Read through your draft and your manager friend's suggestion.ssparkles said:*confused* Now I have 2 letters ......
I agree with your friend that shorter is better.
However, I also agree with you that polite is important and concur with your concerns with your friend's draft. There is a risk that if you annoy the manager she could takes a long time to respond or simply ignores your e-mail.
You need to decide how strong you want to come across based on your personal preference/personality and the approach you think would work with the manager. That being said, it's not an either/or decision between the two drafts you have. There's a gray area. For example, you could do this in two steps: first focus on getting her to understand the situation and review the Agency's letter. After that (and once you have her agreement or understand her concerns), you can discuss exactly what she'll provide you with. The first step would look something like:
Dear <<Manager>>,
I hope you are doing well.
As you know from our conversations early last year, I am applying for Permanent Residency in Canada. I really appreciate your time last year investigating BMO's policies and understood when you advised me you were unable to help me with the letter confirming my work experience at BMO given bank policy. As a result, I instead submitted a letter provided by <Agency> hoping that it would meet CIC's requirements since I was at BMO under their contract.
Unfortunately, yesterday, CIC advised me that:
"You submitted a confirmation of employment issued by xyz employment agency describing your duties and conditions of employment with the bank as an Accounting Technician. I have concerns regarding your duties and responsibilities as an Accounting Technician because this information is not supported by evidence from the Bank of Montreal, for which you performed these duties. Therefore I am asking you to submit any additional information and/or documentation that would allay my concern(s)."
I am writing to ask for your help in your capacity as <xxx Manager> since you have first-hand experience of my role and could provide the confirmation CIC is seeking of the duties I performed while I worked at your branch at BMO, under contract from <Agency>. Would it be possible for you to review the letter provided by <Agency> (copy attached), and confirm whether it accurately reflects my time at BMO while under assignment from <Agency>?
I look forward to hearing back from you.
Kind regards,
ssparkles
~~~~~
Once she replies to this e-mail (1) you'll have an e-mail you can forward to CIC with her reply based on info CIC already has and (2) can ask for more formal confirmation (e.g., a letter).