IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi, I am not an expert in IELTS writing and have started preparation this week only and had written hardly one or two essays. I have even posted my first ever written essay here for evaluation. I think this group has gone slow these days. Although I am new to IELTS and this forum, it is my sincere effort to help my fellow members with the knowledge that I have.
Below is my feedback on the essay. This is my first attempt so excuse me if I am wrong with my feedback.

Question:Many people say that cooking and eating at home is better for the individual and the family than eating out in restaurants or canteens.
Do you agree or disagree?

Food is one of the fundamental human need. Majority of the populace agrees that home made ( homemade) cuisines are better than buying outside. I strongly support this view because home made (repetitive and again spelling error) foods are safer , nutritionally richer and cooking skills could be transferred to the children. ( You are probably lacking here in Task Achievement- you said about cooking but not about eating, and also you forgot to mention individual and families)

Home made(repetitive and again spelling error delicacies are (avoid generalizations here) safer and nutritionally richer( You need to start this with cohesive phrases such as : A good reason to support homemade delicacies is that they are generally safer and nutritionally rich)This is because the hygienic conditions under which the food is prepared can be ascertained (I don't know, sound a bit absurd to me) and the chances of getting an (Grammar) infection from food contamination will be reduced. Also, food item such as vegetable can be prepared ensuring (prepared is usually followed by to-infinitive so replace ensuring with to ensure) the nutritional contents are preserved when cooked in the home. ( You haven't fully developed the topic sentence. You've only mentioned why it is safer and nutritional. you need to further explain and support your view with examples)

Furthermore, making food at home helps(avoid generalizations here) transfer cooking skills to the children because the parent could show them how each item is made. This ensures the (Grammar) preservation of the family culture and independence of the children in the process(what??). For instance, a youth(you stated children in the topic sentence and the example doesn't seem to fit in this context) at the university living in the hostel could easily prepare food without resulting to (without having to)- resulting in buying food daily if trained in the home previously.(in the first place), Again you are all about making food and not about eating it, you haven't mentioned anything about going out and eating in the restaurants).

To conclude, cuisines are important in the safety, health,development and life span of an individual.(don't introduce any ideas(development, lifespan) here and it doesn't seem to answer the question) I will (would) like to reiterate that home made foods are better than purchasing them out because they are safer ,nutritionally richer and the skill could be transferred to the whole family. ( Again you haven't fully addressed the task)

Comments:
TASK ACHIEVEMENT: ( your essay is very short- 210 words, means you lose at least 1 bands here and you haven't addressed the task completely. Maybe you could write one paragraph explaining why you agree that eating and cooking at home is better for INDIVIDUALS than eating out in the restaurants and another paragraph explaining the same for FAMILIES.) In this way, you could easily cover main ideas: COOKING, EATING, HOME, INDIVIDUALS, FAMILIES, OUTSIDE)- Band 5 for Task Achievement.

COHERENCE AND COHESION: You have used few cohesive devices such as Also, Furthermore, For instance, to conclude) and few referencing ( This is because, This ensures) but your supporting doesn't always strike back to the topic sentence). You have stated your opinion clearly in the introduction and by seeing each body paragraph one can estimate what you are about to talk. You could make your supporting points more coherent by further explaining and linking it back to the topic sentence.)- a bit of practice might get you 7, but for now it's 6 for me.

LEXICAL RESOURCES: you have repeated the words safer, richer, homemade, nutritionally etc. multiple times. However, there are few uncommon words such as cuisines, delicacies, contamination, nutritional contents) but these are not enough. Use more topic related vocabulary. For me, it's a 6.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY: You haven't written sufficient complex sentences. There are few sentences with coordinating conjunction but none with subordinating conjunction. You need to use some conditional sentences. You need to use defining and non-defining relative clauses and also consider using all the three tenses in your essay. Also, the majority of the complex sentence contains error. so for me, it's a 5.5

OVERALL: 5 to 5.5 ( If there were 250+ words, you could possibly get 6 for this essay)
Don't feel disheartened or panicked. You could really improve if you put a little bit of hard work on your essays.

GUYS, let's help each other to get our desired band scores. Let's check each other's essay and give feedback.

nice work, Vvek

Please stay here for sometime and help people.

 

[salampk]

Hello
Can anyone help me? when I fill the initial application my Ielts result is eligible. DId it require renew before the full application, I mean with expire ielts result you can fill full application?

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hello
Can anyone help me? when I fill the initial application my Ielts result is eligible. DId it require renew before the full application, I mean with expire ielts result you can fill full application?

nope, you can't and its not the right thread to ask this question, please don't post further. thanks

 

[Noor_100]

Agree or Disagree, its my opinion, so don't bash me later.



task achievement is good, grammar issues are there, odd language sometimes, good for 6.5, for 7 sentences must be more refined and complex.

Thanks for your valuable evaluation friend . I will improvise and post here my best. Once again Thanks!!

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi, Could you please correct my essay? My exam date is nearing and I don't know where I stand.

Q: More and More people are working at home rather than in the workplace. Some people say this will bring benefits to the workers and their families, but others think it will bring stress to the home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is increasingly common for people to work at home, rather than going to the workplace. While it is thought by some people that this will bring stress to the home [rephrase it somehow, like, it could make home environment more stressful], I would agree [ question did not ask you to agree or disagree] with those who argue that working from home is beneficial to both the workers and their families.

poor intro, good for 6.5
read this thread, and find out all my comments about intro, especially for both views type of essay.

On the one hand, those who believe working from home is stressful might argue that it can negatively impact the relationship with family members. This is because a family member often have expectations to do some minor household works [works ??, wrong word choice, use tasks, chores] from the one staying at home, and if one fails to do so, it might be the cause of trouble between them. For example, a wife might ask husband to do dishes as he is working from home, and if he is unable to do so due to his work commitments, it is likely to bring clash between husband and wife. As a result of this, working from home tends to bring stress.

hmm, fine, good enough for 7, but don't trust these examiners.

On the other hand, my view is that working from home can bring joy and happiness to both the worker and their family members. The reason for this is that the worker can work as well as spend some time with their loved ones, which can be beneficial to strengthen the bond with families. For instance, a worker can enjoy breaks with his child, which will help to know and understand each other more. As a result, the child would be happy to realize how close his father is with him, and the father might feel satisfied to maintain a work-family balance.

no big issues,

In conclusion, despite the stress of meeting family expectations that working from home might bring, my firm belief is that it is a vital step to strengthen the relationship with family members by balancing work and family.

again good.

overall, it should fetch 7, but alas, they won't let you.

it is persuasive essay, make view of your opinion strong and other one weak somehow.
in this, first view is stronger, your view is weaker, trust me on this one.


so for this question

"Discuss both views and give your own opinion."
I recommend
para 1->Intro -> neutral - without your opinion
para 2-> neutral - without your opinion
para 3->neutral- without your opinion

para 4 -> conclusion + your opinion
OR
para 4 -> your opinion alone
para 5 ->conclusion

it makes much sense.

 

[Noor_100]

Agree or Disagree, its my opinion, so don't bash me later.

task achievement is good, grammar issues are there, odd language sometimes, good for 6.5, for 7 sentences must be more refined and complex.

@H0peAndFa1th please evaluate this. Thanks in advance.

Writing task 1

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

You work at home and have a problem with a piece of equipment that you use for your job.

Write a letter to the shop or company which supplied the equipment.
In your letter

· Describe the problem with the equipment

· Explain how this problem is affecting your work

· Say what you want the shop or company to do.

Write at least 150 words. You do NOT need to write any address.

Begin your letter as follows:

DEAR SIR or Madam,

I am Noor and I have bought a comfortable color printer from your company a couple of months back for my home business. It was operating fine in the initial days, however, in later days, it fails to press the paper once after it works for continuous five hours, also heated up sooner and stops at sometimes. However, in the device catalog, it is guaranteed that the printer will work for consecutive ten hours per day without any fault.

Due to the above mentioned issue, my business has incurred loss of revenue. Also, a dedicated person is needed to monitor and restart the printer whenever it stops. Currently, I am stuck with my business deliverable.

The warranty paper of the printer says that if any defect arise in the first year, it will troubleshooted within 10 days at free of cost. So, kindly consider this issue and fix it as soon as possible with high priority. Looking forward for your service.

Yours sincerely,
Noor

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

@H0peAndFa1th please evaluate this. Thanks in advance.

Writing task 1

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

You work at home and have a problem with a piece of equipment that you use for your job.

Write a letter to the shop or company which supplied the equipment.
In your letter

· Describe the problem with the equipment

· Explain how this problem is affecting your work

· Say what you want the shop or company to do.

Write at least 150 words. You do NOT need to write any address.

Begin your letter as follows:

DEAR SIR or Madam,

I am Noor and I have bought a comfortable color printer from your company a couple of months back for my home business.
i find this sentence to be odd, feels something like run-on-sentence or just grammatically incorrect.
fine : I am Noor and I have bought a comfortable color printer from your company for my home business.
fine : I am Noor, a couple of months back I have bought a comfortable color printer from your company for my home business.


It was operating fine in the initial days [now, no one knows about initial days, what are those, why are those,
so its better to say, that, for 4 weeks, 3 months etc etc, got it ?], however, in later days [say after 3 months etc ], it fails to press the paper once after it works for continuous five hours, also heated up sooner and stops at sometimes.
again this sentence is oddd,
say :: now, after working for few hours, it stops pressing the paper and shut it self down after showing heated warning signals.
However, in the device catalog, it is guaranteed that the printer will work for consecutive ten hours per day without any fault.

Due to the above mentioned issue, my business has incurred loss of revenue. Also, a dedicated person is needed to monitor and restart the printer whenever it stops. Currently, I am stuck with my business deliverable.
better
Due to printer's intermittent stops, my work is affected severely. Moreover, a dedicated person is needed to be around to monitor the printer's working, for example, to restart it whenever it stops working. This not only cause mental agony but also loss in revenue, thus, affecting my bottom line.

that - not only - but also , sentence is so important, make sure, you write that in letter and essay also.



The warranty paper of the printer says that if any defect arise in the first year, it will troubleshooted within 10 days at free of cost. So, kindly consider this issue and fix it as soon as possible with high priority. Looking forward for your service.

Yours sincerely,
Noor

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi Cansha, Please could you give your valuable feedback on below essay.

Some people argue that technological inventions, such as mobile phones, are making society less interactive.

Agree or Disagree?

Many people assert that technological evolvement, such as cell phones have made the society less interactive [same word as question, bad, rephrase it somehow]. I wholly agree with this statement and also feel that technology has taken over the happiness of getting indulged in traditional ways of living life. [now, you are changing the subject ? do you realize this ? whole essay can go off topic, u will get 6 bands ]

Although, technological inventions have umpteen benefits into human’s life, however, there are numbers of disadvantages attached to it as well. For example – a cell phone invention is inarguably revolutionary which enables human to communicate with anyone sitting far away, however, the purpose of this evolution could have been well served if it was restricted for long distance calls only but it is seen that people use phone for almost every purpose where it used to be done through personal interactions. Owing to this, society by and large has become less social.

well you managed to stay on topic, but, no so strong argument or presentation of facts,
english is good though,
you just need to learn how to present your arguments, to persuade reader to believe in your view

Furthermore, internet has also contributed here in so many ways and by virtue of that reasons for interaction with one another has diminished significantly. For instance – almost a decade ago mostly people preferred to go to the banks personally as per their work requirements where they used to meet with known and unknown people. Whereas, majority of the people now a days manage their banking related matters through either their phones or computers by using online net banking service.
so far this is good, best , no problem, but

In addition, a new generation smart camera phones has also taken away the charm of having traditional reel cameras, where earlier people required help of others to click a picture which now not needed. Today people are virtually connected with each other through social media network but not personally.
this is bad, this new idea need more explanation, we all know this, but assume your reader just landed from some another planet, don't assume that your reader will use his/her brain, past info, anything for that matter.
keep one idea in one paragraph, its best thing to do.

In conclusion - it is undeniable that technological inventions have empowered humans and society, but it has impacted the society negatively at the same time by being less social.

keep writing like this one, concise conclusion. no mess.

-----
this essay can easily fetch 7, no problem at all, but eliminate few problems to be sure, that's all.

intro says
technology has taken over the happiness of getting indulged in traditional ways of living life.
but essay below, does not reflect that.

English is good, work on your presentation, you need very little work, and 7 will be sure,

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

somebody please evaluate my essay for writing task 2


Q) Doctors are concerned that people are not getting enough physical activity.

What are the causes ? what can be done ?

A lack of physical activity has got medical practitioners around the world concerned. Hectic work schedule and absence of sports facilities are the primary causes for this which can be tackled by planning on the part of the individuals and authorities.

good, neutral intro, i like these kind of intros, well paraphrased, good vocab, no issues.

People these days do not find adequate time to undertake sports and fitness related tasks due to extremely busy work life. Most people work for 10 hours a day and with the additional time they spend in traffic makes it impossible for the individuals to find time for leisure and play. Such a hectic programme makes an individual exhausted and hence they are not able to carry out any focused physical activity. Furthermore absence of proper access to open grounds and play areas has made it difficult to focus on physical fitness. For example, according to a recent newspaper survey all the open play fields have been converted to residential buildings in big cities.

well developed, no problem, smooth, easy transitions, no mess

Despite these issues proper planning by both the individuals and also authorities can inculcate a healthy lifestyle in the individuals. The individual can start using a bicycle to reach his [be careful, at first, it was the individual and then it become his ?, his is not needed, say "the work"] work which can assist him [him ?] in gaining fitness in his [??-try to make your essay gender neutral, the person, simple, not his/her etc etc] hectic schedule. Authorities however should make efforts and develop sports facilities in the society so that the community has access to physical activity centres. A playground area in every colony with free access will improve fitness and make the society healthier and alleviate the concerns of lack of physical activity.

english, vocab, logic, everything is good, in both para, great work

To sum up , the concern of doctors for the lack of physical movements is mainly due to lack of time and sports facilities which can be solved by the action of both the individuals and officials in the society.

one sentence, best thing you can do. keep doing it.

bands could be, 7 to 7.5 , easily, good man can give 8 maybe. but not less than 7.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Hi @cansha Please evaluate my essay, Many thanks in advance

Some people prefer to help by making donations to local charities while some prefer to donate to national & international organizations. Discuss both measures and give your opinion.

Although it is sometimes thought that donations should go to charities at regional levels, other people believe that donation is better spent with organisations working countrywide and globally. In my opinion, donation should be made at all levels considering needy people should be helped out everywhere.

good, no big issues,

In the first place [never write this again ] people who believe local charities are best use of donation have multiple reasons to state. Firstly, these small size organizations have less running expenses which leaves them with more amounts to spend on deserving people. Secondly, it helps donor to see community problems more closely which instigates further participation in community development. Lastly, donations going out to these groups also give them a feel of security when they see themselves how these charities are changing lives of people around them.

good, no big issues

On the contrary, the people who consider big charity organisations are best use of donations have various reasons to support their views. First of all, charity organisations operating all over the world have more insight of more deserving areas and have all the resources to reach out to the ones in dire need of help. Take Red Cross for example, they have their presence in the whole world and don’t take much time to camp wherever crisis rises. Also, people want to associate to these big names having their credibility recognized worldwide.

same, good

On my part, donations should be distributed among all the needy ones and to make that happen, charities working locally, nationally and internationally should be supported and encouraged to carry on their noble cause in all capacities. Small charities are necessary for community development while needy people in remote areas of different parts of the world only rely on these big charity organisations so the best way is to donate to both these types of charity organisations.

perfect, i would say.

To sum up, despite people having different views, I believe it would be much better practice if all the charities are supported equally as there are always deserving people connected to these groups and their only source of funds are donations of masses.

one sentence, perfect.

13 sentences, total, keep writing like this one.

keep them around 10 to 12, 14 max,

on band scale, 7 to 8, not less than 7 in any case, you stayed on topic, grammar, vocab, structures, all is good.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Please me edit and assign a band score. My exam in few days...
Task2: The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many counties.
Discuss some possible reasons for this increases and suggest solutions.

In recent times, teenage crimes are becoming more and more popular around the world.
this is odd
better: In last few decades, juvenile crime is on the rise in almost every nation around the world.
better: In last few decades, crime committed by teenagers is prevalent among all crimes.
This essay will discuss the reasons for this and proffer solutions.

The first reason for increasing teen's crimes is lack of parental supervision. The world is evolving and both mother and father tend to engage in full time jobs. This is not so in the past, where either of the parent stays home and monitor the children. For example, the mother being a full house wife, focusing on the upbringing and guidance of the children from childhood through the teenage years to adulthood. Another factor influencing the rise in teenage crime is boredom. A lot of young adults are left unoccupied after school hours, such teenagers maybe lured into crimes due to their idleness.

However, these challenges maybe tackled in the following ways: Firstly, the government should encourage flexible working schedules for workers in both the private and public sectors. This will allow employees work from home, have more time to guide and monitors their children and young adults activities. Also, parents should be encouraged to help their teenage child develop their innate skills. These can be done by enrolling them in skill developmental classes such as ballet dance class, drama class, choreography class and so on. Such teens are able to use their idle time creatively rather than engage in crimes.

As you can see [no I don't want to see anything, you better not write this thing ever again, please], there are various reasons for the increase in crime. But, solutions are available to tackle these issues. If enforced we maybe able to prevent further rise in crimes.

avoid, I, We, you,
you wrote, 3 sentences, in conclusion, make it one or two,

no big issues, can get 6.5 to 7, but not above 7, there are chances that you can mess it up in real exam, so prepare little more, so you can make sure, there's always a 7 band essay.

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

Please help me edit and assign band score.
Some prefer online courses to study and they think it is better. Others prefer classroom education. Discuss both views and share your opinion

Learning is important for the development of an individual and a nation. Arguably, some people support that studying online is better than learning in a classroom. Specific examples will be provided to discuss both views.

First, I will like to discuss [don't write this, its a mistake] the benefits of online courses and why it may be perceived better. The most important advantage of online courses is that it offers flexibility. This is because learning materials are uploaded on students portal and they are given a long time range to study and understand them. Students tend to have more time for themselves, plan their daily schedule or even pick up a job while schooling. In my opinion, this is the best thing about online courses and also explains why people prefer enrolling online. Another good example is that they are less expensive. The cost of transportation to and from school, the cost of buying cloths, shoes and bags to wear to school could be saved and invested in something more productive. For instance, the money saved may be invested in money market yielding more income for the investor.

everything else is good, no big issues.

On the other hand, classroom learning also offers some advantages. one of the major benefits is that it offers opportunity of meeting new people. Meeting people helps students develop their communication skills, have the opportunity of interacting with other people and make new friends. I think [don't write this, its a mistake] people can meet people through other avenues such as social media. Furthermore, students are able to ask lecturers questions during the lectures. During classroom lessons, there is two way communication between the Students and the teachers. The students can ask the lecturer immediately questions on any grey area on lessons taught and the teacher explains. This helps clarify students understand better and they may also ask friends or classmates to further explain any topic that seems difficult.

good, no big issues.

To conclude, both online and classroom learning clearly have their advantages. However, I think online courses are better than traditional class room lectures because of the flexibility and free time online classes offers.

good,

so, 7 to 7.5 easily, no problem in that, be careful about other things,

 

[H0peAndFa1th]

That's alright. Nothing we can do about it overnight anyway. So I got stuck again...on a Valentine's day. IELTS! why you so cold.

Here is how it has transpired so far:
Date - LRWS
14 Feb 19 - 8.0, 8.5, 6.5, 7.5
05 Jan 19 - 8.5, 7.0, 6.0, 7.0
10 Nov 18 - 8.5, 8.5, 6.5, 7.5
24 Sep 16 - 7.5, 8.5, 6.5, 8.0

I am contemplating taking a computer delivered test this time. Let's see how that fares.

Thanks!

you are consistent, i saw one of your essay today, it was one of the best essay in this thread.

what went wrong in the test ? was it IDP OR BC ?

did you practiced on computer ? or with pencil and paper ? yes this makes the difference.

did you wrote essay first or letter first in 14 feb exam ?

 

[Kashif ahmed]

good, neutral intro, i like these kind of intros, well paraphrased, good vocab, no issues.

well developed, no problem, smooth, easy transitions, no mess

english, vocab, logic, everything is good, in both para, great work



one sentence, best thing you can do. keep doing it.

bands could be, 7 to 7.5 , easily, good man can give 8 maybe. but not less than 7.

thanks for the time man,really appreciate it

 

[qaziarslantariq]

That's sad. Yes you can go for reevaluation but 1 band change is rare. But if money is not an issue do that. If you're re-booking IELTS again keep a gap of 6 weeks.

I got result of EOR. Score increased from 6 to 6.5. Was hoping for a 7 but couldn't get it.
Will be getting ready for third attempt now!