IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

Thank you brother. Your review puts me into a situation, where I can't decide why I have dragged myself into this confusing state. My fall from 7.5 to 7 and 6.5; obviously "Task achievement" (as you observed while reviewing above essay). Need to relax my senses first, after that require to start again. (Just like rebooting computer).

Anyway, I appreciate your honest review and comments. Now it's my sole duty to find and overcome these issues.

Best wishes..!!

Appreciate your positivity in receiving feedback. It is not easy to get critical feedback. I think you're correct on "rebooting". Sometimes when we try too hard we tend to over complicate simple things and I think that is what is happening here.
Wish you all the best!

 

[cansha]

@cansha ; No need to give thorough review, just read and add comment in the end. Just your comments with rating as per your opinion from 1-10.

Some people think that children should receive formal training at school on how to be good parents in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#one sided approach:

It is commonly believed that children should get formal training at school on how to be good parents in their future. In my opinion, I completely agree that children should get formal training to become good parents to incorporate parenting skills, and to make stronger bonds with their own parents.

One good reason to made parenting subject mandatory is to educate children about parenting skills. When they are taught about the amount of patience and care involved while raising a child, they naturally use these indispensable skills in their studies. For instance, with patience, they can understand diverse range of subjects more deeply without getting bored.

Another point to consider is that with training about the efforts involved in parenting they can understand their own parents better. Therefore, the bond between children and their own parents will definitely going to improve. This bonding will construct a more positive environment among families, where children will help their parents in their household stuff to reduce their parents burden.

Finally, with the formal subject in schools children not only get ready for their own future as a parent but also they will start caring of those children who are currently in their family. For example, many children have their niece and nephews, and young cousins in their own family. When they have knowledge about how to handle their odd behavior, they will more likely to properly take care of them.

In conclusion, children should learn all necessary aspects of parenting skills from mandatory formal subject in their curriculum at schools. This will help them to maintain happiness within their own families, and to construct bright future for themselves.

Is this an actual IELTS topic? Weird one!

BP1 is confusing. First line in BP1 is kind of redundant. for example lets topic was should school children be taught horse riding in school. Your first line reads like School children should have mandatory horse riding lessons so that they can learn horse riding skills. Not very useful right?

BP2 is good. Best in essay

BP3 is okayish.

Overall 1-10 I would rate it around 6.

 

[yoloraw]

Is this an actual IELTS topic? Weird one!

BP1 is confusing. First line in BP1 is kind of redundant. for example lets topic was should school children be taught horse riding in school. Your first line reads like School children should have mandatory horse riding lessons so that they can learn horse riding skills. Not very useful right?

BP2 is good. Best in essay

BP3 is okayish.

Overall 1-10 I would rate it around 6.

These topics are from IELTS looks published by local Authors. Not sure these are relevant or not.

That's lovely, thanks..!! This is what I was looking for.

Some improvements, wanted to know whether I am getting the point or still missing it?

BP1:
One good reason to introduce parenting subject in schools is to educate children about parenting skills such as amount of patience involved, caring, handling new born, ways of feeding, and knowledge about vaccinations. These skills will surely improve their thinking and develop maturity in them. Many children as students, for instance, use these skills to work as part-time caretakers. Which will support them financially to pay their fees. In addition, they can incorporate practical knowledge in this subject.

BP2: Ok

BP3:
Finally, when children are taught about parenting aspects at school, they can take care of their little siblings in the absence of their parents. For example, often parents have to go out for work or to buy household items. For them - the easiest solution to this situation is to leave them under the observation of their own elder children. Moreover, these scenarios will eventually develop a sense of responsibility and increase their children' confidence to handle certain situations independently.

Improved or lost?

 

[yoloraw]

Some people think that children should receive formal training at school on how to be good parents in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Approach: Specific opinion

Intro:

It is often thought that children should get formal training at schools on how to be good parents in the future. In my opinion, it would be problematic for majority of the students to understand parenting skills, therefore, whether to provide formal training to become good parents or not - should depend upon children' age group.

Teaching in schools about parenting to all children will create unnecessary burden on them; along with other important subjects such as Science, Mathematics, Social studies, English, and Physical education. Majority of school time is already allocated towards these important subjects, therefore, it will be difficult not only for children but also for school management to introduce extra subject in their already crowded curriculum.

Another point to consider is that when students will get knowledge about parenting they will only get theoretical knowledge, which will be faded away with time. The only reason behind this would be that this parenthood will come in their distant future. For instance, we tend to easily forgot theories if they have not observed or learnt practically. In case of becoming a parent, it is impractical especially for children.

Finally, the best solution for formal training on parenting should only be considered when a child attain certain age group; where he or she can understand the real meaning of becoming a parent. For instance, children above 16 years of age can incorporate parenting skills more effectively than pupils who belongs to a primary school.

In conclusion, introducing parenthood learning for all school goers will be problematic. Hence, formal education to become a good parent must be provided to high school going children in order to convey the actual meaning accordingly.

 

[velocityblood]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th

Planing to write again please help with the evaluation.

Topic: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?

It is often seen in Britain that old people tend to move in retirement homes to live among the people of their age, supported by caretakers. The expenses are mostly taken care by the government bodies. In my opinion, the government should take care of their expenses as various taxes are paid by people during their service tenure and family may not be in a stable financial state to pay for all the expenses.

The reason for moving to a oldage home for an old person could be various including the unstable financial condition of family to borne the expenses or conflict of thoughts among the family members. In the above listed circumstances it is easy to figure out that the family would not be willing to pay for all the expenses mainly the costly affairs like, medicine, health checkup and hiring of a nurse. Although family may occasionally take care of small expenses expecting much is not wise.

At the same time, government bodies collect various taxes from people during their service period in form of retiring funds. These funds are used for maintaining and running the facilities for retired people of old age. So, when people pay their hard earned money in various forms, it is governments's responsibility to offer a smooth life to these people who are unable to support themselves anymore at this period of their age. Government can easily fund the cost of living for these people as they have all the resources available to name a few, state run hospitals, state run schemes for subsidized food and clothing.

To conclude, the expenses of the people living in oldage homes can be best taken care by the government as they collect funds from people and have all the required resources to provide for their daily needs. It is also predicted that government will soon establish a separate body who will be responsible for ensuring that every one who is 60 year or elder will get access to all the basic facilities for their daily routine.

 

[velocityblood]

@cansha you have given a lot to this forum words are not enough to thank you guys.
@H0peAndFa1th you have equally supported all the times and also whenever @cansha is not available.
Thanks In Tons Guys.....

 

[cansha]

These topics are from IELTS looks published by local Authors. Not sure these are relevant or not.

That's lovely, thanks..!! This is what I was looking for.

Some improvements, wanted to know whether I am getting the point or still missing it?

BP1:
One good reason to introduce parenting subject in schools is to educate children about parenting skills such as amount of patience involved, caring, handling new born, ways of feeding, and knowledge about vaccinations. These skills will surely improve their thinking and develop maturity in them. Many children as students, for instance, use these skills to work as part-time caretakers. Which will support them financially to pay their fees. In addition, they can incorporate practical knowledge in this subject.

BP2: Ok

BP3:
Finally, when children are taught about parenting aspects at school, they can take care of their little siblings in the absence of their parents. For example, often parents have to go out for work or to buy household items. For them - the easiest solution to this situation is to leave them under the observation of their own elder children. Moreover, these scenarios will eventually develop a sense of responsibility and increase their children' confidence to handle certain situations independently.

Improved or lost?

BP1: Let me continue with my previous example "Should children be taught horse riding in school?" Your BP equivalent is follows
One good reason to teach horse riding to children at school is that they would be able to take care of their pet horses, feed them grass and take them to pond so that horse can drink water. These skills would make them better at handling horses and they would be able to take part time jobs in horse stables which will support them financially.
Now the question is - Is that the objective of this question? To impart skills which lead to jobs? If that were so, if I'm the reader my first thought is what the hell why the school is not teaching better skills to make part time money.
Do you see issue in your line of reasoning? Honestly, I don't find any merit in that BP. It is not the English. It's the whole argument is flat and not really convincing.

BP3 - Better and makes sense. Last phrase "confidence to handle certain situations independently" is way open ended. What type of situations? Why would they be in such situations?

 

[cansha]

Some people think that children should receive formal training at school on how to be good parents in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

Approach: Specific opinion

Intro:

It is often thought that children should get formal training at schools on how to be good parents in the future. In my opinion, it would be problematic for majority of the students to understand parenting skills, therefore, whether to provide formal training to become good parents or not - should depend upon children' age group.

Teaching in schools about parenting to all children will create unnecessary burden on them; along with other important subjects such as Science, Mathematics, Social studies, English, and Physical education. Majority of school time is already allocated towards these important subjects, therefore, it will be difficult not only for children but also for school management to introduce extra subject in their already crowded curriculum.

Another point to consider is that when students will get knowledge about parenting they will only get theoretical knowledge, which will be faded away with time. The only reason behind this would be that this parenthood will come in their distant future. For instance, we tend to easily forgot theories if they have not observed or learnt practically. In case of becoming a parent, it is impractical especially for children.

Finally, the best solution for formal training on parenting should only be considered when a child attain certain age group; where he or she can understand the real meaning of becoming a parent. For instance, children above 16 years of age can incorporate parenting skills more effectively than pupils who belongs to a primary school.

In conclusion, introducing parenthood learning for all school goers will be problematic. Hence, formal education to become a good parent must be provided to high school going children in order to convey the actual meaning accordingly.

BP1: The para has some issues in sentence structure but the idea is good. I like the reasoning and it sounds convincing.
BP2: Good argument again. Can be presented better
BP3: Again idea makes sense the sentences can be written better.

Conclusion is badly written.

Overall this is better than previous one and hits on task response. I wish the conclusion was better. If conclusion was on point this would be 7+ essay. In current shape and form this would end up at 6.5.

On a scale of 1-10 this is 7

 

[cansha]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th

Planing to write again please help with the evaluation.

It is often seen in Britain that old people tend to move in retirement homes to live among the people of their age, supported by caretakers. The expenses are mostly taken care by the government bodies. In my opinion, the government should take care of their expenses as various taxes are paid by people during their service tenure and family may not be in a stable financial state to pay for all the expenses.

The reason for moving to a oldage home for an old person could be various including the unstable financial condition of family to borne the expenses or conflict of thoughts among the family members. In the above listed circumstances it is easy to figure out that the family would not be willing to pay for all the expenses mainly the costly affairs like, medicine, health checkup and hiring of a nurse. Although family may occasionally take care of small expenses expecting much is not wise.

At the same time, government bodies collect various taxes from people during their service period in form of retiring funds. These funds are used for maintaining and running the facilities for retired people of old age. So, when people pay their hard end money in various forms, it is governments's responsibility to offer a smooth life to these people who are unable to support themselves anymore at this period of their age. Government can easily fund the cost of living for these people as they have all the resources available to name a few, state run hospitals, state run schemes for subsidized food and clothing.

To conclude, the expenses of the people living in oldage homes can be best taken care by the government as they collect funds from people and have all the required resources to provide for the daily needs of these peoples. It is also predicted that government will soon establish a separate body who will be responsible for ensuring that every one who is 60 year elder will get access to all the basic facilities for their daily routine.

what is the essay topic?

 

[velocityblood]

what is the essay topic?

Added the topic in original post.

 

[Hassan386]

@cansha. Please review my essay, your valuable feedback will be highly appreciated.

Some people think that some types of criminals should not go to prison. Instead they should do unpaid work in the community. To what extent do you agree?


In many countries, law & order breakers are punishable by prison, some people argue that not all type of offenders are the same and it is appropriate that they should do volunteer community works instead. I agree with this narrative, as prison may not be the best solution and community service would be better instead.

To begin with, it is often perceived that if somebody breaks the law, it is a danger for society, so it is safe to keep them away from the outside world. In the case of violent crime, it is better to put the criminal behind the bars. However, if someone commits crime related to burglary or drugs trafficking, which do not have the direct danger to society. Keeping these types of criminals in jails is expensive for taxpayers and does not appear to be effective, as they may commit the crime when they come out. For instance, the study conducted by the Law Enforcement Agency of Pakistan, showed that 50 percent of the criminals commit the same crime again when they get out of prison.

Moreover, if society imprisoned such type of criminals behind the bars, there is a chance that they may mix with other dangerous criminals and may commit a worse crime when they come out. Thus, it should be better to make them a part of society, so that they can learn good skills and can develop more empathy and care towards the other members of the community.

In conclusion, putting criminals who are not dangerous to the community in prison is expensive and, in my opinion, ineffective. However, making them a part of society can be beneficial for both the offender and society.

 

[yoloraw]

BP1: The para has some issues in sentence structure but the idea is good. I like the reasoning and it sounds convincing.
BP2: Good argument again. Can be presented better
BP3: Again idea makes sense the sentences can be written better.

Conclusion is badly written.

Overall this is better than previous one and hits on task response. I wish the conclusion was better. If conclusion was on point this would be 7+ essay. In current shape and form this would end up at 6.5.

On a scale of 1-10 this is 7

Thank you big brother.

Now the main problem which I can clearly see in my writing is lack of reasoning, presentation of paragraphs, and dead ends(where I generally left sentences half completed). After reading my own attempt, I know sentences are badly linked too. I need to decide which information need to put first in order to achieve coherence.

I appreciate the efforts you are devoting in this forum for the betterment of others. Once achieving my score, I will also do the same.

Thanks again. <3

 

[velocityblood]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th

Planing to write again please help with the evaluation.

Topic: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?

It is often seen in Britain that old people tend to move in retirement homes to live among the people of their age, supported by caretakers. The expenses are mostly taken care by the government bodies. In my opinion, the government should take care of their expenses as various taxes are paid by people during their service tenure and family may not be in a stable financial state to pay for all the expenses.

The reason for moving to a oldage home for an old person could be various including the unstable financial condition of family to borne the expenses or conflict of thoughts among the family members. In the above listed circumstances it is easy to figure out that the family would not be willing to pay for all the expenses mainly the costly affairs like, medicine, health checkup and hiring of a nurse. Although family may occasionally take care of small expenses expecting much is not wise.

At the same time, government bodies collect various taxes from people during their service period in form of retiring funds. These funds are used for maintaining and running the facilities for retired people of old age. So, when people pay their hard earned money in various forms, it is governments's responsibility to offer a smooth life to these people who are unable to support themselves anymore at this period of their age. Government can easily fund the cost of living for these people as they have all the resources available to name a few, state run hospitals, state run schemes for subsidized food and clothing.

To conclude, the expenses of the people living in oldage homes can be best taken care by the government as they collect funds from people and have all the required resources to provide for their daily needs. It is also predicted that government will soon establish a separate body who will be responsible for ensuring that every one who is 60 year or elder will get access to all the basic facilities for their daily routine.

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th please evaluate

 

[cansha]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th

Planing to write again please help with the evaluation.

Topic: In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?

It is often seen in Britain that old people tend to move in retirement homes to live among the people of their age, supported by caretakers. The expenses are mostly taken care by the government bodies. In my opinion, the government should take care of their expenses as various taxes are paid by people during their service tenure and family may not be in a stable financial state to pay for all the expenses. So should the family pay in case they were financially stable? Sentences like these lead to poor task response and C&C. Make your argument clear and with no ambiguity.

The reason for moving to a oldage home for an old person could be various including the unstable financial condition of family to borne the expenses or conflict of thoughts among the family members. Irrelevant to topic
In the above listed circumstances it is easy to figure out that the family would not be willing to pay for all the expenses mainly the costly affairs like, medicine, health checkup and hiring of a nurse. Although family may occasionally take care of small expenses expecting much is not wise.Again why should government pay?Because family didn't pay or because Government ought to pay?

At the same time, government bodies collect various taxes from people during their service period in form of retiring funds. These funds are used for maintaining and running the facilities for retired people of old age. So, when people pay their hard earned money in various forms, it is governments's responsibility to offer a smooth life to these people who are unable to support themselves anymore at this period of their age. Government can easily fund the cost of living for these people as they have all the resources available to name a few, state run hospitals, state run schemes for subsidized food and clothing. Okay

To conclude, the expenses of the people living in oldage homes can be best taken care by the government as they collect funds from people and have all the required resources to provide for their daily needs. It is also predicted that government will soon establish a separate body who will be responsible for ensuring that every one who is 60 year or elder will get access to all the basic facilities for their daily routine. Point 3.2 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Bad conclusion

This essay would get stuck at 6.5

 

[cansha]

@cansha. Please review my essay, your valuable feedback will be highly appreciated.

Some people think that some types of criminals should not go to prison. Instead they should do unpaid work in the community. To what extent do you agree?

In many countries, law & order breakers are punishable by prison, some people argue that not all type of offenders are the same and it is appropriate that they should do volunteer community works instead. I agree with this narrative, as prison may not be the best solution and community service would be better instead.

To begin with, it is often perceived that if somebody breaks the law, it is a danger for society, so it is safe to keep them away from the outside world. In the case of violent crime, it is better to put the criminal behind the bars. However, if someone commits crime related to burglary or drugs trafficking, which do not have the direct danger to society.Are you kidding? Burglary and drug trafficking does not have impact on society?
Keeping these types of criminals in jails is expensive for taxpayers and does not appear to be effective, as they may commit the crime when they come out. For instance, the study conducted by the Law Enforcement Agency of Pakistan, showed that 50 percent of the criminals commit the same crime again when they get out of prison.

Moreover, if society imprisoned such type of criminals behind the bars, there is a chance that they may mix with other dangerous criminals and may commit a worse crime when they come out. Thus, it should be better to make them a part of society, so that they can learn good skills and can develop more empathy and care towards the other members of the community.

In conclusion, putting criminals who are not dangerous to the community in prison is expensive and, in my opinion, ineffective. However, making them a part of society can be beneficial for both the offender and society.

I don't need to read rest of the essay. there is no way this will get a 7+ score.