Other people have no idea what we go through

[HoneyBird2]

AWWWWWWW. Mandi, I know how you feel. I went through months of how come you are still in Trinidad? Where do you live? Where is your husband...and it was difficult to deal with but harder for my parents (Indians) when they were asked why their daughter was stilling living in their house and not by her husband. The problem was also that many people from here would just go over and stay on a visitor visa, which i choose not too, because i know that by staying home all day i would go up a wall (my hubby has a studio so no much cleaning i could do, and I cant cook not even what he likes anyways as we are from two different cultures. So i would be cooped up in this little studio apartment all day and I am sure my hubby would of resented me after a while cause he had to support both of us. So I waited it out in Trinidad and i got really fed up of the questions and so did he as at the office people were asking him over and over when i was coming up. I myself am not coming up at a good time, next week will still be cold and its gonna be a huge adjustment for me, but hubby has taken a few days from work to get me settle in and then he says 'EXPLORE' he wants me to go and discover! and I am afraid, because i have never experience winter and i come from the countryside of a very small caribbean island, there are no subways and we have only 4 really tall buildings in the city! haha. i am scared to use the subway by myself. Then i have to get a job. my husband knows a vacancy for a receptionist at his work, but i feel so bleh...do you know i have my degree and masters? i feel like i wont get a good job. although he says take it and then go back to school or learn about my new world before taking on a bigger challenge. I am so lost. i feel so sad. yesterday i did not want to go, i kept thiinking i am missing the sun, sea and sand and CARNIVAL.

 

[AlieW]

I saw you post and just wanted to tell you to hang in there. You are almost done.

As for the friends who comment on immigration (without having been through it themselves) - like everyone else says ignore them.

I can completely relate to what you are going through. I'm Canadian and moved to Israel to be with my partner - and I had/have no connection to the country other then him, and didn't speak a word of the language. Needless to say I went through my fair share of days when all I wanted to do was get on the next plane home.

Believe me the adjustment is a slow one, but you'll get through it. Truthfully, sometimes I wish I could go back to those first few months when I wasn't working. In hindsight I would have taken way more advantage of the 'free time'! I mean being a 'housewife' is exhausting, but so is working all week (and it isn't nearly as flexible)!

As other said your best bet is to try and get involved a bit, the hardest thing for me to do was make friends, working helps but you can always join a gym (or a studio, or the running room), take classes (language, photography, anything that interests you), maybe join a book club and you're in Alberta - go skiing for a week! Take advantage of the time to learn something new or try something that you always wanted to do but couldn't find the time for when you were working. I know it sounds much easier then it is - but I promise it will make a huge difference.

Oh and others have mentioned skype - but there is also Jajah - i use it a lot with my friends and family because you don't have to have a smart phone or be near the computer to use it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hang in there - and you'll be working before you know it. And of course - if Immigration doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger!

 

[patiently_waiting]

Baloo I have said it before and I will say it again, you are a legend!! You have no idea how much we all appreciate your posts (secretly sometimes I want to answer some and wait becuase I know you will and it is always much more clever).

MandiF I hope your head doesn't hurt too much this morning when you get up and you have some news on your PP back home xx

 

[kelKel]

No sexist comments here!!


Girl you really need a T shirt:

Immigrant
+
PMS
=
DON'T PUSH ME !​

As my lovely consultant has told me before, immigration + PMS are lethal together an emotional molotov cocktail. Baloo you rock.

 

[patiently_waiting]

OK, is it wrong to be watching Maury Povich right now? Sadly, I think I would rather be going through this than be trying to figure out who my baby dady is...

It really is making me feel better and it is too early for Pinot....

 

[Baloo]

OK, is it wrong to be watching Maury Povich right now? Sadly, I think I would rather be going through this than be trying to figure out who my baby dady is...

It really is making me feel better and it is too early for Pinot....

I could not sit and watch that stuff, I will go swimming instead, in a heated pool, not the Ottawa river

Going out today is not too bad, Ottawa is only -14C.

My wife is on holiday tomorrow, the morning is taken up with a visit to Home depot to buy some new doors.
Then from midday onwards, we start our weekend together ;D


Recent purchase - Keurig coffee machine
Now all I need to do is moan at the company to get them to produce biodegradable / sustainable k-cups.

 

[patiently_waiting]

I could not sit and watch that stuff, I will go swimming instead, in a heated pool, not the Ottawa river

Going out today is not too bad, Ottawa is only -14C today.

My wife is on holiday tomorrow, the morning is taken up with a visit to Home depot to buy some new doors.
Then from midday onwards, we start our weekend together ;D

At least it is sunny out! -14 here in Oakville too..
Enjoy your weekend with your wife!!

PS, I usually watch the food network.. but I need a rediculous type of distraction today!
PSS when did you start your process Baloo?

 

[Baloo]

At least it is sunny out! -14 here in Oakville too..
Enjoy your weekend with your wife!!

I will; I'm off to swim and "jacuze" until later this afternoon ????

Can anyone invent a verb for using a jacuzzi (other than chilling).

 

[rjessome]

MandiF - next time you see that guy, slap him in the head. It will really make you feel better.

Baloo - when are you starting your T-shirt business? I've got a few "choice" ideas for you.

The general Canadian public have absolutely no clue about immigration or what kind of emotional turmoil you go through in this process. If you read the papers online, take a look at the comments posted by the idiots who think they know how to run this country. Lots think Canada has an open door policy and that immigration is easy. Whatever!!! Complete ignorance is the norm. Only those who go through it understand the process and emotional turmoil it causes. Even when it's over, you have an immigration hangover for awhile.

You will notice that lots of people leave the forum after they are done. I had to leave for awhile after my husband's process was finished. Like any injury you receive, the emotional trauma of immigration needs time to heal. I came back but lots don't. They don't want to be reminded of the stress, pain and heartache. But it doesn't mean they don't feel for you. They do.

Embrace the forum as your support group. No point in wasting energy on the ignorant schmucks who think they know everything. If anything, feel sorry for them because you know karma will come around to them and their insensitivity. She can be a real B*TCH!

And never forget the lessons you've learned. From now on, you will be more empathetic to another person's struggles, no matter what they are. And you are stronger than you imagined.

Booze helps too.

 

[leroadrunner]

Very interesting topic.

I think one of the problem is most Canadians (specially Toronto) think immigration is easy, as they live and meet people from all over the world so easily, so they assume that it is simple to immigrate to Canada.

I admit I was also very naive about the process!

 

[Bangkokcanuck]

You will notice that lots of people leave the forum after they are done. I had to leave for awhile after my husband's process was finished. Like any injury you receive, the emotional trauma of immigration needs time to heal. I came back but lots don't. They don't want to be reminded of the stress, pain and heartache. But it doesn't mean they don't feel for you. They do.

WOW now you're scaring me, I really have it my mind that my wife and I will just breeze through this process not really paying any attention to the wait however long it is, but the more I read this forum the less I am looking forward to this process playing out. I really had not idea it was so hard for so many people, not that I think people can just walk in the door, but as my wife and I live together we don't give much thought to the pain you guys reference, something I will be more sensitive going forward for sure.

 

[Siouxie]

I can really relate to this thread!

I, too, am from the UK and married to a Canadian. My inland application took 5 years (yes, you read it right... five years) to process from start to finish.

It seemed like every week someone would ask me if I was a "Canadian Citizen yet" - this is what most Canadians I have met think you get when you marry a Canadian. You then go through explaining to them that first you have to get Permanant Residency Status and no, you are still waiting. Then they ask why, because surely someone from the UK who marries a Canadian just gets to be a PR automatically. Ummm Duh... No! Then they ask why is it taking so long.... Agh!!!

You then go through all the things that CIC have screwed up, how they lost the files in London (my son was my accompanying dependant but was processed outland through London) and didn't look at them for 18 months.. meanwhile a glazed look takes over their face (the explanation taking longer than the 3-4 minutes some of them can keep focused for) and they say "oh, that must be tough!"

"Tough" ??? They don't know the half of it.

Then there are the comments (like the OP) of "where do you work? Oh... you don't work? Hmmmm..." and you try and explain, yet again, that you don't have a work permit and it would be illegal... most of them then said (which drove me crazy) "but your married to a Canadian - isn't it automatic?" which entailed having to go through the immigration conversation all over again for the zillianth time.

You bump into someone you haven't seen for a month and they say "have you got your Citizenship yet" even though the last time you saw them (and the time before that and the time before that ad infinitum) you had explained about PR.

In the end (and bearing in mind it took 5 years) I told people not to ask me anymore and that I would tell them when I finally got it!

Rant over!

;D

 

[Rinnerz]

I think one of the problem is most Canadians (specially Toronto) think immigration is easy, as they live and meet people from all over the world so easily, so they assume that it is simple to immigrate to Canada.

I've been watching this thread for awhile, and I just wanted to post to say that I can relate to so much of this, too.

I've quoted leroadrunner because I think the reverse can also be true, i.e. that you can encounter so much ignorance and naivete about immigration simply because people are not used to being around foreigners at all. For one reason or another, I have practically been in Newfoundland for years now. Due to financial and health issues, my husband and I only finally got to the point where we could afford this process during this past year.

No matter how many times he and I explain it to his parents and most other family members of his, their eyes seem to glaze over and--especially during the first few years that they knew me--I'd hear stuff like, "So, are you working?" and "Why don't you have an SIN?" and "Does she have her citizenship yet?" I've found almost ALL Canadians I've met can't seem to grasp the difference between permanent residency and citizenship, either. Most of them assume that just by marrying my husband, and/or applying, I "automagically" obtain Canadian citizenship too.

The only difference for me is that I know they don't ask these things to sling mud at me. They simply don't understand or can't grasp it, and worry about us. They're some of the nicest people I've ever known and yet, whenever I even hear work come up in casual conversation, I cringe and stiffen because I dread someone asking me. For me, it actually hurts because... immigration hasn't been our only barrier these past almost 4 years or so. I've had to battle for far too long with my own demons, whether it were my health issues, depression, or the fact that we've been living for 4 years on one person's income because of my inability to work (first because of health, now because of immigration). Not to mention the times where my husband got laid off with no warning, due to bad economy and so on.

Before any of this, I was an honor student at university, working as a writing consultant on campus, and doing freelance proofreading/editing and linguistic analysis. Health problems put a stop to all that, but I've always been one of those who needed to keep herself busy and productive. So I get where a lot of you are coming from when you say you've been in this for months and not working is driving you crazy, even though I've had to go through that last bit for longer than some. It can be hard and, I won't lie, isn't exactly a great boost to one's self esteem most days. It feels like everytime someone asks me, it's a kick to my own self-image--even though I know, given my own situation, that it's not something I really have control over right now.

I've also been guilty of the "just tell them I'm doing something to keep them off my back" thing, although I think that's only happened a few times with people I couldn't stand or really didn't want to have to explain things to. A few times, I've had a friend of my dad's in Malaysia ask me to do some editing work when I wasn't here, and for awhile I was proofreading and editing my dad's memoirs (for free, he's overseas--but he still owes me pie!), so it's sometimes easier to just say that's what I've been upto, although it always makes me feel like crap because--bottomline--I absolutely hate looking like a slacker and how most people assume that's what you are when you say you aren't (and can't be) working right now.

As it is, my husband cracks jokes every once in awhile about how he's scared that I'm going to go back to my overachiever ways once I get PR. "Oh, you'll be a manager of some place within a month and making more than me " Silly .

And haha! I was just about to hit "Post" when I saw Siouxie's comment about people's eyes glazing over mid-explanation. It's so true!

 

[melbell_28]

hard doesn't stand a chance when it comes to explaining how bloody painful this whole process is. and yes i want everyone i know to stop asking when my husband is getting here. i have actually started avoiding people thanks to it.

to make matters worse, recently a very good EX-friend of mine (ex now for reasons) told me that she thinks my husband married me just for the PR. I just stopped talking to her because 1. we had an option of settling in Aussi (which is where he was) or Toronto (which is where I grew up) and we picked Toronto because I didn't like Aussi. So it wasn't like we were desperate to go live in seperate countries.

2. we got into this not expecting PR, but rather expecting a wonderful life together.

i have realized that it's not worth justifying stupid people and their stupid logic. i only sound bitter because i think it's unfair that all of us get scrutenized and criticized by lame ppl with no common sense. so now i ignore them you guys should too.

ask them to spend a day in our shoes.. no an hour in our shoes and tell us how the uncertainty feels...

 

[ditta]

This is a very interesting topic, Mandi I heart you to start it with your experience.
Next time, ignore the guy completely and the rest as well- believe me you will have zillions of similar comments and questions from others.

I live in Northern Alberta and I agree with the statement that many Albertans think in a small box and cannot see things in a bigger picture. You can try to explain them how this works but 5 minutes later they get bored and usually say- oh it is so hard, I don`t even know how can you do it. Well, yes, you don`t.
They think that you can do whatever job you want, you just don`t want to, that you get Citizenship automatically once you marry a Canadain, health coverage as well, and that they heard from someone else it is no biggie...
On the other side I have a lot of foreigner co-workers, mainly from the Phillipines and it shockes me sometimes that they don`t know about the immigration or work permit process either however they came here to work. Mostly through an agency that recruited them, asked for the papers, documents, ect. and they were never involved in how it works at all. I find this a bit dangerous as well, as I think everyone should know for their own sake and safety each and every tiny steps.
The only person beside my husband who is sponsoring me seems to understand the immigration process is my own boss. He is dealing with recruiting foreigner for more than 10 years, knows about the different classes, requirements and helped many of his workers to get their PR, so have an insight of the emotional toll as well. Other than him people seems very naive.

And the emotional toll is huge, I`m sure everyone needs a recovery period after they are done- I guess myself would be in a shock. I spent the last 3 years to apply for permits, maintain my status, get LMO-s, work permits, fill applications, gather documents and by now it kind of belongs to my `everyday life`. If there was a better communication from CIC`s side and applicants can at least have some clue what is going on with their case could ease a lot of stress for sure. Not knowing what is going to happen next week, next months, not being able to plan for the future is extremly hard for an extended period. Then to be waiting to reunite with your spouse without an exact date is something I cannot imagine.

Sometimes I feel very lonely and isolated as no one seems to understand and I tend to not tell anyone about immigration other than my two really close friends who once were also getting though it.
If you have children involved it is getting more taxing. I got pregnant when we planned to submit our application. I wanted a child so bad, and I knew that was probably my one and only chance due to medical reasons. I remember I was overjoyed and on the other hand very hesitant. I didn`t want to have a child until it`s done. I wanted to start a family when I have my PR card and I don`t need to deal with it no more. We decided to wait until our baby is born, because pregnancy and immigration is fatal combination too. We sent it off after he was born and from that time I worry not about myself but our family, my son, that hopefully it will have a positive ending and we can move on and be an average happy family.