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1. What do you know about the mother of his minor kids?
I know they were never legally married. At least, that is what he tells me.
I've spoken both with his brother with whom he lives, several times, and since he suggested I get to know the children, I spoke with them, too, several times. The children's description of their mom's disinterest in them tallies with Eugene's. I've also talked with both him and them at the boarding school.
I cannot go to Africa to check things out, folks. I am blind. Besides not being able to go, I would have to take a sighted companion with me, and I don't have one of those.
2. Are they still together?
No. They are not together. I have phoned him at any time of day or night, and he is alone. I have heard background noise on the phone, and I recognize it as the voice of his brother.
3. Did he pay her dowry(bride price) or do the official family introductions. If so, she is recognised as his wife.
No dowry price was paid, as they lived commonlaw. His children were born out of wedlock. When he called her is "ex-wife", he didn't mean it in the legal sense.
4. Why does he want to marry you?
Why does anyone want to marry anyone? We are in love! Just because I'm disabled doesn't mean I don't need the same things you folks do!
He also wants to marry me, because he has no wife or equivalent person, and while he's trying to get work, his kids are in a boarding school, which is expensive. He wants a wife and mom for his kids, to be together as a family, and of course it would help if he didn't have to pay the boarding school
That is one thing that concerns me. I can sponsor him, but I doubt I could pay for his kids' school.
5. Does the mother of his children have a disability? You can be sure a visa officer will want to know.
No. Besides, she's no longer in the picture. Apparently, when they separated she had them. Then, their 13-year-old daughter got sick and died because neither could pay the medical costs. So she released the kids to him, and they've been in boarding school for about four months.
By the way, I've spoken with the school owner's husband. It's run by a family in Benin.
6. Have you done your own independent investigations of him and his family to be sure his intentions are genuine? This is very imp
How can I do such an investigation? Not everyone is online. I talked to a PI, but he said all he could do was a check to see if he had a criminal record. He couldn't find out his motives.
Look, I know you guys are concerned that I might be exploited. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
How long have I known him? About six weeks. How long does it take for any of you to decide you're crazy in love? People hit it off, and it doesn't take years to decide if the chemistry's there or not.
Truthfully, I didn't even want another long-distance relationship. I wanted to meet someone in Toronto. But the more we emailed, the more I got to respect and like Eugene. A week after daily emails and phone calls, I knew I was in love.
How does an isolated blind woman meet an African fruit-seller? I put in a Classified ad, requesting to find a godly man. I described myself as a warm Christian woman, looking for marriage to a kind, godly man.
Eugene never knew I was disabled, till the third or fourth email.
Eugene's grandmother was blind, and he apparently learned alot from her. All I know is he wants to be with me. The fact that he sees me, and not my disability and other conditions, is more than what I get from most people.
Honestly, I appreciate your concerns, but some of you could learn a little tact and sensitivity.
To the person who simply wished me well, and told me that these things sometimes work out, I say thanks.
By the way, I've raised two children of my own, with a partner who was as blind as I am. It wasn't easy, but we did it.
The present we are talking about now, Eugene and me, is how to get him to Canada so he can meet me, at least. Personally, he wouldn't care if we lived in Lome or Toronto.
But I need the disability pension, and the socialized health care Canada offers. That is why I Can Not go to live in Africa. When I mentioned that, those who knew me threw a blasted you-know-what fit.
So it seems like I can't win.
Are any of you able to influence WheelTrans to let me go on without an escort, so I'm free to travel like an adult, and get out into my community? Are any of you willing to be my lover and companion and friend? Any of you like to marry me?
Well, Eugene wants to do all that for me. Darn it, don't you think there's a God who might care for me enough to decide my suffering's over, or at least I've had enough for now?
Eugene doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. Over the course of our daily communications, we've disagreed, even argued. We've talked about our values. He's told me what he's looking for, and I've told him the same. I'm forming bonds with his kids, and have talked to his brother several times. Eugene isn't perfect, nor is he trying to be for my benefit.
In fact, he said when it looked like we might break up, "Look, Thea, please get yourself someone. Even if it's not me. This isolation isn't good for you."
We got back together.
Whoever said I was in no position to sponsor him: How can you say that? Ontario Disability would take this into consideration. Every month, when I get the check, they always tell you if anything changes, your family size, etc., to let them know.
I also get money from my divorce settlement, and I write web content. That's not exactly lucrative, but it brings in a little.
And to forestall any more questions that show ignorance of how blind people do things: I can read the back of the notice that comes with the check via a sighted person, or a device called a scanner.
Honestly, I'm astonished at the amount of ignorance. If you'd thought about it, you wouldn't have asked how an isolated blind woman could meet an African fruit-seller. I'm online, too. Welcome to the 21st century!
And, since we can't live together, because we're miles apart, Immigration Canada cannot expect us to have a common law relationship, now, can they?
How the heck do I prove that we are in love? Would you like to see the long-distance phone bill I have? Or Eugene's long-distance phone bill? We've emailed each other so often that my inbox was getting full, so I had to delete alot of them.
But not all of them.
Chat clients are very rarely accessible to blind persons using a screenreader, so our one try on Yahoo Messenger wasn't successful, and he doesn't have Skype.
I do, but then, between the two of us, I'm the more computer literate, and the better educated.
He's the more able-bodied. He's kind, has shown himself to be flexible in learning how to handle me when I cry. His first response was quite stern, but now he's calmer.
I've said no to alot of scams, both offline and on. I've reported people to dating sites. I've said no to people who've only wanted me for sex.
I'm doing everything I know of to assure myself he's a good person, but there's only so much I can do. How would I investigate someone in Lome, anyway? Not everyone's on line. If you know of a reliable way I can do that, I'm open.
Do I know what I'm doing? Of course not! Who does? Am I absolutely certain? As much as can be expected, I guess. Could I be wrong? Heck, yes!
And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I just refuse to live in a head-space where no one cares about me, where I can't look forward to some sexual and emotional relief with someone who cares about me. Since I've met Eugene, my mental health has improved. I'm stressing because I don't know how to organize this thing, how to go about it. If he lived in Toronto, I'd take more time. But he doesn't. It's the same as with my first husband. Rob lived in Iowa. We met in Chicago at the National Federation of the Blind conference. Four days after we met, he proposed. We made mistakes, and in the end, we divorced. But I had sixteen years with him, twelve of which we lived in a beautiful house on Maui. We made mistakes, but I do not consider Rob a mistake. Thing is, we had to act quickly. One of us had to give up where we lived, make that commitment, and move to the other's country. Rob moved to mine, for the services it provides to blind people, that Iowa didn't have.
This could turn out the same, or better, or worse. I don't know. All I know is, I have to try. If any of you could really put yourselves in my shoes, what would you do?
You are disabled: blind, have pain diseases, depression and anxiety. Your city's paratransit demands you have an escort. You are fighting this with Human Rights, but in the meantime, the only way you can reach out to people is through the phone and your computer, with its Braille display and synthesized speech screenreader.
The isolation goes on and on. The only friend you have isplanning to move elsewhere.
Then, you decide to take some initiative. Put in a Classified ad, or join a dating site. You meet me. I woo you. I show you more kindness and insight and care than the friendly visitor that comes for an hour or two once a week. We're getting on like a house on fire. There's just one little difficulty: you're in Canada, I'm in Togo. I remind you each day that God loves you, and so do I. I express interest in whether you've eaten today, concern if you have not--even ask you to pet the cat for me. You can't come to me because you need the health insurance Canada provides. What would you do?
