Dont wish to sponser spouse from pakistan: in big trouble : HELP !

[amjad1002]

yes I have tried talking about it, and neither him nor their family and my family are willing to listen and end this because of the concept of family honour and all that in pakistan. They are not willing to listen. If they were, I wouldn't be here righ tnow

Well its depand only family to family its not all in Pakistan.
I my opinion you must talk with boy and tell him you dont like him and dont wana countines this marriage hope he will understad or talk your family about that.

 

[Princess_123]

Sorry guys! I didnt dissapear, ive been reading all the feedback and would like to thank everyoone for responding. I know i got alot of replies that told me to be straight up, tell the truth, tell the guy, tell my family. I would love to do it, and i have done it. Ive talked to my family and he knows that im not happy in this either.. but nothing worked. I have no wish whatsoever to try to screw up papers because i know how that would effect me, and might even get me in more trouble as well as take time and effect everyone else. If it was so easy to just talk to him and my parents and they listened then i wouldnt be doing this. But they did not. They told me Im in this now and i have to stay in this because its a matter of family relationships as he is the nephew of one of my moms closest friend who is like family to her and well as family honor for them." what will we tell people? what respect would be left" these are the kind of things they said. In this society, especially in pakistani society I believe that the words, "what will people think and say" have ruined so many dreams for people and ruined alot in general for people. For those who told me that i was stupid to go do this in the first place, i agree completely. I was dumb. I SHOULDNT have agreed to this under pressure and done the nikkah, but it happened. That cant be changed. Neither will anyone listen to me. I know that if this goes on, then itll end bad afterwards, I dont want it to go so far that it ends up even worse. Thats the reason why i want to end this before any ruksati (wedding reception) is done, before its too late and the only way i think i can do that is if my application that i send gets denied and rejected. Due to that, and all the prolonged stuff they will probably end it right there. I know this isnt the right way, but i really dont have another choice, im not a bad person, im just in an really bad situation now and i feel theres no way out other than this.

 

[Princess_123]

You can tell CIC that it was a forced marriage due to family pressure. You can withdraw sponsorship & tell CIC ONLY to contact you about the matter. You can later tell your family that CIC has refused to issue the visa because they don't think the relationship was real and out of free will.
Man... I'm from Pakistan too & I'm so lucky not to have the typical cultural bs in the family... So sorry about your situation.
Those who are ridiculing this girl don't understand how difficult navigating this could be.
Let me know if I can help you more.
Much love!

If i tell cic it was a forced marraige, wouldnt my parents and my family get in serious trouble because of that? If so, I cant do that. Thank you for your reply i really appreciate it.

 

[Princess_123]

My dear, I know something about the need to please/obey your parents but I don't believe in blindly doing everything they ask. They believe(rightly or wrongly) they know what's best for you and they have chosen to ignore/dismiss your concerns about this marriage. The question is, will you ignore/dismiss your own concerns too? It does not sound like you want to do that.

If you do not see a future with this man, there is no need to go through sponsorship, even if it is a terribly put application. You may think it is easier that way, but if you do what you are planning, you will just be prolonging the inevitable and your stress levels will be high. You could also jeopardise your chances of sponsoring a man you truly love later on.

As for your parents, are they here in Canada or Pakistan? If they are in Canada, have you thought about moving out and living on your own? Distance can be helpful in such situations. If they are in Pakistan, have you considered limiting your phone calls/emails with them? It's very important to communicate with your parents, tell them truthfully where you stand, what you would like from them, and what you would have no choice but to do if they continue the behavior.

I can tell you from experience, no amount of doing everything they want will establish the necessary boundaries or make them respect you/your feelings. You need to stand up for yourself in a respectful yet firm manner. Create those boundaries, re-enforce them each time and maintain them. If you don't do that, they will also decide when you can begin having children and how many you should have.

Unfortunately, you have already gone a step further by marrying someone you do not want to be with. But it's not too late to turn things around.

It is time my dear, to think carefully, take a stand and decide once and for all what you will do. Once you decide, also make a choice to not change your decision, no matter what. Once your parents realise none of the pressure is working, they will decide to leave you alone and accept things as they are.

About honor, I do not understand the concept per se. Everyday, we(humans) dishonor God/Allah/Buddha etc through our wrongdoings, yet God forgives us each time we repent and ask for His mercy. Who then are we(humans) to demand other humans to "honor" us(family) and even think we are in any position to punish them person? How about your parents allow you to discuss this "honor" business with your God? I'm sorry you are going through this, but I hope this helps you.

Thankyou for opinion! your absolutely right , i know that by doing this it can just lead to more trouble, but wouldnt it also put an end to it maybe? parents arent willing to listen. They wont end this. They live here in canada toronto with me. but they wont jeopardize thier honour. That is very true, the concept of honor in the society doesnt make sense at all but sadly its the way it is and it wont change.

 

[Princess_123]

Fill in the paperwork . When it asks you to describe how your marriage is genuine, include a letter that describes how you feel, that you don't love him, hardly know him and don't want to live with him. Be honest. To do otherwise would be to committ misrepresentation. This will also result in CIC not approving the marriage as genuine.

Oh another way, go on welfare. That will make you ineligable to sponsor.

If i write a letter stating that wouldnt everyone in my family or my spouse and his family find out when it gets rejected that it was due to this letter? Or would CIC keep that to themselves, because I could get in serious trouble that way at home.

 

[SenoritaBella]

Well, I don't know if it will put an end to it. What will you do if CIC still approves the application? It seems like you've made up your mind. Goodluck!

Thankyou for opinion! your absolutely right , i know that by doing this it can just lead to more trouble, but wouldnt it also put an end to it maybe? parents arent willing to listen. They wont end this. They live here in canada toronto with me. but they wont jeopardize thier honour. That is very true, the concept of honor in the society doesnt make sense at all but sadly its the way it is and it wont change.

 

[steerpike]

If i write a letter stating that wouldnt everyone in my family or my spouse and his family find out when it gets rejected that it was due to this letter? Or would CIC keep that to themselves, because I could get in serious trouble that way at home.

CIC will not contact your family. YOU will be the sponsor. CIC will only tell you and your spouse of the rejection. You can ask people on here who have been rejected what the letter was like and how detailed it was. It is possible to request CAIPS/ GCMS notes and that may show the reason for the rejection (or may not). But only you or your spouse can request that. And i think your spouse actually has to get someone in Canada to apply for him. So if your family is very smart and knows the system well they may be able to eventually find out that your letter was not sufficient to convince the VO the marriage was genuine. But GCMS notes are usually not very detailed. At best it will probably just say something like "not enough evidence included to prove genuineness" or something to that effect.

So you can write two letters. Include the real one with the application, but when your spouse gets the GCMS notes, you can show him the 2nd fake letter and tell him thats what you wrote in. I don't think CIC ever returns those original letters when an application fails. And even if they do they return it, it will be returned to you, because you are the sponsor. So as long as you are opening our own mail it won't be an issue.

Of course then your spouse will be left wondering what was wrong with the letter you wrote and why is CIC being so stupid. Just like 100 other people on here who have their applications rejected even tho they are true genuine couples. They have real difficulty getting true answers from CIC. I's not like CIC writes everyone a long detailed letter explaining everything they didn't like about the application.

The next step after rejection is appeal. But appeals take years to go thru. So you may end up having to sabotage an appeal, which is more difficult because appeals almost always win. The judges basically just rubber stamp everything unless there is some really serious reason not to. So how long will your family go on, will they fight thru years of appeals to make this happen?

I mean, even if, after 4 years you lose the appeal. Can't your parents make you sponsor him again? Start over from the beginning with a new application? Or will they give up after the first try? Are you willing to spend the next 5-10 years of your life fighting to keep this guy out of Canada without anyone ever knowing you are doing that?

 

[JMOBhatti]

If i write a letter stating that wouldnt everyone in my family or my spouse and his family find out when it gets rejected that it was due to this letter? Or would CIC keep that to themselves, because I could get in serious trouble that way at home.

As Salam O Alaikum,

I have feelings of pity and rage for you; and I beg your pardon for that.

After going through your issue, I have realized that the issue is not that you dont like the guy you are married to but you like some one else- other than him. I might be totally wrong for making this assumption- with out any right of doing so; sorry for being judgmental.

Please do note that two wrongs does not makes right. No one in the forum - including me, can be as sincere and well wisher to you as your parents; especially your mother. And if you really wants an escape out of this issue, you can absolutely resolve it by your self because "where there is a will, there is a way". Discuss with your mother not in confrontational tone/mood but in a submissive and humble mood. Do let them realize that you do care for their honor, prestige and say in the family - and there is every reason for that to be - but if they want to slaughter your joys, your pleasure and your dreams; you will bow you head. I believe and rest assure that no mother {unless its some step mother} can see his/her kids in grief by any mean.

And please note that Nikkah is not just nikkah. Its beloved Sunnah of prophet SAW. It need not to be documented until recently because our ancestors were man of principals and man of words while people of our age; including you and me, had taken it lightly which made it necessary to put forward the Nikkah in written.

Last but not least, if you submit the application to CIC supporting your relation to be genuine, have you ever thought what your personal standing will be in yours, your parents, your country mates and CIC's eyes when you will later say it as a fraudulent relation - nullifying your own words? Though every application is assessed on individual bases but Do you have an idea that it will/may initiate a doubtful look for future applicants; making the process even tightened for genuine relations as well. Briefly, it will be harming other applicants as you might have noticed from the comments of few colleagues. Different people have also got a chance to criticize the culture of mother land with out knowing the rituals well.

I am not sure about your being practical Muslim or not; otherwise you may consider Istakhara and proceed for Khulla in worse case scenario.

I regret if any of my word sound unpleasant or against yours/thinking of others.

Best Regards
----------------------------------------------------------
""You know the rules of the world. If you breaks them, its not only you who hurts but others also""

 

[amjad1002]

Every well sister or brother.

 

[Edgehead78]

Hey man in our culture we can marry with what ever girl or boy but must be good family back ground so dont miss up here other cultur and do your work got it.

Its clearely not what the OP is involved in.

On an other hand, who are you to give me orders? Here in Canada we have something called freedom of SPEECH and CHOICE. If you don't want to adhere to those principles, you should reconsider your application as its the way its working here. "Got it?"

 

[Obronibini]

What happens if you don't do as they won't ? Will they kick you out of the house ? Or disown you? Stop giving you food or money? After submitting anything with the guys babe etc his chances if coming to Canada later will be slim . Simply don't ! It better if your parent get mad at you for not doing that . They will get over it . People here have told you all the truth . Hope you makes good decision .

 

[amjad1002]

Its clearely not what the OP is involved in.

On an other hand, who are you to give me orders? Here in Canada we have something called freedom of SPEECH and CHOICE. If you don't want to adhere to those principles, you should reconsider your application as its the way its working here. "Got it?"

Who are you to tell my country send mafia,like this first dont start saying this kind of stuff other wise i can also tell much about your country and your nation got it.
This forum is for helping ppl its forum is not to mention wrong stuff for any one elc i hope you understand what i want to say.

 

[Avadava]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but CIC is obligated to state a reason in the refusal letter. Let's say the OP sends a letter explaining her situation, the refusal will reflect that. It might be something like: "This application was refused because your sponsor raised serious concerns about the genuineness of your marriage" or "the sponsor doesn't want to be in this marriage, therefore we don't consider you a member of the family class".

The refusal letter goes to both the applicant and the sponsor. CIC can be very explicit as to why they refused you. I remember reading on a forum that someone was refused because their sponsor didn't show enough proof of the intention of moving back to Canada. And that's what it said in the refusal letter.

I have no advice to give to the OP that could help her get out of this situation. All I can say is that I believe she shouldn't jeopardize her application. She shouldn't apply for her husband and then send a letter to CIC telling them how she doesn't really want to be with this guy. A lie is a lie and it will come back and bite you in the ass.

I don't understand your culture much so I can't really imagine what is like to be in your situation. But from my point of view, the only thing I could tell you is: Get away!

To me this is child abuse (psychological abuse, but still abuse). Get away from the people that hurt you and go find your happiness. Life is too short to spend it pleasing others. Live for yourself. Find someone who loves you and accepts you for who you are. Be selfish, cause your parents certainly are (no real loving parent would put their pride before their child's happiness!)

And please, don't be offended by what I wrote. Like I said before, I don't know this culture and I don't understand it. We each see the world through our cultural "lenses", so this is just how I see it.

Good luck to you!

 

[Kan_Sri]

Hello!

I agree with "Avadava". Life is too short to live with regrets or guilt - be selfish -do what is right for you - everyone else will do the same. Good Luck on whatever you choose to do. His and your life hangs in a balance. Please dont do anything which will have long standing implication on your life or his - in legal point of view.

Rest of us should not discuss culture or country here. lets try to be supportive of a young girl who is trying to make the second most important decision of her life, assuming marriage being the first!.

Best wishes!

Who are to tell my country send mafia like this first dont start saying this kind of stuff other wise i can also tell much about your country and your nation got it

 

[steerpike]

A nikkah only wedding where the couple haven't spent any time together is not a genuwine marriage as far as CIC is concerned. All couples, including married couples of all nationalities need to prove their relationship is real, not just provide a marriage document. She even said the reception was faked. If she submits any photos from that fake ceremony she will be committing misrepresentation.

On the applicatipon, there is a specific question that asks the sponsor and applicant to describe HOW and WHY their marriage is genuwine.

The only way the OP can have a successful application is to LIE on that form. If she tells the TRUTH the CIC will see the marriage as a MoC and the application will be denied.

I, personally, can not recommend the applicant committ missrepresentation. I won't do that.

I would also ask that others consider not advising the OP committ misrepresentation. Her spouse can only enter Canada if the OP committs two acts of misrepresentation. Think about that before you recommend she continue with this lie.