IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[sara_H_JDT]

Hi everyone, PFB my essay and provide your insights into it. I am targeting Band 8 in writing, so do let me know if this essay falls near this score or there is a lot to do. Please provide your assessment on 4 criteria of IELTS testing as well.
Special shoutout to @sara_H_JDT @cansha @Vyn @marosa
Topic: In many countries, paying for things using mobile phone apps is becoming increasingly common. Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages?

With the advent of technology, mankind has been able to send or receive money at his fingertips. Smartphone applications have facilitated this mode of online transactions. It is believed by some that due to digital payments, the lifestyle of the humans has taken a positive turn while others think this advanced technology has more downside to it than the upside. This essay will analyse both the sides of this argument and try to reach a conclusion.[This essay will comprehensively analysed both advantage and drawback sides]

Digital payments through app has eased the process of transacting and it is available to us even at odd hours[I'm not sure whether odd could be good adjective for hour or not]. This has enabled to transmit money in emergency conditions and even to remote and far off places in just a matter of seconds. For instance, I transferred money to one of my friend on a holiday who needed it urgently. This supports the fact that how useful these payment apps have become[what ? become what? become useful?] these days. In addition to this, the technology has improved the way the business is done[is done what?] today. Due to a large number of people using these apps, volume of transactions has increased, which has garnered[Not sure this is a good verb as you meant obtain/gain/take] more revenue for businesses. Thus, it has made life convenient for the people and provided the self-employed class a platform to increase their revenue.

However, doing transactions online and sharing one’s details, it poses a[threat is both countable and non countable,mostly you meant uncountable here but using "a"...] threat to one’s account and they could become a victim of cyber fraud. But[yet, because you're not in same direction and you agree with increasing apps], this does not imply that the technology is to be blamed here. There are various cyber laws and complex security features developed to curb this nuisance. This, along with online awareness, reduces the chances of victims falling to scams.[I think in this paragraph you're not asked or should explain how to decrease the cyber crime , should be almost general idea on disadvantage of this apps which could be stealing through a online transaction as an example]

To sum up, payments done online through these apps provide benefits of banking by staying in our comfort zone and it’s advantages outweigh the disadvantages associated with it. They have transformed the way of our living and if used judiciously, it would open the door to various other opportunities.[you could write better conclusion]


TIA

@Jit97
Please seek expert's Idea
From my perspective:
good vocabulary in correct place(Lexical)
Good grammar (present perfect mostly)
Good cohesion and not many cohesive devices I've seen
flowing your writing(procedure ) for task response is acceptable

 

[AstronomyNut]

Took the IELTS General first time today. Was going fairly well but Writing Task 2 took up way too much time. I just wrote too much. I did use good vocabulary and have fairly good cohesion/cohesiveness - but I felt my arguments were weak. I'm sure there will be spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes that will further bring me down. I have taken the IELTS Academic just once previously and scored a 6.5. I am hoping I do better in this test, but we'll see. Overall not happy, plus I made a bit of a blunder in Speaking Task 2 (Task 1 was very good, Task 3 was fairly good)

I'll take it again if I don't get at least a 7.

 

[sara_H_JDT]

Took the IELTS General first time today. Was going fairly well but Writing Task 2 took up way too much time. I just wrote too much. I did use good vocabulary and have fairly good cohesion/cohesiveness - but I felt my arguments were weak. I'm sure there will be spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes that will further bring me down. I have taken the IELTS Academic just once previously and scored a 6.5. I am hoping I do better in this test, but we'll see. Overall not happy, plus I made a bit of a blunder in Speaking Task 2 (Task 1 was very good, Task 3 was fairly good)

I'll take it again if I don't get at least a 7.

what about reading and listening and sp section , what did you do ?
please share your experience as well

 

[AstronomyNut]

what about reading and listening and sp section , what did you do ?
please share your experience as well

I found them to be relatively straightforward. I think I was able to get about 37/40 in Listening and 35/40 in Reading. Speaking I already mentioned in previous post.

 

[sara_H_JDT]

I found them to be relatively straightforward. I think I was able to get about 37/40 in Listening and 35/40 in Reading. Speaking I already mentioned in previous post.

Very well-job you did
what have you done for listening ? and reading and also other skill
could you little bit inform us about your experience and materials please

 

[Pela]

Will highly appreciate an input on my essay given below @marosa @cansha @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN

Thanks in advance

Question
government should spend more money on railways rather than roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

My answer.
Transportation plays a crucial role in development of a nation, the government plays an important role in determining whether to allocate resources to railways or roads. I believe that more funds should be spent on constructing railroad due to the fact that it is accessible to many people and is environmentally friendly.

Railroad is one of the most effective modes used to transport a large number of people to their desired locations. Due to lower ticket costs it is deemed affordable to most. Both blue and white collar workers can derive the benefits of commuting via the metro. Travelling on roads by car caters only to those who have the funds required to purchase or rent one.

Additionally, there are greater environmental costs associated with the use of cars. Due to poisonous gases emitted by faulty cars, pollution has increased exponentially in the past decade. Furthermore, pollution has an adverse impact on the health and well being of being of people. Gas that is used to fuel cars is a natural resource is on the verge of depletion. The development of railroads will help combat this issue.

In conclusion, allocating the State's budget to construct railroads will be beneficial to all individuals including the ones from poor socioeconomic conditions are and aid in prevention of further environmental deterioration.

 

[marosa]

Will highly appreciate an input on my essay given below @marosa @cansha @CA GURPREET SINGH MANN

Thanks in advance

Question
government should spend more money on railways rather than roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

My answer.
Transportation plays a crucial role in development of a nation, the government plays an important role in determining whether to allocate resources to railways or roads. I believe that more funds should be spent on constructing railroad due to the fact that it is accessible to many people and is environmentally friendly.

Railroad is one of the most effective modes used to transport a large number of people to their desired locations. Due to lower ticket costs it is deemed affordable to most. Both blue and white collar workers can derive the benefits of commuting via the metro. Travelling on roads by car caters only to those who have the funds required to purchase or rent one.

Additionally, there are greater environmental costs associated with the use of cars. Due to poisonous gases emitted by faulty cars, pollution has increased exponentially in the past decade. Furthermore, pollution has an adverse impact on the health and well being of being of people. Gas that is used to fuel cars is a natural resource is on the verge of depletion. The development of railroads will help combat this issue.

In conclusion, allocating the State's budget to construct railroads will be beneficial to all individuals including the ones from poor socioeconomic conditions are and aid in prevention of further environmental deterioration.

Hi,

The question is “to what extent do you agree?” Your answer is “I believe that ...”. To get high scores on TA you first of all need to clearly answer to the question asked in the introduction, e.g. you can start the sentence with “I completely agree, I partially agree, I mainly agree etc. However for 7 and above it’s better to MAINLY agree or disagree. For example you can say that while in most cases governments should invest more in railroads construction, for countries with small population roads are more preferable or something like that.

Also see the following post.
https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-178#post-8550437

 

[qaziarslantariq]

I had this question in my exam and i wrote against it. Now I have tried to write an essay in support of this opinion. Would someone please evaluate it.

Some people believe that to become successful at job, one needs to be selfish and careless about other workers.
What's your opinion?


Being a successful worker has been the primary goal of most people. However, should one become selfish and be careless about his colleagues to achieve this goal? I absolutely believe so for two reasons.

My first reason in the agreement to the lead statement is that self-centered individuals are often more careful about their task and its completion. Although I concede that one may require his/her colleague's help in completing a task, but team players often end up delaying it due to dependence upon others. To illustrate it further, people who care more about their job would not be left with much time to think about their co workers. Hence, they would finish their job in or before the scheduled time, which would eventually increase the productivity of the company. Consequently, such people would often end up getting incentives, bonuses and promotions.

Secondly, selfish people usually have a greed to increase their income levels. Such people do believe in the simple rule that amount of work being done is directly proportional to their earnings. The more they work, the more they would earn. Therefore, such individuals always try to complete as much jobs as they can instead of wasting their time to care about others.

To sum up, not only do selfish people care more about their work assignments, but they also become greedy about their incomes, which are keys to their success. Thus, I believe that selfishness is necessary to be a prosperous working individual.

 

[Aman@92]

Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere.Discuss both views and give your opinion?

An artist receives too much assistance from local government while some argued that money should be utilized on other neccessary matters rather than wasting on artists . I agree with this statement that government should take notice of important tasks on priority basis for a developed nation .

On the one side , artists performs national representation at international level for earning name and fame in field through competition .As we know that not a single task is easy to master whether it is a game or dance, all this demands enthusiasm and dedication towards goal which is impossible for everyone to achieve . Therefore, this is not a big deal if a government is sending funds or prizes to artist because without money capability is nothing in today's world .

On the other side, for a developing nation such as India , discoveries in each and every field has been essential for the growth of a nation .Government should assist scientists for inventing treatment for death causing diseases such as cancer and free of cost treatment for every citizen so that nobody can die because of lack of money.In addition , free education to poor children must be provided so that they could stand on their feet one day .

In conclusion, although artists represents a nation but fulfilling basic amenities of citizens in relation of food , education and health has been prioritized by the governments.

Please experts review my essay and tell me mistakes.Thanks

 

[Vyn]

Any feedback please. Thank you.
@CA GURPREET SINGH MANN @cansha @marosa

Topic.
Some people believe that to become successful at job, one needs to be selfish and careless about other workers.
What's your opinion?

Answer.
Many have argued that being self-centered in a working environment is the key to becoming successful. In my own opinion this should not be the case since team effort is highly pivotal, and experiential learning is the best modalities in gaining valuable knowledge that will benefit a person.


Admittedly, others have considered to act unethically at work in order to gain success. In most cases, selfishness causes the person to engage in inappropriate behaviours such as lying, thief, and falsification. For instance, an employee falsely admitting someone's idea as his in order to receive recognition from his superiors. Selfishness is not beneficial at all, it causes negative impact on the person and a hindrance to personal growth. I strongly agree that in any industry teamwork is crucial in gaining the trust of colleagues and superiors because it helps empower a person as well as it leads to a favourable work performance evaluation.

Furthermore, being self-centered at work decreases sympathy to co-workers resulting in frequent misunderstanding. They only aim to gain success in any means and no regard of how the others will feel. Some have fewer colleagues to trust and network with due to the unpleasant reputation at work. With these insights, self-centered individuals have limited opportunities to learn, collaborate ideas and share knowledge with. I think to gain success, networking is a great platform to showcase your talent, and acquire valuable skills and knowledge that will increase the chance of being successful in any chosen field.

To summarise, it is considered by many that to be successful at work one should be selfish and think less of others. I strongly disagree with this since I believe that to be successful it is important to work as a team and expand knowledge through interaction with others in any working environment.

 

[Aman@92]

You live in a room in college which you share with another student .however there are many problems with this arrangement and you find it very difficult to work .Write a letter to accommodation officer and
Describe the situation
Explain your problems and why it is difficult to work
Say what kind of accommodation you would prefer .

Answer;

Dear Sir,
I am residing in Room no. 65 in your college hostel.I am writing this letter to share what problems i am facing regarding the accommodation and its effect on my daily life.

I am very upset from my roommate who does things irresponsibly everytime.She always made up room like a mess by throwing wrappers on floor and she never put her clothes in the cupboard .Sometimes ,she used my stuff without my permission

And most of the time, she listens loud music on laptop .Therefore, this is really difficult to concentrate on studies in such environment. As this is my final year , i do not want to loose marks because of someone' s habits.

I request you to please change my room as soon as possible . It would be better if you will shift me in single room so that i can prepare for the exams desperatly .

Looking forward to hear from you soon .

Yours Sincerly
Xxx

Any body Please review my letter .. My exam is on 17 september

 

[sara_H_JDT]

You live in a room in college which you share with another student .however there are many problems with this arrangement and you find it very difficult to work .Write a letter to accommodation officer and
Describe the situation
Explain your problems and why it is difficult to work
Say what kind of accommodation you would prefer .

Answer;

Dear Sir,
I am residing in Room no. 65 in your college hostel.I am writing this letter to share what problems i am facing regarding the accommodation and its effect on my daily life.

I am very upset from my roommate who does things irresponsibly everytime.She always made up room like a mess by throwing wrappers on floor and she never put her clothes in the cupboard .Sometimes ,she used my stuff without my permission

And most of the time, she listens loud music on laptop .Therefore, this is really difficult to concentrate on studies in such environment. As this is my final year , i do not want to loose marks because of someone' s habits.

I request you to please change my room as soon as possible . It would be better if you will shift me in single room so that i can prepare for the exams desperatly .

Looking forward to hear from you soon .

Yours Sincerly
Xxx

Any body Please review my letter .. My exam is on 17 september

If you check Adam's video (writethetop) in Youtube he has a exactly like this , he wrote perfectly at band 9

 

[Aman@92]

If you check Adam's video (writethetop) in Youtube he has a exactly like this , he wrote perfectly at band 9

I think i m not much better.. Could you review my task 2 also please .. Thanking you

 

[sara_H_JDT]

Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere.Discuss both views and give your opinion?

An artist receives too much assistance from local government while some argued that money should be utilized[honestly , utilize is for something like electricity or car mostly for objects ,instead maybe better to use:exert,use,apply] on other neccessary matters[crucial aspects] rather than wasting on artists . I agree with this statement that government should take[i think need "a" here] notice of important tasks on priority basis for a developed nation .

On the one side , artists performs national representation at international level for earning name and fame in field through competition[not always through competition] .As we know that not a single task is easy to master whether it is a game or dance, all this demands enthusiasm and dedication towards goal which is impossible for everyone to achieve . Therefore, this is not a big deal if a government is sending funds or prizes to artist because without money capability is nothing in today's world .[what you want to achieve in this Paragraph , I think it's off-topic,little bit out of Main topic]

On the other side, for a developing nation such as India , discoveries in each and every field has been essential for the growth of a nation .Government should assist scientists for inventing treatment[in field of medical science from my side , invent is not a correct , find out/discover] for death causing diseases such as cancer and free of cost treatment for every citizen so that nobody can die because of lack of money.In addition , free education to poor children must be provided so that they could stand on their feet one day .

In conclusion, although artists represents a nation[comma ,] but[yet is better] fulfilling basic amenities of citizens in relation of food , education and health has been prioritized by the governments.

Please experts review my essay and tell me mistakes.Thanks

Please also seek expert's Idea
Your task response from my side is not strong , while question is asked about discuss both views you should clearly talk about both advantage(s) and drawback(s) in either cases . You opposite side is not admissible.

Your cohesive devise is acceptable, but cohesion I'm not feeling well honestly .

Lexical needs to be improvement , Please use Barron essential word for IELTS.

Grammar range could be good enough .

severely ,I suggest you go through a exist sample .You can use Ready for IELTS , and other materials , really there are enough materials which give you ability to stable your writing.
Remember each sample you are reading and analyzing it , it gives you positive points to boost your writing .

 

[marosa]

Any feedback please. Thank you.
@CA GURPREET SINGH MANN @cansha @marosa

Topic.
Some people believe that to become successful at job, one needs to be selfish and careless about other workers.
What's your opinion? You won’t get such a badly formulated question at the exam. You should find questions that people actually got at the exam.

Answer.
Many have argued in English there are specific cases/rules when you can use present perfect tense that being self-centered in a working environment is the key to becoming successful you just copied a key phrase from the question, at least paraphrase it unto “to succeed” or smth . In my own opinion this should not be the case this phrase means it’s the case, but you don’t like it and think it shouldn’t. “In my opinion I don’t agree that selfishness is a key to success at work since team effort is highly pivotal - pivotal for what? Something being important can’t be your main idea. Be more specific “is pivotal for/when it comes to professional development” , and experiential learning is the best modalities in gaining valuable knowledge that will benefit a person. 2 mistakes in this part of the sentence- it’s too long for intro, where you simply should present your main ideas; it‘s not specific, the examiner won’t understand what your main idea 2 is. A proper thesis statement would look like this “In my opinion, I disagree that being egoistic at work is a key to success, since teamwork enables employees to exchange knowledge, as well as to form a healthy work environment”.


Admittedly, others have considered to act unethically at work in order to gain success. 1. What others are you talking about? 2. Where is you main idea here? In most cases, selfishness causes the person to engage in inappropriate behaviours such as lying, thief, and falsification. When making such extreme statements and claiming that’s valid in “most cases” you’ll need to show how you got there logically. For instance, an employee falsely admitting someone's idea as his in order to receive recognition from his superiors. 1. That’s not an example, even though you said “for example”. 2 being selfish doesn’t mean being a bad person and especially a criminal. Being selfish at work doesn’t necessarily mean to steal or to lie, but rather to refuse to help others, share ideas, etc. Selfishness is not beneficial at all, it causes negative impact on the person and a hindrance to personal growth. I strongly agree don’t use such phrases in the bp’s. If your essay was structured properly you wouldn’t have to restate your opinion in the middle of the first bp. that in any industry teamwork is crucial in gaining the trust of colleagues and superiors because it helps empower a person as well as it leads to a favourable work performance evaluation.

Furthermore, being self-centered at work decreases sympathy to co-workers resulting in frequent misunderstanding. This looks a bit more like a main idea that the first one They only aim to gain success in any means and no regard of how the others will feel. Some have fewer colleagues to trust and network with due to the unpleasant reputation at work. I don’t know how to explain it, but for 7 and even 6.5 you can’t keep making assumptions look like a universal truth. The most you can say is “the more egoistic people behave at workplace, the more likely they are to be ignored by others.” And still you will need to explain further why you think so, you have a whole paragraph for that. With these insights, self-centered individuals have limited opportunities to learn, collaborate ideas and share knowledge with. So what? What does it have to do with success? I think to gain success, networking is a great platform except networking is not a platform to showcase ? your talent, and acquire valuable skills and knowledge that will increase the chance of being successful in any chosen field. Again, why? You haven’t shown how networking enables me one’s success at work. And where is your example to show that top employees are those who are most social and open for communication?

To summarise, it is considered by many that to be successful at work one should be selfish and think less of others that’s the same thing, you don’t need to explain your own words, examiner has enough knowledge in English to know that being selfish means to think less of others. I strongly disagree with this since I believe that to be successful it is important to work as a team and expand knowledge through interaction with others in any working environment. Yeah but why? “It is important” is not a main idea. You can answer to any question like that. If it wasn’t important you wouldn’t be asked the question.

Hi, read others essays here. This one’s task response and coherence&cohesion is 6. I’m not sure but I think you used to write better essays before. Read you own reviewed essays once again.