So I finally received an update today:
Thank you for your interest in studying in Canada. After careful review of your study permit application and supporting documentation, I have determined that your application does not meet the requirements of the Immigration and Refugee Protection Act (IRPA) and Immigration and Refugee Protection Regulations (IRPR). I am refusing your application on the following grounds:
• I am not satisfied that you will leave Canada at the end of your stay, as stipulated in subsection 216(1) of the IRPR, based on the purpose of your visit.
I think my second complaint may have had something to do with it, in any case lately i've started to like where i'm living now and stopped being interested in paying the extortionate international tuition fees and living in a Toronto basement, so this works out for me!
I'm still pretty damned outraged that they took 7 and a half months to give me a decision though.