IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Hannan Khan]

A bit busy but, Hannan had a quick glance over your essay. Its a good one and your writing style has really improved. But i had some issues with your essay.

When i read your introduction first and second sentence i felt like you don't agree with sportsmen pay due to usage of very strong adjectives like Superfluous, hefty and extravagant(in BP1). Whereas, in the essay you have argued in favor of the huge pay. I believe it would it affect your TA score. You gotta tone down your words because you are justifying it. Usage of words should be natural.

In your BP2, your biggest reason came afterwards some other small reason. Just rearrange it, always write your main argument first as it also formed part of your conclusion.

Overall, I feel you can score 7.

Thanks for the feedback. Point 1 is well noted. I should probably go easy on the 'superfluous' use of vocabulary

About point 2: I have sought help from an IELTS tutor and ex-examiner lately, and I must leave this point here for a discussion or as information. According to her, the biggest argument of the other side should always come first in BP1, while the biggest argument of our side should come last in BP2. This creates a logical flow in the reader's mind as they would gradually progress toward the best argument of essay. Sort of weakens the other party's argument and finishes the essay on our best.

 

[Vvek]

Thanks for the feedback. Point 1 is well noted. I should probably go easy on the 'superfluous' use of vocabulary

About point 2: I have sought help from an IELTS tutor and ex-examiner lately, and I must leave this point here for a discussion or as information. According to her, the biggest argument of the other side should always come first in BP1, while the biggest argument of our side should come last in BP2. This creates a logical flow in the reader's mind as they would gradually progress toward the best argument of essay. Sort of weakens the other party's argument and finishes the essay on our best.

Yeah, I've heard a couple of IELTS teachers suggesting this method. Well, I think this is a good idea, and it also helps to make arguments in an essay flow logically. By the way, Could you let us know the name of the teacher or his website?

 

[AB17]

Hannan tweaked your essay and made few changes...

Sportsmen earn a huge amount of money for playing and representing their nations across the globe. Some people argue, are these high earnings justified, when people from other professions such as doctors and nurses who play a significant role in society health and well-being earn only a fraction of sportsmen paycheck? Bearing in mind these sports people have a huge responsibility to represent their countries on a global platform, I would suggest that the pay is justified.

On the one hand, it can be argued that the earnings of sportsmen may be unfair to people in other professions, keeping in mind that money is one of the most important reasons to stay motivated at the job. Some argue that this inequality in salaries is leading to people in other professions demotivated. For example, doctors looking up to the sportsmen’s huge salaries may feel demotivated about not earning anywhere near that amount and for that reason might resort to earn through other means or even migrate impacting nation healthcare.

On the other hand, I think that the biggest reason for their huge salaries is that they are representing an entire nation on an international level. Unlike other professions, players are directly associated with the country’s name. This extra responsibility of carrying the country’s name calls for the surplus payout. In addition, unlike other professionals, sportsmen have to travel a lot. The extensive travelling may exhaust them continuously so they have to push themselves to fulfill their responsibilities. Therefore, the physical exertion in travelling also justifies huge payments made to them.

In conclusion, although huge payout of sportsmen may demotivate other professionals. However, in my opinion, the onus of representing the entire nation in sports internationally and the extensive travelling which comes with it justifies every penny of their salary.

 

[velocityblood]

It is important for the human being to remain productive by engaging oneself in value-added activities. You're not paraphrasing here. There is no need to be innovative for paraphrasing. They are not talking about humans in general but children / students
Although believed by many that parents must take the responsibility to schedule the free time and of their children by enrolling them in organized group activities, some are of the view that children must plan for self-involvement during the leisure time.
This essay will discuss both these views before declaring an opinion. I have lost number of times I have advised not to use this line. Point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485


On the one hand, parents are supposed to lead for planning extracurricular activities of their children, in order to the intellectual development of the children.
Children having lesser knowledge about the available options is the main catalyst behind this phenomenon. For example, my neighbor chose to send their son to a daily french speaking session organized in the nearby park against his will to play the Cricket, as learning French may prove beneficial for his career progression. Although parents take wiser decisions as per their knowledge; however, whether, the child consuming the decision against his will is still questionable. I think you are way off topic here. The topic wants to discuss whether children should attend group classes or should spend time on their own. You have turned the topic to whether parents are good enough to decide which classes their kids go to. Similar, but not really the topic that has been asked (at least that's how I see it)

On the other hand, children planning at their own, according to there are of interest is also widely supported. Repeating stuff from introduction. Plus very weirdly phrased.
This is mainly because if the children think on their own about their social and personal development they can make wiser decisions. For example, Sachin Tendulkar opted to play cricket against his guardians’ decision and developed this leisure activity as a full-time career to become the best batsman in the world. It shows that if children take decisions at their own with little wisdom they tend to choose better options to become more successful.

To summarize both the flanks of this argument have their own benefits. However, in my opinion, taking the decisions oneself according to ones filed of interest gives a better career prospectus and it must be promoted among children and parents. Poor conclusion.

I won't get into the grammar mistakes but I think the task response is lacking in this essay. And, I know task response is kind of subjective and you don't have to agree with me on that point.

Let's forget task response for a moment. There are far too many grammar mistakes in this essay. The introduction is weak and the conclusion is weak which basically means 7 may be elusive for this effort.

Hi @cansha thanks for evaluation. Yes, I think you are right, I wrote off-topic, but seriously I could not realize it until you explained how it is off topic. All the spelling mistakes that I have made here are because I have typed the whole essay just for posting here, originally I wrote it on paper. It is not "there are of interest" what I wrote on the paper is "their area of interest". Infect, none of the spellings are wrong in my essay which I wrote on paper.

Query......

1). How do I mention in the intro, what I am going to do in the essay further? Are you saying that the whole phrase should not be written or only the words "this essay"? (I referred to Ryan Higgins Writing Task 2, which he claims is approved by IELTS examiners, it have this phrase almost in every essay, in fact, same is the case with Chri Pell (IELST Advantage guy), from where I learned all the essays.

 

[AB17]

^ A very simple rule, don't write a sentence which you can copy paste in any other essay.
Any memorized sentence even with a rarest vocabulary will give out negative marking.

In your essay u used:
"This essay will discuss both these views before declaring an opinion.
To summarize, both the flanks of this argument have their own benefits."

Liz suggests these sentences will not be counted in your total word count. So you lost 20+ words there.

 

[velocityblood]

^ A very simple rule, don't write a sentence which you can copy paste in any other essay.
Any memorized sentence even with a rarest vocabulary will give out negative marking.

How sure are you that the ideas which you are stating cannot fit other essays? Examiners seeing so many essays they get same repeated ideas in response to the answer of many essays.

In your essay u used:
"This essay will discuss both these views before declaring an opinion.
To summarize, both the flanks of this argument have their own benefits."

Ok, but please tell how to write.

Liz suggests these sentences will not be counted in your total word count. So you lost 20+ words there.

What about other IELTS instructors, who are using these phrases in their essays?

 

[AB17]

How sure are you that the ideas which you are stating cannot fit other essays? Examiners seeing so many essays they get same repeated ideas in response to the answer of many essays.



Ok, but please tell how to write.


What about other IELTS instructors, who are using these phrases in their essays?

There is a difference between Idea and Sentence. Sentences like "This essay will discuss both sides and give opinion" are redundant and waste of words. You get only 250+ words, so use effectively.

Forget what instructors say.. think yourself is it logical to use memorized phrases in a test which wants to evaluate your ability to develop sentences in english.

In your case you already had mentioned both sides in second sentence. So your third and final sentence in intro should have been " In my opinion... XYZ."

 

[velocityblood]

There is a difference between Idea and Sentence. Sentences like "This essay will discuss both sides and give opinion" are redundant and waste of words. You get only 250+ words, so use effectively.

Forget what instructors say.. think yourself is it logical to use memorized phrases in a test which wants to evaluate your ability to develop sentences in english.

In your case you already had mentioned both sides in second sentence. So your third and final sentence in intro should have been " In my opinion... XYZ."

That is what I am trying to tell, I have no intention to give the opinion in the Intro. I want to give the opinion only after analyzing both the views. The same thing I am trying to outline because it is considered important to tell the examiner what he should expect in the coming paragraphs/phrases.

 

[velocityblood]

Hi, guys have a look at this essay.

Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic. What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?

Nowadays, a growing number of people are opting to tour to places of difficult statures, such as the deserts of Sahara and the Antarctic. Apart from the adventure, the main advantage of such a development is learning the skills of survival while the disadvantage is, the threat to life.

Many times humans are faced with difficult situations in life such as natural calamities, where survival becomes extremely impossible, however having developed the skills to deal with these situations proves as an aid. For example, during the floods of Gujarat in 2006, I was able to survive and keep calm even in the nonavailability of drinking water for long 36 hours. This is mainly because of the skills that I learned during my trip to the Sahara desert, taught by the locals dealing with the water scarcity since ages.

Visiting to these rare places may put the visitor's life at stake, as visitors with little knowledge of the visiting sites try to explore every possible thing. However, they may get lost or reach to unsafe places due to no or limited knowledge of the place. One such example of this is when in the Month of Feb this year, a tourist reached in the territory of the local tribes unknowingly, subsequently, he was killed by the tribals as they believed the visitor has come to harm them.

To conclude, people opting to visit such places must gain a full understanding of the sites as well as the dangers involved. So that the adventure, learnings, and memories remain for the life time and do not turn out to be a decision of regret.

 

[basharat01]

Hi. Can someone evaluate this piece?

For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and maths. With the advent of computers, some people think that computer skill be made as fourth skill to be added to the list.

To what extent do you agree.

For hundreds of years, reading, writing and math have been considered to be the necessary components of education. With the invention of computers, it is thought that computer skill should become the fourth component. In my opinion, I totally agree that computer skill must be given recognition due to its use in everyday life.

Computers have taken over almost all of the manual work. These machines can now be seen in various shapes and sizes in every household as well as business setting because these have reduced our workload by more than half in terms of efficiency and accuracy. In other words, using computers to perform our daily tasks is as much a routine as is reading or writing. For example, businesses not only use computers for such simple tasks as letter/report writing but also for forecasting the revenues.

As a consequence, it is imperative that computer skill be taught to every individual unconditionally. People in many under-developed countries do not have access to the computer, so they are not able to keep pace with the rest of the countries that fully utilize the machine. Furthermore, Since the workforce lacks a vital skill in its education, it fails to attract a lot employment opportunities in which it is compulsory to use computer. People who realize this situation tend to acquire the skill from various other sources in order to find livelihood.

In conclusion, knowing how to use computer has become essential to lead a comfortable, successful life. I strongly agree that it must be taught at every level along with reading, writing and math.

 

[basharat01]

Hi, guys have a look at this essay.

Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic. What are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?

Nowadays, a growing number of people are opting to tour to places of difficult statures, such as the deserts of Sahara and the Antarctic. Apart from the adventure, the main advantage (you were supposed to discuss more than one advantage and disadvantage) of such a development is learning the skills of survival (comma required) while the disadvantage is, (comma not required) the threat to life.

Many times humans are faced with difficult situations in life such as natural calamities, where survival becomes extremely impossible, (semi-colon required) however (comma required) having developed the skills to deal with these situations proves as an aid. (idea that how people develop survival skills was not introduced as the central point of the para until the last sentence, which makes it undeveloped) For example, during the floods of Gujarat in 2006, I was able to survive and keep calm even in the nonavailability of drinking water for long 36 hours. This is mainly because of the skills that I learned during my trip to the Sahara desert, taught by the locals dealing with the water scarcity since ages.

(linker needed) Visiting to these rare places may put the visitor's life at stake, as visitors with little knowledge of the visiting sites try to explore every possible thing. However, they may get lost or reach to unsafe places due to no or limited knowledge of the place. One such example of this is when in the Month of Feb this year, a tourist reached in the territory of the local tribes unknowingly, subsequently, he was killed by the tribals as they believed the visitor has come to harm them.

To conclude, people opting to visit such places must gain a full understanding of the sites as well as the dangers involved. So that the adventure, learnings, and memories remain for the life time and do not turn out to be a decision of regret.

As I pointed out earlier, you may lose points in grammar and punctuation in general. Specifically in this essay, you only discussed one adv. and disadv. although prompt used plural of both the words. In adv. para, your central idea was the learning of survival skills which you mention in the last line of the para. Task response was compromised.

 

[velocityblood]

As I pointed out earlier, you may lose points in grammar and punctuation in general.

I agree.

Specifically in this essay, you only discussed one adv. and disadv. although prompt used plural of both the words.

Never seen anyone asking to write more than one advantage and disadvantage. You will also expect to elaborate on the ideas, fully developed ones, supported by an example. This will take at least 350 words or more, and I don't want to do this.

In adv. para, your central idea was the learning of survival skills which you mention in the last line of the para. Task response was compromised.

I Agree, this could have been better,

Thanks for evaluation @basharat01.
Personal opinion: This thread is a good source to learn, but I believe, we should not rely on the essay evaluation on such forums, though it is good to develop the writing skills by learning from the mistakes of others. But, when your essays are evaluated by multiple evaluators you are left confused which section to focus most. I don't mean to criticize anyone as I have learned a lot here, especially from @H0peAndFa1th and @cansha, but their availability is also limited. I am looking to take writing correction service, one thing for sure is I will always keep "The List" in mind, while writing.

 

[Ashinder]

Please evaluate the below essay @Dots , @pranav_singla055

ESSAY
Q.Despite improvement in vehicle technology, there are still large number of road accidents.Explain some of the causes of these accidents and suggest some measures that could be taken to address this problem.

With the advent of technology in every walk of our life, vehicles are no more exception.Nowadays we see a dramatic change in the automobile industry with the introduction of new technology.It helps in providing better safety features and luxury to drivers as well as to the passengers.However it has also been proved as bean for the people due to proliferating number of accidents.

First and foremost reason of increasing misshappening on highways is due to acceleration.Improved technology and refinement in thhe vehicle engines gives freedom to the drivers to drive cars at fast pace which results in collisions or accidents.As it is well said "Speed thrills but it kills" holds true as on daily basis there are plethora of causalities happens because of high velocity of the vehicles. Secondly , the miserable condition of roads is also responsible for the accidents.The roads are not capable to cater the vehicles which results in incessant increase in road mishaps.Last but not the least and perhaps the most common cause is the negligence of traffic rules.

In contrast, there are various ways through which this deplorable situation can be brought under control.The government should step forward and create awareness among the citizens to follow rules and should make stringent rules for getting a new driving license.In addition to this, the automobile industry should put caping on the vehicles speed so that people do not drive cars beyond a certain speed limit.Furthermore , the authorities should install speed cameras on roads to keep an eye on rash drivers.Moreover the government should spent money on revamping the deteriorating roads and build more flyovers to accommodate increasing automobiles.

In a nutshell, the above measures can help us in decreasing the rate of accidents however we cannot stop them completely.Additionally it becomes the responsibility of every individual to obey and respect the traffic rules while driving two or four wheelers.If we want to make this world a better place to live, in that case we must change ourselves first.


Thanks in advance...........

 

[Gagan4790]

Hi. Can someone evaluate this piece?

For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and maths. With the advent of computers, some people think that computer skill be made as fourth skill to be added to the list.

To what extent do you agree.

For hundreds of years, reading, writing and math have been considered to be the necessary components of education. With the invention of computers, it is thought that computer skill should become the fourth component. In my opinion, I totally agree that computer skill must be given recognition due to its use in everyday life.

Computers have taken over almost all of the manual work. These machines can now be seen in various shapes and sizes in every household as well as business setting because these have reduced our workload by more than half in terms of efficiency and accuracy. In other words, using computers to perform our daily tasks is as much a routine as is reading or writing. For example, businesses not only use computers for such simple tasks as letter/report writing but also for forecasting the revenues.

As a consequence, it is imperative that computer skill be taught to every individual unconditionally. People in many under-developed countries do not have access to the computer, so they are not able to keep pace with the rest of the countries that fully utilize the machine. Furthermore, Since the workforce lacks a vital skill in its education, it fails to attract a lot employment opportunities in which it is compulsory to use computer. People who realize this situation tend to acquire the skill from various other sources in order to find livelihood.

In conclusion, knowing how to use computer has become essential to lead a comfortable, successful life. I strongly agree that it must be taught at every level along with reading, writing and math.

I have checked your essay and posted it on my facebook page dedicated to IELTS. The first thing to be improved here is task response, because if an essay is lacking in task response, other criteria generally get lower band share.
You may see your essay on
https://www.facebook.com/IELTSwithGagan/

All the best!!

 

[Gagan4790]

That is what I am trying to tell, I have no intention to give the opinion in the Intro. I want to give the opinion only after analyzing both the views. The same thing I am trying to outline because it is considered important to tell the examiner what he should expect in the coming paragraphs/phrases.

Opinion has to be given in introduction (i.e. thesis statement). Introduction is incomplete without it