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IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

Har12345678

Star Member
Nov 3, 2018
157
5
36
Category........
PNP
NOC Code......
2175
Pre-Assessed..
Yes
Anyone got revaluation result of 1st Aug exam?I am waiting for the result.....Plz share
 

RK_K

Newbie
Aug 21, 2019
6
0
Hello...
@cansha ...
would you please check my task 2 essay. I have tried to sort out the previous errors.


Task 2 question :
Some people think that newspapers are the best way to get news. However, others believe that other media are better sources of news. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


Answer:
It is true for many people that reading news in newspapers is the most effective method to learn about current and international events as well as broaden their horizon, while others claim that getting news via media, radio and the internet is the best option. From my point of view, although reading news from the newspaper is a great way to obtain information, I would argue that using other types of media is preferable.

On the one hand, reading news in newspapers has a range of benefits. Firstly, the information in the newspapers is usually close to reality and subject to better editorial control than news from other types of media. Moreover, readers get detailed information about the matter without any fake data. For instance, the percentage of newspaper reader has been increasing in comparison to the different modes of news available. Additionally, newspaper reporters and writers are professionally trained, so that they can cover an impartial perspective which gives the reader a more balanced view.

On the other hand, other types of news media such as radio, internet, and TV can be a great mode of information. Nowadays, people are busy in their life and work, radio is the most convenient news provider to them when they commute to and from home. Furthermore, disabled persons who cannot see and hear easily, will be able to listen and see news from the TV news. For example, young people feel more comfortable in hearing news about electronic gadgets. Thus, the development of the internet has increased the usage of radio and other media rather than the newspaper.

In conclusion, despite the fact that reading news in newspapers might have advantages, I believe that other types of media like TV, radio, and the internet is a better way to access news.
 

Twee

Hero Member
Oct 31, 2018
371
135
Hi Cansha,

Here is my first essay in this thread, please kindly review and help me understand why I stuck with 6.5 for 10 times :(

Actually I wrote and fixed it after reading your comments on some essays, it therefore may not truly reflect my writing under exam conditions. However, it is worth to know if I well understand your comments on other essays. Plus, the reasons for me to continue using "the essay will...." are: (1) I often use it in introduction part of my graduate assignments, so I think/hope that IELTS accepts it and (2) I plan to retake the test at IDP, where many say that this is the Australian style hehehe.

Question:

Some people believe that eventually all jobs will be done by artificially intelligent robots. What is your opinion?

Answer (257 words)

Use of robots is becoming increasingly common in many sectors. That makes some believe that artificial intelligence will eventually take over all jobs from humans. This essay will argue why many occupations, but unlikely all, will fall into robots’ hand and why humans are still needed for certain jobs.

Manual jobs will undoubtedly be undertaken by robots because of their capacities. Machines are programed to complete one task much more precisely and quickly than a worker does. It can also work continuously without breaking time which all employers are legally required to arrange for their employees. Indeed, recent studies in textile industry demonstrate that machines have higher productivity than humans do whereas maintenance cost is lower compared to wages and bonus paid to workers. As a result, entrepreneurs tend to apply technology in their business.

Advantages of artificial intelligence notwithstanding, robots is unlikely to replace humans at work that requires human contacts and presence. Machine does not have some essential features that only humans have, such as human sense. There are circumstances in which robots are incapable to assess, evaluate and make right decisions. At an art competition, for instance, selection panel must include prominent artists who are professional in aesthetic field to be able to judge the artwork and choose the winner.

In sum, this essay argued why the presence of artificial intelligence is more and more popular in human life. People will dissipate in many industry and be replaced by robots; however, they are still needed for other professions that require human contact and presence.
 
Last edited:

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Hi Cansha,

Here is my first essay in this thread, please kindly review and help me understand why I stuck with 6.5 for 10 times :(
10 times is a lot. In my observation there are generally two main reasons for being stuck at 6.5

1. Your grammar is very bad
2. Your task response is not consistent.

More often than not it is point 2.


Actually I wrote and fixed it after reading your comments on some essays, it therefore may not truly reflect my writing under exam conditions. However, it is worth to know if I well understand your comments on other essays. Plus, the reasons for me to continue using "the essay will...." are: (1) I often use it in introduction part of my graduate assignments, so I think/hope that IELTS accepts it and
The fact that you have been stuck at 6.5 is kind of an indication that IELTS is not really accepting it so "hoping" is not going to help you. Think about it why does IELTS take a writing test? They are trying to see whether you can express your views logically and coherently in writing. Now, the phrase "this essay ... blah blah" can be written for any topic under the Sun. And hence, it doesn't let the examiner know that in fact you are able to use your own words to express yourself. Plus, when you give some glimpse of what is to come in essay you make your essay unique. But then I have made this point N number of times. You can decide between "hoping" and making a change for yourself. My feedback will remain the same.

(2) I plan to retake the test at IDP, where many say that this is the Australian style hehehe.

whoever told you that is basically BSing you. But, it is up to you as it is your money and your time.

Question:

Some people believe that eventually all jobs will be done by artificially intelligent robots. What is your opinion?

Answer (257 words)

Use of robots is becoming increasingly common in many sectors. That makes some believe that artificial intelligence will eventually take over all jobs from humans. This essay will argue why many occupations, but unlikely all, will fall into robots’ hand and why humans are still needed for certain jobs. You know what I'm going to say here. You're killing your essay. The question is what is your opinion so give them your opinion. Also, the idea is good but then give it more color to show what is going to come in essay.

Manual jobs will undoubtedly be undertaken by robots because of their capacities. There is always doubt. Nothing is certain. Point 2.6 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Machines are programed to complete one task much more precisely and quickly than a worker does. It can also work continuously without breaking time which all employers are legally required to arrange for their employees. Indeed, recent studies in textile industry demonstrate that machines have higher productivity than humans do whereas maintenance cost is lower compared to wages and bonus paid to workers. As a result, entrepreneurs tend to apply technology in their business. No value add

Advantages of artificial intelligence notwithstanding, robots is are unlikely to replace humans at work that requires human contacts and presence. Machine does not have some essential features that only humans have, such as human sense. This was such a good point but not really presented well. Could have started with this argument in first line rather than just keep it hanging here.
There are circumstances in which robots are incapable to assess, evaluate and make right decisions.
At an art competition, for instance, selection panel must include prominent artists who are professional in aesthetic field to be able to judge the artwork and choose the winner. Now think about it question is whether robots will replace humans in jobs. Ok technically, this example compares robots to humans. But does being an art judge is really the job this topic wants you to explore? Think about it. Is it really a good example. In the previous example you picked textile industry which is fair example saying oh in an assembly line kind of environment robots may be better than humans. Think about an example which is more work place than this. This is where this essay diverges from the topic at hand and hence results in poor task response.

In sum, this essay argued why the presence of artificial intelligence is more and more popular in human life. You know my feedback on this. If this is how you have written in the past may be try breaking away from that pattern.
People will dissipate in many industry and be replaced by robots; however, they are still needed for other professions that require human contact and presence. This is repeat of introduction line and not really a conclusion. You need to study more on writing conclusions.

The problem in your essay is task response. It needs to tighter and more on the topic. Your introduction and conclusion are adding no value to your essay. Make them a little better and you will touch 7 easily.
 
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cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Hello...
@cansha ...
would you please check my task 2 essay. I have tried to sort out the previous errors.


Task 2 question :
Some people think that newspapers are the best way to get news. However, others believe that other media are better sources of news. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Answer:
It is true for many people that reading news in newspapers is the most effective method to learn about current and international events as well as broaden their horizon, # 7 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/ Not sure if you read the link.
while others claim that getting news via media, radio and the internet I is always capital in Internet is the best option. From my point of view, although reading news from the newspaper is a great way to obtain information, Give me a glimpse WHY?
I would argue that using other types of media is preferable. WHY?

On the one hand, reading news in newspapers has a range of benefits. Waste of first line Point 1.5 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Firstly, the information in the newspapers is usually close to reality and subject to better editorial control than news from other types of media. Okay but why? and how?
Moreover, readers get detailed information about the matter without any fake data. Why and how?
For instance, the percentage of newspaper reader has been increasing in comparison to the different modes of news available. Your example has nothing to do with your arguments above.
Additionally, newspaper reporters and writers are professionally trained, so that they can cover an impartial perspective which gives the reader a more balanced view. Okay this is a why and how but it is hidden so far away. Use this argument and combine with your second line. Get rid of first line and start from there.

On the other hand, other types of news media such as radio, internet, and TV can be a great mode of information. No value add
Nowadays, people are busy in their life and work, radio is the most convenient news provider to them when they commute to and from home. Why? So can be an app on the phone? What is your argument here?
Furthermore, disabled persons who cannot see and hear easily, will be able to listen and see news from the TV news. See this is the issue you went from busy people on the go to disabled people.
For example, young people feel more comfortable in hearing news about electronic gadgets. And your example is about young people.. Do you see any issue here? This is where you lose point on coherence and cohesion. you are jumping from one argument to another.
Thus, the development of the internet has increased the usage of radio and other media rather than the newspaper. Your ideas are all over the place.

In conclusion, despite the fact that reading news in newspapers might have advantages, I believe that other types of media like TV, radio, and the internet is a better way to access news. Weak conclusion. No reiteration of main points discussed.

Read more and more. The key to writing good essays is to read good essays. Try and structure your ideas more. DO NOT write full essays for 2-3 days. Read a topic and write all the points that come to your mind. Then arrange those points in paragraphs. And then google the topic and see if you had good points... Did you have good structure in place? That is how you will learn. Just writing essays won't help. Take a break from writing essays and spend time in reading. Trust me it will help!



All the best!
 
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Reactions: faisalshaikh

Rieme

Newbie
May 16, 2019
4
0
Please help critique, thank you.
QUESTION
Children today spend more time watching television than they did in the last. Describe some of the advantages and disadvantages of TV for children
Answer
Nowadays , there has been a rise in the number of screen time amongst children. Despite the fact that an increase in the time spent on television can result in various health complications,it is also beneficial in promoting learning in children.


A major merit of the recent surge in screen time is the fact that it enhances learning. Children especially toddlers learn faster when their sights are stimulated with captivating visuals. This has made it easier for the young ones to struggle less when acquiring knowledge as compared to the past as there are numerous learning materials available on the screen .For example, my 3 year old daughter learnt to identify her numbers and letters from watching educative shows on the television. In addition, an increase in screen time can also occupy the young ones and hence provides ample time for their parents or guardian to engage in other activities.

On the contrary, the increase in time spent on television has resulted in mental and physical complications in children. There has been an increase in the number of children coming down with sight issues and this has been traced back to the increment in screen time. A recent study also revealed some toddlers who were exposed early to too much screen time lacking cognitive function and became late bloomers. They found it difficult to communicate properly with people and fit in with their peers.

In conclusion , although the increase in the time children spent on television has led to various health problems, it is also important in promoting learning.
 

faisalshaikh

Full Member
Aug 25, 2019
29
10
Hello @cansha

Request you to look into my Task 1 letter. Have scored 6.5 twice in my writing and now attempting my 3rd in a weeks time, though a CBT this time, as my handwriting is not the best.

Task 1 Question
You work at home and have a problem with a piece of equipment that you use for your job.
Write a letter to the shop or company which supplied the equipment. In your letter
  • describe the problem with the equipment
  • explain how this problem is affecting your work
  • say what you want the shop or company to do
Task 1 Answer

I am writing to you in connection with an online purchase I made on 25th August 2019. Its an office chair, which is brown in colour (Model No-2ABB1). The problem is that I am not able to adjust its height, which is a cause of concern for my requirements.

I am self-employed and work from home, so have the flexibility of moving my desks around the house. It was only until yesterday, when I realized that the button used for adjusting the chair has stopped working. This is causing me some problems, as I am not able to move my monitor and reach the keyboard without increasing the height of the chair.

I would like you to replace the chair or perhaps send someone to repair as soon as possible. Yours is a reputed company and I expect this concern to be resolved at the earliest.

Thank you for your co-operation and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully
 

faisalshaikh

Full Member
Aug 25, 2019
29
10
Dear @cansha

Request you to look into my Task 2 essay. Have scored 6.5 twice in my writing and now attempting my 3rd in a weeks time, though a CBT this time, as my handwriting is not the best.

Task 2 Question
Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic? What are the benefits and disadvantages of this?

Task 2 Answer

Travelling and exploring places which were not popular earlier, are being now visited by tourists, such as the Sahara Desert or the Antarctic region. They are gaining popularity because of its one of a kind experience. This essay shall discuss the advantages and disadvantage of venturing into such places.

The living conditions in these places are extreme, meaning one cannot experience the same in the city, which is the biggest advantage. It’s a saying, “if someone can live through difficult conditions, they can live anywhere”. Also, tourists nowadays don’t want to visit another city which is similar as theirs, would rather go to places which are unexplored and give them the adrenaline rush. For example, a recent survey conducted by World Travel Association, indicated that tourists at the Sahara desert are on the rise.

When one visits unpopular destinations like these, health is at risk because of the extreme temperatures, which is a disadvantage. These places are not very populated, hence access to hospitals would be difficult too, thereby increasing risks. Also, phone and internet signals would be weak, and in case of emergency, resources would be very limited. Just recently, the government of Australia had issued warnings for tourists visiting the Antarctic region, highlighting health and safety concerns.

Though places like the Sahara desert and the Antarctic region provide us with an unique experience which cannot be witnessed visiting popular cities, it comes with a cost of our health and safety. If one is completely prepared mentally and physically, they should venture such places, because you only live once.


Thank you.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Hello @cansha

Request you to look into my Task 1 letter. Have scored 6.5 twice in my writing and now attempting my 3rd in a weeks time, though a CBT this time, as my handwriting is not the best.

Task 1 Question
You work at home and have a problem with a piece of equipment that you use for your job.
Write a letter to the shop or company which supplied the equipment. In your letter
  • describe the problem with the equipment
  • explain how this problem is affecting your work
  • say what you want the shop or company to do
Task 1 Answer
I am writing to you in connection with an online purchase I made on 25th August 2019. Its What is the difference between its and it's? Which one is applicable here?
an office chair, which is brown in colour (Model No-2ABB1). Verbose. You can simply write It's a brown office chair. Same meaning.
The problem is that I am not able to adjust its See this is where you use its
height, which is a cause of concern for my requirements.

I am self-employed and work from home, so have the flexibility of moving my desks around the house. It was only until yesterday, when I realized that the button used for adjusting the chair has stopped working. This is causing me some problems, as I am not able to move my monitor and reach the keyboard without increasing the height of the chair.The language is too confusing to understand what you want to say.

I would like you to replace the chair or perhaps send someone to repair as soon as possible. Yours is a reputed company and I expect this concern to be resolved at the earliest. Good clear response and call for action.

Thank you for your co-operation and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

Second paragraph needs to be written in a little bit more clear language. Structure is good and enough ideas for task response.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Dear @cansha

Request you to look into my Task 2 essay. Have scored 6.5 twice in my writing and now attempting my 3rd in a weeks time, though a CBT this time, as my handwriting is not the best.

Task 2 Question
Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert or the Antarctic? What are the benefits and disadvantages of this?

Task 2 Answer
Travelling and exploring places which were not popular earlier, are being now visited by tourists, such as the Sahara Desert or the Antarctic region. They are gaining popularity because of its you are talking about places i.e. plural. What should be the right pronoun here? one of a kind experience. This essay shall discuss the advantages and disadvantage of venturing into such places. Point 1.4 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Go back a few pages and every single essay has this line. And most people are complaining that they are stuck on 6.5. IELTS writing doesn't award you any points for learnt phrases. I'm not sure my reviewing essays is making any difference as essay after essay I see this phrase being used. Ah well ...

The living conditions in these places are extreme, meaning one cannot experience the same in the city, which is the biggest advantage. It’s a saying, “if someone can live through difficult conditions, they can live anywhere”. Also, tourists nowadays don’t Do not use contractions in IELTS task 2.
want to visit another city which is similar as theirs, would rather go to places which are unexplored and give them the adrenaline rush. For example, a recent survey conducted by World Travel Association, indicated that tourists at the Sahara desert are on the rise. Not sure how this example supports the argument.

When one visits unpopular destinations like these, health is at risk because of the extreme temperatures, which is a disadvantage. Just temperature?
These places are not very populated, hence access to hospitals would be difficult too, thereby increasing risks. Also, phone and internet signals would be weak, and in case of emergency, resources would be very limited. You're jumping from one idea to another.
Just recently, the government of Australia had issued warnings for tourists visiting the Antarctic region, highlighting health and safety concerns.



Though places like the Sahara desert and the Antarctic region provide us with an unique experience which cannot be witnessed visiting popular cities, it comes with a cost of our health and safety. This is actually a good conclusion line.
If one is completely prepared mentally and physically, they should venture such places, because you only live once.

Thank you.


Look there are ideas in the essay but challenge is Task Response. Not saying the task response is missing. Actually there are enough points in the essay. I think if this essay had better intro and a little more concise BP2, it would be closer to a 7+ score. All the best!
 

Rieme

Newbie
May 16, 2019
4
0
@cansha please help critique this essay, thank you.
QUESTION
Children today spend more time watching television than they did in the last. Describe some of the advantages and disadvantages of TV for children
Answer
Nowadays , there has been a rise in the number of screen time amongst children. Despite the fact that an increase in the time spent on television can result in various health complications,it is also beneficial in promoting learning in children.


A major merit of the recent surge in screen time is the fact that it enhances learning. Children especially toddlers learn faster when their sights are stimulated with captivating visuals. This has made it easier for the young ones to struggle less when acquiring knowledge as compared to the past as there are numerous learning materials available on the screen .For example, my 3 year old daughter learnt to identify her numbers and letters from watching educative shows on the television. In addition, an increase in screen time can also occupy the young ones and hence provides ample time for their parents or guardian to engage in other activities.

On the contrary, the increase in time spent on television has resulted in mental and physical complications in children. There has been an increase in the number of children coming down with sight issues and this has been traced back to the increment in screen time. A recent study also revealed some toddlers who were exposed early to too much screen time lacking cognitive function and became late bloomers. They found it difficult to communicate properly with people and fit in with their peers.

In conclusion , although the increase in the time children spent on television has led to various health problems, it is also important in promoting learning.
 

cansha

VIP Member
Aug 1, 2018
6,676
5,855
Please help critique, thank you.
QUESTION
Children today spend more time watching television than they did in the last. Describe some of the advantages and disadvantages of TV for children
Answer
Nowadays , there has been a rise in the number of screen time amongst children. Despite the fact that an increase in the time spent on television can result in various health complications,it is also beneficial in promoting learning in children. Good. You have given me something to look forward to. You have given me what are possible advantage and disadvantage you are going to talk about. This makes your essay better.


A major merit of the recent surge in screen time is the fact that it enhances learning. Children especially toddlers learn faster when their sights are stimulated with captivating visuals. See if you can combine these two sentences.
This has made it easier for the young ones to struggle less when acquiring knowledge as compared to the past as there are numerous learning materials available on the screen . The phrase in red could be written in some other way to make it better.
For example, my 3 year old daughter learnt to identify her numbers and letters from watching educative shows on the television. In addition, an increase in screen time can also occupy the young ones and hence provides ample time for their parents or guardian to engage in other activities. Okay. This point actually is good and makes sense. I'm not so sure it is related to task response here but still I would say makes sense.

On the contrary, the increase in time spent on television has resulted in mental and physical complications in children. There has been an increase in the number of children coming down with sight issues and this has been traced back to the increment in screen time. You are using screen time excessively across your essay.
A recent study also revealed some toddlers who were exposed early to too much screen time lacking cognitive function and became late bloomers. They found it difficult to communicate properly with people and fit in with their peers.The mental issue aspect is not very convincing. The sight issue still makes sense.

In conclusion , although the increase in the time children spent on television has led to various health problems, it is also important in promoting learning.
One line conclusions are risky. Read section 3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485


Overall there was a flow in the essay and the ideas did flow nicely. Introduction wasn't stale and actually gave direction to the essay which is a big positive. BP1 also flowed nicely. But BP2 and conclusion were a little weak. I think you are on the right path. Keep focusing on task response and you should be able to score 7 easily. All the best!
 

Rieme

Newbie
May 16, 2019
4
0
Nowadays , there has been a rise in the number of screen time amongst children. Despite the fact that an increase in the time spent on television can result in various health complications,it is also beneficial in promoting learning in children. Good. You have given me something to look forward to. You have given me what are possible advantage and disadvantage you are going to talk about. This makes your essay better.


A major merit of the recent surge in screen time is the fact that it enhances learning. Children especially toddlers learn faster when their sights are stimulated with captivating visuals. See if you can combine these two sentences.
This has made it easier for the young ones to struggle less when acquiring knowledge as compared to the past as there are numerous learning materials available on the screen . The phrase in red could be written in some other way to make it better.
For example, my 3 year old daughter learnt to identify her numbers and letters from watching educative shows on the television. In addition, an increase in screen time can also occupy the young ones and hence provides ample time for their parents or guardian to engage in other activities. Okay. This point actually is good and makes sense. I'm not so sure it is related to task response here but still I would say makes sense.

On the contrary, the increase in time spent on television has resulted in mental and physical complications in children. There has been an increase in the number of children coming down with sight issues and this has been traced back to the increment in screen time. You are using screen time excessively across your essay.
A recent study also revealed some toddlers who were exposed early to too much screen time lacking cognitive function and became late bloomers. They found it difficult to communicate properly with people and fit in with their peers.The mental issue aspect is not very convincing. The sight issue still makes sense.

In conclusion , although the increase in the time children spent on television has led to various health problems, it is also important in promoting learning.
One line conclusions are risky. Read section 3 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485


Overall there was a flow in the essay and the ideas did flow nicely. Introduction wasn't stale and actually gave direction to the essay which is a big positive. BP1 also flowed nicely. But BP2 and conclusion were a little weak. I think you are on the right path. Keep focusing on task response and you should be able to score 7 easily. All the best!
Thank you so much, I really appreciate
 

RK_K

Newbie
Aug 21, 2019
6
0
Answer:
It is true for many people that reading news in newspapers is the most effective method to learn about current and international events as well as broaden their horizon, # 7 on this list http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/ Not sure if you read the link.
while others claim that getting news via media, radio and the internet I is always capital in Internet is the best option. From my point of view, although reading news from the newspaper is a great way to obtain information, Give me a glimpse WHY?
I would argue that using other types of media is preferable. WHY?

On the one hand, reading news in newspapers has a range of benefits. Waste of first line Point 1.5 https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/page-90#post-7568485
Firstly, the information in the newspapers is usually close to reality and subject to better editorial control than news from other types of media. Okay but why? and how?
Moreover, readers get detailed information about the matter without any fake data. Why and how?
For instance, the percentage of newspaper reader has been increasing in comparison to the different modes of news available. Your example has nothing to do with your arguments above.
Additionally, newspaper reporters and writers are professionally trained, so that they can cover an impartial perspective which gives the reader a more balanced view. Okay this is a why and how but it is hidden so far away. Use this argument and combine with your second line. Get rid of first line and start from there.

On the other hand, other types of news media such as radio, internet, and TV can be a great mode of information. No value add
Nowadays, people are busy in their life and work, radio is the most convenient news provider to them when they commute to and from home. Why? So can be an app on the phone? What is your argument here?
Furthermore, disabled persons who cannot see and hear easily, will be able to listen and see news from the TV news. See this is the issue you went from busy people on the go to disabled people.
For example, young people feel more comfortable in hearing news about electronic gadgets. And your example is about young people.. Do you see any issue here? This is where you lose point on coherence and cohesion. you are jumping from one argument to another.
Thus, the development of the internet has increased the usage of radio and other media rather than the newspaper. Your ideas are all over the place.

In conclusion, despite the fact that reading news in newspapers might have advantages, I believe that other types of media like TV, radio, and the internet is a better way to access news. Weak conclusion. No reiteration of main points discussed.

Read more and more. The key to writing good essays is to read good essays. Try and structure your ideas more. DO NOT write full essays for 2-3 days. Read a topic and write all the points that come to your mind. Then arrange those points in paragraphs. And then google the topic and see if you had good points... Did you have good structure in place? That is how you will learn. Just writing essays won't help. Take a break from writing essays and spend time in reading. Trust me it will help!



All the best!
Thanks cansha
 

RK_K

Newbie
Aug 21, 2019
6
0
Hello
@cansha
Please check my essay.
Some people agree that children should ask for parent’s advice. Some disagree. Discuss both views and share your opinion.

It is debatable among most of the people, whether young generation should take advice from their guardian’s or not. A few people believe that guidance from parents is mandatory for children, while others argue. This essay will discuss both sides of argument in detail and put forward evidences why I favour the perspective of asking parental help by child is the effective method.

Parents play a pivotal role in the physical and mental growth of the growing child. To make it more clear, children’s are not in the position of taking decisions for their future. So, they need advice from their guardians related to their studies and jobs. For instance, a study conducted by the school authorities revealed that the child can attain a valuable position in their workplace, if they are guided by their parents. In short, parent’s advice is necessary for children.

There are some people who think that there is no need of any kind of advice from parents because this will suppress the thinking power of the offspring. When a child knows they would be guided by their elder ones, then they stop using their brain. This will reduce the capability of taking decision by themselves. A survey conducted by the local hospital, for example, declared that the child who are totally dependent on their parents for decision has an adverse effect on the function of the brain. Clearly, some decisions should be made by children themselves without taking any help from their parents.

In conclusion, the number of individuals who favours the proposition say that children need advice from their guardian's in choosing education and future career, whereas others do not vote for it because this stops the children’s brain activity. However, in my opinion, besides the consequences due to advice given by a parent to their child, children should always rely on parent's advice.