IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[cansha]

T


Thanks cansha for the analysis. I am great full for your time and energy you spend on each task. Regarding this essay, to be very true I fell short of ideas, though, I tried to be different in both bp's. In the former I tried to emphasize that people copy style icons and sales of fashion clothes endorsed by them shows inclination of copying. In second paragraph, I illustrated that while buying articles people try to follow a trend which most people are following by reading their feedback and change in sales of mobile phones over an year exemplifies this aspect. This was my thought process to be on topic and not include irrelevant things. If you can suggest some point pertaining to the topic , it would be great. Lastly, I will have my result on 26th and hopefully I will score the desired bands.

The way I would have handled it is take a balanced view. So the topic is " to what extent do you agree or disagree" ...

So may be I will keep para 1 and say yes clothes buying trends get impacted by trying to emulate their peers and fashion icons.

But in the next paragraph I will add one more dimension saying that for consumer goods I don't agree with the statement. In consumer goods, for example, mobile phones the trend is also being impacted by the changing technology. These days mobile technology is changing at a rapid pace and many a times older electronics are not really useful after a few years of use. Here you can give examples of added security features like finger print ID or Face ID, or new technology like apple pay / Android Pay which make life easier and hence people want it. Or just that newer apps are more resource intensive and hence you need a phone with a better RAM / processor. So basically, you buying new stuff is driven by technical limitation / advancement and not just because someone has a new phone. Makes sense?

 

[Akhil Soni]

The way I would have handled it is take a balanced view. So the topic is " to what extent do you agree or disagree" ...

So may be I will keep para 1 and say yes clothes buying trends get impacted by trying to emulate their peers and fashion icons.

But in the next paragraph I will add one more dimension saying that for consumer goods I don't agree with the statement. In consumer goods, for example, mobile phones the trend is also being impacted by the changing technology. These days mobile technology is changing at a rapid pace and many a times older electronics are not really useful after a few years of use. Here you can give examples of added security features like finger print ID or Face ID, or new technology like apple pay / Android Pay which make life easier and hence people want it. Or just that newer apps are more resource intensive and hence you need a phone with a better RAM / processor. So basically, you buying new stuff is driven by technical limitation / advancement and not just because someone has a new phone. Makes sense?

Absolutely. Brilliant is the word for the way you came up with this idea. Your strategy of jotting down ideas and arranging them is fantastic. The only thing is one needs to train the brain for this. I have little time left so will try and do what you have suggested.

 

[cansha]

Hii Cansha please evaluate my essay i had faced this in my real exam yesterday...

task 2
Far more attention is paid in the society on men's sport than women's sport .
What are the reasons behind this ?
Do you think its positive or negative situation

IN THIS MODERN ERA,SPORTS ARE BECOMING INCRESINGLY POPULAR AMONG ALL TYPES OF INDIVIDUALS INCLUDING BOTH SEXES gender is a better word.HOWEVER ,OFTENLY often is the word, there is no word called oftenly GOVERNMENT AND OTHER SPORTS ORGANISATION SPENT HIGH INCOME ON ONLY MEN's games due to some core reasons rather than women's sports activities .However,in my poing of view this tendency is negative due to unequlibrium there is no such word, just adding un doesn't make a word it's antonym among both genders.On the other hand,this is not an insurmountable problem if governments and sports organisation take some prudent decision to curtail with this issue.No with needed

There are a few grammatical errors. The introduction is not great but it is not bad either.

Initially,the two most significant reasons why high amount of money make only on men's sports activities as compared to female games. This sentence doesn't make any sense to me.

Firstly, high amount of salary:Men have handsome ration of incentives in each and every game rather than girls so government usually focus on them than girls. I'm sorry but I can't decipher the message in this

Secondly,Stronger availabilty of bone powers among men.What is bone power?

There are some rare games which only played by boys due to their high frequency of power
.Horse Sports competition,for instance,which is only played by men owing to their strongestness of power.In short these are two secondary reasons about this.

Honestly, I can't understand anything in this passage. I'm not sure if you have typed this with full concentration or not. There are far too many grammatical and vocab errors and even if I ignore those I'm unable to understand the argument.

On the contrary ,In my opinion , i believe that this notion is relatively adverse impact on society due to some reason.Why this I mean is that Society always take unequilibrium balance among boys ang girls due to their rights .To be more precise,girls have also rights to do those task which is only preferable for men so this is entirely unfare in the behalf of girls.On the other hand,this is not an issue if society take prudent decision to balance this tendency .

Same comments as above passage.

To encapsulate,this essay discussed some most significant reasons why money only invest on male's sports including high power of stronger availability of bones and handsome remunerations.However,in my opinion this notion is undoubtedly adverse impact on society due to unbalance in girls and boys .Personaly ,the sollution to cope with this is take careful decisions by sports managment as well as governments

I'm sorry but this essay is not very good either in content or in terms of English and Grammar. I'm not sure if it was written with full concentration. If it was then my first suggestion would be to take some time to read essays and also spend some time in revising grammar concepts.

 

[can_da]

Hi @cansha

Can you please review my below essay. Many thanks in advance!

Scientists believe that computers will become more intelligent than human beings. Some people find it a positive development while others think it is negative development. Discuss both points and give your own opinion.


It is believed by scientists that computers will surpass intellectual capabilities of humans. Although it is seen as constructive development by some people, others consider it a downside of such progress. In my opinion, I consider having more clever computers are in best interest of mankind.

On the one hand, a group of people is of the view that computers having more powerful brains is a bright side of modern era and I agree with that. Computer based machines will be less prone to making mistakes that normally humans do while performing different jobs. Hence, having fewer chances of mistakes in different operations will increase productivity of any task being performed using high tech machines. Also, modern machines will be able to add more quality to the final products to be consumed by humans, which will ultimately increase quality of life.

On the other hand, the idea of making computers more than human brain’s capacity is not welcomed by other people considering a numbers of factors. Their biggest reservation is scarcity of jobs, in other words, when machines will be more powerful and reliable than human, jobs performed by humans will be shifted to computers and this will be devastating for the world already fighting with unemployment. Moreover, human will become lazier towards routine life matters and would want machines to perform every single task and this will bring a whole lot of health issues.

In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinion, I think that computers with more accuracy and power are essential for future needs and having more intelligent computer will be a huge service to humanity.

 

[deepika_bohra]

The way I would have handled it is take a balanced view. So the topic is " to what extent do you agree or disagree" ...

So may be I will keep para 1 and say yes clothes buying trends get impacted by trying to emulate their peers and fashion icons.

But in the next paragraph I will add one more dimension saying that for consumer goods I don't agree with the statement. In consumer goods, for example, mobile phones the trend is also being impacted by the changing technology. These days mobile technology is changing at a rapid pace and many a times older electronics are not really useful after a few years of use. Here you can give examples of added security features like finger print ID or Face ID, or new technology like apple pay / Android Pay which make life easier and hence people want it. Or just that newer apps are more resource intensive and hence you need a phone with a better RAM / processor. So basically, you buying new stuff is driven by technical limitation / advancement and not just because someone has a new phone. Makes sense?

I understand your viewpoint but when the question is asking you to what extent you agree OR disagree then I believe one needs to focus only on agreement or disagreement and not both.

 

[cansha]

I understand your viewpoint but when the question is asking you to what extent you agree OR disagree then I believe one needs to focus only on agreement or disagreement and not both.

Essays are subjective and people may have differing view points. In my opinion, if they were looking for a yes or no question the essay topic will be simple do you agree or disagree. When someone asks me to what extent do I agree I don’t think the question is whether I agree 100% or not.

And I know many online classes suggest that choose either agree or disagree because they want people to avoid a situation where task response is not clear.

But I simply don’t agree with the viewpoint that “extent” of agreement or disagreement HAS to be 100%. If that were so they would not have it as a different kind of question.

It all boils down to how clear is the task response and depends on comfort level of the person writing the essay, how confident they will feel about their arguments.

Quite honestly, on this particular topic personally I would have to go with partial agreement because that’s how I feel about the topic.

 

[cansha]

Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.

To what extent do you agree?

According to a research by Harvard Business Review, a strong glass ceiling exist for females in almost all organizations of the world. Though a healthy proportion of women can be observed in companies but it is highly unlikely that they could reach a C-level position. Few people argue that there should a fixed quota for females in top level positions but I totally disagree with the notion. Top Level position should be awarded on the basis of performance only, regardless of the gender, as these positions decide the future of thousands of employees.
Introduction is fine till now. If you add the following line it is just too long. May be you could use that line in the body paragraphs.

This requirement will influence the selection of top leadership and it will be hard to find a competent women, as they are generally not taken seriously in business.

Good Introduction.

Executives are the decision makers and they are the driving force for the success for any organization The decisions they make do not effect them only but the entire workforce.
Such key positions should be awarded only on the basis of competence rather than just to fulfill an obligatory requirement. For example, one company might not find a suitable female candidate for a position but with this requirement, they will be bound to depute a female. Any attempt to do this will do not good to the company and society as a whole.

Ok clear idea flow.

Moreover, according to many researchers, women are generally not taken seriously in business. Besides this arguments sounds very sexist, which personally I don't like, but besides my personal dislike I find this a very weak argument. You need to find something better.

They may fail to earn necessary trust required to run and grow a business. The reason being lack of trust in women’s abilities and them being considered as a home maker. For instance, if a woman heads a corporate meetings, it is quite likely that people will not give enough heed to her, as compared to, if a man was speaking. It is very difficult for women to establish their credibility as compared to a man. Even if they become successful internally, they might not get desired response from customers or clients.

English is fine. I don't like the para.

Altogether, corporate leaders should be chosen on the basis of their achievements rather than a quota requirement. Women have much more difficult time to prove themselves as top leaders as compared to their counterpart men and one might end up being led by an incompetent boss.

 

[Moeedkh]

Good Introduction.



Ok clear idea flow.



English is fine. I don't like the para.

You are right... I was always having a feeling of sounding sexist.. but somehow this was the only reasoning occurred to me at that time.

 

[manishsharma240]

Hi, May someone please do the proof reading of below written essay, Although, I was bit too reluctant before posting it here but then thought I should give it try, I have prepared myself to see my essay gets ripped apart with errors, But this will certainly help me in improving. Thank you in advance...Also, I have never attempted any ielts exam as yet.

Question - The gap between rich and poor is widening very fast. What are the causes and effects of this widening gap? You may give solutions based on your knowledge and experience.


The level of disparity between wealthy & below poverty line people is getting bigger. There are multiple reasons and possible impact of the same on the country as a whole. This essay will discuss & try to find out some apparent ways out to curtail this rising issue.


The main prominent cause of this spread out gap is lack of literacy rate in poor which is to great extent helping in widening this gap further and at the same time it is also impacting on the economy of country adversely. The ratio into underprivileged people & affluent are becoming immense. Therefore, the government should enact some strict laws of having minimum education requirement for indigent people which might aid them to obtain a job and make their living better eventually & those who do not obey the law to be penalized.


In addition to the aforementioned statement, the ruling party of a country should also levy higher tax rates on the luxurious items by which they can generate funds that could be utilized for the welfare of needy people and shorten the huge gap. To illustrate, Sky-high expensive cars could be high taxed. Furthermore, the rapid increment in the birth rate of deprived people should also be one of the biggest concerns for the administration, as it can lead the country to among countries with worst living standard. The authorities should implement one child policy which would certainly be beneficial for the poor family gradually, as they could focus and give best upbringing to their one kid rather than two or three. The admin should introduce policies to lure less well-off individuals, for an example, family with one child would be given the priority to avail government offered benefits, on the contrary the services and facilities should be banned/restricted to those who have more than one child & do not abide by the law. subsequently, parents of more than a single child will not be eligible to get an opportunity to serve in any government department which I believe could be an eye opener for an educated society overall


In conclusion, the imbalance of two hugely different living standards societies should be minimized at earliest before it turns out to be an uncontrollable phenomenon as this situation could only be detrimental for the country at large in a long run.

 

[p_u]

I don't know if you have even read my reviews of your 2 tasks 1s. So I will review this essay but not the next one. There are a lot of essays to review and don't want to spend time reviewing if you are not going to read those reviews. And even if you are reading reviews it will be better that you follow the reviews and write the essays by following some basic suggestions. For example, at least have a space between two sentences. It is easy to fix and much better to read for me. Thanks!



I didn't understand what you wanted to say in the last line of the introduction. Also, similar error as in Task 1 where you are using wrong verb forms.


Ok the good thing is that the passage structure is good. You start with argument, support it and then give example. So that's good. However, the English, Phrasing, Grammar is not up to the mark.


I'm very sorry. I don't want to be harsh or discourage you. But, please read a bit more and spend time reading your own work.

Thank you @cansha for evaluating my essay. I am reviewing all your comments and focusing to improve it. Thanks for your time to spent on my tasks.

 

[p_u]

Also, comment on this paragraph and all paragraphs following it. WHY there is no space between two sentences. First I thought it may be a typo error but you literally don't have a space between any of the sentences. I hope you don't write this way on paper.




Okay I don't want to be harsh but this paragraph has a lot of spelling and grammar issues. The content is fine but it could have been written in a much better way. My suggestion is that you please start reading a lot of essays as well as other English magazines.



You will have to work hard. I see you have already sent multiple essays and letters for reviews. It won't help to send everything in one go unless you learn from your previous reviews.

So the positive is you understand the task and you know how to provide task response. Your ideas are correct. But, sadly your English needs to be much better than this.

@cansha Thank you for your time. I am trying hard to improve my grammar.

 

[cansha]

@cansha Thank you for your time. I am trying hard to improve my grammar.

No worries. It's good that you took the comments in positive way and are already working on the grammar bit. My suggestion is do not attempt essays for a week or so and just revise the grammar concepts. Once you are more comfortable start writing essays.

 

[cansha]

You had a good meal in a local restaurant with your family. Write a letter to the newspaper to tell them about it, describe the meal you had, and why you think the restaurant is worth visiting.

Who comes up with such topics. This is hilarious! Who writes a letter to newspaper after a good meal. Insane

Dear Editor,

I am writing this letter to share with you a wonderful dining experience I had at a local restaurant. After a long time, I have come across an authentic Mexican restaurant in the city, providing the real taste of the origin.

Good

It is a new restaurant named as ‘Nando’ opened located at 26th street DHA. I visited the place last weekend and found it amazing. I ordered their peri- peri chicken and Espedata. The food was superb with right balance of spices. Chicken was well- done and juicy drenched in some delicious sauces. On the sidelines sides, they served boiled vegetables which complemented the taste so well. After the meal, I had their chocolate cake in desert wrong word. There is a difference of one s dessert and found it equally delicious. I think this place is great place for diners craving for spicy food.

I want you to publish my review in your newspaper as my recommendation to other people. Looking forward to read it in your newspaper.


Your’s Truly,

AMK[/QUOTE]


I think it is good for task 1. I don't think you should face any issues to tackle task 1 on exam.

 

[cansha]

Hi @cansha

Can you please review my below essay. Many thanks in advance!

Scientists believe that computers will become more intelligent than human beings. Some people find it a positive development while others think it is negative development. Discuss both points and give your own opinion.

It is believed by scientists that computers will surpass intellectual capabilities of humans. Very good paraphrasing of the topic line. Superb!

Although it is seen as constructive development by some people, others consider it a downside of such progress. Not so good

In my opinion, I consider having more clever computers are is in the best interest of mankind. Wrong use of are. your subject is not computers.. your subject is "having" computers and hence is not are.

I loved the first line of introduction. It was very nice paraphrasing of the topic line. But overall, I felt the introduction lacked "punch". It was not bad but could have been better if you gave a glimpse of the essay.

On the one hand, I have no problem with this. But, this construct is now really overused on IELTS. It is not wrong but my suggestion is try and learn a few more ways of beginning a body paragraph.
a group of people is are group of people is plural and hence are not is of the view that computers having more powerful brains is a bright side of modern era and I agree with that. See English wise nothing is wrong with this sentence but there is no new information. It is almost a paraphrasing of your introduction para. Use your first line to add a "punch".

Computer based machines will be less prone to making mistakes that normally humans do while performing different jobs. See this is good line. think how can bring the main idea in the very first line itself.

Hence, having fewer chances of mistakes in different operations will increase productivity of any task being performed using high tech machines. Also, modern machines will be able to add more quality to the final products to be consumed by humans, which will ultimately increase quality of life.

I like the idea and flow. I think first line can be avoided and the idea support could be a little better. But, nevertheless it is fine. But, I can see that you can write much better than this.

On the other hand, the idea of making computers more than human brain’s capacity is not welcomed by other people considering a numbers of factors. Same comment as above

Their biggest reservation is scarcity of jobs, in other words, when machines will be more powerful and reliable than human, jobs performed by humans will be shifted to computers and this will be devastating for the world already fighting with unemployment.

Moreover, human will become lazier towards routine life matters and would want machines to perform every single task and this will bring a whole lot of health issues.

Ok fine.

In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinion, I think that computers with more accuracy and power are essential for future needs and having more intelligent computer will be a huge service to humanity.

Conclusion is weak... doesn't revisit main ideas in the essay.


Okay final comments - You definitely have good command over the language. There are big grammar issues. Your vocab is good.

My suggestions are that work on your structure a bit. So let's take this essay. If you have an essay where you have to argue both sides and give opinion, keep the stronger side towards the end of the essay.

So in this essay you are saying "smarter computers is good". But if you look at body paragraphs. Your paragraph where you argue smarter computers are bad is stronger than your actual opinion paragraph. You give two arguments in that paragraph vs where you argue smarter computers are better.

A better structure in my opinion ( You can disagree and disregard )

Intro

First para ... why smarter computers are bad ... Give one reason

Second para ... mitigate the reason in para 1 by some argument ... add additional reason why they are good ... Now side of good is better than bad

So finally conclude see they are bad for this reason but this reason is mitigated by that reason and in addition we have xyz reason which overall makes smarter computers a much better bet.

All the best!

 

[cansha]

Hi, May someone please do the proof reading of below written essay, Although, I was bit too reluctant before posting it here but then thought I should give it try, I have prepared myself to see my essay gets ripped apart with errors, But this will certainly help me in improving. Thank you in advance...Also, I have never attempted any ielts exam as yet.

Question - The gap between rich and poor is widening very fast. What are the causes and effects of this widening gap? You may give solutions based on your knowledge and experience.

Welcome to the thread! Posting an essay for public review definitely requires a lot of courage. I don't have it. So I appreciate your courage.

Disclaimer - I'm not an expert. I've never been an IELTS examiner. I have no clue how they mark the essays. All suggestions I offer are my own and I have my own logic to offer them. You can disregard and disagree with them.

Finally, if I point out a mistake (which I think is a mistake) is no way intended to make you feel bad or is an attempt to show I know better. So take the reviews with as less emotions as possible.

The level of disparity between wealthy & below poverty line people is getting bigger. Good paraphrasing.

There are multiple reasons and possible impact of the same on the country as a whole. Give more than this in introduction. Some more glimpse in to the essay.

This essay will discuss & try to find out some apparent ways out to curtail this rising issue. Avoid this line of IELTS essay.

For the last line my comment is based on ieltsliz. Many people follow her for writing and I personally followed her blog. See this link where the last line of your essay appears in top 10 lines to avoid on IELTS essay. http://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-tips-sentences-to-avoid/

The main prominent use one of these words cause of this spread out gap is lack of literacy rate in poor which is to great extent helping in widening this gap further and at the same time it is also impacting on the economy of country adversely.

The ratio into underprivileged people & affluent are becoming immense. Wrong phrasing.

Therefore, the government should enact some strict laws of having minimum education requirement for indigent people which might aid them to obtain a job and make their living better eventually & those who do not obey the law to be penalized. You are off topic here.

In addition to the aforementioned statement, the ruling party of a country should also levy higher tax rates on the luxurious items by which they can generate funds that could be utilized for the welfare of needy people and shorten the huge gap.

To illustrate, Sky-high expensive cars could be high taxed.

Furthermore, the rapid increment in the birth rate of deprived people should also be one of the biggest concerns for the administration, as it can lead the country to among countries with worst living standard.

The authorities should implement one child policy which would certainly be beneficial for the poor family gradually, as they could focus and give best upbringing to their one kid rather than two or three.

The admin should introduce policies to lure less well-off individuals, for an example, family with one child would be given the priority to avail government offered benefits, on the contrary the services and facilities should be banned/restricted to those who have more than one child & do not abide by the law. subsequently, parents of more than a single child will not be eligible to get an opportunity to serve in any government department which I believe could be an eye opener for an educated society overall This whole thing is difficult to read. Full stops and commas are off.

There are quite a few grammar issues. But besides that why do you have paragraph 2 almost double the length of body para 1. Also, I think you have not done the task response very well. This whole para is focused on solution part of the question but the first para did not address cause and effect that well.

In conclusion, the imbalance of two hugely different living standards societies should be minimized at earliest before it turns out to be an uncontrollable phenomenon as this situation could only be detrimental for the country at large in a long run.

Good conclusion should revisit the main points of the essay. I think there were a lot of ideas in the solution paragraph of the essay but the essay was a little thin on the first ask of the task. As such I think for this essay the task response is not as good as it could have been.