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Hello there, could you please check my essay and comment on it. Thank you

Akhil7520

Newbie
Sep 21, 2018
2
0
In this present globalized world, social media is playing important role in people’s day-to-day lives. The effect of overuse or, right use of social media could be both positive and negative respectively. Overall, I believe social medias are responsible for- knowing what is happening in the world at present, helping make friends who could be outgoing, however, people are so obsessed with it that the tend to forget their daily routines.

Firstly, social network sites consist of many blogs and stories from different personalities and firms. For instance, facebook does the same and, people can always learn a plethora of knowledge from it. Of course in the realm, many articles can be found emphasizing or advocating pessimistic endeavors: religious intolerance, war, pornography, and others, which can always be ignored and discarded.

Also, it helps to make good friends. How shy you have always been in your life, there is a guarantee that you can make friends. There are times in our lives when we struggle to make friends, being lonely could make us idle and, to utmost limit could result into frustration. To epitomize, I found my girlfriend on whatsapp, we are so well bonded that now we are married.

However, lack of security and obsession with these sites could be a pain in the neck at times. People upload their profiles and important data on the sites; others know what type of person you are. Sometimes, these aspects can be detrimental because, it is easy to breach on the internet; various news are found about cyber-crimes nowadays. Another negative point may be usage of social sites throughout the hours. It has become very problematic as people tend to forget their daily routines, as a result, they are becoming increasingly obese.

In conclusion, social media have largely positive influence in people’s lives but, government and society alike should be clever enough to know about its drawbacks, therefore, possible measures should be applied.
 

Raj365

Newbie
Aug 18, 2018
8
1
Please do input the title as well when you post the essays, so that it becomes easy to relate. I don't know what exactly is the topic but still after reading it, I think it is good overall with close to 7 band.
 
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Akhil7520

Newbie
Sep 21, 2018
2
0
Please do input the title as well when you post the essays, so that it becomes easy to relate. I don't know what exactly is the topic but still after reading it, I think it is good overall with close to 7 band.
thank you for the comment.
 

H0peAndFa1th

Hero Member
Jun 19, 2017
485
471
you can take a look at this thread

https://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/threads/ielts-writing-for-band-7-or-above.540392/


In this present globalized world, social media is playing important role in people’s day-to-day lives. The effect of overuse or, right use of social media could be both positive and negative respectively. Overall, I believe social medias are responsible for- knowing what is happening in the world at present, helping make friends who could be outgoing, however, people are so obsessed with it that the tend to forget their daily routines.
first two line are correct, but third one is not, it feels odd and not smooth.

but your attempt to show glimpse of what are you about to talk is good, its coherence and cohesion (C&C).

Firstly, social network sites consist of many blogs and stories from different personalities and firms. For instance, facebook does the same and, people can always learn a plethora of knowledge from it. Of course in the realm, many articles can be found emphasizing or advocating pessimistic endeavors: religious intolerance, war, pornography, and others, which can always be ignored and discarded.
the use of ':' is considered as higher band thing, so good for you. I am sure you can learn to use ";"

Colon: a punctuation mark :)) used to precede a list of items, a quotation, or an expansion or explanation.
semi-colon : a punctuation mark (;) indicating a pause, typically between two main clauses, that is more pronounced than that indicated by a comma.


Also, it helps to make good friends. How shy you have always been in your life, there is a guarantee that you can make friends. There are times in our lives when we struggle to make friends, being lonely could make us idle and, to utmost limit could result into frustration. To epitomize, I found my girlfriend on whatsapp, we are so well bonded that now we are married.
your attempt to connect paragraphs using "also" is good for C&C. its 7+ band thing.

nice vocabulary, word use is also good. smooth is reading. no confusion or mess.

However, lack of security and obsession with these sites could be a pain in the neck at times. People upload their profiles and important data on the sites; others know what type of person you are. Sometimes, these aspects can be detrimental because, it is easy to breach on the internet; various news are found about cyber-crimes nowadays. Another negative point may be usage of social sites throughout the hours. It has become very problematic as people tend to forget their daily routines, as a result, they are becoming increasingly obese.
again use of "however" is attempt to connect paragraphs, good. keep doing it.
"a pain in the neck at times" nice use of idiomatic language.
"; " wow happy to see it here. you can consider my suggestion above, invalid.
use of Apposition is good. "Sometimes, these aspects can be detrimental because,it is easy to breach"


In conclusion, social media have largely positive influence in people’s lives but, government and society alike should be clever enough to know about its drawbacks, therefore, possible measures should be applied.
one line conclusion is always great, yours is the best one.

There is everything that is required for a 7 band essay, even more if you ask me.

only one suggestion/question , will you be able to write the same on paper in test conditions, to make sure, practice more on paper.
if you can write something like this on paper in 30 minutes, you will get 7 or more bands for sure.
 
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