you have several mistakes that i am highlighting. although i am not an expert but still i can highlight those which are identified by me. please note that i am only going to highlight few ones as i know you didnt ask me to check your written essay
IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.
- Thread starter H0peAndFa1th
- Start date
you have several mistakes that i am highlighting. although i am not an expert but still i can highlight those which are identified by me. please note that i am only going to highlight few ones as i know you didnt ask me to check your written essay
Hi bro,
Whenever you write 'i' always write in capital. For example: "I am just giving you suggestion, because many people I know do such kind of mistake""
I hope you don't mind
haha. its because whenever i am writing in MS word, it automatically converts small i to I. anyways, thanks for pointing out though.Hi bro,
Whenever you write 'i' always write in capital. For example: "I am just giving you suggestion, because many people I know do such kind of mistake""
I hope you don't mind
Some believe that modern technology is increasing the gap between rich and poor people, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
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Although it is often believed that contemporary technology is widening the gap between rich and poor people, others oppose this claim. In my opinion, I think modern technological advancements are decreasing this gap by providing better job opportunities and motivation to poor people.
On the one hand, some people consider that technology widens the difference between rich and poor people because rich people have better access to premium mobile apps which can be used to increase their profits. For instance, using a paid mutual fund app, anyone can invest better because they are more likely to invest according to the reliable advice from those experts who have done thorough research of the market. A poor person cannot invest better without any knowledge, therefore, their income remains unchanged and ultimately leads to more financial gap from rich individual. Another evident reason of this bigger gap is the access to world class amenities such as smart watches to monitor their health, gym with dedicated trainer, and expensive treatment abroad. Due to these facilities rich people always stay healthier than poor people and they tend to perform efficiently at their work place.
On the other hand, it is often thought that technology reduces the gap between rich and poor, and I agree. Nowadays, government is immensely funding for the betterment of the society. There are many policies where people have access to open gym, free interactive seminars for healthy lifestyle using projectors. Therefore, they tend to stay fit without going to an expensive gym and spa center. Furthermore, people have access to diverse range of databases online. Where they can learn about global languages, business and financial management. This knowledge they can incorporate into their own lives to excel well towards financial growth as well as to self motivate. Because of cheap data rates, this positive motivation they can easily gather at their homes just by watching YouTube videos, or by following tutorials by industrialists, politicians, and teachers. After getting self-enlightenment they can achieve any goal, for instance, now people have knowledge of easy EMI's and loans so they can purchase machinery, vehicles, and mobile phones without hesitation. All these things they can use to increase their income and lifestyle; therefore, the gap which has been constructed long time ago, now got vanished only via technology.
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that technology can reduce the gap among rich and poor, by immensely benefiting poor regarding new ways of learning and self-motivation.
==================================================
Although it is often believed that contemporary technology is widening the gap between rich and poor people, others oppose this claim. In my opinion, I think modern technological advancements are decreasing this gap by providing better job opportunities and motivation to poor people.
On the one hand, some people consider that technology widens the difference between rich and poor people because rich people have better access to premium mobile apps which can be used to increase their profits. For instance, using a paid mutual fund app, anyone can invest better because they are more likely to invest according to the reliable advice from those experts who have done thorough research of the market. A poor person cannot invest better without any knowledge, therefore, their income remains unchanged and ultimately leads to more financial gap from rich individual. Another evident reason of this bigger gap is the access to world class amenities such as smart watches to monitor their health, gym with dedicated trainer, and expensive treatment abroad. Due to these facilities rich people always stay healthier than poor people and they tend to perform efficiently at their work place.
On the other hand, it is often thought that technology reduces the gap between rich and poor, and I agree. Nowadays, government is immensely funding for the betterment of the society. There are many policies where people have access to open gym, free interactive seminars for healthy lifestyle using projectors. Therefore, they tend to stay fit without going to an expensive gym and spa center. Furthermore, people have access to diverse range of databases online. Where they can learn about global languages, business and financial management. This knowledge they can incorporate into their own lives to excel well towards financial growth as well as to self motivate. Because of cheap data rates, this positive motivation they can easily gather at their homes just by watching YouTube videos, or by following tutorials by industrialists, politicians, and teachers. After getting self-enlightenment they can achieve any goal, for instance, now people have knowledge of easy EMI's and loans so they can purchase machinery, vehicles, and mobile phones without hesitation. All these things they can use to increase their income and lifestyle; therefore, the gap which has been constructed long time ago, now got vanished only via technology.
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that technology can reduce the gap among rich and poor, by immensely benefiting poor regarding new ways of learning and self-motivation.
Bro, I am wondering how you are using MS word for browsing this website?
May be you have installed some plugin, or using phone to auto-correct everything.
just sayingyou missed the point bro. I meant in MS word, the i auto converts to I and in this website it dosent. so I wasnt even noticing the "i" remaining in small letter.Bro, I am wondering how you are using MS word for browsing this website?
May be you have installed some plugin, or using phone to auto-correct everything.
cheers
Are these actual topics on IELTS or something you are picking form practice books. This topics look really badly worded. Anyhow let's look at it.
Although it is often believed that contemporary technology is widening the gap between rich and poor people, while others oppose this claim. In my opinion, I think Lost the count of how many times I have mentioned these two phrases are redundant but ...
modern technological advancements are decreasing this gap by providing better job opportunities and motivation to poor people.I like that you are giving some reason behind your opinion but the reason "motivation" sounds so fluffy that I already fear about the Task response of essay.
On the one hand, some people consider that technology widens the difference between rich and poor people because rich people have better access to premium mobile apps which can be used to increase their profits. For instance, using a paid mutual fund app, anyone can invest better because they are more likely to invest according to the reliable advice from those experts who have done thorough research of the market. A poor person cannot invest better without any knowledge, therefore, their income remains unchanged and ultimately leads to more financial gap from rich individual. Seriously? You think poor people don't invest because they don't have premium mobile apps on investing? Or because they don't have capital to invest in the first place. May be others can comment but I really don't like this example at all.
Another evident reason of this bigger gap is the access to world class amenities such as smart watches to monitor their health, gym with dedicated trainer, and expensive treatment abroad. Due to these facilities rich people always stay healthier than poor people and they tend to perform efficiently at their work place.In the whole para I only liked that argument of medical facilities but unfortunately that was not explored more. Think about it can a poor person get an expensive transplant for example. I think if you explored that angle that would show a clear rich vs poor divide. The gym and watch not so much. I mean if a person is serious about gym there are enough free resources and one doesn't need fancy gym equipment and there are plenty of really cheap fitness trackers out there. BUT medical facilities .. that was a gold mine of argument there but sadly you didn't use it much.
On the other hand, it is often thought that technology reduces the gap between rich and poor, and I agree. Bad start to the para. point 2.1 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485 Old mistakes.
Nowadays, government is immensely funding for the betterment of the society. There are many policies where people have access to open gym, free interactive seminars for healthy lifestyle using projectors. Therefore, they tend to stay fit without going to an expensive gym and spa center.
What is the topic and what are you writing about? Seriously?
Furthermore, people have access to diverse range of databases online. Where they can learn about global languages, business and financial management. This knowledge they can incorporate into their own lives to excel well towards financial growth as well as to self motivate. Because of cheap data rates, this positive motivation they can easily gather at their homes just by watching YouTube videos, or by following tutorials by industrialists, politicians, and teachers. After getting self-enlightenment they can achieve any goal, for instance, now people have knowledge of easy EMI's and loans so they can purchase machinery, vehicles, and mobile phones without hesitation. Seriously?? Like seriously?
All these things they can use to increase their income and lifestyle; therefore, the gap which has been constructed long time ago, now got vanished only via technology.
You are writing an IELTS essay and not a motivation speech. You seriously need to start thinking a little simpler and pragmatic. This essay is all over the place.
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that technology can reduce the gap among rich and poor, by immensely benefiting poor regarding new ways of learning and self-motivation.
I don't want to sound harsh but at the same time I can't lie. This is probably your worst attempt by far. The task response simply doesn't exist.
I think the issue is you are trying really hard to "impress" the examiner rather than addressing the question. The essays in IELTS are on everyday topics. Seriously they don't expect you to be an intellectual, philosophical, professor type person. These are topics which you could probably discuss with a friend or colleague. Keep your arguments real and pragmatic. And please do read more.
I have finally made it after three trials.
BC 23 November
L 8.5
R 8.5
W 7.0
S 7.0
My advice is that you make sure you go through this thread from the first page and read carefully all the reviews given here, taking note of the mistakes of others, which will give you the opportunity to see areas in your essays you can improve. Thanks to Cansha and Hope and Faith for their efforts to see that people succeed.
BC 23 November
L 8.5
R 8.5
W 7.0
S 7.0
My advice is that you make sure you go through this thread from the first page and read carefully all the reviews given here, taking note of the mistakes of others, which will give you the opportunity to see areas in your essays you can improve. Thanks to Cansha and Hope and Faith for their efforts to see that people succeed.
Congrats buddy! It is so heartening to see people succeed and even more to know that the contents on this thread helped them. Wish you the best for rest of the process.
Dear all, please evaluate my writing.
Thanks in advance.
Question: some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor and rich people. Others think it is having the opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
It is commonly believed that modern technological advancements are widening the gap between the upper class and the lower class. Others, however, believe the opposite. In my opinion, certain technological innovations are available to all people in the society and make contributions to bridging the wealth gap while certain innovations are inaccessible to poor because of their high cost.
On the one hand, some people think that certain innovation and discoveries play an integral role in filling the gap between different income levels. This is because they are accessible to all people among different social class due to their easy availability at cheaper rates. For instance, the internet technology is available to almost all sections of the society. It is affordable to all the people and certain places such as railway station, bus station and airport are wifi hotspots where the internet is freely available. Besides this, modern technologies have provided great opportunities for the poor to get rich. For example, the internet has already made many people become billionaire by setting their own commercial website. Compared to traditional industries, which require large initial investment and higher operational costs. Hence, the internet is much better and cheaper platform to make fortune for people from all social backgrounds.
On the other hand, many people argued that certain advancements in technology is not affordable for the poorer sections of the society. Modern medicines, for example, is expensive. Certain new drugs and diagnostic procedures are very costly. Certain affluent people who developed cancer took treatment with special kind of protein which was very expensive but had fewer side effects compared to conventional chemotherapy. Rich people can access these treatments by spending only a small amount of their income and improve their health. Poor people, on the other side, have to spend all of their money for conventional treatment and yet there is no guarantee of returning to a state of good health.
To conclude, although some claim that modern technology magnifies the gap between the rich and the poor, I strongly believe that it could narrow the difference between social classes.
Thanks in advance.
Question: some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor and rich people. Others think it is having the opposite effect. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
It is commonly believed that modern technological advancements are widening the gap between the upper class and the lower class. Others, however, believe the opposite. In my opinion, certain technological innovations are available to all people in the society and make contributions to bridging the wealth gap while certain innovations are inaccessible to poor because of their high cost.
On the one hand, some people think that certain innovation and discoveries play an integral role in filling the gap between different income levels. This is because they are accessible to all people among different social class due to their easy availability at cheaper rates. For instance, the internet technology is available to almost all sections of the society. It is affordable to all the people and certain places such as railway station, bus station and airport are wifi hotspots where the internet is freely available. Besides this, modern technologies have provided great opportunities for the poor to get rich. For example, the internet has already made many people become billionaire by setting their own commercial website. Compared to traditional industries, which require large initial investment and higher operational costs. Hence, the internet is much better and cheaper platform to make fortune for people from all social backgrounds.
On the other hand, many people argued that certain advancements in technology is not affordable for the poorer sections of the society. Modern medicines, for example, is expensive. Certain new drugs and diagnostic procedures are very costly. Certain affluent people who developed cancer took treatment with special kind of protein which was very expensive but had fewer side effects compared to conventional chemotherapy. Rich people can access these treatments by spending only a small amount of their income and improve their health. Poor people, on the other side, have to spend all of their money for conventional treatment and yet there is no guarantee of returning to a state of good health.
To conclude, although some claim that modern technology magnifies the gap between the rich and the poor, I strongly believe that it could narrow the difference between social classes.
Dear @cansha please look at this writing and give your valuable inputs.
Question: some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses at school. Do you agree or disagree?
It is true that an increasing number of people think that children usually learn academic subjects at school but not many practical skills. However, I strongly disagree with the notion that teaching institution should teach children with only theoretical knowledge as studying practical subjects such as fixing cars and bank account maintenance are substantial for their survival and job prospects.
To begin, having knowledge about some hand-on practical skills can open doors for the part-time employment. Apparently, they can work simultaneously, to ease off the financial stress of their parents, and gain a tertiary education. For instance, the majority of students in India prefer to work part-time in their leisure time to fund their own graduation. Additionally, studying such subjects is advantageous for children who study only until secondary institutions. Even if they are unable to study afterwards, they can still get a job and survive comfortably.
In addition to this, some learner finds it difficult to concentrate on studies and hence, fail to acquire degree required for getting employed for company. For such students, these skills can act as a survivor and they can earn their own livelihood. To illustrate, one of my cousins was not able to complete his graduation even after several attempts yet he managed to establish his own own shop for the house maintenance since he was having knowledge about the same. Thus, the benefits of garnering such skills are difficult to debunk.
To conclude, both academic and practical subject have their benefits for the children, but I believe that more emphasis should be given to topics which will be truly worthwhile in life. Schools should not stuff children with only academic knowledge, but more importance should be given to everyday assistance.
Question: some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses at school. Do you agree or disagree?
It is true that an increasing number of people think that children usually learn academic subjects at school but not many practical skills. However, I strongly disagree with the notion that teaching institution should teach children with only theoretical knowledge as studying practical subjects such as fixing cars and bank account maintenance are substantial for their survival and job prospects.
To begin, having knowledge about some hand-on practical skills can open doors for the part-time employment. Apparently, they can work simultaneously, to ease off the financial stress of their parents, and gain a tertiary education. For instance, the majority of students in India prefer to work part-time in their leisure time to fund their own graduation. Additionally, studying such subjects is advantageous for children who study only until secondary institutions. Even if they are unable to study afterwards, they can still get a job and survive comfortably.
In addition to this, some learner finds it difficult to concentrate on studies and hence, fail to acquire degree required for getting employed for company. For such students, these skills can act as a survivor and they can earn their own livelihood. To illustrate, one of my cousins was not able to complete his graduation even after several attempts yet he managed to establish his own own shop for the house maintenance since he was having knowledge about the same. Thus, the benefits of garnering such skills are difficult to debunk.
To conclude, both academic and practical subject have their benefits for the children, but I believe that more emphasis should be given to topics which will be truly worthwhile in life. Schools should not stuff children with only academic knowledge, but more importance should be given to everyday assistance.
Thank you brother. Your review puts me into a situation, where I can't decide why I have dragged myself into this confusing state. My fall from 7.5 to 7 and 6.5; obviously "Task achievement" (as you observed while reviewing above essay). Need to relax my senses first, after that require to start again. (Just like rebooting computer).
Anyway, I appreciate your honest review and comments. Now it's my sole duty to find and overcome these issues.
Best wishes..!!
@cansha ; No need to give thorough review, just read and add comment in the end. Just your comments with rating as per your opinion from 1-10.
Some people think that children should receive formal training at school on how to be good parents in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?
#one sided approach:
It is commonly believed that children should get formal training at school on how to be good parents in their future. In my opinion, I completely agree that children should get formal training to become good parents to incorporate parenting skills, and to make stronger bonds with their own parents.
One good reason to made parenting subject mandatory is to educate children about parenting skills. When they are taught about the amount of patience and care involved while raising a child, they naturally use these indispensable skills in their studies. For instance, with patience, they can understand diverse range of subjects more deeply without getting bored.
Another point to consider is that with training about the efforts involved in parenting they can understand their own parents better. Therefore, the bond between children and their own parents will definitely going to improve. This bonding will construct a more positive environment among families, where children will help their parents in their household stuff to reduce their parents burden.
Finally, with the formal subject in schools children not only get ready for their own future as a parent but also they will start caring of those children who are currently in their family. For example, many children have their niece and nephews, and young cousins in their own family. When they have knowledge about how to handle their odd behavior, they will more likely to properly take care of them.
In conclusion, children should learn all necessary aspects of parenting skills from mandatory formal subject in their curriculum at schools. This will help them to maintain happiness within their own families, and to construct bright future for themselves.
Some people think that children should receive formal training at school on how to be good parents in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?
#one sided approach:
It is commonly believed that children should get formal training at school on how to be good parents in their future. In my opinion, I completely agree that children should get formal training to become good parents to incorporate parenting skills, and to make stronger bonds with their own parents.
One good reason to made parenting subject mandatory is to educate children about parenting skills. When they are taught about the amount of patience and care involved while raising a child, they naturally use these indispensable skills in their studies. For instance, with patience, they can understand diverse range of subjects more deeply without getting bored.
Another point to consider is that with training about the efforts involved in parenting they can understand their own parents better. Therefore, the bond between children and their own parents will definitely going to improve. This bonding will construct a more positive environment among families, where children will help their parents in their household stuff to reduce their parents burden.
Finally, with the formal subject in schools children not only get ready for their own future as a parent but also they will start caring of those children who are currently in their family. For example, many children have their niece and nephews, and young cousins in their own family. When they have knowledge about how to handle their odd behavior, they will more likely to properly take care of them.
In conclusion, children should learn all necessary aspects of parenting skills from mandatory formal subject in their curriculum at schools. This will help them to maintain happiness within their own families, and to construct bright future for themselves.
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