IELTS - Writing - For Band 7 or Above.

[aman_0009]

Dear @cansha, I am re-posting this essay

If u can just give it a glance, it would be really helpful for me as my exam is on 23rd Nov


Topic: The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Governments should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement ?


It is often argued that government should finance public services rather than wasting budget on art, music and theatre. However, my views are in strong contrast with the given statement. I elucidate my stand in subsequent paragraphs.

At the outset, most conspicuous reason which reinforce my perception is that arts, theatre and music help in the growth of economy in numerous ways. Since, people from different countries often travel to attend/ take part in theatre ,drama and music concerts. As a result, spending of those visitors add on to local economy. Further substantial viewpoint is these skills like art and music often create plethora of employment opportunities. Here, an empirical evidence reveals that music industry alone is contributing almost 25% to employment opportunities among youngsters. Hence, government cannot think of ignoring investments to music, art and theatre industry.

In addition to the aforementioned ideas, another worthwhile standpoint is that these skills help in upgrading the status of the nation. To be specific, a country who has more talented and unique citizens in terms of arts and theatre can be leader in that particular industry. Therefore, major chunk of government budget should be invested on it. Furthermore, music/art/theatre should be become a compulsory subject in every school. As per mentioned according to the survey done by prestigious media group, almost one third of the british students opted either in music or art as their career choice. Consequently, many of them became very successful in their field.

In conclusion, it is quite discernible from the above mentioned explanation that my inclination towards endorsing this matter is justified as this can only be possible if governing bodies keep supporting arts, music and theatre financially.

 

[SR_T]

Hello everyone,

I have taken ielts thrice and luckily I got my desired scores in my third attempt. I would like to share my experience with you guys.

My scores are:
1st attempt (BC PBT): LRWS: 9 9 6.5 8
2nd attempt (BC PBT): LRWS: 9 9 6.5 7.5
3rd attempt (IDP CBT): LRWS: 9 9 7 7.5

After my first two failed attempts I seriously started analyzing my writing and came to the conclusion that my problem was with task achievement and C&C. Allow me to elaborate:

-I used to start writing as soon as I got the question. My advice- don't ever do it. Read the question several times and break it down to many small questions. Plan your essay first in a way that it will answer all the questions. Trust me spend at least 10 minutes making a proper plan. Once you have a plan, writing the essay will be lot easier.
-I found IELTS master class (You get access to it after you register with IDP) very very helpful. I went through the writing part only in a single day and this is what has helped me the most. I would definitely recommend it to all.
-I have been very confused with which structure to follow for the essay but IDP master class has cleared my confusion. I am sharing a summarized version here:

Introduction:
Line 1: General statement about the main topic
Line 2: Rephrase the question in your own words. example: some people believe this and some people believe that.
Line 3: Your opinion/thesis statement

Main body paragraph 1single idea paragraph)
Line 1: Topic summary. example: It is believed by some that...(Refer to Line 2 of Intro and mention the 1st opinion)
Line 3: Explain your idea
Line 4: Give example/ Explain further
Line 5: Explanation (consequences)

OR

Main body paragraph 1: (Multiple idea paragraph)
Line 1: Topic summary. example: It is believed by some that...(Refer to Line 2 of Intro and mention the 1st opinion)
Line 3: Explain your idea
Line 4: Example
Line 4: New idea
Line 5: Explanation of new idea

Main body paragraph 2: (Single idea paragraph)
Line 1: Topic summary. example: On the other hand/Nevertheless/ or any other linking device- It is believed by some that...(Refer to Line 2 of Intro and mention the 2nd opinion)
Line 3: Explain your idea
Line 4: Give example/ Explain further
Line 5: Explanation (consequences)

OR

Main body paragraph 2: (Multiple idea paragraph)
Line 1: Topic summary. example: On the other hand/Nevertheless/ or any other linking device- It is believed by some that...(Refer to Line 2 of Intro and mention the 2nd opinion)
Line 3: Explain your idea
Line 4: Example
Line 4: New idea
Line 5: Explanation of new idea

Conclusion:
Line 1: In conclusion, [summarize the main ideas] (Example: Though some people support that....., there are others who support ..../Although there are many benefits such as...., there are a few drawbacks such as.....)
Line 2: State your opinion if required or rephrase the thesis statement. (However, in my opinion..../ However, the drawbacks outweigh the benefits)

-For agree/disagree questions, it is better to stick to either agree or disagree. Do not try to write both as you may lose track and contradict yourself without even realizing.
-For Double question essays- write one paragraph for each question.
-For opinion essay give your opinion in three places- Intro, MBP, Conclusion
-Write the essay in such a way that everything you write come together to answer your essay question i.e.-Write the points you plan to write in your MBP 1 & 2, in your intro ------> Elaborate on the first idea you have mentioned in the intro in your 1st body paragraph------>Elaborate on the 2nd idea you have mentioned in the intro in your 2nd body paragraph-----> Write conclusion by using 2 lines where 1st line will be the summary of the 2 ideas that you have mentioned in the intro and 2nd line will be the restatement of the thesis (i.e. your opinion or whatever was your thesis statement)

-Keep it simple. Your ideas do not have to be very critical but they should be logical and relevant. Do not write something which is remotely related to the topic. You do not need to use difficult vocab either. Just use vocab appropriately and with correct spelling.

-Learn how to write compound, complex and compound-complex sentences in different ways and incorporate them in your writing. Not every line has to be complex.

-After you are done writing your essay, do go through it once to check for any grammatical or spelling error.
-Read a lot of good essays and while doing so try to find out the reasons why these are considered to be good. I recommend Liz's essays.
-Remember that all words are not academic so beware of using informal words. Some words such as school, children etc do not have a synonym so its okay to use these multiple times than using words which are not formal or do not have accurate meaning. Try using words such as this, they, he, them etc to refer to something that you have mentioned earlier. This increases your C&C marks.
-Be careful with your punctuation and articles.
-Write your task 2 answer first (Personal preference)

I think if you take care of all the above, you will be able to score a 7 very easily.

One additional request- please do not ignore task 1 as it also carries 3 marks in your overall writing score.

All the best

 

[SR_T]

I forgot to mention about linking devices. Please use appropriate linking devices as and when required. This is very important for C&C

 

[canadadream2828]

Dear @cansha, I am re-posting this essay

If u can just give it a glance, it would be really helpful for me as my exam is on 23rd Nov


Topic: The government's investment in arts, music and theatre is a waste of money. Governments should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement ?


It is often argued that government should finance public services rather than wasting budget on art, music and theatre. However, my views are in strong contrast with the given statement. I elucidate my stand in subsequent paragraphs.

At the outset, most conspicuous reason which reinforce my perception is that arts, theatre and music help in the growth of economy in numerous ways. Since, people from different countries often travel to attend/ take part in theatre ,drama and music concerts. As a result, spending of those visitors add on to local economy. Further substantial viewpoint is these skills like art and music often create plethora of employment opportunities. Here, an empirical evidence reveals that music industry alone is contributing almost 25% to employment opportunities among youngsters. Hence, government cannot think of ignoring investments to music, art and theatre industry.

In addition to the aforementioned ideas, another worthwhile standpoint is that these skills help in upgrading the status of the nation. To be specific, a country who has more talented and unique citizens in terms of arts and theatre can be leader in that particular industry. Therefore, major chunk of government budget should be invested on it. Furthermore, music/art/theatre should be become a compulsory subject in every school. As per mentioned according to the survey done by prestigious media group, almost one third of the british students opted either in music or art as their career choice. Consequently, many of them became very successful in their field.

In conclusion, it is quite discernible from the above mentioned explanation that my inclination towards endorsing this matter is justified as this can only be possible if governing bodies keep supporting arts, music and theatre financially.

Band 5-5.5

 

[raamishasadraza]

I am posting this essay again. Can you please check it @cansha as my exam is quite near
Question- Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Males and females are commonly known to differ with each other in terms of their strong and weak points. This essay will agree with the fact that it is right to exclude people based on their gender from certain professions. Firstly, this essay will discuss how males are not give the job of a wet nurse based on sexual differences and secondly, will discuss why females are not preferred in certain professions like becoming a soldier.

Males are never given the option to choose the occupation of a wet nurse. This is because this occupation entails the breastfeeding of newborn children by a female other than their mother but men do not possess the necessary sexual organs to perform this act. A newborn baby requires essential nutrients to survive the first phase of life and for that he requires to drink breast milk of his mother. If a mother has some health or personal problems she can employ a wet nurse to take care of her newborn baby. Men do not have this sexual organ hence they cannot take the place of females in this regard. For example, all the wet nurses in the world are women proving that men do not have a place in this profession.

Females are also barred from certain professions; they are not encouraged to become soldiers and join the army. This is because an army requires soldiers with the most strength and endurance to win wars. Women do not fit this scenario as males have always been physically stronger by a large margin. Hence women soldiers are quite less in quantity and they are rarely sent to the frontlines. For example, research shows that at present the U.S.A army has 95% male soldiers compared to only 5% female soldiers. Another study done on World War 1 showed that women soldiers had rarely been deployed to battle in that war.


In conclusion, both men and women tend to possess strengths and weaknesses that vary from each other. This essay agreed on the point that both the opposite sexes should be barred from doing certain jobs based on their gender. In my opinion, there are some jobs that males cannot perform such as the role of a wet nurse as they lack the necessary sexual organs and some jobs females cannot perform since they lack the required physical attributes

 

[Milan Desai]

I would like to get comments on my writing too.
Thanks in advance.

Question: Many adults think that childhood and school days are best days of life. What are the reasons for this? Do you agree or disagree?

Aspects of life plays a very significant role in human development. Majority of grown up believe that shaping years and schooling at an early age are the excellent time in person’s life. There are numerous reasons behind it and I completely agree with the statement that formative years along with school days are finest days of living.

To being with, the most important reason is that children have carefree life as they do not have to worry about livelihood and can enjoy a stressfree life. So, they are more active and playful as compared with mature people. They feel elated by sharing and spending time with their friends and socializing with them and eager to learn new skills by actively participating in activities such as quiz and dance competitions.

Furthermore, juniors are very agile and a quick learner. They show respect for their teachers and convey their love and affection towards them. Kids considered their tutor as mother teacher. They are completely relied on their guidance in terms of seeking moral well as academic education. As a result, school has a very profound impact on pupils in regard to shaping their personality.

Nevertheless, some adults argue that kids are more vulnerable as compared to grown person as they have the authority to take decisions in personal as well as a professional life. So, their personality get enhance and they can develop analytical skills and thus confident enough to tackle any unfavorable circumstances in life.

To conclude, childhood days should not be compared with any stages of life as striplings are more carefree and quick learner as well as they learn respect and moral education from their school times.

 

[AB17]

I would like to get comments on my writing too.
Thanks in advance.

Question: Many adults think that childhood and school days are best days of life. What are the reasons for this? Do you agree or disagree?

Aspects of life plays a very significant role in human development. (Doesn't convey your actual message) Majority of grown up(s) believe that shaping years and schooling at an early age are the excellent time in person’s life. There are numerous reasons behind it and I completely agree with the statement that formative years along with school days are finest days of living.

To being with, the most important reason is that children have carefree life as they do not have to worry about livelihood and can enjoy a stressfree life (time). So, they are more active and playful as compared with (to) mature people. They feel elated by sharing and spending time with their friends and socializing with them and eager to learn new skills by actively participating in activities such as quiz and dance competitions.

Furthermore, juniors are very agile and a quick learner(s).(unrelated as in the next point you are are talking about love and affection). They show respect for their teachers and convey their love and affection towards them. Kids considered their tutor as mother teacher. They are completely relied on their guidance in terms of seeking moral well as academic education. As a result, school has a very profound impact on pupils in regard to shaping their personality.

Nevertheless, some adults argue that kids are more vulnerable as compared to grown person as they have the authority to take decisions in personal as well as a professional life. So, their personality get enhance and they can develop analytical skills and thus confident enough to tackle any unfavorable circumstances in life.(completely no idea how this paragraph correlates to the topic)

To conclude, childhood days should not be compared with any stages of life as striplings are more carefree and quick learner as well as they learn respect and moral education from their school times.

Sorry but this essay is far from being relevant.

The red color part are wrong word usage... Some of the words are informal and some shouldn't be used here.

Italic and underline part shows how you contradicted your agreement to the topic.

Vocabulary is good to an extent where it holds relevance. Also, Striplings??? Swear to god i had to google this word. Never seen this world in my life.

 

[cansha]

I am posting this essay again. Can you please check it @cansha as my exam is quite near
Question- Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Males and females are commonly known to differ with each other in terms of their strong and weak points. This essay will agree with the fact that it is right to exclude people based on their gender from certain professions. Firstly, this essay will discuss how males are not give the job of a wet nurse based on sexual differences and secondly, will discuss why females are not preferred in certain professions like becoming a soldier.

Males are never given the option to choose the occupation of a wet nurse. This is because this occupation entails the breastfeeding of newborn children by a female other than their mother but men do not possess the necessary sexual organs to perform this act. A newborn baby requires essential nutrients to survive the first phase of life and for that he requires to drink breast milk of his mother. If a mother has some health or personal problems she can employ a wet nurse to take care of her newborn baby. Men do not have this sexual organ hence they cannot take the place of females in this regard. For example, all the wet nurses in the world are women proving that men do not have a place in this profession.

Females are also barred from certain professions; they are not encouraged to become soldiers and join the army. This is because an army requires soldiers with the most strength and endurance to win wars. Women do not fit this scenario as males have always been physically stronger by a large margin. Hence women soldiers are quite less in quantity and they are rarely sent to the frontlines. For example, research shows that at present the U.S.A army has 95% male soldiers compared to only 5% female soldiers. Another study done on World War 1 showed that women soldiers had rarely been deployed to battle in that war.


In conclusion, both men and women tend to possess strengths and weaknesses that vary from each other. This essay agreed on the point that both the opposite sexes should be barred from doing certain jobs based on their gender. In my opinion, there are some jobs that males cannot perform such as the role of a wet nurse as they lack the necessary sexual organs and some jobs females cannot perform since they lack the required physical attributes

There are quite a few issues in this essay that have been discussed many times before. Refer to my post which has common issues listed .. now before you ask me where is the post may be look a few of my previous reviews and you will find the link. One example of the issue is using the language like "this essay will..." . I think it kills your essay as IELTS is asking your opinion so give your opinion in first person and not in third person.

Anyhow the bigger issue with this essay is that the task response is not adequate. I think you have misunderstood the topic a little bit. Your BP1 is way off topic. You saying men can't be wet nurse is same as saying women can't be sperm donors. Ofcourse they can't be because that's just nature and biology. But the topic is probably more focused on things beyond simple nature thing. Your BP2 kind of explores that when you mention women in combat roles in military but your BP1 should have a similar theme.

I have one more suggestion which is probably not an IELTS suggestion but suggestion in general .. and it applies to many other essays I have read here on similar topics. Try to keep the tone and theme of your essays neutral. The tone of this essay is a little bit sexist.

Yes I agree that IELTS is a test of English so they should be evaluating you on the written argument irrespective of opinion but one can't deny that personal biases would influence how someone evaluates your essay. Canada is a progressive society and most folks would believe men and women are equal so anyone appearing for IELTS probably should be mindful of that.

 

[cansha]

Okay I had to write an independent post for this and I'm hoping people actually read posts instead of just posting their essays and ignoring other posts.

Please stop this habit of trying to write a synonym for every damn thing in your essay. Yes I know some teachers out there tell you to use synonyms to show off your vocab but trust me it is being done too much and to the extent that you guys are losing focus on task response and harming your essay by using useless language.

One big example of this is whenever an essay is about children. Everyone ends up using so many synonyms in each and every line from young ones , young adults and blah blah.

I read another essay where the essay had older people or elder people in topic line and the introduction line had "grey people" mentioned. My apologies to whoever wrote that essay because I didn't really read the essay beyond that. The essay was dead there.

My apologies if this is harsh and I try to be mindful of not hurting anyone's confidence here as it is not easy to ask for feedback on an open forum. But folks seriously do not overdo this.

Please stop using flowery vocabulary from your first essays. Nail your task response. That is the biggest key.

 

[ar_uw]

Reposting this essay again as I would love some feedback

Hi all, I am taking my exam in a couple weeks. Here is a quick attempt at a task 2 topic I picked while looking through this forum. Any feedback will be appreciated! I need a 7 band in GT writing, can any of the experts @cansha etc evaluate it and please let me know how far off I am

Question:
Some people believe that eventually all jobs will be done by artificially intelligent robots. What is your opinion?

Response (282 words):

Rapid emergence of technology has led to the automation and replacement of a wide number of manual jobs resulting in the disappearance of some professions that were popular in yesteryears. Despite the threat of artificial intelligence to vast professions, there are still some roles that are very difficult and uneconomical to automate.

Most repetitive jobs are being threatened by automation. These jobs in the past have been held by low skilled individuals as these have very little educational requirements. For example, truck driving is a gigantic industry in today’s world but now the development of autonomous vehicles will soon make this profession obsolete.

Jobs that involve handling dangerous materials or require very sensitive and accurate dexterity are also best left to the robots. These jobs are very common in the manufacturing industry, especially in chemical plants where workers are always at risk of exposure to corrosive and toxic chemicals.

Professions requiring a lot of manual dexterity with non-repetitive patterns are very difficult to replace with automation. Therefore, jobs such as plumbing, maintenance and pipe-fitting will always have a market as it isn’t economically beneficial to try to replace them.

On the other hand, replacement of jobs by robots gives birth to new jobs. Automation requires hiring highly skilled individuals, such as engineers and programmers, to develop these robots. This opens up new employment opportunities for society.

Overall, considering both sides, I believe that automation will lead to a shift in the type of populars professions in the world. It will close some jobs while opening up new opportunities, therefore not all jobs will be done by robots but a lot of jobs that are popular in society today may not be available anymore.

 

[Milan Desai]

Sorry but this essay is far from being relevant.

The red color part are wrong word usage... Some of the words are informal and some shouldn't be used here.

Italic and underline part shows how you contradicted your agreement to the topic.

Vocabulary is good to an extent where it holds relevance. Also, Striplings??? Swear to god i had to google this word. Never seen this world in my life.

Dear @AB17 thanks a lot for it and really appreciate that!
Can you just explain the best introduction here

 

[Milan Desai]

Sorry but this essay is far from being relevant.

The red color part are wrong word usage... Some of the words are informal and some shouldn't be used here.

Italic and underline part shows how you contradicted your agreement to the topic.

Vocabulary is good to an extent where it holds relevance. Also, Striplings??? Swear to god i had to google this word. Never seen this world in my life.

Isn't it good to write the opposite view also about the statement from other’s perspectives?

 

[AB17]

Dear @AB17 thanks a lot for it and really appreciate that!
Can you just explain the best introduction here

Something like..


Some people believe that the time spent before becoming an adult is the best stage in the human life-cycle. It is that point of time when an individual gets to live without any worries and learning new things. I agree childhood is certainly the happiest and memorable part/time of our lives.

 

[AB17]

Isn't it good to write the opposite view also about the statement from other’s perspectives?

Only write opposite view if you can nail your original point of view. Leave it for the experts who have good hold of language.

 

[Milan Desai]

Only write opposite view if you can nail your original point of view. Leave it for the experts who have good hold of language.

Thank you for clarification