supervisa for toxic inlaws - PLEASE HELP

[taherkhan]

No, you can't leave the house because it would be a desertion, you must continue there until giving him the divorce petition. Look at this: https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada/family-sponsorship/abuse.html they have phone numbers there to help you. You must search a local lawyer to assist you better.

And for the house it depends if you bought it before or after the marriage, and it's material, your happiness is more important and doesn't have a value. If your husband is being abusive with you the law also protects you.

Remember that all your frustration is transmitted to the kids and they repeat the patterns: girls will grow up accostumed to abuse and they'll be submissives with their future partners and boys will grow up being bads to women. Give them the example, divorce and search your happiness. If you are happy your children are happy. Your husband can't take out the children from Canada without your permission.

Sorry for the interjection. Things can be sorted out amicably as well, not sure why she is being encouraged to take the ultimate step of filing for a divorce?
Secondly, the last time I visited, this was an immigration forum. Looks like it's turned into a Family Disputes/Family Law forum.

 

[scylla]

Sorry for the interjection. Things can be sorted out amicably as well, not sure why she is being encouraged to take the ultimate step of filing for a divorce?
Secondly, the last time I visited, this was an immigration forum. Looks like it's turned into a Family Disputes/Family Law forum.

I don't think most of us are recommending divorce but that she speak to a family lawyer so that she understands her rights and options. She should also certainly try to get her husband to attend marital counseling to see if he is willing to change his behaviour.

OP is in an abusive situation. Let's call it what it is. She's being told her children aren't hers (that's a threat), her husband isn't doing anything to defend her, she's clearly close to the end of her rope in emotional stress due to the abuse. She needs to protect herself and know her rights / options.

I appreciate women aren't empowered like this in some other countries. But they are here. And the law is on her side as it relates to the children in the event of a split. She should not continue to stand for the abuse. Given she's the primary income earner, she has options here and should not allow her husband and his parents to ruin her life.

 

[taherkhan]

I don't think most of us are recommending divorce but that she speak to a family lawyer so that she understands her rights and options. She should also certainly try to get her husband to attend marital counseling to see if he is willing to change his behaviour.

OP is in an abusive situation. Let's call it what it is. She's being told her children aren't hers (that's a threat), her husband isn't doing anything to defend her, she's clearly close to the end of her rope in emotional stress due to the abuse. She needs to protect herself and know her rights / options.

I appreciate women aren't empowered like this in some other countries. But they are here. And the law is on her side as it relates to the children in the event of a split. She should not continue to stand for the abuse. Given she's the primary income earner, she has options here and should not allow her husband and his parents to ruin her life.

Agreed that she should be consulting a lawyer and marital counseling is a good start.
And yes, her husband has a duty to defend her as these are their kids and he needs to take a stand. However, best thing imho is to start with a marital counseling. The way the suggestions are made up above encourage families towards taking the ultimate step of a divorce which is a solution but not the only solution. It's always best to resolve these things amicably. Suggesting her to get her hair done/putting make-up etc. doesn't make sense to me. What would that do? Would that change her in-laws or husband or what exactly would it do? Besides, she shouldn't have agreed to signing for the super visa in the first place if she knew about all of these things beforehand. She should withdraw her support for the application as well if she believes it's not right and no one can force her to add her income/other info for the visa app.

 

[taherkhan]

Ask help to the canadian authorities and report abuse. Don't lose your life next to a person who doesn't love you. We are in Century 21! leave him, divorce and find other man. Change your style, change your hair, put makeup, do exercises, make new friends. You are independent. Be brave. Kids will understand, they'll pass time with you and with him. Contract a lawyer to help you with the legal things of kids and house.

Your parents in law are manipulating you, and kids are yours, you are in Canada not in their country. So no matter what they say.

@scylla please see the above

 

[lovely89]

Agreed that she should be consulting a lawyer and marital counseling is a good start.
And yes, her husband has a duty to defend her as these are their kids and he needs to take a stand. However, best thing imho is to start with a marital counseling. The way the suggestions are made up above encourage families towards taking the ultimate step of a divorce which is a solution but not the only solution. It's always best to resolve these things amicably. Suggesting her to get her hair done/putting make-up etc. doesn't make sense to me. What would that do? Would that change her in-laws or husband or what exactly would it do? Besides, she shouldn't have agreed to signing for the super visa in the first place if she knew about all of these things beforehand. She should withdraw her support for the application as well if she believes it's not right and no one can force her to add her income/other info for the visa app.

@taherkhan we are talking about abuse, not about any minor problem. In my country abuse against the woman it's a crime, I don't understand why you want to downplay this matter. I gave her the web page where the canadian government gives support. I don't think this can be solved with marital counseling, and yes with a lawyer (as I also suggested her).. she posted about this subject in october 2019 an she is coming back to ask for help so I gave her my advice and opinion. The canadian official web page clearly says:
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada/family-sponsorship/abuse.html
You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship to keep your status in Canada
The person who’s abusing you might tell you that you’ll be deported or lose your children if you leave. If you’re a permanent resident, you have rights and freedoms in Canada.

 

[taherkhan]

@taherkhan we are talking about abuse, not about any minor problem. In my country abuse against the woman it's a crime, I don't understand why you want to downplay this matter. I gave her the web page where the canadian government gives support. I don't think this can be solved with marital counseling, and yes with a lawyer (as I also suggested her).. she posted about this subject in october 2019 an she is coming back to ask for help so I gave her my advice and opinion. The canadian official web page clearly says:
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/immigrate-canada/family-sponsorship/abuse.html
You don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship to keep your status in Canada
The person who’s abusing you might tell you that you’ll be deported or lose your children if you leave. If you’re a permanent resident, you have rights and freedoms in Canada.

Agreed. She doesn't have to stay in an abusive relationship. But please let her decide herself. Great you suggested her to go see a lawyer and provided tools. But eventually, she has to decide. Unnecessarily encouraging someone doesn't sound right to me when you are not aware of the actual circumstances - You only know one side of the story, remember.
Anyhow, I am leaving it here as it's not an immigration related issue so no point in discussing this. Have a good day!

 

[GandiBaat]

posting again.. dealing with a lot of emotional abuse currently. Husband and I don't talk most days. I am being told by in laws that my kids are not mine. This is my house, I earn more than husband, & spend all of it here covering expenses. he understands, but doesn't speak to parents. what do i do.. what are my options other than leaving him/my home.

There are two separate things :
1. Immigration
2. Domestic abuse

You need to address each of them separately. Does not matter if your "in-laws" are coming to Canada or not, but if anyone is abusive then you cann't and should not have to live with them. Its that simple. Fortunately for you, Canada has powerful legal protection and a lot of social safety nets. I am sure you know a lot more than what anyone of us can say here. But that said, feel free to ask folks for specific advice. You are welcome and you are not alone.

 

[GandiBaat]

Agreed. She doesn't have to stay in an abusive relationship. But please let her decide herself. Great you suggested her to go see a lawyer and provided tools. But eventually, she has to decide. Unnecessarily encouraging someone doesn't sound right to me when you are not aware of the actual circumstances - You only know one side of the story, remember.
Anyhow, I am leaving it here as it's not an immigration related issue so no point in discussing this. Have a good day!

*Ahem*, it is a basic civic duty to help anyone going through abuse. Its that simple. If this is a Canadian forum, it is as Canadian as it gets. Helping a person who is undergoing abuse to seek the right help is ALWAYS relevant in ANY public forum. If you have issue with that then I guess about time you learn what is considered acceptable in Canada and Canadian society in general.

To give you an example, in my workplace a person started crying in the middle of a business meeting because they received a text from their partner threatning them with something. We dropped the meeting and helped them to find a counsellor and advisor. In most of halfway decent employers counselling and advice is available as an expected benefit. I have seen complete strangers helping people under abuse. I have seen neighbours reporting suspected abuse especially when children are possibly affected.

 

[asaeed100]

Unfortunately you may need to take some drastic action and separate from your husband. It is an awful way to do things but will put him in a situation where he has to choose. You have to be prepared for hime to pick his parents and to get divorced if you are willing to do something that drastic. I assume PGP and PR is the ultimate goal so this problem will have more serious implications at that point. You do need to be a bit selfish and value your own happiness and wellbeing in your own home.

didnt know you were Dr Phill too on the side my friend. very sad to have stumbled upon this thread.

 

[asaeed100]

Agreed. She doesn't have to stay in an abusive relationship. But please let her decide herself. Great you suggested her to go see a lawyer and provided tools. But eventually, she has to decide. Unnecessarily encouraging someone doesn't sound right to me when you are not aware of the actual circumstances - You only know one side of the story, remember.
Anyhow, I am leaving it here as it's not an immigration related issue so no point in discussing this. Have a good day!

i agree. some people think western countries have the best legal system and you have rights etc. yes to some degree and No. depends on the situation!
boy i have stories to tell on this one.

But, see what is happening in the country next door.

 

[GandiBaat]

i agree. some people think western countries have the best legal system and you have rights etc. yes to some degree and No. depends on the situation!
boy i have stories to tell on this one.

But, see what is happening in the country next door.

I don't know about "Western countries", but the country I am currently in ie Canada DOES have laws, wide enforcement AND a system to protect vulnerable and abuse prone individuals. If a person feel that they are undergoing abuse and their children are undergoing abuse then there are avenue of help which they can approach. There are social services which can and DO intervene. BTW, for each of your stories, I bet there are TEN stories in Canada which an abuse was prevented and people rescued. On a balance of probablity, I will certainly seek help if I were vulnerable.

Also, this entire clubbing of all countries west of Caspian sea as one monolith is weird to say the least. There is too much of difference.

 

[canuck78]

i agree. some people think western countries have the best legal system and you have rights etc. yes to some degree and No. depends on the situation!
boy i have stories to tell on this one.

But, see what is happening in the country next door.

Perhaps you should read the whole discussion and previous posts before criticizing me. This woman is an abusive relationship with her inlaws and her husband has not been willing to stand up to the abuse. She felt forced to sign supervisa forms. If she is being abused and has come asking for help because she doesn't really have many options. Would you want her to remain in an abusive houshold? If you see my other post I suggest seeing a counsellor with her husband to see if he is willing to support her instead of his parents. She does not want to live with them if she has to tolerate abuse. That is a very reasonable request. Think it is very clear that easy steps to solve this issue have already taken place. This woman has the right to live in her comfortably in her home in Canada.

 

[asaeed100]

Perhaps you should read the whole discussion and previous posts before criticizing me. This woman is an abusive relationship with her inlaws and her husband has not been willing to stand up to the abuse. She felt forced to sign supervisa forms. If she is being abused and has come asking for help because she doesn't really have many options. Would you want her to remain in an abusive houshold? If you see my other post I suggest seeing a counsellor with her husband to see if he is willing to support her instead of his parents. She does not want to live with them if she has to tolerate abuse. That is a very reasonable request. Think it is very clear that easy steps to solve this issue have already taken place. This woman has the right to live in her comfortably in her home in Canada.

i am sorry. not the primary focus of this forum regardless of the situation.

from a few paragraphs and without knowing the other side of the story. you seem to have special gift of understanding the entire situation

perhaps this lady is the root cause of the problem. how can anyone here possibly know.

having said that, your comments on "rights" seem to revolve around your own personal views/topics.
you seem to be fond of cherry picking

A minor PR coming back to Canada, has all the RIGHTs to attend college regardless his parents contributed to the taxes etc

yet for numbers of years you have been misdirecting/discouraging every kid that has come to this forum asking for help.

i will take all your advice with a grain of salt.

i will not contribute further to this thread.

 

[asaeed100]

I don't know about "Western countries", but the country I am currently in ie Canada DOES have laws, wide enforcement AND a system to protect vulnerable and abuse prone individuals. If a person feel that they are undergoing abuse and their children are undergoing abuse then there are avenue of help which they can approach. There are social services which can and DO intervene. BTW, for each of your stories, I bet there are TEN stories in Canada which an abuse was prevented and people rescued. On a balance of probablity, I will certainly seek help if I were vulnerable.

Also, this entire clubbing of all countries west of Caspian sea as one monolith is weird to say the least. There is too much of difference.

yes i bet there are. let us talk to the first nation people....
anyways. dont want this to turn into a Canada Vs third world discussion. Ye,s Canada has laws, better system, people have rights etc. etc and sometimes it dances to the tunes of .....
above all it aint Utopia.
let us leave it at that

 

[GandiBaat]

i am sorry. not the primary focus of this forum regardless of the situation.

Helping a person to get right help in a potential abusive situation is always relevant to all public forum, atleast in Canada.

from a few paragraphs and without knowing the other side of the story. you seem to have special gift of understanding the entire situation

Helping her find the right advice (say from a counsellor or a social worker), options and rights is what folks here are doing.

perhaps this lady is the root cause of the problem. how can anyone here possibly know.

If she is not then she is unguarded to abuse and harm which may possibly affect the children in the house too. In this case, @canuk78 's advice to seek counselling is apt. Also, if that cannot fix the situation then separation is one possible option.

having said that, your comments on "rights" seem to revolve around your own personal views/topics.
you seem to be fond of cherry picking

The rights are very much enshrined in Canadian laws.