thanks to the Beaverton for the very entertaining articles
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2022/02/terrible-cafe-no-longer-able-to-blame-lockdown-for-failing-business/
Terrible cafe no longer able to blame lockdown for failing business
Etobicoke, ON – As capacity limits and other public health limits are lifted throughout Ontario, the owners of Geralds Koffee Korner are no longer able to blame lockdowns for their complete lack of customers and revenue.
“The pandemic was hard on us because we had just opened up, barely five years before it started,” stated owner Fredericks Gerald. “So we hadn’t yet built a solid base. And then when Covid came we lost 90 percent of our business. So we were down to whatever ten percent of 3 customers is.”
Now it’s become clear that lockdowns and closures were not to blame for the cafes lack of revenue, business analysts are looking for other reasons. Many are pointing to the confusing comic sans signage, the lack of a washroom, the soup of the day suspiciously staying the same for a whole week, an inability to make a sandwich in less than 25 minutes and a sign above the milk and sugar station that asks customers to cream themselves.
“With all the government programs it was actually our most profitable year ever,” said Gerald. “I think they should extend the Canada Emergency Rent Subsidy but for businesses that have trouble paying rent even when there’s not a pandemic.”
This is not the first failed business Gerald has started, previous ones include; buying the patent for soluble asbestos, a gun range for tweens, and a literal dogshit cafe (seeking to copy the success of the poop emoji cafe in Toronto, he started an eatery where every beverage and food item had the look and texture of dogshit).
Gerald is now blaming CERB and “people not wanting to work anymore” for destroying his business.
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2022/02/trudeau-lifts-emergencies-act-says-situation-on-monday-has-completely-changed-because-now-its-wednesday/
Trudeau lifts Emergencies Act, says situation on Monday has completely changed because now it’s Wednesday
OTTAWA – After spending Monday arguing that the
Emergencies Act needed to be continued because the convoy-related emergency was still ongoing, Prime Minister
Justin Trudeau has now revoked the Emergencies Act due to the fact that today is Wednesday, a completely different day.
“The situation is no longer an emergency,” Trudeau said at a news conference to announce the lifting of the Act. “We are confident that existing laws and bylaws are now sufficient to keep people safe. They weren’t on Monday, as I and other members of my party repeatedly stated in the House of Commons, but now they are. Because today isn’t Monday, it’s Wednesday.”
The motion affirming the Liberal government’s invocation of the Emergencies Act passed by a vote of 185 to 151 on Monday, with NDP and Liberal MPs all agreeing that the emergency was both ongoing and unable to be contained without the government exercising extraordinary powers. The situation on the ground in Ottawa and at the border has not changed substantially since Monday, except for the fact that since Monday, Canada has been through Tuesday and is now in Wednesday.
“Monday was a dark day for Canadians,” Trudeau explained. “As I stated at the time, we were under a significant and continuing threat from the convoy, which could return at any time and throw our society into upheaval again. Luckily, that threat has passed because it is no longer Monday, and hopefully never will be again.”
“Order has now been restored, and unlike the fragile, fleeting order that had been restored on Monday, today’s Wednesday order is robust and permanent.”
When asked for comment, Jagmeet Singh agreed that Wednesday was significantly different from Monday in that when Monday started, he and his party hadn’t thrown away a great deal of their credibility supporting the Liberals in something that turned out to be utterly pointless.