After landing - advice?

[blueboom]

Hey everyone. I thought this would be the best place to ask this question, although it's not necessarily a question about the immigration process.

My husband is landing soon. The entirety of our relationship has been long distance and we've been married for a year. We haven't had the adjustment period that other newlyweds might have experienced, and we never lived together prior to marriage. I can ask for advice from friends/family about being newly married and the challenge of combining our lives, but their advice misses the mark because of the extra layer of immigration-related stuff.

We have spent a lot of time preparing for what my husband needs to do once he gets here (i.e. what he needs to have when he lands, finding a job, getting all his ID, etc.), but we haven't thought about the effect on our relationship or how to change the dynamic between us so that we continue to cultivate a healthy relationship.

It hit me over the last few days that I haven't a clue how we should treat this transition period from being long-distance to being with each other all the time and not temporarily together on vacation. Examples of what I'm thinking about: unintentionally doing/saying things that makes the sponsored spouse feel alienated in a new country, being lazy with communication because "we're together now", letting day-to-day stress overpower things, and most of all - being stuck in the little single-person quirks we developed while apart!

What are some of the unexpected challenges you faced/are facing once you and your spouse were/are reunited? What worked for you and what didn't?

Thanks.

 

[parker24]

Hey everyone. I thought this would be the best place to ask this question, although it's not necessarily a question about the immigration process.

My husband is landing soon. The entirety of our relationship has been long distance and we've been married for a year. We haven't had the adjustment period that other newlyweds might have experienced, and we never lived together prior to marriage. I can ask for advice from friends/family about being newly married and the challenge of combining our lives, but their advice misses the mark because of the extra layer of immigration-related stuff.

We have spent a lot of time preparing for what my husband needs to do once he gets here (i.e. what he needs to have when he lands, finding a job, getting all his ID, etc.), but we haven't thought about the effect on our relationship or how to change the dynamic between us so that we continue to cultivate a healthy relationship.

It hit me over the last few days that I haven't a clue how we should treat this transition period from being long-distance to being with each other all the time and not temporarily together on vacation. Examples of what I'm thinking about: unintentionally doing/saying things that makes the sponsored spouse feel alienated in a new country, being lazy with communication because "we're together now", letting day-to-day stress overpower things, and most of all - being stuck in the little single-person quirks we developed while apart!

What are some of the unexpected challenges you faced/are facing once you and your spouse were/are reunited? What worked for you and what didn't?

Thanks.

One of the major one was sleeping in the same bed. It took me a while, but now I can barely sleep without him in the bed with me!! The thing you both need to agree on, is communication. Be open with each other and honest. My husband would tell me that he misses home so much it hurt, and it would hurt me. Not only because it made me feel bad that he was so far away, but also because HE was hurting. We had to talk about how we each felt and how different life is and will be. While my husband was here throughout the application process, he was ALWAYS with me. So when he landed and got a job, I always tell him I get lonely sometimes. Being able to have honesty and say whatever is on your heart, is the key to a wonderful marriage. Things won't always be smooth sailing, there will be some bumps in the road, but as long as you commit to TALKING (be it in notes, smoke signals, Morse code, etc etc) your marriage will survive the transition

Congrats Mr and Mrs Boom

 

[dayver1331]

Parker24, some REAL nice advice.

Honesty is always the best route, even when it's not pleasant. What is a relationship when we hide real emotions from each other? We want a TRUE person to be next to us, even when it's not always rosy.
I think growing pains are unavoidable because it takes experiences to learn about each other. The end product is worth the hardship to get there.

 

[Spoken05]

I really like this thread!!

I would love to hear some more advice from people!

I'm currently in the process of sponsoring my husband here and I would like to be somewhat prepared for when we live together

 

[blueboom]

One of the major one was sleeping in the same bed. It took me a while, but now I can barely sleep without him in the bed with me!! The thing you both need to agree on, is communication. Be open with each other and honest. My husband would tell me that he misses home so much it hurt, and it would hurt me. Not only because it made me feel bad that he was so far away, but also because HE was hurting. We had to talk about how we each felt and how different life is and will be. While my husband was here throughout the application process, he was ALWAYS with me. So when he landed and got a job, I always tell him I get lonely sometimes. Being able to have honesty and say whatever is on your heart, is the key to a wonderful marriage. Things won't always be smooth sailing, there will be some bumps in the road, but as long as you commit to TALKING (be it in notes, smoke signals, Morse code, etc etc) your marriage will survive the transition

Congrats Mr and Mrs Boom

Thanks, Parker! That is great advice. We will definitely have to commit to talking. I think because the majority of our relationship has been conducted on Skype and phone calls where we have no choice but to talk, we may take for granted that we might have to put effort into talking now.

 

[blueboom]

Parker24, some REAL nice advice.

Honesty is always the best route, even when it's not pleasant. What is a relationship when we hide real emotions from each other? We want a TRUE person to be next to us, even when it's not always rosy.
I think growing pains are unavoidable because it takes experiences to learn about each other. The end product is worth the hardship to get there.

Luckily my husband and I have no problem with honesty. What we really lack is tact, haha. Joking aside, I agree. We started our relationship with one hard rule of honesty because you don't want to be married to a stranger.

 

[amikety]

I would discuss computer time, especially if you spent a lot of time together on the computer. I've noticed in a lot of long distance, online relationships, one partner tends to want to remain on the computer 24/7 while the other wants to get away from the computer and explore life.

There's also the goodies like how to divide household chores (if you do them all, I'm kicking Mr. Boom's behind) and bills (once he's working, obviously. Unless he's rich. If he's rich, does he have a rich brother?)

Issues we had included sleeping with the door open/closed. Having a fan in the bedroom for noise/no fan. Brewing coffee at home or going to Tim Horton's. Early bird or night owl. There was also once a discussion about why he isn't allowed to rinse the pasta any longer.

I would also discuss levels of cleanliness. I noticed a lot of people claim to be "clean" or "tidy" but these words have a completely subjective definition. Are you okay with dirty dishes left out overnight? (That was a big argument which ended with: "Well, if you don't like it, you can wash them!" END!) How often do you like the vacuum run? Do you want shoes worn in the house? Who does the laundry?

I would also set ground rules for guests, visitors, etc. Are you okay with friends showing up anytime or do you want a warning first? If the in-laws want to visit, can he invite them with checking with you first? Or vice versa?

 

[blueboom]

Something else I thought about was the decision making process being different now. While apart, it's easier to commit to certain things because the other person isn't "really" affected (other than cost or scheduling) by things like me buying a new couch for my apartment. Now I have to remember not to speak for my husband, lol. All married couples have to go through that period of learning how to make decisions as a team, but I have been feeling like its totally delayed in our case. I guess as long as we aren't set in the ways we're used to behaving while long distance...

 

[CanadianJeepGuy]

Have no expectations. Let the physical closeness develop naturally. Let him roam around and find places to put his crap.

 

[MadeInCanada]

Thanks, Parker! That is great advice. We will definitely have to commit to talking. I think because the majority of our relationship has been conducted on Skype and phone calls where we have no choice but to talk, we may take for granted that we might have to put effort into talking now.

I told my husband it will feel odd in the begining to not have earbuds in while speaking to him and to not be looking at a screen...You can still turn on skype from opposite ends of the house. If it all gets too real then perhaps that "normal" will put it in perspective again.

Joking aside, the transition will be a test for you both. As already mentioned honesty is the best policy, and making sure to keep the lines of communication open.

Something else worth noting is the hour at which people/friends/family call unless it is an emergency. My cut off is 9 or 10 PM. Sometimes I even ignore the phone then(but don't tell my mom, I think she forgot they cut the umbilical cord at birth)

 

[blueboom]

I would discuss computer time, especially if you spent a lot of time together on the computer. I've noticed in a lot of long distance, online relationships, one partner tends to want to remain on the computer 24/7 while the other wants to get away from the computer and explore life.

There's also the goodies like how to divide household chores (if you do them all, I'm kicking Mr. Boom's behind) and bills (once he's working, obviously. Unless he's rich. If he's rich, does he have a rich brother?)

Issues we had included sleeping with the door open/closed. Having a fan in the bedroom for noise/no fan. Brewing coffee at home or going to Tim Horton's. Early bird or night owl. There was also once a discussion about why he isn't allowed to rinse the pasta any longer.

I would also discuss levels of cleanliness. I noticed a lot of people claim to be "clean" or "tidy" but these words have a completely subjective definition. Are you okay with dirty dishes left out overnight? (That was a big argument which ended with: "Well, if you don't like it, you can wash them!" END!) How often do you like the vacuum run? Do you want shoes worn in the house? Who does the laundry?

I would also set ground rules for guests, visitors, etc. Are you okay with friends showing up anytime or do you want a warning first? If the in-laws want to visit, can he invite them with checking with you first? Or vice versa?

Omg. I totally forgot about the first point. I am a total Internet junkie. My husband is into gadgets but doesn't get Internet humour. He likes toys and I like spending endless hours on forums (ahem). I think he and I need to discuss this because it will be the most immediate situation. Luckily, during the period of our relationship, my computer use dropped.

You brought up a lot of stuff that we need to figure out. Some of it I can see us coming to an understanding fairly easily, but some things will take time. Unfortunately we are living with my mother until he gets a job (they teamed up on me and said we could save money at the expense of my sanity) so we are victim to her whims for a few months. I'm praying to the wealth gods to bless him with a job (or a rich brother!!)

 

[Westie]

Hi

I hadn't lived with my partner either prior to moving to Canada and I remember feeling the same way before coming. I moved here on a work visa and have just put in my application for PR, been here over a year.
I think talking over household chores and what each other expects and dividing them accordingly, being open and honest with each other. Realize that its a huge transition for the "foreign" person. At times he will be sad and homesick, after all there comes a realization that you wont return to your homeland for good.
In my experience its brought me and my partner closer together and not just because we live together. I think he's amused by watching my excitement at learning new things and adapting to a new culture there's always plenty to talk about there!
Spend time together, make him your priority once he is here and include him in social occasions, show him the sites of the beautiful country he has moved to. Remember the holidays of his home country and teach the new ones Most of all make him feel at home let him have personal belongings in your established home
Good luck you will be fine

 

[Zouk Princesse]

One thing that was really important for me was acknowledging that my husband was coming into my country, where I was established in my career, had my home, my vehicle, my life, everything. And the key is to make him feel genuinely that all of this is now his too. It can be very easy for your newly arrived spouse to be overwhelmed by you being so settled and feel almost like a guest in his/her own home. From day 1, let them make decisions, take charge of certain things, and don't you go off making decisions without them. Truly building a life together is beautiful, but it takes work. Put pride aside and just focus on each others' needs. As others have said, communication is key. Let the small things go. You can't win them all, so decide what's worth really fighting for. Your newcomer is gonna make some mistakes, let em learn from them, it's ok.

Everyone's gonna tell you that now he/she is here, "the honeymoon is over" (people somehow believe that being apart is super easy). They'll tell you that all the sweet things you had while you were apart are gonna end. Please ignore them. Yes, it is a huge change, but it can be the most beautiful change of your life if you make it to be. And all the closeness and cutesy things you had while apart certainly don't have to end! You worked hard for this reunion, don't let anyone turn your blessing into a curse!

 

[blueboom]

One thing that was really important for me was acknowledging that my husband was coming into my country, where I was established in my career, had my home, my vehicle, my life, everything. And the key is to make him feel genuinely that all of this is now his too. It can be very easy for your newly arrived spouse to be overwhelmed by you being so settled and feel almost like a guest in his/her own home. From day 1, let them make decisions, take charge of certain things, and don't you go off making decisions without them. Truly building a life together is beautiful, but it takes work. Put pride aside and just focus on each others' needs. As others have said, communication is key. Let the small things go. You can't win them all, so decide what's worth really fighting for. Your newcomer is gonna make some mistakes, let em learn from them, it's ok.

Everyone's gonna tell you that now he/she is here, "the honeymoon is over" (people somehow believe that being apart is super easy). They'll tell you that all the sweet things you had while you were apart are gonna end. Please ignore them. Yes, it is a huge change, but it can be the most beautiful change of your life if you make it to be. And all the closeness and cutesy things you had while apart certainly don't have to end! You worked hard for this reunion, don't let anyone turn your blessing into a curse!

This is such good advice, especially the part about letting your partner make decisions. I have been cleaning and doing all sorts of things in preparation for my husband to get here and I'm now wondering if that is making him feel like he's a guest I'm cleaning the house for...

I keep telling everyone that "finally, our honeymoon is going to begin!" I can finally have that "newlywed" look everyone told me I was GOING to have when I got married.

 

[blueboom]

Hi

I hadn't lived with my partner either prior to moving to Canada and I remember feeling the same way before coming. I moved here on a work visa and have just put in my application for PR, been here over a year.
I think talking over household chores and what each other expects and dividing them accordingly, being open and honest with each other. Realize that its a huge transition for the "foreign" person. At times he will be sad and homesick, after all there comes a realization that you wont return to your homeland for good.
In my experience its brought me and my partner closer together and not just because we live together. I think he's amused by watching my excitement at learning new things and adapting to a new culture there's always plenty to talk about there!
Spend time together, make him your priority once he is here and include him in social occasions, show him the sites of the beautiful country he has moved to. Remember the holidays of his home country and teach the new ones Most of all make him feel at home let him have personal belongings in your established home
Good luck you will be fine

This is great advice. I'm excited to show my husband new things that he's never experienced before - I bet I'll be the same as your partner!