IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[Jimmy_McGill]

Kindle check my essay and give your suggestions. I know it is bit long but I'll try my best to shorten it next time. Thanks in advance
I chose same topic as @Jimmy_McGill ... Thank you for great topic

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is argued by some people that development of more sports facilities is the key to ameliorate public health; others, on the contrary, believe that it is not a viable solution and other steps should be needed. In my opinion, latter standpoint is more reasonable and imposing high taxes on junk food could be a workable alternative to this.

To begin with, one section of society claims that the more the sports facilities will available, the more the healthy citizens will be. To put it in perspective, majority of population either have after-work fatigues or have sports centers that are far away from their societies, thereby repealing them to do exercises every day. Now, with greater availability of recreation establishments in every community will not only save the time of people, but also encourage them to do regular workout. In Mumbai, for instance, 56 percent more people are attending sports centers after the increase of sports facilitates in the city.

By contrast, others, including me, contend that sports facilities have little influence on public well-being and other method in terms of levy charges on fast foods could be better substitute. Increasing taxes would raise costs of convenience meals, and conclusively, people would not be able to afford this food because of its unaffordable price. By doing so, junk food will soon become a luxury cuisine and would be consumed occasionally, which would be less harmful to public’s health. After all, majority of health-related issues are not the consequences of lack of facilities, but of unhealthy obsession with these high-calorie diets. Canadians, for example, consume 24 percent less fast-foods as compared to the past and gradually becoming healthy citizens in the world.

To sum up, despite the fact that people would be boosted to do regular exercises with the more availability of sports center, such other ways as huge charge on junk food could be a preferable replacement.

Word Count : 317

(I tried to use some new structures as suggested by @cansha ) please help me to improve my mistakes.

What structures are you referring to? Please, indicate the thread page to review it.. Thanks.. I'm so nervous. Yesterday, I attempted to write a topic but my mind went blank, nothing came out.. honestly, I am fear of this happens on the real test. In the meantime, I'm reading sample essays to gather ideas and maybe a different approach to start writing. Also, I wanted to use "hope" strategic to planning the essay...OMG I ended up thinking to kill myself.. (metaphorically speaking)..

 

[Babukumar]

I was writing a different post when I wrote the above. So both got mixed.

My question was to anyone who has taken professional essay reviewer help.

I just wanted to know do they comment on logic of an argument or just focus on the English?
How brutal is their feedback?

Hi I took one from Shelly Cornick , ex Ielts examiner. She is the one who has myieltsclassroom.com blog and website. She did 5 essay corrections. In all 4 marking criteria she gave feed back. 1st with body graphs , logic, arguments , structure and everything. Then she corrected intro n conclusion. That was given utmost importance. For me my problem was with my strong arguments for the topic and side i agree/disagree. Grammar also okay. So whatever is needed for an essay she did her best.

 

[cansha]

Intro is mainly paraphrasing,

Introducing topic to the reader without using exact words from the prompt

watch it for clarification,

Introduction in IELTS has a specific format and they expect you to paraphrase the topic in the intro para. I would personally never write this way if I were to write an essay. BUT IELTS is an exam and a rather non-transparent one at that. So it is better to give the examiner whatever they are looking for.

Once you have done the paraphrasing, my suggestion would be to use introduction to clearly state your opinion or agree / disagree if the essay topics demands it.

As I stated in one post above, many a times I see essay introductions which do not address it. Make sure there is no ambiguity as far as task response is concerned.

 

[cansha]

Hi I took one from Shelly Cornick , ex Ielts examiner. She is the one who has myieltsclassroom.com blog and website. She did 5 essay corrections. In all 4 marking criteria she gave feed back. 1st with body graphs , logic, arguments , structure and everything. Then she corrected intro n conclusion. That was given utmost importance. For me my problem was with my strong arguments for the topic and side i agree/disagree. Grammar also okay. So whatever is needed for an essay she did her best.

Yes I think introduction and conclusion are the most important and I see people losing interest by the time they have reached the conclusion para. In most of reviews here I have suggested to focus on conclusion para.

 

[cansha]

Watch it people

Just started watching this and at around 29:30 I saw "First and foremost". I apologise to all who used it and I said it was unnecessary. Didn't know people were suggesting this.

To be honest, I still think it is really awkward to see "first and foremost" in a formal essay but hey I'm not the examiner. If they think this is good please go ahead and use it.

 

[Babukumar]

Yes I think introduction and conclusion are the most important and I see people losing interest by the time they have reached the conclusion para. In most of reviews here I have suggested to focus on conclusion para.

True!!! Her method and Bayden Dingle from Passyourielts page from Facebook suggested same method for intro and conclusion. Much helpful for my last essay. That essay slightly i modified which is contradictory to other examiners suggestion. I wrote only one sided essay where only one sentence in BP2 i wrote as last statement why the other side I disagree. Rest all why the side I chose is best

 

[cansha]

Hello....fellow suffers.. Again I'm here bothering you and begging for your useful comments and suggestions.. thanks!!!


Prompt:

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Essay:

Public health is a social issue. It is argued by some that the most suitable strategic to enhance public health is having more sports centers available, while others counter this argument by stating that it is highly ineffective and others solutions are needed. I personally believe that both approaches are valid and need to be combined to improve people's health in the long term.

The use of last line is wrong here. In the topic only one approach is specified. Hence, the use of both approaches is incorrect. If the topic was some people say public health can be improved by sports facilities but others say we need more hospitals or something then yes it makes sense. The topic just says some people say make sports facilities and others say do something else. "Do something else" is not another approach.

Also, I think it is time for you to upgrade to next level which means read more band 9 essays and try to write better introductions.

Regular exercise, as proven by World Health Organization (WHO), is one of the most effective method to have live a healthy and long life. Having a great number of sports facilities with a wide variety of activities (golf, tennis, swimming, crossfit, dance, etc.), in the community, would definitely motivate and encourage people to practice sports and do exercise regularly, with the corresponding improvement in their overall health: less stress and better mood.

Likewise, introducing a ban on smoking and promoting a balanced diet among citizens are both wisely wise ways to tackle positively the challenge to keep people healthy. It is well known that tobacco cause causes numerous diseases, for instance lung cancer. Thus, if people are not allowed to smoke, there would be an undeniable advance in public health. In the same way, if people follow a healthy diet by eating more veggies (its a slang) vegetables, fruits, (no comma needed before and) and less processed foods, many chronic illness such as obesity, blood pressure and diabetes would be reduced drastically.

To summarize, although it is certainly true that people would feel a irresistible impetus to work out if there were a large number of sports facilities at hand, it is also true that if they are forced to quit smoking and convinced to eat more natural foods, unfailingly their health would be much closer to be perfect.

(280 words)

Too complicated sentence and it is losing out on the message. It is difficult to discern the message here.

I understand what you were trying to do but I think the task response in this essay is lacking a bit. Also, the conclusion is just too difficult to understand in one read. You have written much better essays before this one.

 

[cansha]

Kindle check my essay and give your suggestions. I know it is bit long but I'll try my best to shorten it next time. Thanks in advance
I chose same topic as @Jimmy_McGill ... Thank you for great topic

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is argued by some people that development of more sports facilities is the key to ameliorate good public health; others, on the contrary, believe that it is not a viable solution and other steps should be are needed. In my opinion, latter standpoint is more reasonable and imposing high taxes on junk food could be a workable alternative to this.

Good Intro. Defining the "alternative" approach in the intro is very good as the essay topic is ambiguous on that.

To begin with, Hope's video in action one section of society claims that the more the sports facilities will available, the more the healthy citizens will be. This sentence needs to be worded better.

To put it in perspective, majority of population either have after-work fatigues or have sports centers that are far away from their societies, thereby repealing (I'm happy you're trying new things but this is a wrong word choice) them to do exercises every day. I understand the purpose of the sentence but sorry it is not well written.

Now, with greater availability of recreational establishments (good substitution) in every community will not only save the time of people, no comma needed here but also encourage them to do regular workout. In Mumbai, for instance, 56 percent more people are attending sports centers after the increase of sports facilitates in the city.

The thought process and idea is clear to me. But the first two sentences are bad. BUT there is a larger issue is at stake here. It somehow feels you are in favor of sports centers. See if your argument is that they will have little impact then make an argument that even if there are more sports centers it will have less impact because of XYZ reasons
Let's say because of cost .. people won't afford them or just having sports centers doesn't mean people will go and exercise. But your argument is completely in favor that if you have more centers more people will go and exercise.

Don't be subtle in your task response. Make your task response as black and white as possible.

By contrast, others, including me, contend that sports facilities have little influence on public well-being and other method in terms of levy levying charges on fast foods could be a better substitute. Increasing taxes would raise costs of convenience meals, and conclusively wrong word may be you were looking for consequently , people would not be able to afford this food because of its unaffordable price. By doing so, junk food will soon become a luxury cuisine and would be consumed occasionally, which would be less harmful to public’s health.
After all, majority of health-related issues are not the consequences of lack of facilities, but of unhealthy obsession with these high-calorie diets. Canadians, for example, consume 24 percent less fast-foods as compared to the past and gradually becoming healthy citizens in of the world.

Your idea is clear. There are some grammar related issues in the para.

To sum up, despite the fact that people would be boosted to do regular exercises with the more availability of sports center, such other ways as huge charge on junk food could be a preferable replacement.

Word Count : 317

(I tried to use some new structures as suggested by @cansha ) please help me to improve my mistakes.

See that's where the conclusion and the task response fail in my opinion. I don't think you have given enough support to the argument that levying more taxes is better than sports facilities. You can disagree!

However, if I have to suggest how to make it better. There are two ways

One ... you just argue adding more spots facilities would not help anyone. And then make argument for levying taxes

Second.. You say oh may be adding spots facility will help BUT only a fraction of people who can afford it. But levying taxes will have much larger impact as it will cover more population. Something like that.

Right now it is difficult to see why you are saying taxes on fast food is better than sports facilities.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

Good Intro. Defining the "alternative" approach in the intro is very good as the essay topic is ambiguous on that.


The thought process and idea is clear to me. But the first two sentences are bad. BUT there is a larger issue is at stake here. It somehow feels you are in favor of sports centers. See if your argument is that they will have little impact then make an argument that even if there are more sports centers it will have less impact because of XYZ reasons
Let's say because of cost .. people won't afford them or just having sports centers doesn't mean people will go and exercise. But your argument is completely in favor that if you have more centers more people will go and exercise.

Don't be subtle in your task response. Make your task response as black and white as possible.



Your idea is clear. There are some grammar related issues in the para.



See that's where the conclusion and the task response fail in my opinion. I don't think you have given enough support to the argument that levying more taxes is better than sports facilities. You can disagree!

However, if I have to suggest how to make it better. There are two ways

One ... you just argue adding more spots facilities would not help anyone. And then make argument for levying taxes

Second.. You say oh may be adding spots facility will help BUT only a fraction of people who can afford it. But levying taxes will have much larger impact as it will cover more population. Something like that.

Right now it is difficult to see why you are saying taxes on fast food is better than sports facilities.

First of all thank you for such a detailed evaluation..

With regards to the mistakes you mentioned, I'll consider them in my next essays..

And regarding my ideas, you mean to say even I agree with one opinion, I should mention why I don't agree or why this idea is not practical by mentioning this in opposite paragraph..right?

 

[cansha]

First of all thank you for such a detailed evaluation..

With regards to the mistakes you mentioned, I'll consider them in my next essays..

And regarding my ideas, you mean to say even I agree with one opinion, I should mention why I don't agree or why this idea is not practical by mentioning this in opposite paragraph..right?

I actually got confused reading your question but I get the gist of it.

So, basically essay is Sports centers are good for public health as per some people. Others say they are not useful and we should take other measures.

Now you say yes you agree with others. Sports centers are not very useful but other measures are better like taxes on fast food

So one para to explain why you think sports center are not useful. Where they fail? What are the shortcomings / drawbacks.

Second para to explain your idea. Why you think it is better compared to sports facilities.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

I was writing a different post when I wrote the above. So both got mixed.

My question was to anyone who has taken professional essay reviewer help.

I just wanted to know do they comment on logic of an argument or just focus on the English?
How brutal is their feedback?

I saw some samples, you won't get the clear picture until you get at-least 20 essays checked, most of the writers make the same mistakes.

brutal, nope they please.

What structures are you referring to? Please, indicate the thread page to review it.. Thanks.. I'm so nervous. Yesterday, I attempted to write a topic but my mind went blank, nothing came out.. honestly, I am fear of this happens on the real test. In the meantime, I'm reading sample essays to gather ideas and maybe a different approach to start writing. Also, I wanted to use "hope" strategic to planning the essay...OMG I ended up thinking to kill myself.. (metaphorically speaking)..

zoning out = mind went blank, happened to me in almost every test, in reading, in listening, in speaking, in writing. this thing alone costed me more than anything else, this lowered my speaking score to pathetic 6 bands, I got 8 maximum, few times 7.5 and 7.

Structures are overrated in IELTS, I believe.


keep it simple.
Intro : re-introduce the topic, using synonyms, like the examiner does not know about the topic.
body paragraphs = statement -> reason/explanation -> example -> explanation -> conclusion
conclusion = summary both body paragraphs

Just started watching this and at around 29:30 I saw "First and foremost". I apologize to all who used it and I said it was unnecessary. Didn't know people were suggesting this.

To be honest, I still think it is really awkward to see "first and foremost" in a formal essay but hey I'm not the examiner. If they think this is good please go ahead and use it.

Yes it is still awkward and not so formal, instead sound stupid, but alteast he felt the same, as I do, about simon's essays.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

I actually got confused reading your question but I get the gist of it.

So, basically essay is Sports centers are good for public health as per some people. Others say they are not useful and we should take other measures.

Now you say yes you agree with others. Sports centers are not very useful but other measures are better like taxes on fast food

So one para to explain why you think sports center are not useful. Where they fail? What are the shortcomings / drawbacks.

Second para to explain your idea. Why you think it is better compared to sports facilities.

Ahaaa. Ok I got your point.. So according to you what should be the band score for this essay ?

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

in last few days I was trying to re-learn everything.

so I feel that, nobody is saying this out loud but you need to write
280 words for 7 band,
280-300 for 8 band
300-325 for 9 band

why ?

because you simply cannot demonstrate the skills they have asked about.

Traits of Band 9

Task Achievement
Fully addresses all parts of the task presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas


Coherence and Cohesion
uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention skilfully manages paragraphing


Lexical Resource
uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’


Grammatical Range and Accuracy
uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

How to Improve
When writing your Task 2, think about all aspects of the topic and try to include all angles on it, supported by as many relevant ideas and examples as you can think of.
>> is it really possible ? in 40 minutes, in around 250 words ?

Be careful to paragraph perfectly, including only one main idea in each paragraph.
>> this could be done, but not the first one.

Within your paragraphs, the sentences should be in a logical order and well-linked to each other.
>> this is also possible



Traits of Band 8
Task Achievement
sufficiently addresses all parts of the task presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas

Coherence and Cohesion
sequences information and ideas logically manages all aspects of cohesion well uses paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately

Lexical Resource
uses a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to convey precise meanings skilfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word
choice and collocation produces rare errors in spelling and/or word formation

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
uses a wide range of structures the majority of sentences are error-free makes only very occasional errors or inappropriacies


Test takers at Band 8.0 can typically write a well-developed response to all parts of the question.
The key features or bullet points are clearly described and illustrated.
Their ideas are relevant, extended and supported.
They can sequence their ideas logically, and link them all together well.
In Task 2, their paragraphs are adequate and appropriate.
They can use a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to communicate precise meanings.
They can skillfully use uncommon words, with only rare mistakes in spelling or word form.
They are able to use a wide range of sentence types, and most of these have no mistakes in them.
Errors are only very occasional.


How to Improve
Practice producing different types of writing.
When writing informational and argumentative pieces, take care to develop your points thoroughly, providing as many relevant supporting ideas and details as necessary.
Don't develop your points separately. Instead, ask yourself: how might I develop my idea so that it logically leads me to my next idea? Then,
also ask yourself: does my use of paragraphing help to highlight the flow of my ideas? Have I also used other means besides paragraphing
to do this? Use a good variety of structures, choosing appropriate ones to help the overall effect of your writing.
Also try to use a wide range of vocabulary when you write, always using the best possible word.
For words and phrases that are newer to you, look them up online to see how other writers use them and what other words they often appear together with.
Finally, check your writing, paying special attention to those words and grammar structures you're not as confident about.



Traits of Band 7
Task Achievement
addresses all parts of the task presents a clear position throughout the response presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus


Coherence and Cohesion
logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use presents a clear central topic within each paragraph

Lexical Resource
uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
uses a variety of complex structures produces frequent error-free sentences
has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors

Writing (7.0)
Your scores explained:
Test takers at this band can typically produce a clear overview of the graph or a clear viewpoint throughout the response.
All parts of the task are covered.
The letter has a clear purpose and a consistent, suitable tone.
Test takers can support their main ideas with details and examples, although these might be too general and lack focus.
The writing is well-organized and leads logically to its conclusion.
They can use a variety of linking words, with some over- or under-used.
In Task 2 every paragraph has one main topic.
They can flexibly use a range of vocabulary and some less common words with some style, despite occasionally choosing the wrong word or
making mistakes in spelling or in the form of a word.
They are able to use a variety of complex sentences, and many of their sentences are correct.
However they still make a few mistakes with grammar and punctuation.

How to improve: For 7 and above
Practice writing to give information and make arguments.
Make sure you cover all the points that need to be covered, providing supporting ideas and details.
Reread your work and see if you can make your points clearer.
Is the ordering of your ideas logical? Sometimes, rearranging them can make things clearer.
You can also try joining up or separating sentences, using the right connecting devices, and changing where you divide your paragraphs.
Continue to develop your vocabulary.
Words can be similar in meaning but differ in formality, in their tone, and in their implications.
Focus on learning the best words to use for the writing task, the situation, and what you want to say.
Challenge yourself by producing sentences that are more complex.
If you make mistakes with them, don't worry too much; just check and see how you can fix them.

after reading essays here, I feel we all do fine in 3 areas

Coherence and Cohesion
Lexical Resource
Grammatical Range and Accuracy

I mean who has ever got 6.5, is doing fine in these.

But, I rarely see an essay with proper "Task Achievement", mostly we don't stay on topic or we fill essays with low or no value sentences.

Traits of Band 9 : Task Achievement
Fully addresses all parts of the task presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas

Traits of Band 8 : Task Achievement
sufficiently addresses all parts of the task presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas

Traits of Band 7 : Task Achievement
addresses all parts of the task presents a clear position throughout the response presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

now there's Fully, Sufficient, let's say okay - overgeneralize -and lack focus -vague-not-so-related ideas

https://www.google.com/search?q=High_scoring_IELTS_Writing+pdf

after reading this book, it seems one can not develop a full response under 280-300 words.

I know I have been strongly preaching for 260 words, but now I feel I am wrong at this. However, my friend got 7 with 255 words.

because essays are subjective, to make the reader/examiner fully satisfied, you need to write, explain, reason more.

 

[cansha]

Ahaaa. Ok I got your point.. So according to you what should be the band score for this essay ?

I avoid giving band scores since I'm not an examiner and don't have any experience. Also, I don't think getting 6.5 is actually very difficult for you. BUT for 7 or 7+ I think task response needs to be much clearer.
I'm always worried while giving feedback because too much feedback may dishearten or demotivate a person and also if I don't give my honest opinion it may be a rude shock on actual exam. So please do not take any feedback in a wrong way. I only want you to be careful.

 

[Ranbir_Dhillon]

What structures are you referring to? Please, indicate the thread page to review it.. Thanks.. I'm so nervous. Yesterday, I attempted to write a topic but my mind went blank, nothing came out.. honestly, I am fear of this happens on the real test. In the meantime, I'm reading sample essays to gather ideas and maybe a different approach to start writing. Also, I wanted to use "hope" strategic to planning the essay...OMG I ended up thinking to kill myself.. (metaphorically speaking)..

She just told to try new structures instead of trying same thing again and again in order to upgrade your level in essay writing.. she didn't mention any of them. Right @cansha ??