How to cope with a spouse who has recently landed?

[Habibti]

I have difficulty to find information about the post-landing period and I don't know how to cope with my husband from Morocco. He landed on January 19 and there have been ups and downs since then. There are times he takes his distance from me. He is usually very warm, loving, caring and affectionate with me. But when he withdraws from the marriage, it hits me hard. For example, I worked hard all week and after work today, he told me he would take the bus at 6:20 pm to spend the evening at the mosque and won't be home before 10:30 pm. I was not expecting that. My son is not home tonight and I thought we would take this opportunity to have a romantic evening.

It took 5 years to live together in Canada, after many sacrifices (especially on my part) and lots of suffering. Before he left tonight, I could see and feel there was something wrong with him. I asked him to tell me. He said he misses his country, his family and his friends and he needed time by himself. He also told me he loves me and he wants me to leave him alone for some time.

Are there any couples who went through this situation or are still going through? I feel let down and I don't know how to cope in order not to aggravate the situation. Also are there any books or articles on Internet about this topic? How much time an immigrant needs to "feel at home" in his new country? what are the emotional cycles? what to do to help him? For five years, my life (his too) has been put on hold and now that we can start a life together, I feel sad that it is not fully happening.

 

[Iay]

This is more like an emotional issue than immigration issue, but I guess it's still rooted from the immigration "culture shock".

The way I see it, as long as he assures you that he loves you and your child, you don't need to worry too much yet. In any kind of relationship, even in marriage, even how long you have been together, you still need to adjust with each other EVERYDAY.
For now, give him what he needs, and that is time to be alone. I'm pretty sure he's just adjusting to the new environment, esp the set-up of living together with a person he hasn't seen for a long time.

Give him some time to adjust. Whatever happens, make him feel that you support his feelings and that you are willing to help him if he needs anything to make him adjust to his situation. Do not overthink things and make sure that if he's in a bad mood, you try to keep yourself calm and do not aggravate the situation.

I'm pretty sure many more couples here have been married longer and can give you better advice. But again, as long as he says that he loves you and your kid, that is an assurance that the love is there, he just needs more time to adjust to his new life/culture of being in Canada with you

God bless!

 

[Habibti]

This is more like an emotional issue than immigration issue, but I guess it's still rooted from the immigration "culture shock".

The way I see it, as long as he assures you that he loves you and your child, you don't need to worry too much yet. In any kind of relationship, even in marriage, even how long you have been together, you still need to adjust with each other EVERYDAY.
For now, give him what he needs, and that is time to be alone. I'm pretty sure he's just adjusting to the new environment, esp the set-up of living together with a person he hasn't seen for a long time.

Give him some time to adjust. Whatever happens, make him feel that you support his feelings and that you are willing to help him if he needs anything to make him adjust to his situation. Do not overthink things and make sure that if he's in a bad mood, you try to keep yourself calm and do not aggravate the situation.

I'm pretty sure many more couples here have been married longer and can give you better advice. But again, as long as he says that he loves you and your kid, that is an assurance that the love is there, he just needs more time to adjust to his new life/culture of being in Canada with you

God bless!

Thank you so much! I don't know if he loves my son lol as he is not his son. My son is 17 from a previous marriage. I know it is not an immigration issue as we are used to see here, but it is still a matter of immigration and it is unfortunate we tend to forget people after their immigration process is completed. I wish there would be books or support groups for the immigrants and also for their spouses so they can have a better understanding and the right approach.

By the way, I found this useful article and I am hoping it could be useful to other people in the future:

http://www.deborahswallow.com/2010/05/16/overcoming-culture-shock/

 

[Polgas]

I have difficulty to find information about the post-landing period and I don't know how to cope with my husband from Morocco. He landed on January 19 and there have been ups and downs since then. There are times he takes his distance from me. He is usually very warm, loving, caring and affectionate with me. But when he withdraws from the marriage, it hits me hard. For example, I worked hard all week and after work today, he told me he would take the bus at 6:20 pm to spend the evening at the mosque and won't be home before 10:30 pm. I was not expecting that. My son is not home tonight and I thought we would take this opportunity to have a romantic evening.

It took 5 years to live together in Canada, after many sacrifices (especially on my part) and lots of suffering. Before he left tonight, I could see and feel there was something wrong with him. I asked him to tell me. He said he misses his country, his family and his friends and he needed time by himself. He also told me he loves me and he wants me to leave him alone for some time.

Are there any couples who went through this situation or are still going through? I feel let down and I don't know how to cope in order not to aggravate the situation. Also are there any books or articles on Internet about this topic? How much time an immigrant needs to "feel at home" in his new country? what are the emotional cycles? what to do to help him? For five years, my life (his too) has been put on hold and now that we can start a life together, I feel sad that it is not fully happening.

I know what your going through right now i feel you, but trust me later on hope everything is gonna be alright.

 

[Habibti]

OUPS! Wrong link above. Here is the right one. It is about the 5 Stage Culture Shock:

http://www.deborahswallow.com/2010/05/15/the-classic-5-stage-culture-shock-model/

 

[Nevaeha]

Awww Habibti, I'm so sorry that you and your husband are both hurting right now. May the both of you and your marriage be blessed as you work through this.

I hope people that have/had similar experiences will comment and help you during this time.

 

[MadeInCanada]

When I first went to my husbands country, it was very hard for me too. I felt like I was lost and alone in a city of over a million. I can relate to his feelings. While my husband was working I was alone, and honestly a little intimidated by my surrounding. Making friends was out of the question due to the language barrier(or so I thought, I did eventually make nice with the ladies on either side of my balcony (while hanging laundry), a mix of hand gestures, very broken Arabic/English and we pulled through). ;D

There were times I cried, times I was mad at myself (for the crying and for being lonely) times when I too, as dumb as it sounds wanted to be alone, but not once did loving my husband waiver. I missed trees, and grass, I missed going for walks or to the park. I hated the heat and dust! Everything I took for granted in my "normal" surroundings seemed to be what I needed to survive.

I felt guilty for it too, tried to hold it in, to not burden my husband with my "silly thoughts". How could I be so sad but really so happy? We were together?! What was wrong with me? I thought he would think I was being selfish or silly. Or maybe even question how much/if I loved him.

I told him of course, he listened, he understood, we both knew there was really nothing to be done to fix it. They weren't about to water the lot beside us just so I could have grass... We went out more, I took Arabic lessons, and so on. I slowly started to feel less of an outcast, the neighbor ladies were great talk to. It didn't go away completely but it became manageable.

My advice, give him time. Try not to take it personally. Albeit that will be hard if he chooses to shut you out. Be there when he does come to you. Before that make sure the lines of communication are open. That he knows you know he is struggling, that you are there for him.

Take comfort that he was aware that it could hurt you and he tried to reassure you by telling you he loves you.

I have read some of your other posts, your an admirable woman. Your strength and perseverance are commendable.

I wish you all the best!

Perhaps this is not a direct immigration issue. However, we come here in need of help, we share our troubles/fears, highs and lows. It creates a sense of trust and understanding, giving comfort in a process that really offers none. Members on this forum can rely on each other for that.

I think that you coming back even after your partner has landed, continuing to help others even though you are no longer in "need" of the forum per se (there are quite a few others too) should feel you can post even if it is not relative to forms or the process. Returning looking for compassion, guidance or emotional support, that is what you deserve.

 

[Steph C]

I think he needs to find other men he can talk to.. maybe he needs friends and is lonely.. he can find other guys at the Mosque that will speak his language, right?

I guess you visited his country and you remember the feeling that you lose all sense of empowerment, even simple things like making your favourite snack or freedom of movement are restricted.

Try and avoid micromanaging him and let him have the freedom to find his way and make his own small mistakes.. life sucks when you can't even boil a kettle or work the taps! But it sucks even more when somebody is hovering over you telling you how to do it! It can be really emasculating for a guy to be in a circumstance where he loses all control, and has to be looked after for everything. If you could help him get some of his freedom with a small thing like a bike to go to the mosque when he wants.. or ask him to fix some things around the house.. a way for him to feel useful and needed ;D

I think you're doing the right thing by standing back and letting him do his thing.. he will figure it out, and the most important thing is that he's still there and you're together

 

[amikety]

I've always found one of the biggest changes from long distance to in person with a relationship is the amount of personal space. When you're far apart, it's easy to take your space as you need it. In person, it can be a lot harder. I always felt there was that pressure for things to be 'perfect' now too, because we were finally together - when in fact we all know nothing is perfect. (The imperfections are what make us all unique and interesting!)

Especially with the time differences from Morrocco to Canada, I would consider that he doesn't have enough "me" time, in addition to the culture shock others have mentioned.

The good news is, it will get better for him. When I first moved from Ohio to Georgia, I might as well have moved to a different country. I couldn't understand their accents and their cultures was weird to me. It took about 7 years before I decided I loved it and enjoyed living there! But finally one day, I loved it and never though I would leave. It became a much bigger part of who I am than my life in Ohio before.

*hugs* Communication is the best remedy! Have a good talk and see if he can help you help him!

 

[Habibti]

This morning I would like to thank everyone who left a reply on my post. Your feedback is amazing and so much valued!

Finally, my husband came back with the last bus, the midnight one. I don't know if my reaction was normal when he was gone. All the emotions I went through during the application of the visa, the denied visa, the full hearing, the refusal after the full hearing, the wait for the visa, the long periods of separation from my husband for more than 4 years, my life put on hold, the heavy load of work (working 3 jobs 7 days a week) in order to earn enough money to visit him and pay for the appeal, all these emotions came back full force last night. Believe me... I endured so much and I had to put up with so many things for almost 5 years. The anxiety was so intense I had to lie down on my bed. When I got up around 10:30 pm to walk my dog, I felt my heart squeezing and bleeding and my legs shaky as if they were made of cotton candy.

My husband said he would be back with the 10:00 pm or 11:00 pm bus. He came back with the last one at midnight as he took the wrong bus from the mosque (it takes 3 bus from the mosque to home). During that time, he did not bother to call me to say he would be late as he took the wrong bus or to ask me to pick him up. Later he told me he did not want to disturb me. On top of my anxiety, I had to deal with worry.

He came to bed and he just wanted me to hug me tight. I could not bear his touching me. I tried to push him away as I was having a strong attack of anxiety. He kept taking me back in his arms, holding me with so much strength that I stopped fighting. We fell asleep that way.

He told me that even though he spent the afternoon in a mosque (a different one close to my work where the Muslims are not Moroccan and Arabic), he needed to go to the other mosque where there are Moroccans and Arabic men. He badly needed to speak Arabic and be among men with the same culture as him. He told me he still feels like a stranger in my country and to leave him some time. He said that he felt so low that he decided that from now on he will spend his Friday nights at that mosque. I guess his request is reasonable.

Each time I write a post, I have the hope to help someone in the future who will go through the same things as me so that person will have a better understanding and tolerance of all the adjustments.

 

[gsize]

you are a very special lady. Hopefully, your husband will understand that. Give him some time. You can then asses things properly. Hopefully, it will work out for the 2 of you.

I particularily admire, that you continue to help others in this forum after your Immigration issues have concluded. 8)

 

[MzTee]

This morning I would like to thank everyone who left a reply on my post. Your feedback is amazing and so much valued!

Finally, my husband came back with the last bus, the midnight one. I don't know if my reaction was normal when he was gone. All the emotions I went through during the application of the visa, the denied visa, the full hearing, the refusal after the full hearing, the wait for the visa, the long periods of separation from my husband for more than 4 years, my life put on hold, the heavy load of work (working 3 jobs 7 days a week) in order to earn enough money to visit him and pay for the appeal, all these emotions came back full force last night. Believe me... I endured so much and I had to put up with so many things for almost 5 years. The anxiety was so intense I had to lie down on my bed. When I got up around 10:30 pm to walk my dog, I felt my heart squeezing and bleeding and my legs shaky as if they were made of cotton candy.

My husband said he would be back with the 10:00 pm or 11:00 pm bus. He came back with the last one at midnight as he took the wrong bus from the mosque (it takes 3 bus from the mosque to home). During that time, he did not bother to call me to say he would be late as he took the wrong bus or to ask me to pick him up. Later he told me he did not want to disturb me. On top of my anxiety, I had to deal with worry.

He came to bed and he just wanted me to hug me tight. I could not bear his touching me. I tried to push him away as I was having a strong attack of anxiety. He kept taking me back in his arms, holding me with so much strength that I stopped fighting. We fell asleep that way.

He told me that even though he spent the afternoon in a mosque (a different one close to my work where the Muslims are not Moroccan and Arabic), he needed to go to the other mosque where there are Moroccans and Arabic men. He badly needed to speak Arabic and be among men with the same culture as him. He told me he still feels like a stranger in my country and to leave him some time. He said that he felt so low that he decided that from now on he will spend his Friday nights at that mosque. I guess his request is reasonable.

Each time I write a post, I have the hope to help someone in the future who will go through the same things as me so that person will have a better understanding and tolerance of all the adjustments.

Hi Habibti,

This brought tears to my eyes. I hope this period passes and it all becomes a memory someday. This post helped me indeed. My hubby is not here yet and I just started the process but I can tell you that life has been hard. I go through so many wave of emotions and, sometimes, I feel I am going crazy! Although I want him here so badly, I keep wondering how it is going to be like. I am such an independent woman, who loves her personal space and I know it will take alot of adjusting. And him coming here will be hard as well but he has extended family here so it should be easier on him

Thank you so much for this post. I hope you and your hubby feel better and things change.

 

[AnaMaria]

One of many very effective ways to deal with the difficult times like his is to get peer support; getting supports from those who share the similar experiences, in a familiar surroundings. It is important to feel and be assured of belonging to a community. I suppose in his case, it is the mosque where he can meet and talk to fellow Moroccans. Immigration and settling process can be very harsh and can destroy all our (immigrants) confidence and meaning in life. It is important to find his place and re-establish his self esteem. Sometimes it is easier and effective to do that outside of family.

My partner does understand my situation and listen to what I have to say but he does not fully understand what I've been through. I am involved with a few immigrants programs to expand my network, to support ourselves and move forward. These programs help me a lot going through my settlement process in a different way as my partner does.

Remember HE LOVES YOU and is fighting his own dilemma to be with you.

 

[Habibti]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your replies and your personal messages. My husband and I discussed until 2:00 am last night and it was very fruitful! We understood each other better and we were able to reach out.

My husband learned today his grand-father (the father of his mother) passed away. He is in shock. He was very close to him as he spent his summers on his farm and visited him many other times. I see him sad and longing to be next to his mother and support her. To be also with his brothers and his grand-mother and all the rest of the family. His mind and heart are not here, but there in Morocco. I can imagine how hard it must be on him, this is an additional challenge he has not foreseen!

 

[papirico]

That's precisely the thing with people from other cultures and worlds apart...
I remember acquaintances from where I'm from that would have a terrible time going to Germany on long-term work assignments, a country so different with a language so foreign to begin with. Most of them would miss the culture and family and ended up returning in matter of weeks. I can only imagine how alien must feel for someone from Morocco to be here.
And then there's the international marriages, while the mix is quite exotic and interesting, the differences in culture and habits will always be there. It's easier to fail in them than within your own culture, religion and race.
No easy answer.
But I've always said it: where there's a will, there's a way and love will always prevail.
If there is no love and will, it won't.