.

Very informative.. Thank you so much.

I have to say your way of clarification is exceptional, which is encouraging as well.
So basically it is the planning, what helps to write a better essay and how to plan your essay is really up to you as per your skills. right ?

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Watch it people

very detailed and informative video. thanks for sharing

 

[Tech_girl123]

we are not experts, finding faults in other's work is much easier than producing a error free essay, I myself getting my essays checked from Cansha (secretly )




I would say its trick question, they rarely come as question, but Its still better if you could just elaborate 3 drawbacks in 3 body paragraphs, yes they will be smaller, one paragraph one idea, less confusion etc.

I will answer like this, easy for me to write on computer.

Advent of technology has tectonically shifted the way we used to access the information in the past, such as accessing the apple pie recipe quickly without finding and referencing the grandma's old hardcover book. Admittedly needed information is just a click away, however, there are hard to ignore downsides which need to be addressed accordingly.


To begin with, children these days have unattended access to smart phones, ipads and computers which enables them to access information freely without any stringent restrictions. Young impressionable minds can easily be lured into unlawful activities such as terrorism, through the specifically designed propaganda to brain-wash them and to change their orientation.


Drug misuse is the most concerned issue worldwide in the last few decades. Information related to growing certain plants and use of simple prescriptions for recreational activities is readily available on the Internet.In fact, even after taking down hundreds of websites, information related to this never disappeared from the face of the Internet.


Another highly debated issue related to use of guns and ammunition is linked infamously to the information on Internet, because a 14 year old, as shown in news, made a pistol with his 3d hobby printer after downloading the handgun schematics from the Internet which successfully fired shots. This is new and rather worry-some use of information at hand.


To encapsulate, there are drawbacks of quick access to information which are not limited to issue discussed above, I personally feel that Internet is acting as a double edged sword, we have come long way from what it was once invented with the intentions in mind.

I guess there are error in phrasing of conclusion. could be some more.

but this approach could fetch 7

could somebody please review my this essay ?

That is a great essay . I would write my version today and compare with yours probably.. I frankly cannot review since I am a learner myself but can certainly share my ideas

 

[Moeedkh]

please if it asks, agree or disagree, say you agree or disagree, don't write your opinion, because, your opinion could be vague to the topic given, or it could be entirely different if you unluckily misunderstood the topic.

you are giving benefits in an intro, example ?, are you sure this is intro to the topic ?


I like and dislike this intro at the same time,
It says alot,
it says little or nothing about the topic
you missed the topic
Fashion trends are difficult to follow these days
it’s widely believed that they primarily exist just to sell clothes.
what we like and feel comfortable in.

that is the topic, read your intro and see how much it relates to this topic

A rewrite, more focused on the topic
With the presence of multi-national companies and brands available in each country, and a fight for the same pie share of customers has forced these companies to regularly update their fashion trends. Nowadays, they change it so often which lead people to believe that it is a zero sum game to squander money on following these hyperbolic trends. I agree with the view that one should wear simple and comfortable clothes rather than following globalized/international trends.




this is not an intro, same problem as above


if these are introductions then you are failing at it.

HI,

Ive read somewhere that best intros should be an anecdote, a fact, an story etc. Thats what I tried. but I wonder whats wrong with it. Can you shed further light on it. I think the more I am trying the more I am struggling.

Rg
Moeed

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Kindle check my essay and give your suggestions. I know it is bit long but I'll try my best to shorten it next time. Thanks in advance
I chose same topic as @Jimmy_McGill ... Thank you for great topic

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is argued by some people that development of more sports facilities is the key to ameliorate public health; others, on the contrary, believe that it is not a viable solution and other steps should be needed. In my opinion, latter standpoint is more reasonable and imposing high taxes on junk food could be a workable alternative to this.

To begin with, one section of society claims that the more the sports facilities will available, the more the healthy citizens will be. To put it in perspective, majority of population either have after-work fatigues or have sports centers that are far away from their societies, thereby repealing them to do exercises every day. Now, with greater availability of recreation establishments in every community will not only save the time of people, but also encourage them to do regular workout. In Mumbai, for instance, 56 percent more people are attending sports centers after the increase of sports facilitates in the city.

By contrast, others, including me, contend that sports facilities have little influence on public well-being and other method in terms of levy charges on fast foods could be better substitute. Increasing taxes would raise costs of convenience meals, and conclusively, people would not be able to afford this food because of its unaffordable price. By doing so, junk food will soon become a luxury cuisine and would be consumed occasionally, which would be less harmful to public’s health. After all, majority of health-related issues are not the consequences of lack of facilities, but of unhealthy obsession with these high-calorie diets. Canadians, for example, consume 24 percent less fast-foods as compared to the past and gradually becoming healthy citizens in the world.

To sum up, despite the fact that people would be boosted to do regular exercises with the more availability of sports center, such other ways as huge charge on junk food could be a preferable replacement.

Word Count : 317

(I tried to use some new structures as suggested by @cansha ) please help me to improve my mistakes.

 

[Achillies]

Moderators and helpers, please review and provide your feedback.

Happy to get as many negative comments as possible.
Will take them positively.

Topic:
Some people think that more money should be spent on protecting endangered species while others think it is a waste of valuable money.
What is your opinion?

Essay:

Although it is sometimes thought that more money should be provided to protect some species who are on verge of extinction, others believe that it is wastage of the crucial finances. In my opinion, I think that saving endangered species not only helps the ecosystem and food-chain but its also crucial for human's survival and this clearly rules out the possibility of any wastage of money.

One good reason to put more money into saving these endangered species is that it helps is in protecting ecosystem. In other words, every species in the world plays a crucial role in our ecosystem and food-cycle, which is the essential part in sustenance of environment. For instance, Tiger is an important part of food-chain as it controls the population of Deer by feeding on them, which consequently helps in maintaining the population of Deer. Having more money diverted towards saving the endangered species would help us save the ecosystem which would help in the survival of all animals in the world.

Saving the species, which are on the verge of extinction, is not a wastage of money. Letting these species die and doing nothing would throw the ecosystem balance off, as these species play a vital role in maintaining the same. Government must always provide enough support to help these species to revive the numbers because there are numerous repercussions which we might be unaware of. Take for example the campaign "Save The Tiger", if the government has not invested heavily to save the Bengali Tiger, population would have continued to decline, leading to total wipe out of the species and causing a negative ripple effect on the ecosystem.

In conclusion, despite people having differing views on saving endangered species, I believe saving these species is crucial of Mankind's survival and it clearly negates the minute possibility of money wastage.

 

[cansha]

Very informative.. Thank you so much.

I have to say your way of clarification is exceptional, which is encouraging as well.
So basically it is the planning, what helps to write a better essay and how to plan your essay is really up to you as per your skills. right ?

Yes basically don’t limit yourself at brainstorming phase. Many a times when we read the topic we thing oh I will agree to the topic and I can write the essay. Then while writing the essay you realize that you could have written a different essay better or written the same essay in different way.

So force yourself to think and write as many points as possible. Try it!!

It will be difficult at first. Therefore I suggest don’t think of writing a full essay else it will be quite disappointing. Once you train your brain to think to generate ideas over a week you will see that you’re able to generate a lot of ideas. Also don’t limit the ideas at the brainstorming phase. Just write them.

So that’s phase 1 then phase 2 is reading your ideas and finalizing your approach.

Phase 3 is further solidify your approach with your introduction. For me the introduction is the foundation of the structure of your essay and a good written introduction can take care if both task response and cohesion.
For example, if you give an opinion very clearly in the introduction itself the examiner knows very early that you have given an opinion and subconsciously task response is a check in his mind. Also, if you list reasons for your opinion in the introduction itself and follow the same order in body paragraphs it will give a sense of cohesion.

Many a times I see introductions like

First line .... paraphrasing of topic line
Second line ... this essay will discussus both sides and provide an opinion in the end.

English wise nothing wrong in the introduction BUT as a writer you miss an opportunity to setup the essay and ensure good marks on task response and cohesion.

May be it sounds a little complicated while reading but trust me it is not. This was my process and may or may not work for people here on the forum. Try it if it doesn’t work just leave it. Not all people have same thinking process so it could be different for all.

In short don’t just “jump” into writing the essay. Train yourself to “think” first. You can choose your own thinking process. Trust me all of us here are much better then our essays reflect here.

All the best!

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

HI,

Ive read somewhere that best intros should be an anecdote, a fact, an story etc. Thats what I tried. but I wonder whats wrong with it. Can you shed further light on it. I think the more I am trying the more I am struggling.

Rg
Moeed

Intro is mainly paraphrasing,

Introducing topic to the reader without using exact words from the prompt

watch it for clarification,

 

[cansha]

Hi everyone,

This is a question for anyone who has taken professional help in essay reviewi

Hi Cansha,
Thank you for your time and analysis. I agree with you that third paragraph is little offline but I thought that because public libraries nowadays are one of the major buyers of printed books so closing down libraries and using online books would have an impact on the publishers and printers, therefore, I deduced this logic. But I agree with you that it will be perceived as a little far stretched logic. Will keep it in mind.

Can you please suggest a good source for reading band 9 essays as I am appearing for 13th October. Thank you so much for your help.

honestly I didn’t have a source per se. I would just google ielts band 9 essay and read whatever came up. To be honest there were many essays which the tutors on websites claimed are band 9 but didn’t look that good. But that doesn’t matter as our goal is not 9. Anything above 7 will do. So just google it and read whatever comes up. My approach was to read essays from different essay types and I mainly focused on introduction and conclusion.

 

[cansha]

Hi everyone,

This is a question for anyone who has taken professional help in essay reviewi

honestly I didn’t have a source per se. I would just google ielts band 9 essay and read whatever came up. To be honest there were many essays which the tutors on websites claimed are band 9 but didn’t look that good. But that doesn’t matter as our goal is not 9. Anything above 7 will do. So just google it and read whatever comes up. My approach was to read essays from different essay types and I mainly focused on introduction and conclusion.

I was writing a different post when I wrote the above. So both got mixed.

My question was to anyone who has taken professional essay reviewer help.

I just wanted to know do they comment on logic of an argument or just focus on the English?
How brutal is their feedback?