How to cope with a spouse who has recently landed?

[micmac101]

This morning I would like to thank everyone who left a reply on my post. Your feedback is amazing and so much valued!

Finally, my husband came back with the last bus, the midnight one. I don't know if my reaction was normal when he was gone. All the emotions I went through during the application of the visa, the denied visa, the full hearing, the refusal after the full hearing, the wait for the visa, the long periods of separation from my husband for more than 4 years, my life put on hold, the heavy load of work (working 3 jobs 7 days a week) in order to earn enough money to visit him and pay for the appeal, all these emotions came back full force last night. Believe me... I endured so much and I had to put up with so many things for almost 5 years. The anxiety was so intense I had to lie down on my bed. When I got up around 10:30 pm to walk my dog, I felt my heart squeezing and bleeding and my legs shaky as if they were made of cotton candy.

My husband said he would be back with the 10:00 pm or 11:00 pm bus. He came back with the last one at midnight as he took the wrong bus from the mosque (it takes 3 bus from the mosque to home). During that time, he did not bother to call me to say he would be late as he took the wrong bus or to ask me to pick him up. Later he told me he did not want to disturb me. On top of my anxiety, I had to deal with worry.

He came to bed and he just wanted me to hug me tight. I could not bear his touching me. I tried to push him away as I was having a strong attack of anxiety. He kept taking me back in his arms, holding me with so much strength that I stopped fighting. We fell asleep that way.

He told me that even though he spent the afternoon in a mosque (a different one close to my work where the Muslims are not Moroccan and Arabic), he needed to go to the other mosque where there are Moroccans and Arabic men. He badly needed to speak Arabic and be among men with the same culture as him. He told me he still feels like a stranger in my country and to leave him some time. He said that he felt so low that he decided that from now on he will spend his Friday nights at that mosque. I guess his request is reasonable.

Each time I write a post, I have the hope to help someone in the future who will go through the same things as me so that person will have a better understanding and tolerance of all the adjustments.

Oh my goodness may Allah GOD bless yous both In Sha Allah.

I`m going through the same thing but its me who is away from my home in Canada. I have been here a year this month in Peshawar Pakistan and its so hard for me. Especially since I`m female and I can relate to all of this what you have said here. I cannot go out as its a volatile area and I would put my safety at risk.

We are in the final stages of sponsorship I hope in the next few months and I pray when we return to Canada that life will be easy for my husband. He has been so patient with me and I pray that Allah blesses me with patience as he had here with me. I must remember that he too will be experiencing all that I have been going through here each day here. So I must be patient as well. I sure do hope and pray your life will get easier God Willing

 

[Wilderness]

I agree with the people who responded. It sounds like your husband is very homesick. It takes a while to adjust to a new country. You could help him out by locating the Moroccan community in your city, finding some Moroccan stores (especially ones that sell Moroccan food ingredients) or restaurants, maybe asking him to redecorate the house/apartment, or at least part of it, in a Moroccan style. If he doesn't cook, it will make him feel better if you learned a Moroccan recipe or two, especially if you can cook his favorite. I know you're very busy, so maybe you could ask him to cook Moroccan for you, especially if he's not currently working.

I don't think it's so much personal space that he craves, coming from an Arab country, but the lack of it. In Arab countries you are always surrounded by people, family, friends... - there is no personal space. Not so in Canada. He will crave the hustle and bustle. Maybe if he got to know the Moroccan or Arab hangouts in town, he will be able to experience that again.

I hope this helped.

Wilderness

 

[messenger]

I come from a western culture type country. I immigrated to Canada and for a year or so was as happy as one can be
After this first year was gone I started having this great nostalgia about my old country, my friends, and the freedom it offered me.
It got so bad that at nights almost every night I was having these dreams about home, I was waking up from sleep finding my pillows wet from tears.
Eventually with the help of my friends in Canada and mostly from my colleagues at work I found things that I liked and took part in the Canadian way of living. The homesickness disappeared and I became a very happy and transformed man.

I can only imagine what the OP's husband is going through. The man comes from a country that traditional living is the way of life!
I have never been to Morocco but I am sure that life there is simple and people do not rush their days to the extend that we in the western world are doing.

Just try to support him show understanding and give him the reason to know that there is always room for him in your heart and in the society in this new place he has to call home!

messenger

 

[dair2dv8103100]

Hi Habibti

Been a while since I have been out here, came today to see how things were progressing and saw this. Very sorry to hear about your husbands loss. Please pass along our condolances to him.

You know... everyone has their own way of dealing with things. My husband has been here 8 months and I did not find these issues, but everyone is different. One thing I can suggest is that my husband got involved in ESL classes immediately after arriving. He met people from all over including a couple Moroccans! He is now starting his first job. So he has been very busy which has kept his mind from longing too much for Morocco. He also prepared alot before he came and he viewed it as coming TO his family not leaving it. So I believe keeping busy is one of the best ways to deal with the missing aspect. I mean, lets be real, they are the ones that chose to marry a Canadian and they knew they were going to live in another country once the visa was approved so he also has to put some effort into getting accustomed to things as well. It is not all on you! I do understand his longing for familiar things, I mean I longed for Canada with just a 3week visit over there, but he must, for the sake of your marriage and family put effort into the change.

These are just things I can suggest...get him busy and involved in things that are going to help him incorporate himself here. messenger and Anamaria mentioned this as well. They got busy and got involved with Canadians who were supportive and able to help them...this is very important! I am glad you have had the opportunity to talk with him and I do hope you have been able to express yourself as well as he has. Take good care...it is a big adjustment but that is what he signed up for when marrying someone from another country! Give him support but also challenge him to get involved in things here that will help him to keep his mind busy and not always longing for things of Morocco He is a big boy...he can handle it lol

Peace and blessings for your day and to all

 

[scylla]

One thing I can suggest is that my husband got involved in ESL classes immediately after arriving. He met people from all over including a couple Moroccans! He is now starting his first job. So he has been very busy which has kept his mind from longing too much for Morocco. He also prepared alot before he came and he viewed it as coming TO his family not leaving it. So I believe keeping busy is one of the best ways to deal with the missing aspect. I mean, lets be real, they are the ones that chose to marry a Canadian and they knew they were going to live in another country once the visa was approved so he also has to put some effort into getting accustomed to things as well. It is not all on you! I do understand his longing for familiar things, I mean I longed for Canada with just a 3week visit over there, but he must, for the sake of your marriage and family put effort into the change.

These are just things I can suggest...get him busy and involved in things that are going to help him incorporate himself here.

I think this is fantastic advice.

Many people have mentioned that your husband should do things that connect him with Morocco. Howeve I think it's equally important (if not more important) that he start integrating himself into the life and culture here. ESL classes are a great start. Some cities also have programs where new immigrants meet just to practice speaking English with each other. He can make new friends by doing these sorts of things while improving his English at the same time.

Good luck.

 

[dair2dv8103100]

I think this is fantastic advice.

Many people have mentioned that your husband should do things that connect him with Morocco. Howeve I think it's equally important (if not more important) that he start integrating himself into the life and culture here. ESL classes are a great start. Some cities also have programs where new immigrants meet just to practice speaking English with each other. He can make new friends by doing these sorts of things while improving his English at the same time.

Good luck.

Hi scylla

Habibti ..... This is so true! This not only applies to learning English but this is also a great way to network for jobs!! To let people know his interests and skills so that they can possibly help find work! Networking is EVERYTHING in job searching and the only way to do that is to get connected with people who are employed here already or know someone who is looking for employees.

Since I am involved with my church I put out the word in our prayer chain and was able to find little jobs here and there for my husband and now we have an excellent opportunity for him in construction (he wants to be a carpenter) through someone at church simply because they know someone, who told someone, who knows someone, who mentioned...well you get the idea
My husband has started a job with a local grocery store that is opening very close to our home in the meantime. So while I appreciate the longing for the familiar... I believe getting into the circuit of classes and Canadian activities is going to be a bigger help.

I also think it is very important for him to be involved with family activities. My daughter is struggling but doing SOOO well with all the changes (I am very proud of her!). And my husband has thrown himself into things she is interested in as well (even if she resists him all the way to the moon and back hahaha) He knows when to step back but he also does not just cave in. He makes suggestions to help with her homework, when she wanted to plant flowers in the yard he helped her dig holes. He finished off her play room in the basement and even found carpet for it he also helped her to buy and hide Easter eggs while my mother and I were out shopping. All these things are super important to incorperate him into our culture and more importantly our family. The more he interacts with your family and Canadians the less he will feel like an outsider. Once in a while we visit/have dinner with friends who are Canadian/Moroccan mix and he enjoys that time but he loves to be with his family and work on the adventure of this new life.

As I said everyone is different but no one ever moved forward by looking back over their shoulder all the time...

 

[Habibti]

Thank you for all the wonderful advices! And Dair... so happy to read your posts again! I don't write much on Facebook as my husband would not like me to write things about our private life or his adjustments in Canada or the work he is doing.

My husband does not need to attend ESL classes as he knows French and English quite well. These days, he is preparing himself for his written test to get his driver's licence as employers ask for it. He spends long hours to study the booklet.

One week after he landed, he worked a couple of days and has never been paid for the job. The company closed down. Then, he worked more than 12 hours for a company that was a scam (they exploit students and immigrants) and his earnings for that day were only $48!!! It was a very tiring job for so little money.

He goes to the mosque every Friday as his spiritual life is very important to him. At the same time, he gets to know people and make connections. There, he met a Muslim who offered him temporary work (flooring). He worked for this man on 4 different occasions. He also worked 5 days for a neighbor for a demolition job downtown Vancouver. It was hard work and long hours (14 hours a day). From time to time, he goes to Labour Unlimited and they mostly send him on constructions sites to do odd jobs. So far, he has worked 11 days for this agency. In total, he worked 23 days since his arrival in Canada (January 19).

Last night, he told me he has enough to work difficult jobs for little money (minimum wage is $10.25 in Vancouver). He wished he could take his time to find the right job (a permanent one), a job he will enjoy with a decent salary. He does not understand the urgency of our situation. Right now, my bank account is overdraft and there are payments to do and food and gas to buy! I work 37 hours a week 9 months a year and I have a teenager son who eats a lot lol

I guess it is the case for most immigrants. They think they can have easy life in Canada and think Canadians all make good money easily. I see my husband struggling with the reality. I think he has "dreamed" our life for too long in the virtual world. Now, the fascination, the magic are gone. He realizes that it is more difficult than he thought. For example, he wanted to save money to buy himself a used car. Next Fall, we have to replace the furnace. With installation it will cost $6000. I told him the purchase of a second car was a luxury and he had to help me with the monthly expenses and the replacement of the furnace. The news disanchanted him.

So... this is where we are now since we have been reunited 10 weeks ago!

 

[ITsoftware]

i know how you feel... it takes time...

I have difficulty to find information about the post-landing period and I don't know how to cope with my husband from Morocco. He landed on January 19 and there have been ups and downs since then. There are times he takes his distance from me. He is usually very warm, loving, caring and affectionate with me. But when he withdraws from the marriage, it hits me hard. For example, I worked hard all week and after work today, he told me he would take the bus at 6:20 pm to spend the evening at the mosque and won't be home before 10:30 pm. I was not expecting that. My son is not home tonight and I thought we would take this opportunity to have a romantic evening.

It took 5 years to live together in Canada, after many sacrifices (especially on my part) and lots of suffering. Before he left tonight, I could see and feel there was something wrong with him. I asked him to tell me. He said he misses his country, his family and his friends and he needed time by himself. He also told me he loves me and he wants me to leave him alone for some time.

Are there any couples who went through this situation or are still going through? I feel let down and I don't know how to cope in order not to aggravate the situation. Also are there any books or articles on Internet about this topic? How much time an immigrant needs to "feel at home" in his new country? what are the emotional cycles? what to do to help him? For five years, my life (his too) has been put on hold and now that we can start a life together, I feel sad that it is not fully happening.

 

[dair2dv8103100]

Hi habibti That's fine...I know some Moroccan men are very private...mine too...but I post stuff anyway cuz I just love him to bits...hahaha He has learned to live with it

Good to hear he is getting work! My husband is working for minimum wage too (same wage as BC) and it is hard work. But that's how it is...everyone has to start somewhere. My Ex had to do the crappiest job in Ford in 140 degrees when he first started there too and he is Canadian. That's the reality of life here. On the other hand his not being paid or very underpaid is illegal and not a very good first experience. But again my Mum went through it too many years ago...she worked 40 hours a week for a couple months only to find out the guy went bankrupt and she never saw a penny of it. So this is not new or even about immigrants...AND IT IS VERY WRONG I might add! Got to suck some things up to be successful... you will find some of the most successful people had some of the crappiest jobs in the beginning...it's not about wages ... it's attitude and the ability to do what needs to get done to get where you want to be.

What is his field of expertice? What does he want to do ultimately? He needs to get involved with people that are in his field or area he wants to specialise in. Any construction or warehouse work is going to be challenging physically so if that is an issue he needs to start looking elsewhere.

I agree that he should have time at the mosque as I also take my spiritual life very seriously but that is something that should be discussed as a couple not demanded. If he wants Fri nights at the mosque then that certainly can be compromised on as a night where you each do something on your own and then another time you schedule together. ;D

Glad to hear he is working towards a drivers license...my hubby is too. But a car is completely unrealistic (IMHO) unless he is working full time (even at minimum wage) possibly part time as long as it is within budget. As well, he has to learn the realities of owning a home here. So you are right...furnace comes before a car...unless of course he prefers to freeze lol... It's not their fault but many of these young men from Morocco have not had experience living on their own and paying their own bills. They live with their families until and often after they are married. They have no concept of the expenses we incur here simply in day to day living. This is something they definitely have to get used to. On the other hand them working 40 hrs a week even at minimum wage would bring in about $1200 a month...I would say that is a huge benefit especially just getting started. It is unrealistic to think you are just going to get off the plane here and walk into a job making huge $$'s (unless of course you are specialised in something and have something lined up before you even arrive) I guess I am fortunate because my husbands brother lived in France for a time and came back to Morocco and told them...it's hard any where you go!! He explained the difference in cost of living and how, sure they make more money, but the expenses are so high that they have to. My husband also had to pay bills and take care of expenses because he was on his own most of the time. So he learned this whereas many do not.

Might be good to sit down with him (if you have not already) and show him exactly the bills you have to pay and what you are bringing in. Hopefully that help sets in some of the reality we face here. Might help to see that even minimum wage or part time can be a huge relief to both of you.

I am not just suggesting this to you habibiti but to everyone who has a spouse from a country where the men tend to live at home till they are married and probably have very little idea of maintaining a home and budget.

Sounds to me (I could be wrong) that your (habibti) biggest issue is that he just tells you things instead of talking with you about it. Then once you do get a chance to talk things get better. So it would be good to mention this to him. Just be honest and say that you prefer that if he wants to make a time at the mosque, with friends etc that you would appreciate if he talked to you instead of just telling you and taking off. You have mentioned several times even before he arrived here of his habit of taking off for hours at a time. This is not something new to you but it obviously bothers you and it should be brought up and discussed. There is nothing wrong with you both deciding to make Fri night "ME" time but tell him you expect to have another time together. You are married afterall and have the right to have time with your husband!

Anyway, I can tell I have not been on here for a long time. I am blabbering on .. it's not easy no matter what. Everyones situations are similar and different all at the same time since we are all different in how we react to our similar situations. I don't think your problems are insurmountable...simply in your face at the moment. It will get better

 

[Habibti]

Thank you so much Dair for your very interesting feedback! I always find that you make sense and reading your words help me to see things clearly. Yes, sometimes my husband has a hard time to sit down with me and be open about his wants. As you said he is young and has to learn how a marriage works. The good thing is that he is full of goodwill and take seriously into account what I have to say. I can see his efforts, but sometimes he forgets he is married

About work... his intention was to go to a technology institute to learn the trade of welding. I told him we cannot afford that. He has to work. I have so many debts due to the Immigration process, the appeal and my trips to Morocco. Also I lost an important job a few weeks ago. It was a sideline and I made more money with this sideline than with my regular permanent job.

His dream work would be to work for himself. He has a hard time to work for someone else and would like to be his own boss. As the time at the mosque is very important to him, he would like to work and go to the mosque anytime he wants. He has a hard time to get crappy jobs with low wages.

 

[AnaMaria]

Sounds like your husband is doing better than I am ! I understand dilemma of whether to get a survival job or not. It takes a lot of time and energy away while working at survival job, and will make us very depressed as well. And I am not even getting a survival job even if I am "willing" . My boyfriend is taking 4 or 5 side jobs, 7 days a week for months, in order to support us and we are in the overdraft, like you. I don't know how to survive to be honest but somehow we've managed. And I know we will.

Have you tried Skills Connect programs? There are similar programs around here in BC (I'm sure other provinces do have similar programs as well). They fund some trainings for new immigrants, partially or fully. These programs will not only help us, as immigrants, fund the trainings, but provides job finding workshops for free. And it is another great opportunity to meet other fellow immigrants, some new, some already established.

I might have something for him. If you are interested, please PM me.

 

[gsize]

Sounds like your husband is doing better than I am ! I understand dilemma of whether to get a survival job or not. It takes a lot of time and energy away while working at survival job, and will make us very depressed as well. And I am not even getting a survival job even if I am "willing" . My boyfriend is taking 4 or 5 side jobs, 7 days a week for months, in order to support us and we are in the overdraft, like you. I don't know how to survive to be honest but somehow we've managed. And I know we will.

Have you tried Skills Connect programs? There are similar programs around here in BC (I'm sure other provinces do have similar programs as well). They fund some trainings for new immigrants, partially or fully. These programs will not only help us, as immigrants, fund the trainings, but provides job finding workshops for free. And it is another great opportunity to meet other fellow immigrants, some new, some already established.

I might have something for him. If you are interested, please PM me.

take one day at a time. Its tough to find a good paying job anwhere in Canada.

 

[Habibti]

Sounds like your husband is doing better than I am ! I understand dilemma of whether to get a survival job or not. It takes a lot of time and energy away while working at survival job, and will make us very depressed as well. And I am not even getting a survival job even if I am "willing" . My boyfriend is taking 4 or 5 side jobs, 7 days a week for months, in order to support us and we are in the overdraft, like you. I don't know how to survive to be honest but somehow we've managed. And I know we will.

Have you tried Skills Connect programs? There are similar programs around here in BC (I'm sure other provinces do have similar programs as well). They fund some trainings for new immigrants, partially or fully. These programs will not only help us, as immigrants, fund the trainings, but provides job finding workshops for free. And it is another great opportunity to meet other fellow immigrants, some new, some already established.

I might have something for him. If you are interested, please PM me.

Yes, he tried Skills Connect (appointment every week for several weeks). It did not lead to anything...

Thanks for sharing your experience!

 

[BCgirl2012]

I don't know where in BC you're based. You might want to try Mosaic.

http://www.mosaicbc.com/home

All the best, and hope things start to go smoothly soon.

 

[QuebecOkie]

I think you're right, that he "dreamed" of the life you two would have for so long, that the different reality is a difficult adjustment. I going through something similar. We moved to Quebec in July of last year, but my husband was only here for about 3 weeks before he left for a 4.5 month course in Ontario. We were lucky that it was only about a 7-hour drive each way, so I got to visit him some. I did pretty well living alone with the language barrier (I arrived speaking no french, though I'm slowly learning), and I always had that light at the end of the tunnel, that by Christmas, he would be home with me. Well...

He came home, and life didn't magically get easy again, like it was for us where we lived in the US. I had a huge circle of friends (I thrive on a busy social life) and a job, and while we spent a lot of time together, I did a lot of stuff on my own with friends, as well. Here...I haven't made many friends. Few people here speak english, and those who do are mostly military spouses. They're very nice, but I don't fit into that mold very well (we have no kids, don't want any, don't want to be around them), and I tended to have a lot more male friends than female friends, which is just not the way things work in a military community.

So I did that dreaming thing. I actually did better while we were apart, because dreaming of a time when we'd be together again sustained me. But the reality was that things didn't change that much. I'm so glad to have my husband here again, but I still have to work hard to have any kind of life here. I don't have many friends, can't work (even if I applied for OWP, I couldn't find a job here without improving my french a lot first), and I find life to be small and boring. Also, I miss my sister and closest friends so badly, and my only nephew learned to walk and talk without me there to share any of it; he doesn't even know who his "Tauntie Meg" is anymore. It's hard, no matter how much you love someone, to leave everything you know and start over. It's hard to see your sparkling dream turn into a difficult reality. But I can't imagine life without my husband, and his patience, love, and understanding helps me keep on trying.

Best wishes!