Dont wish to sponser spouse from pakistan: in big trouble : HELP !

[screech339]

What a disgusting reply.
People like you are the reason I don't like my Pakistani nationality. Your thinking is stuck in the 6th century. I'm divorced too & it did NOT make my life miserable. In fact, I'm very happy now than ever before. Please keep this godbot preachy stuff to yourself. She should not have to sacrifice her happiness because she signed a piece of paper, that too out of pressure & coercion.

+1 Kudos for response coming from a Pakistani point of view.

I was troubled and not happy with the response given either. Since I am not Pakistani, I could run the risk of being accused of being "insensitive" or "culturally ignorant" or worst if I said the same thing.

Your response is worth it's weight in gold.

 

[Rainbow.Rainbow]

I think it is good that everyone is being honest, direct and telling her all the implications of her decision. But calling her dumb, is quite frankly dumb on your part. It is easy saying you know the right the thing to do, but much harder to try and emphasize with her.

I have good Canadian-Pakistani friends, from very liberal families. They were allowed to date whom they wanted but when they wanted to get married their parents met and didn't approve of their partner's families and told them they couldn't marry them. So they ended these relationships. When I told my partner about this, he was outraged, "Why wouldn't they tell their parents they don't care what they think, they are going to marry who they want and their parents can accept it or not." But a lot of the time it boils down to obeying their parents or being disowned from the family. I would never face that and it is hard for me to understand that is what life is like for them but I try to understand.

(I'm not saying I agree with her course of action but I'm trying to empathize with her)

I have always been told to accept people as they are, but that you shouldn't try to change to them. And I think that is the general consensus in modern Western society. Is the advice you gave her your personal advice or is it a more common attitude in your culture?

I am 100% agreed that we have to accept on the basis of as is. The net shell and central idea of my previous writing was if she will not be closer to him how both of them will know each other.

Also I tell you one thing I am a number guy due to my professional and educational background and I try to speak in the lights of numbers and figures.

Let's speak about numbers now Pakistan is a sixth most populous country in the world and by 2050 it will be the fifth one. Statistics show that 60.30% of the population is ranging from 15-64 years of age bracket, the annual population growth rate is 1.49%. Total percentage of female is 48.60%( close to men population). This will end up 1.07 male / female ( so technically speaking if you are married once you get your share from society as 1.07 is equivalent to 1.00 next marriage chances are very slim (if you go for it you end up with a polygamy or incompatible matches like age difference, educational differences, etc etc which make your life more miserable, this was my intention when I used this word). Median age of males and females are 21.50 years and 21.60 years respectively ( see we have young people and percentage is so close).

At the end I will add more for our sister azarme09, you are lucky that you got a better second chance. Congratulations on that!! But not everybody gets so many chances in life. There is no need of inventing same wheel again and again.

Good Day everybody!!

 

[user828]

Disclaimer: I am not picking on anything - simply a coincidence this was making news in Reuters while this topic is active. This is very prevalent in North India as well, and by fat the most disgusting thing you can encounter

For those who don't understand this persons dilemma - and facts about Honour

Pakistan woman stoned to death by family for marrying man she loved

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/05/27/us-pakistan-honourkillings-idUSKBN0E711A20140527

Around 1,000 Pakistani women are killed every year by their families in honor killings, according to Pakistani rights group the Aurat Foundation.

But in honor killings, most of the time the women's killers are her family, said Wasim Wagha of the Aurat Foundation. The law allows them to nominate someone to do the murder, then forgive him.

"This is a huge flaw in the law," he said. "We are really struggling on this issue."

 

[azarme09]

Yeah. Pakistan is F*kd up. I don't believe in blind patriotism. If my *fellow* Pakistanis on this thread are so butthurt about having their customs called out, then why do they want to live in Canada? They can live in PK with their spouses. I'm tired of the hypocrisy, lies, & dimwittedness of Pakistanis. So glad that I wasn't born in a religious family nor was forced to deal with Pakistan's backward traditionalism. My previous divorce though was on these grounds. Good guy but conservative as f family. If I have learned one thing from life, it is: NEVER compromise your integrity & NEVER sell your fundamental freedoms. Not to any god & not to any flag.

Disclaimer: I am not picking on anything - simply a coincidence this was making news in Reuters while this topic is active. This is very prevalent in North India as well, and by fat the most disgusting thing you can encounter

For those who don't understand this persons dilemma - and facts about Honour

Pakistan woman stoned to death by family for marrying man she loved

http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/05/27/us-pakistan-honourkillings-idUSKBN0E711A20140527

Around 1,000 Pakistani women are killed every year by their families in honor killings, according to Pakistani rights group the Aurat Foundation.

But in honor killings, most of the time the women's killers are her family, said Wasim Wagha of the Aurat Foundation. The law allows them to nominate someone to do the murder, then forgive him.

"This is a huge flaw in the law," he said. "We are really struggling on this issue."

 

[azarme09]

Oh lord. Which century are you living in? Please don't tell me you're bringing these outdated & inhumane "values" to Canada?! Demagh use karlo. Census data to aisay quote kya hai jaisey you understand population dynamics. You do not.
Divorce is NOT the end of the world. Inventing same wheel? What are you even talking about?

I am 100% agreed that we have to accept on the basis of as is. The net shell and central idea of my previous writing was if she will not be closer to him how both of them will know each other.

Also I tell you one thing I am a number guy due to my professional and educational background and I try to speak in the lights of numbers and figures.

Let's speak about numbers now Pakistan is a sixth most populous country in the world and by 2050 it will be the fifth one. Statistics show that 60.30% of the population is ranging from 15-64 years of age bracket, the annual population growth rate is 1.49%. Total percentage of female is 48.60%( close to men population). This will end up 1.07 male / female ( so technically speaking if you are married once you get your share from society as 1.07 is equivalent to 1.00 next marriage chances are very slim (if you go for it you end up with a polygamy or incompatible matches like age difference, educational differences, etc etc which make your life more miserable, this was my intention when I used this word). Median age of males and females are 21.50 years and 21.60 years respectively ( see we have young people and percentage is so close).

At the end I will add more for our sister azarme09, you are lucky that you got a better second chance. Congratulations on that!! But not everybody gets so many chances in life. There is no need of inventing same wheel again and again.

Good Day everybody!!

 

[yvr1234]

Lying to her family and planning to deceive them is honoring them? .....Uh huh

I think in some culture... it is.
I watched some foreign movies made in that area and found myself being angry while watching it. (because the female character tried to "play good" and kept her mouth shut even when the male character had been wrongly accused of a crime...)

 

[xg0812]

Wow, I cannot believe this kind of thing still exists! But I guess you can always file the application and then call CIC to report it was a forced marriage and that you were forced to submit the application!

 

[scylla]

Dear Sister Princess,

My suggestion is that do not make your life difficult. Accept him as is what he is-accept him as a full package. Once both of you will be closed you can change him according to your likings. We should learn how to groom our dear ones and your spouse is the most dearest person in your life so pay attention to him and tell him that you want him to be "like" that.

Your life will be more miserable once you will be a divorced girl even without rukhsati. I give you my rule of life " I do not believe in taking right decisions. I take decisions, and make them right-inshaALLAH". So you or your older ones took the decision and now you have to make it right.

May Allah subhanwatala help you to reach to the right decision and make your life easy-ameen.

Wow - I just read this. I'm at a loss for words.

Princess_123 - Please ignore the above comment. It comes from a place of complete ignorance. Don't sacrifice your life, future, and happiness. Make the right decision for yourself, not for others.

 

[canvis2006]

Based on the "parents are making me fill in forms and etc"........

Assuming OP files for sponsorship and even gets it knocked out by CIC in her favour,

what is she gonna do when parents will tell her to move to PK and be with him? I mean, she's doing what parents are saying now.
Will she be moving to Pak when parents tell her to go there and live with him cuz he can't go to CA ? What will she want
CIC to do for her then ??

It's best she end it now, apply for divorce right away through some lawyer in Pak.
The guy will get the hint and move on. There'll be nothing they can do then.
But for this, she will have to take initiative, CIC won't do it for her.
Each day wasted on this is not only bad for her, but also for the dude she left hanging for 1+ yr and ongoing.

Either she puts an end to it right away, and face the consequences. Or waste the time of EVERYONE (related) involved to only delay the same.

 

[ariesking]

It's cases like this, no wonder why Pakistan has the world's longest processing time and the strict requirement of "All documents must be originals, no photocopies". I don't know if it's because Pakistan is a truly horrible country to live in and everyone wants to get out by any means, whether applying as refugee, or marriage fraud, or creating fraudulent documents.

New York, USA has 30 months processing time. So according to your logic USA must be "truly horrible to live in and everyone wants to get out by any mean"

Some people need to get their head out of their a*ses to stop generalizing and putting their stupid reasoning online without thoughtful thinking.

 

[Amalthea]

New York, USA has 30 months processing time. So according to your logic USA must be "truly horrible to live in and everyone wants to get out by any mean"

Some people need to get their head out of their a*ses to stop generalizing and putting their stupid reasoning online without thoughtful thinking.

That's because New York gets forwarded to more complicated/red flag applications. Normal US applications are actually processed through Ottawa.


As for the original post, I'm sort of at a loss. I'm trying very hard to understand, but there is no way you can win. There is no easy way out. You don't want to step on any toes, and you don't want to be at fault, but you don't want to sacrifice your happiness. You cannot have all three.

I suggest you put your happiness before the anger of your parents.

There is no way to get out of this without people getting upset, but I urge you to muster up all your strength and courage, and put yourself FIRST. YOU are the most important person in your life, don't make yourself a martyr at the pressure of others, do not sacrifice your happiness.

Refuse to file the paperwork. Stop talking to them. He may file for divorce on his own accord. If he doesn't, you can get a lawyer and file for divorce yourself.

I'm sending you all my strength, you need it. Be tough.

There is NO way to end this without your parents getting upset. There is no way to end this without stepping on any toes. CIC isn't gonna solve your predicament for you. Sorry, but there is no easy way out. People are going to be upset, regardless. End it.

If you want to be happy, I urge you to take the initiative and deal with the "blame", and break up with your parents and your husband.

You deserve to be happy, even if your parents are mad at you because of it. If they care about you, they will want you to be happy, too. They might not realize that right now, but they will some day.

Muster up all your courage, your strength, tell them you are not filing for PR. TELL them that you're not, that you do not want to be in this marriage and there's nothing they can do about it. If it's easier for you, you could ignore them and stop talking to them completely. I would not let them harass me or bogart me into sponsoring someone I don't want to be with. They are in a different country from you! You're safe. I know it's not "IDEAL" but there is no "IDEAL" outcome for this situation.

Hang in there, okay? And do what is right. Take responsibility for your life, it's in your hands and yours alone. Trying to get CIC to break up with your spouse and your parents will only make things worse for you in the long run.

 

[madam-m]

Even if CIC reject yr PR,even if u menage to do that.and then what?

What u ll do then? You think with that yr problems ll go away? It ll never ends,till you end it.

When you understand that,then u ll be able to continue with yr life,till then u r stack and you cant move.

Any other comment is sufficient.

Good luck!

 

[inexplored]

Yeah. Pakistan is F*kd up. I don't believe in blind patriotism. If my *fellow* Pakistanis on this thread are so butthurt about having their customs called out, then why do they want to live in Canada? They can live in PK with their spouses. I'm tired of the hypocrisy, lies, & dimwittedness of Pakistanis. So glad that I wasn't born in a religious family nor was forced to deal with Pakistan's backward traditionalism. My previous divorce though was on these grounds. Good guy but conservative as f family. If I have learned one thing from life, it is: NEVER compromise your integrity & NEVER sell your fundamental freedoms. Not to any god & not to any flag.

Well its you personal experience that makes you think the way you think. Your agony of past experiences is clearly seen in your post. Again it is NOT the fault of the entire culture or country.

{If my *fellow* Pakistanis on this thread are so butthurt about having their customs called out, then why do they want to live in Canada}? Clearly shows your past hurt.

[They can live in PK with their spouses] Based on your bitter experience YOUR kind advise is not asked for hence NOT welcomed. But you are more than happy to keep your views to YOURSELF.
[I'm tired of the hypocrisy, lies, & dimwittedness of Pakistanis] VERY BITTER. SORRY FOR YOU BUT I SEE TOO MUCH AGONY.
[My previous divorce though was on these grounds. Good guy but conservative as f family] WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED HERE. So again it is not a plateform to come and vent out based on your personal bad experience. we are at this post to advise the OP. NOT the way you are.....

[If I have learned one thing from life, it is: NEVER compromise your integrity & NEVER sell your fundamental freedoms. Not to any god & not to any flag.] AH now I see, IT'S YOUR BENEFIT over anything. So anything doesn't work for you in Canada, I can clearly see that your bad mouth will be again on forums such as this and blow out your frustration. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL BUT TRY TO LEARN TO SAY THINGS THAT ARE CONVEYABE AND YET NOT HURTFULL. May be things wont look as bad as they look now.

 

[amjad1002]

+1 Kudos for response coming from a Pakistani point of view.

I was troubled and not happy with the response given either. Since I am not Pakistani, I could run the risk of being accused of being "insensitive" or "culturally ignorant" or worst if I said the same thing.

Your response is worth it's weight in gold.

if people dont know about Islamic marriage so they dont understand that Nikka is just not peace of paper there any many other factor involve but if OP Dont want so she can get divorce instead to hide some thing from CIC which will be make problem for new couples.
reg

 

[keesio]

People who are telling the OP to just stand up to her parents and husband don't understand how trapped the OP must feel. It's like wondering why you see women stay in abusive relationships. There is strong psychology involved. Being from an asian background myself, I understand the OP's situation a bit... but I also know that Pakistan is much much more "traditional" than Korea (where my parents are from). When you are raised in that culture, it is not so easy to just "walk away".

What the OP needs is a support group. I know such groups exist in Canada with large South Asian populations. They help South Asian women who are trapped in "traditional" families with no place to turn to for help. That is what I recommend to the OP - don't file that application and find a support group. They are out there and they understand (many of the helpers are South Asian women who were trapped before). They know the best way to handle things.