IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[MarijaMarija]

I am sorry to hear that you are so disappointed. I understand how you must be feeling.. Why do not you make some pause for beginning, take a break... I was learning from Ieltsliz.com (so great teacher) and shelly (my ielts classroom). I was 6 at writing (terrible, I know! ), but it is due to my practice, not the sources

 

[nthalork]

Write a letter to your friend who lives in another country. In your letter:
- Invite him/her to a public event in your country
- Describe the public event in your country
- Explain about the other plans you have for your friend when he/she will visit.

Dear Lily,

How are you? It’s been a long time since we met. I can’t wait to invite you for the 18th annual desert festival being held in the state of Rajasthan from 1st to 7th November.

The ‘Thaar Festival’ is being organized every year since 2001 by the Government of Rajasthan. This incredible event is a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience the local cuisine, culture, and music of the desert state. The day is generally reserved for various activities such as camel and horse races while evenings are thrilled with enchanting music and dance performances by the local artists. There would be a number of vegetarian and non-vegetarian food counters to taste the authentic local dishes.

Moreover, I’d like you to visit heritage buildings and forts in the vicinity. You’ll be amazed by the architectures and sculptures of these marvelous constructions of the past centuries. In addition, a day exploring the sand dunes of Rajasthan would be a mesmerizing experience, especially during the evenings.

So get ready for a quick trip for India, I’m eagerly awaiting your yes.

Warm wishes,
Florence

 

[nthalork]

You are missing on Task Achievement that's why not scoring 7.
Prompt statement can be divided in two parts. First talks about childhood obesity and the second one about obesity in developed nations. Now, reading your essay if i remove world children everything still holds true because you are talking about overall obesity and not addressing obesity in children. Also, you didn't talk about obesity in developed countries.

Thanks for your time reviewing my essay, I will try to incorporate all the suggestions in future essays.

 

[nthalork]

Same issue as your previous one. Young People = 10-24 age group... the one which is mostly studying. So higher disposable income?

Thanks Again @AB17, I will work on the task response issue, what about other assessment criterias ?

 

[nthalork]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th and others

Many Jobs used to be done at home by hand, but nowadays an increasing number of them are done using machines instead. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development.

These days, many household tasks and chores, which were conventionally done manually, are increasingly performed by electronic devices. While convenience and times it saves are two key benefits of this trend, a sedentary lifestyle and higher cost are the main disadvantages of this.

One of the preponderant benefits of this shift from manuals to machines is the convenience it brings to life. This is because these sophisticated devices can do many of the household chores at a click of a button. For example, washing machines can automatically wash and dry the clothes, without any manual efforts, which traditionally required a great deal of time and energy. Another major advantage of this approach is that these machines can a lot of valuable time which is spent on other quality activities such as with family or exercising. These machines are so efficient that it can do the hour-long task in just minutes. To illustrate, conventionally house cleaning required plenty of effort and time, but, now, this can be done by robot vacuum cleaners at a preset time without human intervention.

Turning to the disadvantages, a sedentary lifestyle is one of the major drawbacks of this phenomenon. Owing to the over-reliance on machines, people only do a negligible amount of physical activities, which makes their life sedentary, which consequently may result in health-related problems such as obesity and indolency. Another disadvantage of this tendency is the higher cost of these machines as they are often costly and require periodical repairs. This means that despite higher earnings, people are left with very little money to meet their other personal needs such as food and children's education and they have to compromise other useful areas.

To conclude, a certain number of conventional manual jobs are these days carried out by electronic gadgets such as washing machines and mixers. The comfort and conservation of quality time are the major merits of this approach while higher expenses to upkeep these devices and a less physically active routine are the prominent disadvantages.

 

[cansha]

@cansha @H0peAndFa1th and others

Many Jobs used to be done at home by hand, but nowadays an increasing number of them are done using machines instead. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development.

Ignoring everything else, this review (or rather questions to you) will focus on task response evaluation criteria.


These days, many household tasks and chores, The question is not limited to household chores. It says "Many jobs". Actually there is a similar essay topic which specifically mentions household chores. Are you trying to use content of one essay topic in another? Does it help you address the question here? Does it really paraphrases the statement?
which were conventionally done manually, are increasingly performed by electronic devices. Does machine = electronic device?
While convenience and times it saves are two key benefits of this trend, a sedentary lifestyle and higher cost are the main disadvantages of this.

One of the preponderant benefits of this shift from manuals to machines is the convenience it brings to life. There are manuals of machine. Review your sentence again.
This is because these sophisticated devices can do many of the household chores at a click of a button. For example, washing machines can automatically wash and dry the clothes, without any manual efforts, which traditionally required a great deal of time and energy. Another major advantage of this approach is that these machines can a lot of valuable time which is spent on other quality activities such as with family or exercising. These machines are so efficient that it can do the hour-long task in just minutes. To illustrate, conventionally house cleaning required plenty of effort and time, but, now, this can be done by robot vacuum cleaners at a preset time without human intervention. Does the robo cleaner in your example actually vacuum the house in minutes? Or does it take same time but no manual intervention which you also say. So does your previous argument / statement get any support from your example?

Turning to the disadvantages, a sedentary lifestyle is one of the major drawbacks of this phenomenon. Owing to the over-reliance on machines, people only do a negligible amount of physical activities, which makes their life sedentary, which consequently may result in health-related problems such as obesity and indolency. Another disadvantage of this tendency is the higher cost of these machines as they are often costly and require periodical repairs. This means that despite higher earnings, people are left with very little money to meet their other personal needs such as food and children's education and they have to compromise other useful areas. Do you really think someone who has that robo vaccum cleaner is compromising on food or school fee? Really?

To conclude, a certain number of conventional manual jobs are these days carried out by electronic gadgets such as washing machines and mixers. The comfort and conservation of quality time are the major merits of this approach while higher expenses to upkeep these devices and a less physically active routine are the prominent disadvantages.

Ideas are there but still they don't achieve task response and C&C. And you dig that hole for yourself because you limited the topic to only household chores. If you hadn't done that you could have explored other facets in the disadvantages section.

 

[singh-avi]

Hello all, would anyone please help me in writing sections please? I would be very thankful. Thanks in advance.

You would like to participate in a work-related seminar in another country.

Write a letter to the person in charge of the seminar and ask for detailed information regarding the dates, program, accommodation and cost


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am Tony stark and I am working as Computer Programmer in San Jose, California. I read an advertisement in today’s newspaper about a seminar on application development which is going to held in New York. I would like to attend that seminar but first I want to know about information that was not mentioned in that advert.

I am wondering about dates of the seminar. It would be great if you can provide me a short overview about the program, like, what topics will be covered over the course of this seminar. Moreover, I would be glad to know that what time it would start and end each day. Please inform me at what price I can book my seat. Lastly, I will be travelling from San Jose and I need to know if the accommodation will be arranged by you or I will be on my own?

Thank you in advance. Looking forward to hear from you soon.

Yours faithfully,

Tony Stark

 

[nthalork]

"Some people believe that eventually all jobs will be done by the artificially intelligent robots" what is your opinion?

A certain number of people consider that ultimately all tasks will be performed by AI powered robots. I think that while most unskilled and repetitive tasks would be executed by machines, some tasks which require human interaction and human lives are involved would always be performed by humans.

To begin with, most routine and unskilled tasks, which do not require subject-specific knowledge, would be undertaken self-taught robots. This is because these tasks generally follow a fixed process, which can be fed to these machines and these devices can perform such tasks much more efficiently and accurately. For instance, a robot can assemble a car with perfection and celerity and , hence, most such tasks would be outsourced to robots.

Nevertheless, some tasks which involve empathy, human interaction, and lives will always have human interference. To illustrate, a computer can perform a particular kind of surgery, but it can never understand a patient’s feelings, counsel them, and give them a personalized treatment as a human can. Moreover, as computers learn from the past incidents, they are incapable of handling anything unique and new. Thus, humans will always play pivotal roles when it comes to dealings with other humans, living things or distinctive problems.

To recapitulate, it is sometimes believed that self-learning computers will undertake all the jobs. While I differ with this opinion and believe that while repetitive tasks will be carried out by bots, tasks which are unique and require dealing with living things shall continue to be performed by individuals.

 

[nthalork]

Ignoring everything else, this review (or rather questions to you) will focus on task response evaluation criteria.


These days, many household tasks and chores, The question is not limited to household chores. It says "Many jobs". Actually there is a similar essay topic which specifically mentions household chores. Are you trying to use content of one essay topic in another? Does it help you address the question here? Does it really paraphrases the statement?
which were conventionally done manually, are increasingly performed by electronic devices. Does machine = electronic device?
While convenience and times it saves are two key benefits of this trend, a sedentary lifestyle and higher cost are the main disadvantages of this.

One of the preponderant benefits of this shift from manuals to machines is the convenience it brings to life. There are manuals of machine. Review your sentence again.
This is because these sophisticated devices can do many of the household chores at a click of a button. For example, washing machines can automatically wash and dry the clothes, without any manual efforts, which traditionally required a great deal of time and energy. Another major advantage of this approach is that these machines can a lot of valuable time which is spent on other quality activities such as with family or exercising. These machines are so efficient that it can do the hour-long task in just minutes. To illustrate, conventionally house cleaning required plenty of effort and time, but, now, this can be done by robot vacuum cleaners at a preset time without human intervention. Does the robo cleaner in your example actually vacuum the house in minutes? Or does it take same time but no manual intervention which you also say. So does your previous argument / statement get any support from your example?

Turning to the disadvantages, a sedentary lifestyle is one of the major drawbacks of this phenomenon. Owing to the over-reliance on machines, people only do a negligible amount of physical activities, which makes their life sedentary, which consequently may result in health-related problems such as obesity and indolency. Another disadvantage of this tendency is the higher cost of these machines as they are often costly and require periodical repairs. This means that despite higher earnings, people are left with very little money to meet their other personal needs such as food and children's education and they have to compromise other useful areas. Do you really think someone who has that robo vaccum cleaner is compromising on food or school fee? Really?

To conclude, a certain number of conventional manual jobs are these days carried out by electronic gadgets such as washing machines and mixers. The comfort and conservation of quality time are the major merits of this approach while higher expenses to upkeep these devices and a less physically active routine are the prominent disadvantages.

Ideas are there but still they don't achieve task response and C&C. And you dig that hole for yourself because you limited the topic to only household chores. If you hadn't done that you could have explored other facets in the disadvantages section.

Thanks @cansha for such detailed feedback. In future I will try not to distort or mold the topic of the essay. Keep up the good work, God bless

 

[ammad88]

Hi Folks ... Sorry I have been away for almost two weeks now. As some of you may know I finally moved for good to Canada and it came with all the challenges you have when you move to a new country. So took me a while. But really nice to see people still helped each other and provided comments on the essays.

I was looking through the pages and I see quite a few essays were already reviewed. So, I won't review them again. But if your essay was not reviewed please post it again and tag me and I will try to review it.

For anyone new to this thread please read my this post here for my most common feedback items on essay https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485

The most important thing to score a 7+ score is Task Achievement / Response. So focus on that and make sure you are answering the question asked. Many essays we see here would be kind of bad essays even in your native language. So, you're not scoring a less score because your English is not good enough. It is because the content is not up to the mark yet. It is relatively easy to fix only if you are focusing on task response and actively trying to improve upon it. There are ton of reviews here so please read reviews of essays other than yours also. You can learn much more that way than just focusing on review of your own essay.

All the best everyone!

Hey Cansha, nice to hear that. Hope you're doing well in Canada. Enjoy the winters

 

[cansha]

Hey Cansha, nice to hear that. Hope you're doing well in Canada. Enjoy the winters

Thanks!! Winters are yet to arrive but quite near.

 

[cansha]

Write a letter to your friend who lives in another country. In your letter:
- Invite him/her to a public event in your country
- Describe the public event in your country
- Explain about the other plans you have for your friend when he/she will visit.

Dear Lily,

How are you? It’s been a long time since we met. I can’t wait to invite you for the 18th annual desert festival being held in the state of Rajasthan from 1st to 7th November.

The ‘Thaar Festival’ is being organized every year since 2001 by the Government of Rajasthan. This incredible event is a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience the local cuisine, culture, and music of the desert state. The day is generally reserved for various activities such as camel and horse races while evenings are thrilled with enchanting music and dance performances by the local artists. There would be a number of vegetarian and non-vegetarian food counters to taste the authentic local dishes.

Moreover, I’d like you to visit heritage buildings and forts in the vicinity. You’ll be amazed by the architectures and sculptures of these marvelous constructions of the past centuries. In addition, a day exploring the sand dunes of Rajasthan would be a mesmerizing experience, especially during the evenings.

So get ready for a quick trip for India, I’m eagerly awaiting your yes.

Warm wishes,
Florence

This is well written for task 1. this tells me you can write well. You just need to improve Task 2 now.

Thanks @cansha for such detailed feedback. In future I will try not to distort or mold the topic of the essay. Keep up the good work, God bless[/QUO

 

[cansha]

"Some people believe that eventually all jobs will be done by the artificially intelligent robots" what is your opinion?
.

So overall the flow is very good in this essay and has the components that we have been talking about. BUT, there are a few things which are not consistent. So let me point those out.


A certain number of people consider that ultimately all tasks will be performed by AI powered robots. I think that while most unskilled and repetitive tasks would be executed by machines, some tasks which require human interaction and human lives are involved would always be performed by humans.

To begin with, Find new ways of starting BP1. This phrase has been overused lately. You may want to have few more options.

most routine and unskilled tasks, which do not require subject-specific knowledge, would be undertaken self-taught robots. This is because these tasks generally follow a fixed process, which can be fed to these machines and these devices can perform such tasks much more efficiently and accurately. For instance, a robot can assemble a car with perfection and celerity and , hence, most such tasks would be outsourced to robots.

Few points - If you disagree, that is okay.

The example here is a bit outdated. In most factories cars are already assembled by robots. And they are not really AI robots. What is the difference between AI robot and a normal robot?

Few problems with words I highlighted in the first line. Does assembling car require subject specific knowledge? I think yes, not everyone can assemble the car. But in argument say tasks which don't require subject specific knowledge will be done by robots. You see the issue. Also, car assembly is not really an unskilled task.

I kind of understand where you wanted to go but the example and the words used don't really communicate what you intended to say. That is my read and you can disagree.


Nevertheless, some tasks which involve empathy, human interaction, and lives will always have human interference. To illustrate, a computer can perform a particular kind of surgery, but it can never understand a patient’s feelings, counsel them, and give them a personalized treatment as a human can. Moreover, as computers learn from the past incidents, they are incapable of handling anything unique and new. Thus, humans will always play pivotal roles when it comes to dealings with other humans, living things or distinctive problems. I really liked the argument in green. You should explained / explored it a bit more.

To recapitulate, again find a few new phrases

it is sometimes believed that self-learning computers will undertake all the jobs. While I differ with this opinion and believe that while repetitive tasks will be carried out by bots, tasks which are unique and require dealing with living things shall continue to be performed by individuals

Conclusion reads more like the introduction paragraph here.

 

[Aruntocanada]

@cansha please see if I can get 7 on this:

Some businesses observe that new employees who just graduated from a college or university seem to lack interpersonal skills needed for communication with their colleagues. What could be the reason for this? What solutions can help address this problem?

It has been observed by few businesses that recent graduates from college or University usually lack basic communication skills required for conversing with other colleagues. Though having no specified course seems to be the primary cause of this however, the same can be combated by adding up a required course at the University level.

To begin with, the primary reason why freshers are lacking communication etiquette while conversing with co-workers is because most of the colleges do not offer any such subject to study. This means, usually universities do not teach specifically about how to interact with other working professional at work, which is quite different than conversing with other students . Since a typical workplace consists of people from different backgrounds, ethnicities, and position hence, the style of communication needs to be subtle as well. For example, a new joiner needs to handle a variety of conversations while handling different people like manager, senior manager, and mentor in office.

However, academic institutions can tackle this challenge by formulating a course and by placing it in the last semester. This way, students who are going to achieve their degree and ready to join the labor market will also be equipped with the required communication tools. Since this subject will particularly work on the use cases and situations which would arise after joining the work and teaches them how to go about handling tough situations. For example, new joiner will learn how to participate and respond in formal meetings such as target and appraisal meetings.

To conclude, business houses have found a great lack of interpersonal skills in fresh graduate when it comes to communicate with co-workers. Even-though, the primary sources of this issue is that University does not have a module to teach students about this subject however, having a particular subject in last semester which teach work-place related use cases and scenarios would solve this issue.


I have followed Chris who always recommend to write one problem and one solution even though prompt asked for plural (with s) . Please share your views on that as well.

 

[Maha02]

Hi,
Please review my essay.

Smoking not only harms the smoker, but also those who are nearby. Therefore, smoking should be banned in public places.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


It is often argued that people should not be permitted to smoke in public places, since it has adverse effects on the people who are in the surroundings. I completely concord with that view, because passive smoking significantly affects an individual’s health.

It is certainly true to say that the smokers affect their health condition badly by excessive or regular smoking. Unfortunately, it impacts a nearby innocent person, as he also inhales that toxic smoke. Generally, smoking in workplaces and shopping malls would act as an impediment for other’s health as they are also prone to deadly diseases like lung cancer and bronchitis. It is quite possible to have a pregnant women or children in all the throng, and the consequences of passive smoking would sorely affect them. Constant smoking can be very intrusive and annoying to the public. Researches have evidently proved that passive smoking is as much as dreadful as active smoking.

There is, however, a faction that claims that smoking acts as a stressbuster and helps to take a breath of air in their mundane lives. Moreover, it is quite impossible to construct smoking zones far away from workplace, as it consumes a lot of money and space.

To conclude, public smoking is a serious phenomenon and measures must be taken to prevent this detrimental behaviour. Government must strenuously prohibit the practice of smoking in public places. Furthermore, severe punishments in terms of hefty fines must be imposed so that smokers would eventually succumb to public smoking. Both government and individuals must collectively work together to stop this act.