A strain on your relationship?

[bonitanita]

I am very curious to know what it's like for other people? Going through this process, how much, if any strain does this put on your relationship?

Waiting for this to come through has put a lot of stress on us. We argue more than ever because of money (since I can't work) and because we can't make plans since we have no idea what's happening.

Wondering if you'd care to share your views/experiences.

 

[Halfmoon]

Hi Bonitanita....I think I got all the letters in hehehe...

Why don't you join our other thread....plenty there to help you with some advice.

http://www.canadavisa.com/canada-immigration-discussion-board/love-or-opportunity-coffee-social-t124394.300.html

 

[McDutch]

It's common.

Making it through this as a couple is a good indicator you'll be fine later on though.
I can't imagine any other situation that gives a relationship a bigger beating than this.

(Disclaimer: Once you are together, you are still gonna argue over things)

 

[R151NG5UN]

Hey Bonitanita,

Yes it puts immense stress on most (obviously the longer it drags on the worse it is). I was constantly talking about how my life is completely on hold and I am in limbo and I guess it really frustrated my wife because she wanted to spend time and not have to hear how unhappy I was. Once end of October came and went and we entered November it was pretty unrelenting and we never fought but as much as I love my wife, I don't think she really appreciated exactly what situation I was in.

Well if we ever do decide to swap roles a long time down the road in the future and I sponsor her to become a U.K PR then I guess I will know exactly what it will be like for her and the frustrations she will have whilst waiting circumstances depending. Obviously it is likely to be a bit easier as we will both be able to work in Canada and be together while we wait.

I can honestly say this has been the hardest time of my life and would not wish the stress on my worst enemy. I can only imagine how countries who have 12 month+ waiting times feel.

 

[parker24]

I'm in the same boat.

I barely work due to the fact I'm on-call for several jobs and hubby obviously can't work so it's stressful and we have had arguments about money. But we also have my parents letting us stay with them so it helps.

It doesn't matter if you go through immigration or not, there's always going to be some sort of strain in your marriage/relationship. Money, children, family, work, etc.

 

[aerogurl87]

It's made us have to cut back on our spending since I'm no longer working, and that's been hard. My boyfriend has been really supportive though, although he says he can't wait for me to go back to work. We want to build a house in the next few years, but until my PR comes through, that will be put on the backburner, which means no children either since we can't have children in our apartment. What really annoys me is seeing his family. They have no idea about what's involved in going through this and for some reason seem to think the process doesn't include much other than paying a fee and then waiting a few weeks to get an answer. It's why I sometimes dread seeing them, because all they ever ask me is "why don't you go to school" or "why can't you work right now?" Well I can't go to school because we are barely being able to make it now, adding thousands of dollars that we don't have to the situation would make it worse. And I can't work because legally I'm not allowed to and refuse to get paid under the table as some of them have alluded to as being a great solution for me.

 

[sunsun]

Same here....
I can't work too because my application is in process . I and my wife can't plan for future . Sometimes I wish I can work/volunteer in CIC and helping speed up the applications so people who are genuine marriage will united ASAP....
Living in Canada and just staying at home has made me very shamed as a man because I hate to see my wife alone working and I just don't know what should I do , how can I help her at least contribution...
I hope CIC will change the rule of processing time inland faster....

 

[Isometry]

Both of us felt like our lives were in limbo. When we were apart, we would both gradually get more depressed and irritable and start arguing over nothing, but then as soon as we could have our next visit we were both happy and content and more in love than ever. Of course, after the visit ended we'd gradually start getting depressed again. My grandmother said that we weren't properly married if we weren't living together, and why didn't we just move in? After all, I'm American, he's Canadian, it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Long distance is terrible, and long distance when you're waiting on something wholly out of your control is worse. The strains for a couple that's waiting together are different, but still there.

 

[aerogurl87]

Both of us felt like our lives were in limbo. When we were apart, we would both gradually get more depressed and irritable and start arguing over nothing, but then as soon as we could have our next visit we were both happy and content and more in love than ever. Of course, after the visit ended we'd gradually start getting depressed again. My grandmother said that we weren't properly married if we weren't living together, and why didn't we just move in? After all, I'm American, he's Canadian, it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Long distance is terrible, and long distance when you're waiting on something wholly out of your control is worse. The strains for a couple that's waiting together are different, but still there.

That's why my boyfriend told me to stay with him in Canada even if I wasn't working since we could manage it. When we were apart I was irritable, sad, crying all the time, etc. Then when we were together we'd both be happy again like everything was right in the world. I went home to visit my parents for a week this year and was sad as soon as I went to bed the first night. My sister was picking on me and telling me that it was just a day and she didn't think it was a big deal. But when you have to spend months waiting for the person you love to be with you again, every day and every second counts. Distance becomes your enemy, even if it is temporary.

 

[mameelynn]

I get the limbo feeling! I was in Canada and he was in the US for almost a year when we were dating and engaged and it was crazy! When I was going over our emails to send in our proof I was overwhelmed by the amount of stress,fear and worry in a lot of our letters. We have been married for almost 7 years now but I have been without status in the US for all of it because we didn't make enough to qualify for him to sponsor me here and it has been really hard! When we were finally in a place that we could afford to do it we looked into everything and we decided that Canada would be a much better choice for our family so the day we sent in our application it felt like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders because we were moving forward. It has been really hard though these last 10 months! It is almost harder to feel like we can see the end in sight but it keeps moving just out of reach! I get depressed every time I see someone that was months ahead of us getting their approval and landing when ours was a straight forward case! We talk about it all the time and just yesterday my husband was like "maybe it is better that it hasn't come in yet?!" I was so pissed but he quickly explained that he meant because if he got it today he would want to move right away and that wouldn't be good because my job doesn't start till April. Add on top of that the fact that his family here sucks and no wonder we can't wait to get away and be with family that is excited for us to be close! The cute thing is though that our kids start almost every other sentence with "when we are in Canada...." I'm just so ready to have this process behind us and be able to have "normal" issues to think about!!!

 

[Mevakesh]

It hasn't been a long time since we have been separate, so I guess I won't understand your relationship strain. For us, our love is stronger than ever. We miss each other a lot. There's nothing we can do but have patience. In this day and age the only real distance is physical touch. If love is truly the centre point of the relationship, then both sides would understand that the process can take a long time and they just need to stick it out. Bickering, and fighting isn't going to make the process go any faster.

One of the key things is to keep yourselves busy. Whether it be work and/or other activities, it makes the day go by fast. Do not quit your job until you actually get your approval. To be honest, I don't know why people would quit their jobs until all is finalized.

 

[sounion]

The uncertainty about the future is definitely stressful. We argue, like most I'm reading, about money and things that are really about money (although argued under a different topic ). But you know what? The fact that I still am madly in love tells me were paired for life. I'm somewhat glad (only when not arguing) that our relationship is being tested like this. Trial by fire.

I'm also so glad to hear others are going through the same thing. What a learning experience.

 

[bonitanita]

Thanks for all your responses. It's really comforting to know that there are others who are in the same boat.

In our case, I literally feel suffocated.

We met overseas 3 and a half years ago. We were travelling and working all over the place. We decided that we wanted more with each other so we made the decision to come to Canada and settle down. His family are from Newfoundland and they live in a remote area (2 hours from the city). We've been staying with them for over a year. They've welcomed us but I feel like we're a burden sometimes.

In August, hubby got a job in the oil sands in Alberta. They pay for his camp living and return flights. So now, he is gone for 2 weeks and only home for one. That means that I am with his parents at their house on my own for most of the time.

There was no point in me going back to the UK. I haven't lived there for 8 years. If I went back to try to set up life while waiting for this process to be done with, it would have been more hassle than it's worth. We applied outland because the process is supposedly faster.

Our plan was to move to Vancouver and set up life as soon as my PR came through. We were getting ready to leave until we discovered that Mississauga had never sent my file to London (they were supposed to in July). As of yet, they've given no other information. We have NO timeline. As far as I know, we could be waiting 2 more months or we could be waiting 10 more.

Not knowing when things are going to change is what makes it hard. I am alone with his parents in a remote area and everyone around there who is my age has families and jobs and so they're busy. I can't go out running or walking because a. it's FREEZING NOW but also because I am afraid of the animals - moose/coyote etc. Our basement room is small, dark and dingy.

I take my frustrations out on hubby all the time. I feel like he doesn't understand that I am wasting my life. He at least is working. He complains about his job and hates being away for 2 weeks at a time but I am envious that he can work and feel like he should appreciate his job.

He's making good money but we can't spend it because our move to BC is going to cost around $10000. On top of that, we're trying to save for a family of our own and so on. When we move, we're going to need to buy all new furniture etc because we've never had our own place here in Canada before so we need a good chunk of cash behind us.

Every time we argue, I fish for the cause of the problem and it seems like no matter what the fuss is about, the root of the problem always leads back to one place - HERE. CIC. VISA.

Of course we'll have problems when this is all over because that's normal but I want our problems to be about anything BUT this.

I'm 32. I want a job. I want a family. I feel like time is running out. I was 30 when we came here. I get frustrated with my biological clock.... hubby is a man so of course he doesn't completely understand.

Just feels like I am drowning in a pool of stress and immigration BS that I have no control over.

Keep your stories coming in because it's comforting to know that other people out there understand and are in similar boats.

 

[aerogurl87]

That sucks, bonitanita. My boyfriend works in the Alberta oilfield, but luckily he is able to work near home and comes home every day 99% of the time. On rare occassions he goes out to camp, which does suck. All I can say is to try to stick it out and I'll give you a virtual hug. I'm only 23, but I know if I were in my late 20s or early 30s, my biological clock would be ticking away as well. I'm worrying about getting a house myself already and just wishing CIC would hurry up with my application so we could start saving more. I hope your application goes through soon, I know London is known to work fast sometimes. Hopefully in your case they moved your application straight to the front of the pile. Just hang in there a little longer.

 

[bonitanita]

That sucks, bonitanita. My boyfriend works in the Alberta oilfield, but luckily he is able to work near home and comes home every day 99% of the time. On rare occassions he goes out to camp, which does suck. All I can say is to try to stick it out and I'll give you a virtual hug. I'm only 23, but I know if I were in my late 20s or early 30s, my biological clock would be ticking away as well. I'm worrying about getting a house myself already and just wishing CIC would hurry up with my application so we could start saving more. I hope your application goes through soon, I know London is known to work fast sometimes. Hopefully in your case they moved your application straight to the front of the pile. Just hang in there a little longer.

Thanks. I was however told that it will unlikely be expedited.

Where in the oilfields does he work? Russell works in the Kearl Lake project at the moment. Are you living in Fort Mac?